Tamping Down Trump's Tweets

"Good very very early morning, Mr. Trump! I'm Ernest Kropotkin, and I'm here to help you with your Twitter Account."

"I don't need any help. I know more about Twitter than the Kardashians!  My Twitter Account is the No.1 most followed Twitter Account in the world!"

"Actually, Mr. Trump - not to fact check you - but that's false. You're not even in the top 25."

"What do you want, Mr. Kropotkin?"

"I've been sent to help you present a more positive image with your tweets. Look, I've revised a few you've just posted. Here's the first:

Donald J. Trump‏Verified account @realDonaldTrump9 hours ago

Just returned from Europe. Trip was a great success for America. Hard work but big results!

And this is how I've revised it, Mr. Trump:

Donald J. Trump‏Verified account @realDonaldTrump

 Just flew in from Europe and boy are my arms tired! 

"What?!!!  Where's my bullying scowl?! Where's my orange hair?! What is that I'm holding? A tiny human being?"

"That's called a baby, Mr. Trump."

"That picture is as creepy as my son Eric!"

"I'm trying to humanize you, Mr. Trump."

"Hey, why don't you use a picture of Ivanka about 16 years old looking hot and curvy and sitting in my eager lap? That wouldn't be creepy at all!"

"What do you think of the tweet, Mr. Trump?"  

"Oh, it's a great joke! You know I wrote that joke! About the same time I created the expression prime the pump." 

"Here I've revised the second part of your tweet:

Donald J. Trump @realDonaldTrump

 Sorry I made an asshole out of myself at NATO.  Hell, who am I to talk about  anyone not paying bills, I never pay mine either!

"Why would I tweet that?!  Are you going to have me apologize to that loser from Montenegro next for getting in the way of my preening?"

"I'm trying to humanize you, Mr. Trump."

"I'm the most human person you'll ever meet in your entire life!"

"Here's one more of your tweets I've revised. First the original:
8 hours ago

More

Verified accountDonald J. Trump‏ @realDonaldTrump
 The Fake News Media works hard at disparaging & demeaning my use of social media because they don't want America to hear the real story!

 ..... and as I've slightly massaged it."

Donald J. Trump‏Verified account @realDonaldTrump 9 hours ago

There is no Fake News Media.Though I have issues with the news media, I honor the Ladies and Gentlemen of the Press in their efforts to ensure America hears the real story.

"No! I would never tweet anything like that! For me to put something like that out on Twitter, I'd need Vladimir Putin's approval!"
"Mr. Trump, who do you think sent me?"
"Putin?"
"Of course. Even he's trying to humanize you, Mr. Trump!"
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Happy Birthday, Dear Avatar

It's a special Birthday today, September 12, 2016. 

Let's all sing!

But it's not my birthday I'm talking about. 

Quite frankly I haven’t celebrated my birthday since Haley Joel Osment was cute. 

I’m wishing happy birthday to my Avatar.  You know, the profile picture I use on Twitter, Facebook, and this blog.

I was 54 years old when my profile picture was taken and I’m now 67. If my Avatar were a person, it would have already been masturbating for years now.

Although male pattern deterioration had already set in for me at age 54, I was still somewhat marketable. Nobody threw up when they saw me coming and attractive women meeting me for the first time could conceivably have thought “if a horrible catastrophe wiped out all of the men on earth, I could probably get drunk enough to consider mild petting with him.”

None of my facial features had as yet been placed on life support.

The picture was taken on a beautiful warm summer's  day which turned out to be one of my best hair days in a decade, in Disneyworld. Hard to imagine more optimal circumstances under which to muster a decent enough photo of myself to later press into service as my official internet emissary.  

For seven straight years.`

C’mon, don’t play so innocent, fellow Boomer! 

You can’t tell me you’re not rocking an online picture that's been around so long it might have been cropped from a selfie with Kaiser Wilhelm or one in which you’re wearing enough makeup for it to accompany your application to clown school.  

 

Next year, my Avatar will celebrate its Bar Mitzvah.  Mazel tov!  

And in another 13 years or so we may all be together to celebrate its wedding. 

You better believe if I’m still here, my Happy Birthday Avatar will be too!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Top Ten Signs You Need To Cool It On Twitter

Once it seemed like you were made for each other, you and Twitter.

Yes, Twitter brought you your own little window on the world in 140 characters or less. Suddenly obscure little you became a major league player in the worlds of politics, world affairs, entertainment, and looking at mangy cats. You mixed and mingled with interesting and exotic people from around the world who, were they to have met you in person, would never have deigned to mix and mingle with obscure little you at all.  

But gradually there have come to be issues. Every time you receive an RT you do a victory lap around the room and high five your stuffed bear. You send birthday presents to everyone you are following on Twitter including @KimJongUnDude. Lately as you spend even more and more time on Twitter, you need to be regularly re-introduced to those two diminutive people who live in your house named Kristin and Timmy.

It is close to the breaking point.  Here are:

The Top Ten Signs You Need To Cool It On Twitter 

10) That huge emoji overhead when you go outside?  That's the sun, asshole!

9) You follow everyone that Twitter recommends you follow even if their profiles include the words "Proud Craigslist Stalker," "Conspiracy Theorist Who Believes You Killed John F. Kennedy,"or "Republican."

8) You named your first born son "Woot!"

7) You are convinced that Kim Kardashian is tweeting just for you!

6) You frequently use the hashtag #HELPMEOMGPLEASEHELPME!

5) Can't get enough dick jokes even if they're just about a guy named Dick.

4) You follow that idiot @PerryBlock.

3) You are fuming that you flunked the tryouts for Team Follow Back.

2)You type LOL after every one of your tweets, even if they're about economic infrastructure and agrarian land reform.

And the Number One Sign You Need To Cool It On Twitter,

1) You're so busy with Twitter that when someone mentions pornography you say "Porn?  Is that on the web too?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Fare Thee Well, We Tweet

It's true. Whenever a celebrity or dignitary wishes to express his condolences, grief, or appreciation regarding a colleague or friend who has passed away anymore, he or she does it via Twitter.

Many of us, however, remember a time when people had to come forward and appear in public to express their feelings upon the death of someone who mattered to them. In those days you actually saw and felt true emotion and the impact of loss.

It's kind of not the same when bereaved individuals can tweet how upset they are while sitting on the crapper. And frankly, the rather childish word “tweet” doesn't have sufficient gravity to convey emotions as serious and important as grief and sorrow.  If you can tweet your grief, shouldn't you also be able to twinkle your condolences or bebop your angst?  

Apparently in the very near future, you can.

Former Secretary of State
 Harry Truckman Dies
Obituary - March 23, 2018

It was announced today that Former Secretary of State Harry S. Truckman, who served three United States Presidents and is credited with being the first Secretary of State to successfully locate Burkina Faso on the map, has died.

"I am greatly saddened by the death of my dear friend Harry Truckman," President Donald Trump merrymounted today on the social network Merrymount. "All of us owe Harry Truckman a great debt for his stellar service to the nation," President Trump additionally tweeted as well as flamboozled on Flamboozle. 

Praise for Harry Truckman was tweeted, merrymounted, and flamboozled from round the world.   "Michelle, Malia, Sasha, and I are truly distraught over the passing of our friend Harry," flamboozled former President Barack Obama, with whom Mr. Truckman also served.

"He was a man of faith and principle,” deedled Pope Francis on the official Vatican social network Deedledop, and Queen Elizabeth flamboozled, merrymounted, tweeted, and deedled her condolences as well.

It was Mr. Truckman's widow, Mrs. Mary Truckman, however, who best summed up the feelings of the nation Harry Truckman loved:

"There will never come another like him this way again," Mrs. Truckman gigglefarted on Gigglefart. 

Truer words were never gigglefarted.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This post is a re-working of an earlier version of Fare Thee Well, We Tweet to remove some relatively stale social references.  The subject manner, however, remains as fresh as the day it was written!

As does its lack of popularity with readers. 

Dracula 2015 - An Epistolary Novel

Yes, it will be my pleasure to poke you!

An epistolary novel is a novel written as a series of documents such as letters, diary entries, and newspaper clippings.  Printed in 1897, Dracula by Bram Stoker is one of most well-known epistolary novels, compiled entirely of letters, diary entries, newspaper clippings, telegrams, doctor's notes, ship's logs, and the like.

But what if Dracula were written today?

Jonathan Harker's Twitter

                  
Jonathan Harker @HarkMan
WOOT!  Transylvania will be awesome! Dude named Dracula texted me &      I'm off!  Luv u, @Mina_HotChick! ♥ ♥ ♥!!!!  

Jonathan Harker @HarkMan
On train thru Carpathian Mts.  Peasant women here look pretty except when u get near them, they all look like actor Jonah Hill in a babushka! 


 Jonathan Harker @HarkMan
 Frightened old lady in hotel heard me talk of Dracula and put crucifix  around my  neck!    WTF?  #DontTellRabbiMishkin


 Jonathan Harker @HarkMan
 On coach to Borgo Pass.  Odd; other passengers outdoing one another  pointing at me, clutching throats, & making gagging sounds!    Woohoo!


 Jonathan Harker @HarkMan
 Have arrived at crumbling old Castle Dracula. Place could use work.    Nothing that a coat of paint & 6 wrecking balls couldn't  cure! #WhataDump  

Jonathan Harker @HarkMan
Starting to think visiting Dracula may turn out to be as much fun as attending same-sex wedding w/ Justice Scalia!  :-(    :-(    :-(   

Dracula's Twitter

Dracula@Fangsalot46
I am @Fangsalot46.   I tweet you welcome, @HarkMan! #SpidertotheFly


Dracula@Fangsalot46
Woohoo, I luv Twitter!  I have over 17,000 followers. Of course, most of them follow me with torches, pitchforks, and pickaxes!  LOL!!!  :-)



Dracula@Fangsalot46
How about giving me a retweet on that one, @HarkMan?  I get more RTs than Kim Kardashian's bare ass ever did!  #AskTheNearestZombie


Dracula@Fangsalot46
WOOT! The Childen of the Night; What music they make!  Wait,  I'm sensing a boy band here ....  https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Backstreet_Boys

Dracula@Fangsalot46
Make yourself at home,@HarkMan! Tomorrow there will be breakfast, and since this is Twitter, with bacon & copious amounts of coffee!    

             

Dracula@Fangsalot46
No, I never drink .... coffee.  Just sayin' .   

            
Dracula@Fangsalot46
I bid you good night, @HarkMan.  Sleep tight, don't let the bedbugs bite. That's my job!  LMFAO!  #WannaNeck?   

Jonathan Harker's Facebook

Jonathan Harker

Dearest Mina.  I must now communicate via Facebook because the Count is a Tweethead! What's worse, he LOLs his own jokes and insists I give him RTs! Dracula is a bizarre diseased creature who recoils at the sight of a crucifix, casts no reflection in a mirror, and roots for the Phillies!  Oh, Mina, please comfort me by posting a picture of Pedals, our adorable kitten! 

 Mina Murray's Facebook

Mina Murray

Of course, dearest Jonathan! Here is  our sweet Pedals, all dressed up like a vampire from last Halloween!

  

Jonathan Harker's Facebook

Jonathan Harker
Mina, remind me when I get back we have to talk about our relationship!

Dracula's  Facebook

 Dracula

So you are on Facebook too, my dear young sir?  Please friend me, then I will poke you.  Believe me, I will poke you!!!  (And Go, Phils!) 

Jonathan Harker's LinkedIn

 Jonathan Harker

Current Position:Solicitor (Living) 

Next Position: Solicitor (?)

Mina, the count is an ardent Facebooker too! I must now communicate through LinkedIn.  Nobody but nobody uses LinkedIn, especially people who want to get a job.

Dracula's LinkedIn

Dracula
Previous Position: Sucking the Blood of Crusaders
Current Position: Free Lance Blood Sucker (No, not an attorney)

Good Evening, Mr. Harker! Note that I have already endorsed you for European travel, real estate development, and Deliciousness! I am afraid you are out of luck now with social networks, unless you want to use JDate!

Jonathan Harker's Twitter   

               

   Jonathan Harker @HarkMan
 @Mina_HotChick! Had a tete a tete w/ the Count & all is fine. You will be a bite ... I mean, sight ... for sore eyes!  Luv u!  ♥ ♥ ♥!!!! #WannaNeck?

End.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Fare Thee Well, We Tweet

Within the past few weeks, three young television performers sadly passed away and they were duly mourned, as people are these days, via Twitter. They were Corey Monteith, Gia Allemand, and Lee Thomas Young, and though I can't claim to even know who they were, it's nice to know they were given a proper sendoff by those who loved them and cared about them. 

Here's just a small part of it: 

1. Lea Michele ‏@msleamichele29 Jul

   Thank you all for helping me through this time with your enormous love & support. Cory will forever be in my heart. pic.twitter.com/XVlZnh9vOc

1. janet tamaro ‏@JanetTamaro21h

   We are broken-hearted. #RIPLeeThompsonYoung

1. Jake Pavelka ‏@jakepavelka114 Aug

   And a very dear friend. My heart goes out to her family during this very difficult time. We have lost angel today. I miss you Gia... 😢

Now, I'm sure the sentiments expressed by these three on the Twitter are heartfelt; after all, Janet Tamaro  is holding big red fake lips in front of her face and Jake Pavelka is smiling as though even he thinks it's funny he's a hunky guy with a name like Pavelka. But many of us remember a time when celebrities actually had to come forward and appear in public to express their sorrow at the death of someone they cared about. And in those days you actually saw and felt actual emotion and bereavement.

It's kind of not the same when bereaved individuals can tweet how upset they are while sitting on the crapper!

Does it even sound appropriate to tweet your grief and sorrow? Frankly, the rather childish word tweet doesn't have sufficient gravity to convey emotions as serious and important as grief and sorrow.  If you can tweet your grief, shouldn't you also be able to twinkle your condolences or biddy debop your angst?  

And there's little doubt that new social networks will continue to proliferate.  Soon we'll all be turning to the HuffPost for obituaries very much like:  

Former Secretary of State
 Harry Truckman Dies
Obituary - March 23, 2021

          It was announced today that Former Secretary of State Harry S. Truckman, who served two United States Presidents and is credited with being the first Secretary of State to successfully locate Burkina Faso on the map, has died.

         "I am greatly saddened by the death of my dear friend Harry Truckman,"  President Hillary Clinton merrymounted today on the social network Merrymount. "All of us owe Harry Truckman a great debt for his stellar service to the nation," President Clinton additionally tweeted as well as flamboozled on Flamboozle. 

          Praise for Harry Truckman was tweeted, merrymounted, and flamboozled from round the world.   "Michelle, Malia, Sasha, and I are truly distraught over the passing of our friend Harry," flamboozled former President Barack Obama, with whom Mr. Truckman also served. "He was a true statesman of the first rank, here, here, tut, tut!" merrymounted and tweeted young Prince George from London, and both of his parents sent similar messages via Flamboozle.

          "I feel lousy about poor Harry as well," deedledopped Vice-President Joe Biden on the relatively little used social network Deedledop.  It was Mr. Truckman's widow, Mrs. Mary Truckman, however, who best summed up the feelings of the nation  Harry Truckman loved:

           "There will never come another like him this way again," Mrs. Truckman gigglefarted on Gigglefart. 

      
          Truer words were never gigglefarted.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~