The Course Guide to Trump University of Fake History

Trump University of

 Fake History
Course Guide

Why study fake history?

Anybody can study actual history if they want to spend time reading!  But what’s the point of  staring at all those dizzying words if the best you can do for yourself is wind up some loser who knows that the dude buried in Grant's tomb has an unpronounceable first name starting with "U?"

I’m rich, folks!  I’m really rich!  And I think the dude buried in Grant’s Tomb is Cary! So what have you got to lose?  

All the professors at Trump University of Fake History are hand-picked by me. Some female professors are also hand-pulled by me.  

Our course offerings for fall 2017 are as follows:

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Russia: Terrific Country, Terrific Bunch of People

Instructors: Dr. Carter Page and Dr. Sergey Kislyak. 

Take a tremendous tour of a nation that's twice as large as the USA and filled from sea to landlocked land mass with a great bunch of people, amazing people! Give a huge hello to Boris Godunov, named for a character from the old Rocky and Bullwinkle Show, saddle up with Catherine the Great, and meet Czars and Czarinas who couldn't be keener. Serf's up, folks, this course puts the Putin in Rasputin! 

A History of the Jews

Instructor: Jared Kushner (taught in mime)

A sweeping history of this remarkable people from their founding by Abraham to their liberation by Moses to the discovery of money by all the rest of them. Prominent Jewish leaders are studied including Carl Icahn, Gary Cohn, Rod Rosenstein, Mr. Goldman, Mr. Sachs, and the smoking hot Jewess Ivanka Trump.

The First Crusade
Instructor: General Michael Flynn

The original and the still the greatest.  When Pope Urban called upon Christians to retake the Holy Land for purposes of Urban Renewal, Crusaders converged upon Jerusalem and applied for visas. But the Muslims' vetting process was a joke - a total disaster - and Crusaders poured into the country and  moved the Israeli embassy from Tel Aviv to Jerusalem. 

The American Civil Rights Movement

Instructor: Alexander T. Wentworth III

For almost 100 years since the founding of the United States it was legal in the nation for one man to own another man. Thanks to former President Andrew Jackson who lived to be 94 years old, it still is. Could there be an American Civil Rights movement in our future? Guest lecturers include Dr. Ben Carson, a number of very worried white guys, and Frederick Douglass, who is now 199 years old. 

Legacy of the American Revolution

Instructor: Eric "Doris Kearns Goodwin" Trump

You know the names:  Jefferson, Hamilton, Franklin, and Adams --- traitors all!  Thank God they were each hanged and proper autocratic rule restored by King George the … the ... some Roman numeral or other! And it’s a good thing Nathan Hale only had one life to lose for his country because 9 or 10 of them could have fucked up everything. 

The Wonderful World of Shakespeare

Instructor: Hamlet Queeg

“Ahh, but the strawberries that's where I had them. They laughed at me and made jokes but I proved beyond the shadow of a doubt and with geometric logic that a duplicate key to the wardroom icebox did exist and …”

Not certain that’s Shakespeare, but it sounds like somebody I know. 

Pinup Strongmen of World War II

Instructor: V. Putin

Aside from the Holocaust and the brutal starvation and deaths of countless millions throughout the world, WW II wasn’t all bad. Wartime featured an amazing array of powerful strutting strong men who ruled with an iron fist and took no shit. Imagine them all joining me on the veranda at Mar-a-Lago, each  of us topless, tanned, and oiled up from head to toe! Winning! 

Foundations of Western Civilization

Instructor: Donald Trump

An in depth analysis of the scope of European history focusing on events and ideas that have shaped modern notions of western civilization from the birth of democracy in ancient Greece to the rise and fall of the Roman Empire and ensuing Christianization of Europe to the Medieval World and the cultural and spiritual rebirths of the Renaissance and Reformation.
  

What? You thought I was a dumbass at everything?

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Jared Kushner Will Work It Out

Stating that “this is definitely a win for me, which is so important, so important,” President Donald Trump stood between Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu and President Mahmoud Abbas of the Palestinian National Authority as they signed a historic peace treaty ending 70 years of conflict.

Following in the traditions of the American Health Care Act, the peace accord contains no details whatsoever.  It does include the words “Jared Kushner will work it out.”

“We know Mr. Kushner will do a great job finishing up the agreement,” said a glowing Mr. Abbas, “which will certainly put an end to settlements, locate the Palestinian capital in Jerusalem proper, and provide repatriation and reparations for all Palestinians driven from their homes at the time of the founding the illegitimate Israeli state.”

“We know Mr. Kushner will do a great job finishing up the agreement,” said a glowing Mr. Netanyahu, “which will certainly provide for a huge expansion of settlements, locate the Palestinian capital in some shitty little town in the West Bank, and resettle Palestinians who voluntarily fled Israeli when we Jews returned to our rightful homeland on some crappy little island in the Pacific." 

Both sides expressed extreme confidence in Mr. Kushner, who has never spoken a word since he was eight. 

"When he does speak I'm sure what he says will be profound," said Mr. Netanyahu, "because why else would President Ivanka Trump have married him?”

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Trump Attacks Immigrant Nordstrom Founder

President Trump lashed out today at Nordstrom’s for dropping his daughter Ivanka’s clothing and accessories line, placing the blame squarely on immigration to the United States.

"It was all the fault of an 1887 immigrant to the United States named John W. Nordstrom!" said Trump. 

“Had there been a ban back then on immigrants into the United States from the outlaw nations of Iraq, Somalia, Iran, Libya, Sudan, Syria, Yemen, and Sweden, “Ivanka would not have been treated as horribly as she has been by Nordstrom’s because Nordstrom's would have been a true-blue American store like Armstrong's or Trump's!"

“Instead, bad actors like John Nordstrom flooded into the United States, made fortunes through hard work instead of by inheriting them, and founded department stores for the express purpose of committing acts of terror against beautiful and sexy owners of fine clothing and accessory lines like my daughter Ivanka!  

BAD!

"If they had had Donald J. Trump Extreme Vetting back then," added Trump, "a dishonest loser like Nordstrom would have been exposed and returned to Sweden to found Ikea."

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