Letting Go of Jerry Lewis

I was sorry to hear about the passing of Jerry Lewis. In the 50’s and early 60's, we little kids waited for the next Jerry Lewis movie like nerds today wait for the next Star Wars movie

I feel like a bit of my childhood died with Jerry Lewis. And I’m not ready to let my childhood – or Jerry – go!

  

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“Good Mohrrning, Bwandon!"

“Dad, why are you talking so funny?”

“Tawking funny? I’m not tawking funny!  WooOOAAAHH!"

“Are you trying to talk like Jerry Lewis?”

“You’re eating fweezer waffles, Bwandon? The fweezer waffles are good because the goodness is in the waffles, and there’s no badness with the goodness…”

“You are trying to talk like Jerry Lewis.”

“I miss Jerry. I have to keep him alive.”

“But wasn’t he kind of an obnoxious jerk?”

“Yes, but he was my obnoxious jerk! Oh, LayDEEEESSS!!!”

“I don’t even like his movies that much.”

“Brandon, the Nutty Professor is a classic! Actually Miss Purdy… Mr. Buddy Love … I’ll pay attentshun! I’ll pay attentshun!”

"This is terrible! How am I going to get you out of this?”

“Bwandon, let’s do the Jerry Lewis Memory Test!”

“Oh no, you’ve been boring me with that since I was four.”

“One hen. One hen, two ducks. One hen, two ducks, three squawking geese … c'mon, do it with me!”

“Dad, cut it out! We’ve got a lot of problems in the world, with our terrible president, North Korean nuclear threat, and hurricanes bashing Florida.”

“You’re right, Brandon.  It’s time to get serious …”’

“Good, Dad, good.”

“About my kids! When you walk through a storm, keep your head up high …”

 “Hell, I don’t know which of the two Jerrys is worse!”

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Thank you, Jerry Lewis, the King of Comedy, for all the laughs all my life. 

President Trump's International Itinerary, As Booked By Mario Perillo Tours

Statement from the Press Secretary on President Donald J. Trump’s Upcoming International Travel:

("Remember my Dad?  He'd have been proud that we've added custom designed Italy vacations ....")

President Trump has insisted that all travel for the White House be booked by Perillo Tours because he's seen this commercial way too many times and he does remember Steve Perillo's dad. The following is the Perillo Tours itinerary developed for Trump for his upcoming international trip. 

May 19: President Trump departs.  Biding him farewell are Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell and Speaker of the House Paul Ryan who will wave handkerchiefs, blow kisses, and otherwise betray their responsibilities as elected officials of the United States to millions upon millions of people worldwide. 

May 20: President Trump will visit King Salman bin Abd Al-Aziz in the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia. The visit will reaffirm the strong partnership between the United States and Saudi Arabia as the two leaders discuss efforts to defeat terrorist groups and discredit radical ideologies, such as the one espoused by the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia.

May 22: President Trump will next visit President Reuven Rivlin and Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu in Israel where he will make use of the opportunity to further demonstrate his total lack of understanding of even the most elemental and rudimentary aspects of the Arab-Israeli conflict beyond “maybe Israel should institute a Muslim ban?” 

They will also discuss ways to achieve A Great Deal! between the Israelis and Palestinians to resolve this millennia old conflict which will be "so easy even my evidently mute unqualified son-in-law could do it" and include a warranty to Israel on the West Bank of Two Years or 2,000 Terrorist Attacks, Whichever Comes First.

May 23: President Trump will next accept the invitation of President Mahmoud Abbas of the Palestinian Authority to meet to discuss ways to achieve A Great Deal! between the Israelis and Palestinians to resolve this millennia old conflict which will be "so easy even my evidently mute unqualified son-in-law could do it" and include a warranty to the Palestinians on the West Bank of Two Years or 2,000 Israeli Incursions, Whichever Comes First.

May 24:  Traveling next to Italy, President Trump will meet with His Holiness Pope Francis at the Vatican to discuss cooperation between the United States and the world’s great religions and the Pope will explain to President Trump why references to “what would Jesus do?” will not be particularly helpful in resolving the Arab-Israeli Conflict. 

May 26: From Rome, the President will continue on to previously announced visits to Brussels for the NATO summit and to Sicily for the G7 meeting during which Mr. Trump will be presented with an acrostic to help him remember the names of the nations in the G7.  If he proves able to master it, Mr. Trump will be presented with the Jerry Lewis Announcer's Test.*

May 28: The President will return home to find a man with a well-groomed head of short white hair living in the White House.  Following a period of intense consternation, President Trump will call Steve Perillo for a reasonable place to stay for the night in Washington.

Steve Perillo's dad - Mario Perillo, Mr. Italy - would have been proud! 

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*Some Boomers may remember this.  I've been able to do it since I was ten. I doubt Trump would get past "one hen" or "one hen, two ducks," and certainly not past "one hen, two ducks, three squawking geese."  

No way past "squawking geese."

Oh, Ladeees!  Boy, does that guy Trump have an ego!

34 More Reasons Why 60 Is Not The New 40

I don't know what Boomer ever came up with the saying "60 Is The New 40," but it is awfully comforting to hear, isn't it,  fellow oldsters? 

Unfortunately it's a load of crap.  And there's no shortage of reasons why.   

Here's 34 more:

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1) Before the movie came out, somebody who is 40 thought Frost Nixon was a drink.

2) Unlike somebody who is 60, somebody who is 40 thinks Dinah Shore is a place to vacation for the summer.

3) Somebody who is 60 thinks Vampire Weekend refers to AMC's programming for the Saturday and Sunday before Halloween.

4) "Never had it, never will --- Ah, ha, ha, ha!"  If you want a blank stare, try pulling that one on somebody who is 40.

6) Somebody who is 40 never heard of the Dave Clark Five while somebody who is 60 cannot believe he or she once thought "Wow, the Dave Clark Five are almost as good as the Beatles!"  

7) Unlike somebody who is 40, someone who is 60 does not think Tom Terrific is a male prostitute. 

8) Somebody who is 40 has never heard the expression "you know, it could be the Crest!" while somebody who is 60 can recite "Crest has been shown to be an effective decay preventative dentifrice that can be of significant value when used in a conscientiously applied program of oral hygiene and regular professional care" as if it were the Gettysburg Address.

9) Unlike somebody who is 60, somebody who is 40 hears America on the radio and thinks "I don't remember a song like that by Neil Young." 

10)  This is actor Tom Berenger at 40                    This is actor Tom Berenger at 60

11) Unlike someone who is 40, someone who is 60 would never say "how can an unattractive old dude like Jon Voight have a beautiful daughter like Angelina Jolie?"

11) Unlike someone who is 40, somebody who is 60 did not grow up with anybody named Tiffany or Brittany but did grow with someone named Emily before the name Emily became uncool before the name Emily became cool again.

12) There has never been and never will be a movie called This is 60.

13) Somebody who is 40 thinks Donna Read made It's a Wonderful Life and then must have retired from show business because you hardly ever see her in movies after that.

14) Unlike somebody who is 60, somebody who is 40 cannot understand why movies made in the 1940's do not contain bare breasts and people like Cary Grant and Ingrid Bergman copulating furiously.

15) Unlike somebody who is 60, somebody who is 40 does not know what Lyndon Johnson's voice sounded like.

16) Stand up straight?  Stand up straight?  I AM standing up straight!

17) Unlike somebody who is 40, somebody who is 60 crosses him or herself whenever a celebrity in his or her 60's dies even if he or she is Jewish. 

18) Somebody who is 40 would never believe there was ever a hip guy on television named Lloyd Thaxton.  

19) When somebody who is 60 mentions that Superman shot himself, somebody who is 40 says "No, Superman fell off a horse!" 

20) "Who is Dr. Zorba?"  Let's see somebody who is 40 pull that one out of the air as the correct response to a clue in the category 1950's Television Shows on Jeopardy. 

21)  You think that somebody who is 40 who likes you likes you because he thinks you're a cool guy when in actuality that person who is 40 who likes you likes you because he thinks of you as being like his dad.

22)  C'mon, admit it!  You've watched that Florence Henderson Show on RTLV recently and even sort of enjoyed it.

23) Somebody who is 40 never saw the television commercial in which Robert Lamm of Chicago played the piano and sang "Where You Think You're Goin" while a very hot chick looked on adoringly and then the two of them turned to the camera and Robert Lamm said "A lot of our friends and a lot of your friends aren't around any more because they were shooting dope. We miss them."   Yep, they never saw it.  Don't have a clue about it.

24) Somebody who is 40 can barely remember when Chevy Chase wasn't a bigger joke than anything he's ever said in any of his movies.

25) Unlike somebody who is 40, somebody who is 60 thinks Coldplay refers to the last time he put the moves on a woman.  

26) Who the fuck is that young guy hosting SNL this week anyway?

27) Somebody who is 60 is cheered that Harrison Ford is still playing action heroes.   Somebody who is 40 wonders when Harrison Ford is going to stop playing action heroes and start playing grandfathers like he's supposed to.

28) Somebody who is 40 does not remember Les Crane.

29) Somebody who is 40 not only doesn't remember the reunion of Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis on the Muscular Dystrophy Telethon in 1976 but also doesn't have the slightest idea why anybody gave a shit.

30) C'mon, admit it!  You've watched that Florence Henderson Show on RTLV recently and actually enjoyed the hell out of it!

31) Somebody who is 40 has jumped on the current bandwagon and is taking selfies. The only selfie somebody who is 60  knows anything about is pretty much the same selfie he's been doing all his life.

32)   Somebody who is 40 has heard about a television show named  My Mother the Car, which was one of the stupidest TV shows ever.  You religiously watched My Mother the Car every week and were mega-upset when it was taken off the air.

33) This is Sally Struthers at 40                                  This is Sally Struthers at 60

34) Sorry. Unless you come across somebody who is 40 who is very undiscriminating, somebody who is 60 --- namely you --- can cross sex with somebody who is 40 totally off your bucket list! 

SPACE RESERVED FOR FUTURE AUGMENTING

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It's a Miracle!

Now that's a Hanukkah Miracle!

As most everyone knows, no matter how trumped up it is or may be, Hanukkah is never going to be as big and bold as Christmas. 

Then again, it was never meant to be.  

Although the fabled eight nights of Hanukkah gifts impresses at first blush, generations of Jewish children know the reality. While the First Night of Hanukkah you might get a cool set of trains, by Nights Four or Five, you're getting underwear and by the time you reach Night Eight, it's one half of a pair of dice with the note "just double it, kid!" 

But Hanukkah's biggest problem isn't the inevitable mismatch with Christmas.  Simply put, the miracle upon which Hanukkah is centered is just not the stuff of which Charleton Heston - starred Biblical epics are made.  Frankly, Temple-consecrating oil conservatively estimated to last a day or two hanging on for an entire eight days is about as compelling a miracle as my making it successfully to work when the gauge is registering below zero but I'm too lazy to stop for gas!

Wanna Pump Up Hanukkah?   Here's my suggestions for an alternative or two that'll have you shouting:

"IT'S A MIRACLE!"

1) One night shortly after the Hebrews’ victory over the Greeks, the skies above Jerusalem suddenly burst forth and mighty droplets of consecrated oil land upon the city!  The downpour provides enough oil to light the Temple lamp for a full eight days, but is kind of hard to get out of the cat.

2) While out hunting one day for sustenance for his family on his small plot of land near the City of David, a humble servant of the Lord named Jedidiah discovers oil. Well, the first thing you knowest, old Jed becamest a millionaire, his kinsmen and kinswomen badest him move away from there....

3) Just as the oil is believed close to burning out, the oil meter is discovered to be broken. And when the necessary repairs are made, the meter reads that there is sufficient oil to light the Temple lamp for another 6.45 days, thereby reaching eight complete days! 

This is considered a great miracle because a Jew fixes something.

4) Through the miracle of time travel, famed entertainer Jerry Lewis travels back to ancient Israel!  His predilections for grooming as legendary as his talent, Mr. Lewis lends the Hebrews enough oil to light the Temple lamp for the total eight days and returns to the present with his inimitable coiffure fully intact! 

To which all of the ancient Israelites rejoice in thanks:  "Oh LADEEEESS!!!"

5) The principle of time-lapse photography, not to be invented for thousands of years, becomes reality!   Eight days pass in mere seconds, a paltry amount of oil keeps the lamp lit throughout, and the entire senior class at Jerusalem High misses the prom.

6) The emphasis on miracles is shifted somewhat away from oil to latkes. Heartburn aside, these babies are your true Hanukkah miracles! 

7) You win at dreidel. 

8) God lifts his mighty hand and Parts the Temple Oil, causing it to rush to opposite sides of the vessel within which it is contained, creating a dry and safe passageway directly through the middle of the vessel itself!

What’s the purpose? Well, it certainly did the trick for Passover.


Miracles great and small notwithstanding, maybe we ought to just let Hanukkah be Hanukkah. It may not be Christmas and it may not be Passover and it may not even be your birthday or anniversary, but it is what it is and what it should be. 

A bit of fun and eight nights of light at a time we need it most.

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"Happy Hanukkah, LADEEEESS!!!" 

Scorn Not Will Shakespeare

Da Man!

“To be or not to be? That is the question.”

"I'm going to go with 'not to be.'  Final answer."

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If you recognized the quotation above as from the pen of the immortal Bard of Avon, William Shakespeare, you are indeed correct, sir. If on the other hand, you identified it as a quote from the pen of, say, Henry Miller, don’t ever think of going on Jeopardy. Or Millionaire.

William Shakespeare, the immortal Bard, is recognized as the greatest playwright and poet the English language has ever known! Actually that sounds more impressive than it actually is. The English language has always been pretty much of a loner who frankly never knew all that many people, let alone hoity-toity poets and playwrights.

So you’d have to have gone to a birthday party for the English language to see if anybody showed up who was serious competition for Shakespeare. Did the English language even know Henry Miller?

Still, we can all agree that this Shakespeare guy was pretty good. In his scant 52 years of life, he authored some of the world’s greatest plays: Hamlet, Romeo and Juliet, Othello …. umm, umm …. did I mention Hamlet?

Of course, he had the occasional clunker. How many of you have ever gone to a high school production of Timon of Athens? Known by scholars worldwide as “Shakespeare’s MacGruber,” Timon of Athens has the distinction of being the only Shakespearean work ever made into a movie by Ed Wood --- that is, after he renamed it Plan 9 from Outer Space. (Note: There is some historical evidence this was in fact Shakespeare’s working title.)

But pay it no heed. To honor the man himself, we bring you a passel of passages (actually only two) from his most rib ticklin’ o’ works. So scorn not Will Shakespeare.

In fact, please give it up for him!


Hath not a Jew Eyes
From The Merchant of Venice, Act III, Scene I.
As spoken by Shylock the Jew.
(Yeah, I know. This was not particularly good for the Jews.)

“Hath not a Jew eyes?” ~ I hath, but they’re sunken and deep set and badly in need of an eye job.

“Hath not a Jew hands, organs, dimensions, senses, affections, passions?” ~ I hath at least 2 out of 6!

“Fed with the same food, hurt with the same weapons?” ~ Between the two of these,  I'd go with the one where you get corned beef.

“Subject to the same diseases?” ~ And me even more so, because I’m a hypochondriac!

“Healed by the same means?” ~ You mean you go to Dr. Schwartzman too?

“Warmed and cooled by the same winter and summer?” ~ Yeah, true, but we’re probably not vacationing at the same spots.

“If you prick us, do we not bleed?” ~ That's okay, no need to prick me to check this out.  Hey, don't you prick me, you prick!

“If you tickle us, do we not laugh?” ~ Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Oh you great big crazy gentile cutie pie, stop it!!

“If you poison us, do we not die?” ~ Again, really appreciate your offer but no demonstration necessary!

“And if you wrong us, shall we not revenge?” ~ You betcha! Meet my good friend Mel Hirschman, Head of the Gentile Auditing Division of the United States Internal Revenue Service! Got a desk for him to work at?

Various and Sundry from Caesar
From Julius Caesar, roaming at random.
As spoken by Caesar and Mark Antony. Mark them well!

"Let me have men about me that are fat." ~ Governor Chris Christie? I said 'men who are fat,' not the great globe itself!

"Yon Cassius has a lean and hungry look." ~  Yon Cassius hath no doubt just come from either Olive Garden or Applebee's.  No wonder he's starved!

“Et tu, Brute?" ~ Well, Brutus, you sure as hell can forget about those Phillies tickets I promised!”

"O, pardon me, thou bleeding piece of earth ..." ~  Bleeding piece of earth? You might want to think about changing gardeners.

"And Caesar's spirit ranging for revenge, with Ate by his side come hot from Hell!" ~  Ate by his side? Actually we're thinking Ate might get his own show instead of staying on as Caesar's sidekick. 
  
"Friends, Romans, and Countrymen, lend me your ears!” ~ I promise to give them back but not before sticking them in my mouth, just like when I borrow a pencil.

“Did this in Caesar seem ambitious? Ambition should be made of sterner stuff.” ~ And in fact, right now, we’re showing marvelous results with Teflon!

“This was the noblest Roman of them all!” ~ But the one and only Chairman of the Board, ladies and gentleman, is still .... MR. FRANK SINATRA! 

And that's it! I hope you’ve enjoyed getting up close and personal with the immortal Bard of Avon.

Frankly, the guy’s one hell of a straight man!

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