Only one day after his surprise firing of James Comey as head of the Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI), President Donald Trump has already announced his pick for Mr. Comey's replacement as Director of the nation’s foremost domestic law enforcement agency.
"I am very pleased to announce today," said Mr. Trump at a special Rose Garden ceremony, "that after a bigly search I have selected as the new head of the Federal Bureau of Investigation Inspector Jacques Clouseau, formerly of the French Surete. We are indeed fortunate to have secured the services of such a renowned law enforcement officer."
Inspector Clouseau is indeed well known throughout investigational circles for his unique brand of ineptitude and incompetence. His official biography (on Wikipedia) lists his many achievements in law enforcement as falling down stairs, getting his hand caught in a medieval knight's gauntlet and a vase, knocking a witness senseless, destroying a priceless piano, and accidentally shooting another officer.
"Inspector Clouseau is just the man we need to lead the FBI into a new era of compliance and cooperation with the White House,” commented Mr. Trump “and to follow up fully and aggressively on the phony investigation into the non-existent ties between Russia and the Trump campaign, which is a total hoax, and take it wherever it goes, namely to the ash heap.”
Inspector Mr. Clouseau was notably absent for the Rose Garden ceremony which was not unexpected since he is a fictional character. Unaware of this fact at the time he selected Inspector Clouseau, Mr. Trump has since been fully briefed on the subject by Eric Trump, his dumbest male child.
"So much the better,” the President was reported to have said, according to the Washington Post.