Still Stoking and Revoking Brennan

Several days ago in an attempt to quash the free speech of former government officials who have criticized him, President Trump rescinded the security clearance of former CIA Director John Brennan.

Now he has taken further action against Director Brennan.

“Due to his irresponsible and erratic statements about the president’s policies, “White House Spokeswoman Sandra Huckabee Sanders said at her daily press briefing today," President Trump is today revoking Director Brennan’s library card. 

"Effective immediately, Mr. Brennan will be barred from taking out books, periodicals, and/or videos from the library system local to him, the Herschel Garfunkel Public Library. The President is taking this action because Mr. Brennan has wantonly attacked the leadership of President Trump through the use of facts."

"Curtailing access to the library," she added, "will severely limit his ability to obtain these facts.”

Director Brennan has already struck back through Twitter.

“This heinous politically motivated act of the president will not stop me from obtaining facts,” Brennan tweeted today. “I can still spend a pleasant afternoon in the Herschel Garfunkel Public Library reading at my leisure and even enjoying a coke and a Snickers from the vending machines in the reading room."   

"And if I really want to take a book out, I’ll ask my wife to take it out on her card," Director Brennan added in a follow-up tweet.

"And should it be a long book over 300 pages on more, I’ll renew it ... yes, Mr. President! … also on her card!”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Wolf Blitzer Crawls Through Nuclear Winter at the End of the World

 Wolf Blitzer climbed through the rubble of the Situation Room at CNN and out into the open air. Dust swirled all around him and the sky was dark and murky.

"This is CNN Breaking News!" he said. "The end of civilization as we know it."

Wolf Blitzer wondered if all his colleagues at CNN were dead. Anderson Cooper dead? True, he deserved punishment for last New Year’s Eve, but this?

Stumbling over the remnants of stores, homes, and Starbucks, Wolf Blitzer heard cries from under a collapsed Starbucks and picked through the rubble to free the poor soul beneath.

“My God, Speaker Ryan!”

“It’s good to be with you, Wolf.”

“Mr. Speaker, it's nuclear Apocalypse!  It’s Armageddon! President Trump has blown everything up!

“That’s concerning."

“Excuse me?”

“Very troubling.”

“Speaker Ryan, we must impeach Trump now!”

“Wolf, now is not the time to rush to any conclusions right after the destruction of the world.”

Wolf Blitzer stumbled forward. Was anyone else alive anywhere?

“Stormy Daniels! How are you?”

“Lousy, Wolf! I was all set to cash in big time, I had an attorney with the disposition of Vin Diesel before his distemper shot, and then this.”

“I'm sorry.”

“Want to have sex, Wolf?  I won’t charge you much.”

“No thanks, Stormy.”

“Do you happen to know if Anderson Cooper survived?”

“He won’t want to have sex either.”

“I thought maybe if he interviewed me again I might hook up for sex with some disgusting base primordial slime.  Believe me, I’m used to that.”

Wolf Blitzer crawled on for what seemed like miles. Then he heard a voice.

“Is anything more fun than a Trump Armageddon?!”

Wolf Blitzer turned and saw President Donald Trump.

“President Trump!  Why did you do it? Why did you blow up the world?”

"That's Fake News."

"Fake News?"

"I didn't blow up the world. Obama blew up the world." 

“That’s a lie!"

"Then it was loser Mueller.  Remind me to fire him for blowing up the world."

"Is there no way to rid ourselves of you? Are you truly unstoppable?" 

"I could stand in the middle of Fifth Avenue and destroy the Earth and not lose any voters!"

"You already did that."

Wolf Blitzer crawled on through the darkness and decay of the nuclear winter and pondered the end of civilization as we know it.

Maybe, he thought, it was finally time to retire.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`

 If you liked this post, you'll love my book Perry Block-Nouveau Old, Formerly Cute. If you hated this post, I hope you get sued by Stormy Daniels' attorney without ever first getting to have sex with Stormy Daniels. But I still want you to buy my book. 

"The Tragedy of Julius Trump" by William Shakespeare

ACT I

Enter JULIUS TRUMP with BETSY DEVOSSIAN, and the members of the Senate GARIUS COHEN, DR. BENJAMIN CARSONIUS, STEVENUS MNUCHINIUS, JAREDIUS KUSHNER, and PAULUS RYAN.

Amongst the great crowd, a humble SOOTHSAYER approaches JULIUS TRUMP.

SOOTHSAYER

O Mighty Trump!  I must speak with you!

JULIUS TRUMP

Out of my way, knave!  I’m the only one here who is important!

 (Let’s establish character right away, folks!)

SOOTHSAYER

Beware the Ides of March.

JULIUS TRUMP

The eyes of March? Don’t you mean The Eyes of Laura Mars?

SOOTHSAYER

No, I doth not mean a lame 40 year old movie starring Tommy Lee Jones and Faye Dunaway.  I mean “The Ides of March!”

JULIUS TRUMP

Oh, I see. What are Ides?

SOOTHSAYER

March 15, Mighty Trump! 

(Mighty stupid Trump, that is!)

JULIUS TRUMP

What shall happen then? Another lying harlot shall dispute my troth?  Sad.

SOOTHSAYER

It’s even worse than a disputed troth, Mighty Trump.

JULIUS TRUMP

What could be worse than a disputed troth?

SOOTHSAYER

A deceased troth.

JULIUS TRUMP

Oy vay! Homina … homina …. Homina!

SOOTHSAYER

Art thou fraught with fear, Mighty Trump?

JULIUS TRUMP

Cowards die many times before their deaths;
The valiant taste of death but once.

Unfortunately I had five draft deferments for a most deadly bone spur,

Which prohibited me from proving my valor,

But once I didst kill a small spider in the bathtub without passing out!

JULIUS TRUMP draws faithful BETSY DEVOSSIAN aside.

JULIUS TRUMP

Let me have men about me that are fat.

BETSY DEVOSSIAN

Fat as thou, Mighty Trump?

For I hath seen you playing tennis,

Wish I couldst unsee that!

JULIUS TRUMP

Of course not that fat!

The size perhaps of the 400 pound man on his bed

Who hath hacked into Crookedess Hilary’s e-mails.

BETSY DEVOSSIAN

Oh, only that fat!

But why does thou fear Garius Cohen?

JULIUS TRUMP

Yon Garius has a lean and hungry look;
Woudst that take him out for a steak dinner, good Betsy

And render him fat and contented?

BETSY DEVOSSIAN

Fear him not, Trump,
He is a noble Roman and well given.

Umm… you’re paying for the dinner, right?

JULIUS TRUMP

Would he were fatter! He reads much;

And reads books without pop-up pictures, as I love.
He looks quite through the deeds of men:

Though I don’t think he’s caught on to Stormius Danielius yet!

He loves no plays, as thou dost, De Vossian,

Though I didst hear he tried to get into Hamilton, too lean & hungry to afford!

Act II

It is the Ides of March.

JULIUS TRUMP enters the town square.  Across the square from him at the Capital are the members of the Senate.

SOOTHSAYER enters.

JULIUS TRUMP

 (To the Soothsayer)

Heh-Heh. The Ides of March are come. 

SOOTHSAYER

Ay, Trump; but not gone.

JULIUS TRUMP

You know … you got a point there!

SOOTHSAYER

You are a dummy, aren’t you?

GARIUS COHEN calls to Trump from the Senate.

GARIUS COHEN

Mighty Trump! Come join us.

JULIUS TRUMP

Sorry, Garius! Umm …Bone spurs acting up! 

Think I’ll take the day off.

Go home and watch Foxhuntias News.

PAULUS RYAN

We hath a most funny jest for thee, Mighty Trump. It’ll slay you!

JULIUS TRUMP

That's what I fear!

I must not tarry

I doth not want to miss Sean Hannitus!

STEVENUS MNUCHINIUS

C’mon, Mighty Trump, it’s a knock-knock joke!

JULIUS TRUMP

Okay, but just for a moment.

JULIUS TRUMP joins the others at the Senate

JULIUS TRUMP

Knock-knock …

GARIUS COHEN

O Trump!

JULIUS TRUMP

O Trump?  That’s a lousy punchline.

PAULUS TYAN

Great Trump!

JULIUS TRUMP

Yes, Paulus, there has never been one greater. Except the late great Alexander the Great, and I can be every bit as Emperorlidential as him any time I want. 

STEVIUS MNUCHIUS

Speak, hands for me!

MNUCHINUS stabs TRUMP.

JULIUS TRUMP

That's a big pair of hands you’re stabbing me with, Stevius! Guys … uh … are they bigger than mine?

DR. BENJAMIN CARSONIUS approaches JULIUS TRUMP and stabs him.

JULIUS TRUMP

You staying awake long enough to stab me, Carsonius? You are good with that scalpel after all.  Ooops, there goes my esophagus!

PAULUS RYAN stabs JULIUS TRUMP

JULIUS TRUMP

You too, Paulus? I preferred it when you were kissing my ass instead of carving it like Christmas dinner.    

All the conspirators come forth to stab TRUMP many times.

JULIUS TRUMP

Guys, remember when I said I could run into a school without a weapon and take on a crazed shooter?  Well, being stabbed to death isn’t so fun, so I guess being shot to death isn’t either. May I take that back please?

Conspirators continue to stab JULIUS TRUMP.  It’s like a Quentin Tarantino movie!

JULIUS TRUMP

This is the bloodiest assassination ever! In the entire history of Rome, there has never been a bloodier assassination!

GARIUS COHEN approaches JULIUS TRUMP and stabs him.

JULIUS TRUMP

What was it, Garius?  You hateth tariffs that much?

GARIUS COHEN

No, I just fucking can’t stand you!

JULIUS TRUMP

I am a loud mouth jerk, you’re right.  

Now JAREDIUS KUSHNER strides up to JULIUS TRUMP, looks him in the eye and stabs him.

JULIUS TRUMP

Et-tu, Kush-te?

JAREDIUS KUSHNER

Yes, I Et. I definitely Et!

JULIUS TRUMP

Then fall Trump.

JAREDIUS KUSHNER

OMG that might trigger a tsunami! (To dying Trump) I told you to lose that gut!

JULIUS TRUMP Dies. 

STEVIUS MNUCHINIUS

Liberty! Freedom! Enfranchisement!
Run hence, proclaim, and cry it among the streets!

GARIUS COHEN

Nah. We’ll just tweet it.

Finis.  Exeunt Omnes.

I hath struck down Julius Trump because he hath cutteth my allowance once I loseth my security clearance!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If thou likest this post, there are many more such hilarious posts in my book Perry Block - Nouveau Old, Formerly Cute.  If you hated this post, it's not representative at all of my book, and you should still buy it!

"None of That Ever Happened, Melania" or Bobby Ewing in the Shower

It's the Dallas Bobby Ewing in the Shower Syndrome, Melania!

“Donald? … Donald?! … Oh my god, Donald!!!"  

“What, Melania?”

“What are you doing in the shower?!!”

“Washing my enormous girth, what else?”   

“But you’re supposed to be at the White House, not the shower at Trump Tower!”

“What are you talking about?”

“If you’re here at Trump Tower, who’s polarizing the country? Who’s tweeting about fake news? Who’s destroying democracy as we know it?”

“Melania, who do you think I am?  President of the United States?”

“Of course you are! And I’m First Lady, no matter what Ivana says.”

“Melania, Crooked Hillary creamed me in the election last year. I finished fourth, behind Jill Stein and Gary Johnson."

“That can't be! You've been President for a year!"

“I think I get it now.”

“Get what?”

“It’s Bobby Ewing in the Shower Syndrome!”

“The what?"

“In the 80’s on a TV show called Dallas actor Patrick Duffy playing a character named Bobby Ewing wanted to leave the show. So Ewing was killed off at the end of the season."

"So?"

“Next year Duffy wanted to come back. In that season's first episode Bobby Ewing reappeared fully alive and fully unclothed in the shower in front of the actress playing his wife, and Dallas wrote off the entire prior season as a year-long dream by the wife!”

“That's a terrible cheat on the audience.”

“You're not kidding. And it's happening all over again, right down to the naked man in the shower. Although this time the naked man is Trump!"

“I’ve had a year-long dream?”

“Yes. Not that I was dead, but that I was President of the United States!”

“You‘re not?”

“Of course not! Once I stopped Putin from meddling in the election, I had no chance.”

"You didn’t put through a huge tax cut for the rich?”

“Why would I do something that sleazy to the American people?”

“You haven’t called Kim Jong Un ‘Rocket Man?’”

“That would be hugely irresponsible. It could touch off nuclear conflagration!”

“You haven’t bragged about how you can grab women’s pussies whenever you want?”

“Well … maybe that one.”

“I dreamt all that?”  

“Of course you did. Nobody could act that way as President and not be  impeached.”

“Really?”

“Do you think the Republican Party could possibly be such a bunch of spineless wimps as to allow anyone behaving like that to remain  President!”

“Yet it all seemed so real … so real.”

“None of that ever happened, Melania.”

“Donald, if it was all a dream, what have you actually been doing this past year?”

“Going bankrupt. As usual.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If you're too young to know about The Bobby Ewing in the Shower Situation on Dallas, here's a good review of one of the greatest, if not the greatest, storytelling fails in the history of television.

Merry Christmas, Mr. Trump, in Keeping with the Situation

Yep, tiny Christmas balls to go with his tiny hands.

This holiday season 2017 will be the very first in many a year that Americans will be free to wish each other a “Merry Christmas!”

Instead of the bland politically correct “Happy Holidays."   

I never realized we haven’t been able to wish each other “Merry Christmas” all along, but that’s what Donald Trump says and I take him at his word, even though it has never been good before.

So I set out to be the first to spread some newly liberated Christmas cheer.

“Merry Christmas, Debbie!” I exclaimed cheerfully. “I wish you a “Joyeux Noel!”

“Why, thank you, Perry, but … “

“But what, Debbie? We’re finally able to say these words right out loud without fear of liberal reprisals! Sing with me: ‘Joy to the world the Lord has come, Let Earth receive their…’”

“But aren't I kind of a strange person for you to exercise your new found freedom with?”

“Why’s that?”

“I’m your rabbi.”

“Oh, yeah. Guess I got overexcited, Rabbi.  I’ll try it on someone else.”

I picked up the phone and punched in a number.

“Hello,” I said, “I’ve long been a great fan of yours and I wanted to wish you 'Merry Christmas!'

“You’re wishing me a 'Merry Christmas?'”

“Yes, indeed. This is the first year I’ve been able to wish anyone Merry Christmas in a long time.”

“I see.”

“C’mon, sing with me: “Good King Weseslas looked out on the feast of Steven …' Why aren’t you singing?"

“Because I’m Kareem Abdul Jabbar. I’m hanging up now, friend.”

Another fail!  But the way Trump talks about saying “Merry Christmas” it’s the most important event in our culture since he last changed the batteries in Melania.

Suddenly I had it! Somebody who would be thrilled to hear the words “Merry Christmas” once again.

I punched in another number on my phone.

“Hello, Santa?"   

“Yes, this is Claus.”

“I just wanted to wish you something I know you haven’t heard in many years.”

“What’s that?”

“Merry Christmas, Santa!  C’mon, sing with me “You better not cry, you better not pout ...”

 “OMG! Shut the fuck up!”

 

 “Shut up? But why?”

“That’s all I ever hear all year long:  

Merry Christmas, Santa! Merry Christmas, St. Nick! Merry Christmas, Kris Kringle!

"Merry Christmas, my ass!" 

"But President Trump said …"

“You’re going to listen to that moron? He’s so stupid he’s still sending me a list every year!”

“Well, instead of ‘Merry Christmas’ what would you like me to wish you, Santa?”

“Isn’t it obvious, dude?”

“Happy Holidays?”

“You got it.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

  

Save Our Beautiful Garden Gnomes!

Trump has recently announced that in addition to Confederate statues, America must protect the garden gnomes that are rapidly disappearing throughout the country. Here are his recent tweets on the subject:

Donald J. Trump  @realDonaldTrump 
Sad to see the history and culture of our great country being ripped apart with the removal of our beautiful statues, monuments, and garden gnomes. You...

Donald J. Trump @realDonaldTrump 
...can't change history, but you can learn from it. Robert E Lee, Stonewall Jackson, Grumple Hostlepfeffer, Boingy McPookin, Grabble Hickenhopper --- who's next, Washington, Jefferson, Whisker Wamplesucker? So foolish! Also...

Donald J. Trump @realDonaldTrump 
...the beauty that is being taken out of our cities, towns, parks, and in front of homes of rural riff raff, many of whom love my ass, will be greatly missed and never able to be comparably replaced!

Donald J. Trump@realDonaldTrump 
Especially Gerald Yowzapimples!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~