Monday, May 29, 2017

Tamping Down Trump's Tweets

"Good very very early morning, Mr. Trump! I'm Ernest Kropotkin, and I'm here to help you with your Twitter Account."

"I don't need any help. I know more about Twitter than the Kardashians!  My Twitter Account is the No.1 most followed Twitter Account in the world!"

"Actually, Mr. Trump - not to fact check you - but that's false. You're not even in the top 25."

"What do you want, Mr. Kropotkin?"

"I've been sent to help you present a more positive image with your tweets. Look, I've revised a few you've just posted. Here's the first:

Just returned from Europe. Trip was a great success for America. Hard work but big results!

And this is how I've revised it, Mr. Trump:

 Just flew in from Europe and boy are my arms tired! 

"What?!!!  Where's my bullying scowl?! Where's my orange hair?! What is that I'm holding? A tiny human being?"

"That's called a baby, Mr. Trump."

"That picture is as creepy as my son Eric!"

"I'm trying to humanize you, Mr. Trump."

"Hey, why don't you use a picture of Ivanka about 16 years old looking hot and curvy and sitting in my eager lap? That wouldn't be creepy at all!"

"What do you think of the tweet, Mr. Trump?"  

"Oh, it's a great joke! You know I wrote that joke! About the same time I created the expression prime the pump." 

"Here I've revised the second part of your tweet:

"Why would I tweet that?!  Are you going to have me apologize to that loser from Montenegro next for getting in the way of my preening?"

"I'm trying to humanize you, Mr. Trump."

"I'm the most human person you'll ever meet in your entire life!"

"Here's one more of your tweets I've revised. First the original:
8 hours ago

 The Fake News Media works hard at disparaging & demeaning my use of social media because they don't want America to hear the real story!

 ..... and as I've slightly massaged it."

There is no Fake News Media.Though I have issues with the news media, I honor the Ladies and Gentlemen of the Press in their efforts to ensure America hears the real story.
"No! I would never tweet anything like that! For me to put something like that out on Twitter, I'd need Vladimir Putin's approval!"
"Mr. Trump, who do you think sent me?"
"Of course. Even he's trying to humanize you, Mr. Trump!"


Perry Block said...

Sure, I'll take a look. I don't actually have a list of favorite blogs, but maybe I'll start one! And keep on slamming the Baby-in-Chief. Sure, we're preaching to the choir but every little bit keeps him from being normalized until we can finally get the fuck rid of him.

Subroto said...

He has only just begun. Just wait when he is in his stupendous second stint (well you guys voted GWB in twice so I expect y'all will do the same for Agent Orange).

Russell said...

I love Subroto referring to him as Agent Orange. The only reason I can think of that Trump would be holding a baby is if he were at an alligator feeding pit and wanted to put on a public display for animal rights activists of how much he loves reptiles.

Now, if I can only prove I'm not a robot . . .

Perry Block said...

Second stint, Subroto? I expect him out before Sukkot! Yes, we'll have President Pence instead which may not be terrific but at least he's not a full-blown psychopath and his name is fun to say because it alliterates. Just tap your shoes three times and say "I believe ... I believe ... I believe .."

Perry Block said...

Steve Bannon and Corey Lewandowski are proof enough he loves reptiles. And I know you are a robot because my comment section cards you every time you post a comment. I even know your smelting factory of origin.