And Yet Another Shocking Accusation

 Ms. Carlyle levels her shocking allegation 

  Just when you thought the shocking accusations had come to an end, another woman has come forward and leveled a claim of blatant sexual harassment and depravity regarding Donald Trump.

The woman, Jane Carlyle of Collingswood NJ, has alleged that she has never been sexually harassed or assaulted in any manner whatsoever by either Donald Trump or Bill Clinton.  Despite the fact that she has never met either man, Ms. Carlyle asserts that they each had ample opportunity throughout Ms. Carlyle’s 37 years to endeavor to meet her and attempt to pressure her to have sex with them.

This is the first known instance in which a woman has approached the media to allege that neither the present Republican candidate for President of the United States nor the 42nd President of the United States has ever groped or fondled her.

“It’s been a harrowing experience,” said Carlyle, an accountant from Collingswood NJ. “I vividly recall the evening of March 14, 2008.  I came home from work, watched some TV, and went to bed.  I had absolutely no contact with Mr. Trump or Mr. Clinton whatsoever, let alone unwelcome sexual assault!"  

Both Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have vigorously denied that they did not come on to Carlyle, and Mr.Trump has even suggested he rounded the bases.

For his part, Bubba just sighed.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hillary Clinton's Race for the White House Board Game

               Ready, Everyone?  Let's Play!

Just hangin' with Bill one day, giving him shit, and then it occurred to me that ...

I think it might be fun to run a country!

START!

Spin: Announce candidacy with idealistic words "Everyday Americans need a champion. And I want to be that champion."   Advance directly to PAC Plaza and Cash Causeway! 

Spin: Land on Bernie Sanders. Agree that he is a principled, hard working, and caring individual who truly wants the best for America.  Thank God he is un-electable! Spin again. 

Spin:  Land on Rick Perry. Stop to explain his own programs to him.  Lose five turns before giving up.

Spin:  Land on Climate Change. All GOP Candidates think it's false or say "I am not a scientist," including Ben Carson and Bobby Jindal, who are scientists. Proceed directly to White House Vestibule!

                  

                          Enter FOX NEWS FOREST

Spin: Land on Benghazi. "Lies! Treason!  Ignored pleas from consulate for more security including request for a large bald ogre with a club!  Unanswered Questions, many in easy multiple choice format! Told forces to stand down and have a nice lunch! Lies! Treason!

Benghazi!     BENGHAZI!      Benghazi!!!"

(Ah, shut up already, you jerks. Proceed directly to White House Vestibule!)

Spin: Land on Scandal Smorgasbord. "Whitewater, Rose Law Firm, missing files, favoritism, Travelgate, financial  irregularities, unexplained firings, money lost, money made, yada yada, yada" ... Alright, who knows, maybe there is something somewhere. Okay, lose a turn.

Spin: Land on Sean Hannity. If this were a golf course you would now be in the biggest sand trap in history!  Must spin a 7 to get out. Hurry!  And as soon as you are out, don't forget to rake his face!

Depart FOX NEWS FOREST 

Spin: Land on Scott Walker. This guy posed naked and thinks he has the stones to stand up to Putin?! Well, he does have stones anyway.  Lose a turn to ogle him because you probably haven't seen a naked dude in a long time.

Spin:  Land on Rick Santorum.  Stop to explain that Transgender does not refer to train which runs from Europe to Asia as in Transgender Express. Advance 5 
spaces.

Spin: Land on Ted Cruz. Wait a minute! This guy went to Princeton and Harvard?!!  You're incredulous? Go back 3 spaces for being Incredulous!

Spin: Land on Monica Lewinsky.  Lose a turn for Scratching her Eyes Out. 

Spin:  Land on Evolution. All GOP Candidates think it's false or say "I am not a scientist," including Ben Carson and Bobby Jindal, who are scientists. Proceed directly to White House Vestibule!

Spin:  Land on Marco Rubio.  This is the true Watergate!  Spin twice while he's still drinking.

Spin: Land on Bill Clinton.  Advance 25 spaces for standing by him publicly while Scratching his Eyes Out. 

Spin:  Land on Jeb Bush, who makes valiant effort to convince nation he is an only child.  Epic Fail.  Advance 10 Spaces.

Spin: Land on Pantsuit Palace to refuel campaign wardrobe. Ogle yourself but lose two turns. 

                              

Spin:  Land on Mike Huckabee. Carelessly mispronounce his name. Return to Sean Hannity!  (Only kidding ... return to Marco Rubio.) 

Spin: Land on Jeb Bush, this time making ill-conceived effort to attract female voters. History making fail.  Spin three times.

Enter E-MailGate

Spin: Land on Invitations Sent to Play Candy Crush.  Lose two Turns and Go Play the Stupid Game already.

Spin: Land on E-Mails to Unknown Wealthy Nigerian. Deduct 22 million dollars from campaign war chest and get butt back to PAC Plaza and Cash Causeway ASAP!

Spin: Land on E-Mails with Raunchy Jokes to and from Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid.  No penalty provided you share some with us.

Depart E-MailGate

Spin: Land on Rand Paul. Trip over toupee blown off by his own hot air. Treat skinned knee,  return to Pantsuit Palace to buy new pantsuit.

                       

Spin: Land on White House Vestibule, 3 spaces away from White House.  Must spin exact number to enter White House, become President, and win the game.

Spin: Too bad, you spun a 4. Oh, I forgot  to mention if you spin above the correct number, you Return to Start. Well, there's no reason to call me that, Hillary! Gee, you are a bitch!

Spin:  Okay,  okay, you're in, you're in!  Congratulations and ....

Hail to the Chief!

  

Home Sweet Home
Once More.

"Bill!  Bill!  Is that vacuuming and dusting done yet? Did you iron my pantsuit?
And did you hire the new intern?  Yeah, Scott! Who the fuck else?" 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Just a Couple of Presidents Talkin' on President's Day

"Happy President's Day, George!"

"You too, Abe. 

Happy Us Day!" 

"Imagine the two of us sharing a holiday, George!  Me and you, the first and second most important Presidents in U. S. history."

"That's right, I  ... wait a minute!  Who are you calling first and who second?"

"Well, clearly I'm first!  Which one of us had a world class motion picture out this year directed by Mr. Steven Spielberg and starring the incomparable Daniel Day-Lewis, the male gender's answer to Meryl Streep?"

"Well, I've been in movies too. And more filmstrips than Jack Hanna!"

"Terrific.  And by the way, I've also been played by  Henry Fonda, Raymond Massey, Jason Robards, and Academy Award Winner F. Murray Abraham. Who you got --- Jeff Daniels?"

"Well ... he's really good in Newsroom."

"Yeah, with Sorkin writing his lines!  And, George, there wasn't just one but TWO big movies out about me this year!"

"You're counting the stupid vampire movie!?"

"And I suppose you have a project in development with Judd Apatow?"

"I'm Number One! With that beard, you'd be lucky to get a part in a feminine hygiene commercial, if you catch my drift!" 

"With your teeth, you'd be lucky to get PoliGrip!  Bet you'd really gum the scenery too!"

"You couldn't deliver the Gettysburg Address without half a dozen Marco Rubio moments!"

"Then again maybe you could take an acting class, and learn how to act teeth!" 

"HEY, GEORGE & ABE:  You two need to cut this crap out!"

"Why, it's Bill Clinton!  Hey, Bubba!"

"Slick Willie!  Elvis has re-entered the building!"

"You two guys need to work together on this.  Accordin' to my standards ...

"According to your standards, Bill, my life was about as exciting as winter in Valley Forge. You, Abe?"

"Absolutely, George! Four score and seven had nothing to do with the number of babes I got to ..."

"No, no, no, guys! I just have two words to whisper to you both.  And they are ....."

"OMG, you're right, Bill!  Abe, you and I are both Numero Uno!"

"Right you are, Georgie!  Let's go get ourselves a drink and some dinner.

"Good deal, Abe.   And maybe later --- if you can hack it --- we'll take in a show!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Folks, what I whispered to Abe and George were the words:

Hillary Clinton!

I figured they'd rather spend the next four years sharin' first place than arguin' in 2016 who's gonna be second and who's third!

For The Math Challenged Only

Finally, math I like!

There's an old joke that goes:

There are three kinds of people in the world.  Those who are good at math and those who are not.   And the third group --- the one into which I fall  --- is those who are so bad at math they don't understand the joke!"

I've been math challenged since the very early age of 3, or 4, or 57, I'm not sure which. It began when I was learning to count.

Count to 10?  Okay, maybe.  

Count to 100?  If God had meant me to count to 100, he would have had me born on a planet where people have a whole hell of a lot more than ten fingers and ten toes!

Through the years in school, I was mauled by math, addled by algebra, and when it came to geometry,  just plain Lost in Space.  Although words were my friends, numbers were my enemies --- even the cute ones like 2 and 16.  I took comfort in one thing:  once I got out of school, I would never have to use math again! Hah! Hah! Haaahhh!   Just like Latin or Chemistry or Gym. 

Never ........  ever ........   EVER .......  AGAIN!!!     

But I was wrong. Math is all around us.  All the time.  Kind of like Ben Stiller.

You have to balance your checkbook.  I can't balance my checkbook without a member of the Wallenda family on either side of it.

You have to make change.  Over the years I've lost enough money through faulty change-making to get the U.S. out of hock to China. Or at least enough to pay off the mortgage on the Grand Coulee Dam.

You have to figure out how much you owe Harry the Slip before he sends a guy with a broken nose named Louie to break all 4 bones in your body! 

Even more upsetting, Einstein, Hawking, and countless others (whom I am wholly unable to count) have taught us that the entire universe is governed according to the principles of mathematics. No wonder my life is screwed up;  I'm living in a reality based on a subject in which I rarely got better than a "C!"

So what are we math malcontents supposed to do?  How do we survive in a universe where they've given us a number and taken away our name? 

1) Rent a Math Guy.  Consider renting your own personal Math Guy; maybe check Craig's List.  A good Math Guy will ensure you always split the dinner check correctly, decipher your Verizon bill, and determine exactly the correct amount for you to wager to become the next Jeopardy Champion should you make it to Final Jeopardy and come up with the correct question. 

2) Reject a Universe Based on Mathematics in Favor of One Based on Folksy Colloquialisms, and Hope It Catches On.

"The distances between objects in our universe are indeed vast.  Assume a spaceship leaves Earth travelling at the speed of 'Whee! This is such fun.' 

Between the time it departs Earth until the time it arrives at the nearest star system, a period equivalent to 'I thought we put the turkey in sufficiently early but it's still not done and Uncle John wants to leave' will have elapsed. 

This equals a staggering distance of 'Durn it, Madge, if you were to walk it, by the time you got there your feet would be the size of two overripe casauba mellons!'"

3) Become Proficient at Math. 

Next. 

4) Reject a Universe Based on Mathematics  in Favor of One Based On Presidential Administrations, and Hope it Catches On.

"So how old are you, Perry?"

"Truman Administration."  

"Wow, you look great for Truman Administration!" 

"Thank you." 

"That your girlfriend?  How old is she?"

"Mid-Reagan Epoch." 

 "Whoa!  How'd you do it?!   Umm, how's the sex?"

 "Clinton times a week!" 

"OMG!  And Clinton times a night?!" 

 "No, dude.  Kennedy times a night!!!" 

5) Fake It. 

Talk in percentages.  Say things like "what's the bottom line?"Learn the conceptual difference between a million and a billion and why you'd rather have either than 25 bucks.  

And for God's sake, go on Wheel, not Jeopardy!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An Open Letter to the Non-Millionaires of America

       

                          Senators Gillibrand and Landrieu

If you'd like to talk about them, just call.  
 Because we care! 

We, the members of the Republican Party of the United States of America, truly care about each and every one of you.

Especially when we’re on the back nine.

Because we care, we’re letting you know that shortly we’ll be slashing to ribbons every single wasteful spendthrift social entitlement program in the United States budget, including Medicare, Social Security, and Free Giveaways of Government Surplus Cardboard. There will not even be any ribbons left after we slash them to ribbons because we plan to slash the ribbons to ribbons as well. 

But don’t worry, dear underfunded friends.  You won’t be hurt in the least!  All you need do is become a millionaire before the cuts take effect.

You could:

 1) Have passionate and repeated sex with a member of the Obama Administration or a Democratic member of Congress, then blackmail him or her for millions of dollars. Even without a Clinton, Kennedy, or Edwards around, every Democrat is a seething, slobbering, cesspool of a pervert just waiting to pounce on pure, innocent and unsuspecting Republican women, if only there were any attractive ones.

Note: If you’re a guy and you manage to pull this off with Senator Kirsten Gillibrand of New York or Louisiana Senator Mary Landrieu and you’re indiscreet and feel like talking,  please give a call.  A sex tape would be heaven!

2) Start yourself up a business. Design an innovative product no one’s ever thought of before, arrange the necessary financing with the investment banker of your choice (we recommend J.P. Morgan Chase, Bank of America, or Royal Bank of Scotland), and set up a non-union manufacturing plant, preferably in a southern state. Or go off-shore, the costs are even lower!

3) Gamble!  No casinos where you live? Solicit your professional organization such as the American Medical Association (AMA),  the Committee of Unctuous  Lawyers (CUL), or the National Alliance for Nepotism (NAN) to hold its annual convention in Las Vegas or Atlantic City. Or better yet, join the National Rifle Association (NRA) and we’ll get our buds to hold their convention somewhere in a red state that has legalized gambling. Bring lotsa quarters! And bullets!

For more great ideas on earning plenty quicker than you can say Pawlenty, please see Perry Block’s perceptive piece “Idea or I-Dud,”  but forget the suggestion about Republican candidate bobble-head dolls because we’ve already been there, done that. 

Jiggle on, Newt!

And once you’ve become a millionaire, you won’t even have to pay taxes! We’re taking care of that for you too --- because we care.

We, the members of the Republican Party of the United States of America, can’t wait to welcome each and every one of you aboard the Yacht of State of our great country!

Just don’t ever expect us to play golf with you.

~~~~~~~~