Stating that “this is definitely a win for me, which is so important, so important,” President Donald Trump stood between Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu and President Mahmoud Abbas of the Palestinian National Authority as they signed a historic peace treaty ending 70 years of conflict.
Following in the grand traditions of the American Health Care Act, the peace accord has no meaningful details attached to it other than the words “Jared Kushner will work it out.”
“We know Mr. Kushner will do a great job finishing up the agreement,” said a glowing Mr. Abbas “because I know he is one smart cookie, although I’ve never met him personally. He’ll certainly put an end to settlements, locate the Palestinian capital in Jerusalem proper, and provide repatriation and reparations for all Palestinians driven from their homes at the time of the founding the illegitimate Israeli state.”
“I am happy to join Mr. Abbas in signing this accord,” beamed Mr. Netanyahu, “as I know Mr. Kushner will do a great job finishing up the agreement which will certainly include a huge expansion of settlements, locating the Palestinian capital in some shitty little town in the West Bank, and resettlement of Palestinians who voluntarily fled Israeli at the time we Jews returned to our rightful homeland on some little island in the Pacific."
“I am certain of this because I have known Jared Kushner since he was a child,” added Mr. Netanyahu “and I know he has not spoken a word since he was eight. When he does speak I'm sure what he says will be profound because why else would President Ivanka Trump have married him?”