And Now, Once Again, Sixty is Not the New 40

(But it ain't)

Sixty is the New 40 - I've written about this subject a number of times before, and though I'd love to believe it's true, it ain't.

Here's 30 more quick reasons that Sixty is Not the New 40:

1) Somebody who is 40 thinks the Low Spark of High Heeled Boys is about those little kids' sneakers that light up in the back.

2) Somebody who is 40 never worries about anybody ever referring to them as “40 years young.”

3) Somebody who is 40 has never heard the phrase “That’s two down, eight to go, Mr. Cerf.”

4) Check out the response you get when you sing “Hello Muddah, Hello Fadduh” by Allan Sherman to Somebody who is 40.

5) Somebody who is 40 does not remember Crazy Guggenheim. 

6) When Somebody who is 40 runs into an old friend, they never hear the words “Your liver still on the fritz?"

7) “Welcome to our Show for Hunt’s Catsup!” Think Somebody who is 40 has the slightest idea where that phrase comes from, let alone that "ketchup" was ever called “catsup."

8) Somebody who is 40 thinks Winky Dink is another cutesy name for you know

what!

9) Unlike Somebody who is 60, Somebody who is 40 has no idea why the Doors sing "Stronger than Dirt" at the end of "Touch Me"

10) Somebody who is 40 has no idea what this means:

Jane Kean!

Sheila MacRae!!

ARRRRT CARNEEEE!!!

GOODNIGHT, EVERYBODY!!!!

But you do.

11) Somebody who is 40 would have no way of knowing that “Kukla, Fran, and Ollie” is not a law firm.

12)Somebody who is 40 may have learned to draw when they were young but they did not learn to draw  with Jon Gnagy.

 13)  When someone mentions the word "turkey" and it isn't Thanksgiving, Somebody who is 40 does not begin rapidly hitting the bottom of his neck with the back of his hand.

14) Somebody who is 40 grew up with the word "hydrated."

15) Unlike Somebody who is 40, Somebody who is 60 never blinked an eye when they heard the lyrics in the theme to Green Acres "You are my wife!" "Goodbye City Life!" as Eddie Albert yanked Eva Gabor to the country life totally against her will. 

16) Somebody who is 40 thinks J. Fred Muggs was Chairman of the Securities and Exchange Commission in 1957.

17) Somebody who is 40 has never said "I'm letting my freak flag fly." 

18) You think that Somebody who is 40 who likes you likes you because you're a cool guy, when in actuality Somebody who is 40 who likes you likes you because you remind him of his dad.

19) Ever hear Somebody who is 40 singing “Once upon a time there was an engineer, Choo-Choo Charlie was his name we hear, he had an engine and he sure had fun, he used Good &Plenty candy to make the train run. Charlie says “love my Good & Plenty,Charlie says “really rings the bell.” Charlie says “love my Good & Plenty,don’t know any other candy that I love so well?”  Neither have I.

20) Who the hell is that young person hosting SNL this week?

21) When Somebody who is 40 is wholly unable to establish rapport with the hot twenty-ish waitress where he's having lunch, it is of course depressing but it isn't the end of the world!

22) Until quite recently Somebody who is 60 thought the word “selfie” referred to what they’ve pretty much been doing all their life.

23) Remember Sandler and Young?  Somebody who is 40 thinks they're a contracting firm.

24)  Somebody who is 40 probably thinks that Jack Paar, with a name like that, must have been even better than Arnold Palmer.

25)  Being that Carol Channing is a woman and Tatum O’Neal is a woman, Somebody who is 60 in all likelihood thinks Channing Tatum is a woman.

26) Somebody who is 40 does not meet people who look like Wilford Brimley and think “Jesus, I hope I don’t look that bad.”

27). Somebody who is 40 would have no way of distinguishing between Jerry Mahoney and Knucklehead Smith.

28). Somebody who is 40 is not at all amused by this list.  Somebody who is 40 is amused by the list “30 Reasons 40 is Not the New 20,” if indeed such a list even exists.

29) "I'd rather fight that switch" - okay, Somebody who is 40, for what product was this the slogan?  Tell 'em, Somebody who is 60!

30). Somebody who is 60 is old enough to be the boyhood idol of Somebody who is 40, even though it goes without saying you are nobody’s boyhood idol!



If you had rollicking  fun with this list, you really have to find a better concept of of "rollicking fun."  But if somehow you did rollick, you will find many more of these "Sixty is Not the New 40-isms" in my upcoming book "Perry Block- Nouveau Old, Formerly  Cute."

Watch for it in early 2018! Watching is good, but buying is even better. You could do both! 

It'll make you feel like you're 40 all over again!*  

*(Void where prohibited and impossible.)

I am the Eggman, WOO!

I'm old enough to remember when milkmen and egg men came to our doors once or twice a week offering us milk and eggs that were fresher than any that could be provided back in the day from the regular grocery store.

I miss them.

They were always congenial and their regular visits always welcome. I wish we could have someone like the milkmen/egg men of old visiting our homes today.

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"Who's that knocking at the door?"

"Good Morning, Mr. Block. It's Bob, Your Amazon Man!"

"Hi, Bob! I forgot it was Tuesday."

"Yep, I make my rounds in your neighborhood every single Tuesday!"

"Really raining outside, isn't it, Bob?"

"Nice weather ... for ducks!"

"Ha-ha-ha! Got anything special in your cart today?"

"Yes, got some really good wireless mice."

"Are they fresh?"

"Just squeeze' em and you'll see!"

"Wow, they're clicking like a tap dancer on a hardwood floor! How long do they last until they stop working when you're up against a deadline?"

"When you're up against a deadline."

"I'll take three."

"And I've got some tasty updates for your I-phone that Apple hasn't released yet."

"What do they provide?"

"The camera has much sharper resolution and a setting that makes everyone look Jewish. Siri says 'fuck you!' whenever you ask a stupid question. And there's an automatic anti-nausea feature that kicks in whenever you have to talk to someone from a red state."

"I'll take that last one for sure! Any new shitty self-published books?"

"Always! There's a book about a boy wizard named Mnuchin who battles evil princes, dragons, and ogres with a magic wand that diminishes their investment portfolios. There's so many typos the word Mnuchin looks normal!" 

"Anything else?"

"Perry Block's humor book: it stinks so bad I may have to fumigate my entire cart!"

"I'll pass on both." 

"Any electronics, lamps, blow-up ..."

"Nope! But thank you for coming by, Bob. It's great to have home delivery of Amazon products."

"Thank you, Mr. Block! And by the way, we're expanding our home delivery services. Next week we begin some additional deliveries on this route." 

"What's that?"

"Milk and eggs!"

"What a great idea! Where did that come from?"

"Haven't a clue."

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If We Got Orgasms from Things Other than Sex

Oh Yeah!  Oh Yeah!  That's it! 

Evolution knows what it’s doing.

Orgasms in human beings evolved so that the planet could be repopulated. If there were no such thing as the orgasm, people would find breeding about as exciting as The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon, and Earth would be as barren as Mars.

The orgasm is such a good idea it’s a shame that evolution did not imbue it in other important tasks to incent people to do them as well.

Paying bills for example:

“Time to to pay the PECO, PGW, and Mastercard bills.

This first one is from the PECO.  OMG, how can it be 135 dollars for the month? Screw me, PECO! Screw me! Ohh, God, screw me every way you can!

Now you, PGW! ... Oh yeah, bill me, bill me good!  I just can't resist you!  I’m writing the check now... That's write! That's write! 

I’M CUMMING  ... TO THE MASTERCARD BILL! 

Wait a minute! What is this charge for a hot tub? And an accordion? And a vacation in France? I’ve been hacked!

OH, shit. Billius interruptus!"

On second thought, maybe orgasms for everyday endeavors isn’t such a good idea.

If mundane tasks like opening the pickle jar or making toast brought on a crushing orgasm, then who’d want to bother to have sex with all the attendant hassle involved? 

In time we'd all become extinct. 

But until then we'd sure have fun paying all the bills. 

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The Implied Thank You

From the time we are small children we are taught that the magic words are "please” and “thank you.” We are also taught that you can hardly say these words enough times in the course of a day if you are a nice person.

You have been taught LIES!

Almost every day I go into my local Wawa convenience store to buy coffee.

When I enter I hold the door for someone exiting with coffee.

“Thank you,” they say.

“You’re welcome,” I reply.

When I leave someone holds the door for me.

“Thank you,” I say.

“You’re welcome,” they reply.

If I go several times to the convenience store in the course of a day that can equal three or four “thank yous” I’ve had to muster. Not to mention the “you’re welcomes” that must inevitably follow.

What a ridiculous waste of time and energy!

Why not simply imply a "thank you” whenever the door is held for you rather than your having to verbalize it?

Wawa could post a sign in the entrance:

“ONE ‘THANK YOU’ IMPLIED PER CUSTOMER PER EXIT.”

Then you and the door holder could remain blissfully silent while gratitude and acknowledgment of same would yet be warmly and fully pulsating between you.

The only time you would have to speak is when some asshole doesn’t hold the door. Then, and only then, you would be required to move your lips, exercise your larynx, and pronounce:

“You fucking piece of shit!”

Unfortunately this can’t be implied.

But people are pretty nice. The times you’ll have to go to this extreme are few and far between.

Pretty good idea, don’t you think?  You don’t have to thank me.

Your ‘thank you’ is implied.

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The COINS-SUCK Act

If the Democratic Party and what’s left among the smoking ruins of the Republican Party want to one day pass bipartisan legislation that would truly benefit the nation at large I heartily recommend:

The COINS-SUCK Act,

otherwise known as The Coinage Obviously Irrelevant, Nada, So Long, Sayonara, Unnecessary, Ciao, and Kiss Off Act.

Under this act, all American coinage including pennies, nickels, dimes, and quarters will be eliminated and all transactions will be conducted only in dollars rounded accordingly up or down.

Why not? Who needs coins anyway?

They don’t purchase anything anymore, clutter our pockets and bureaus, and accomplish little more than commemorate four great American presidents who already get plenty of positive press as it is.

Consider the usage and convenience of coins in a typical purchase in a typical variety store like Philadelphia’s Wawa.

“That’ll be $4.87, sir,” says the person behind the counter.

“Gee, I think I have a lot of change to get rid of,” you say, somewhat embarrassed you’re not just handing the guy five nice convenient dollars. “Lemme see if can scare up the 87 cents.”

You begin digging through your right hand pocket but are immediately thwarted by your cell phone.  So you weave your hand around your phone to get to the monetary bounty below and practically cut yourself on your jingle jangle of keys. 

Why do you have 12 keys on the chain, including the key to your sophomore apartment from 40 years ago? It doesn’t even bring back good memories since not only didn’t you ever get laid there you didn’t even have a TV to watch The Mod Squad!

Continuing the journey to the center of your pocket, you encounter a comb, used handkerchief, a couple of random receipts, a slinky, and a full-sized anvil from the Acme Company left over from a Warner Brothers cartoon. Now on to the change at last.

FUCK!

All your change is in your other pocket.

You reach into your left pocket and pull out enough coin of the realm to finance the realm. While parsing through it all you drop a coin on the floor, and it's time for cost benefit analysis.

If the coin is a lowly penny, retrieval doesn’t warrant the slightest bend at the knee. If it's a quarter, though, groveling upon the floor like a four legged farm animal might be well in order.

But what if you don’t know what the coin is?

Time to rout around on a floor so filthy you’re likely to contract a disease that's so insanely virulent it's the basis of a drug commercial in which even the actor who doesn’t really have it looks like shit. 

You find the coin.

It is a penny.

And you’ve split the seam in your pants.

So, folks, once we have a real government again, remember to write to your Congressperson or Senator and tell them to vote for:

The COINS-SUCK ACT!

Woo them with significant contributions to their re-election campaigns.  And don't forget to make your contribution in nickels, dimes, quarters, and especially pennies.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Now this kind of money we can keep!

I Reintroduce The Mantra of the Nouveau Old, Formerly Cute

When I was younger, I thought people in their 60’s were totally cool with the concept of getting older. I always used to think that people who were 66 years old were perfectly happy to be 66 years old.  

They were into being 66 years old.

They were good at being 66 years old.

They felt they'd finally achieved the age they were always supposed to be. When they'd be shaving in the morning and looked in the mirror and saw Larry King on his worst day, they'd point at what looked like Larry King on his worst day, give a wry smile, and make that satisfied click-click sound people make with their tongues at the side of the mouth when they’re pleased with themselves and pleased with the world.

"Yep," they'd say "that's me!  I sure do look my age, which is great!  I'm worn out, wrinkled, bald, and with absolutely no chance of attracting anything less than the scurviest of women on the planet!  

It's all as it should be."

Then they'd go out of the bathroom into the bedroom and masturbate to Judi Dench.

But none of that is true!  Inside we all remain 40 forever.

Ever see a very old couple ---say 80-90 years old --- sitting together at dinner at a restaurant? You probably think "my, that's cute!"  

Trust me, it's not cute!

The old boy is thinking "who the hell is this prune Danish I'm sitting next to? And why isn't the hot young waitress groping me under the table every time she brings the cheese rolls?"

Why's he think this way?  Because inside he's 40.  Just like all the rest of us. 

And the wife? 

She wants to fuck George Clooney.

I realize I am way closer to being 80 years old than I am to being 40. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It is time to reintroduce: The Mantra of the Nouveau Old,Formerly Cute

It is meant for those for who feel the road ahead is suddenly all in the rear view mirror, who have reached the age they always thought was exclusively reserved for people’s parents, and who are fully eligible for the Senior Special at IHOP, but frankly I’d stick with the pancakes.

Chant it, meditate upon it, burn incense in its honor, but for god’s sake, don’t burn the blog down, the insurance has lapsed!  

We can talk later about royalties.

Mantra of the  

Nouveau Old, Formerly Cute

We are the Nouveau Old, Formerly Cute!

Incipient Baby Boomer Geezers.

Inside we are 40!  No, not 60 or more!
Our enemies: the mirror, the camera, your 'who gives a fuck's' galore!
We like to think we’re cool, we’d like to think we rock,
But demographically we’re poison, just pigeon-feeder stock!

We are the Nouveau Old, Formerly Cute!
Incipient Baby Boomer Geezers.

Today we sprout hair in all the wrong places,
But where we so want it, only wide open spaces!
Once we trusted no one over 30, it’s true,
Today we know no one under, no gentile, no Jew!

We are the Nouveau Old, Formerly Cute!
Incipient Baby Boomer Geezers.

A bit of the bubbly means Alka-Seltzer,
Hard drugs --- Viagra, whadya expect, sir?
Once cuddly and cute, hip, happening, and cool,
now avuncular, respected, well-furrowed, mature.

We are the Nouveau Old, Formerly Cute!
Incipient Baby Boomer Geezers.

We are Generation Ex-Lax, not X.
We are Generation Why? not Y.
Hug one of us today!
Preferably me.

Please.

The New Logo of the Republican Party

THE UNITED QUISLING PARTY OF AMERICA

Formerly known as the Republican Party

Things have changed now, folks. Until every Republican in Congress including those in very red districts stops defending Trump, I consider this to be the new logo of the Republican Party:

Welcome to the United Quisling Party of America

Many Republican Congresspersons and Senators continue to dismiss the connection between Trump and Russia with the same smugness which was somehow indelibly implanted upon the faces of Trump Sr. and Jr. since birth. Talk about the elephant in the room, they choose to ignore the elephant in their underpants!  

Shameless Republicans continue to blithely apologize and rationalize for Trump or talk about how his moronic behavior is "concerning" or "bothersome," but let's continue  on with the Trump show!

Update of 7/16/18:  It is now time for you guys to formally decide whether you side with our country or a foreign adversary. You know where Trump stands. Does it take courage to stand up against the President of the United States? Of course, but you chose to run for Congress and style yourselves worthy to be one of the leaders of the United States of America.

Are you Republicans or ....

                The United Quisling Party of America!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(That's Mr. Quisling above, folks.) 

Youth is Wasted on the Product Logos

Before                    After




We live in a youth-obsessed society, which isn't such a terrific thing when you are obsessed with youth and don't happen to have it anymore.  

This accent on youth doesn't just pertain to human beings, it even extends to product logos. Several years ago the familiar Quaker Oats guy got himself a makeover. With the stroke of an advertising agency's pen, he was made younger, thinner, and cuter than ever before.

Apparently in  order to eat oatmeal these days it's important to first want to have sex with the guy on the oatmeal package, even if he's a seventeenth century Quaker.

I predict more such changes are coming.

Uncle Ben's will announce that its new packaging will feature a much younger version of its traditional avuncular progenitor. He will now be called Dude Ben.  In place of the bow tie he's been wearing since 1946, Dude Ben - who's 22 - will now sport a hipster tattoo and bunch of tattoos.

Feel like a nice bowl of rice? Get it while he's hot!

I mean, it's hot.

Tony the Tiger is soon to become Tony the Cub, the Gerber Baby will knock back a couple of years to become the Gerber Fetus, but the biggest change of all is planned for Poppin' Fresh, the Pillsbury Doughboy.

He will morph into Poppin' Lump o' Dough.

Why do old logos get to be young again while I remain so old and wrinkly that the only logo I'd be suitable for belongs on a box of raisins?

It's just not fair!

Youth is wasted on the product logos.

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