Tamping Down Trump's Tweets

"Good very very early morning, Mr. Trump! I'm Ernest Kropotkin, and I'm here to help you with your Twitter Account."

"I don't need any help. I know more about Twitter than the Kardashians!  My Twitter Account is the No.1 most followed Twitter Account in the world!"

"Actually, Mr. Trump - not to fact check you - but that's false. You're not even in the top 25."

"What do you want, Mr. Kropotkin?"

"I've been sent to help you present a more positive image with your tweets. Look, I've revised a few you've just posted. Here's the first:

Donald J. Trump‏Verified account @realDonaldTrump9 hours ago

Just returned from Europe. Trip was a great success for America. Hard work but big results!

And this is how I've revised it, Mr. Trump:

Donald J. Trump‏Verified account @realDonaldTrump

 Just flew in from Europe and boy are my arms tired! 

"What?!!!  Where's my bullying scowl?! Where's my orange hair?! What is that I'm holding? A tiny human being?"

"That's called a baby, Mr. Trump."

"That picture is as creepy as my son Eric!"

"I'm trying to humanize you, Mr. Trump."

"Hey, why don't you use a picture of Ivanka about 16 years old looking hot and curvy and sitting in my eager lap? That wouldn't be creepy at all!"

"What do you think of the tweet, Mr. Trump?"  

"Oh, it's a great joke! You know I wrote that joke! About the same time I created the expression prime the pump." 

"Here I've revised the second part of your tweet:

Donald J. Trump @realDonaldTrump

 Sorry I made an asshole out of myself at NATO.  Hell, who am I to talk about  anyone not paying bills, I never pay mine either!

"Why would I tweet that?!  Are you going to have me apologize to that loser from Montenegro next for getting in the way of my preening?"

"I'm trying to humanize you, Mr. Trump."

"I'm the most human person you'll ever meet in your entire life!"

"Here's one more of your tweets I've revised. First the original:
8 hours ago

More

Verified accountDonald J. Trump‏ @realDonaldTrump
 The Fake News Media works hard at disparaging & demeaning my use of social media because they don't want America to hear the real story!

 ..... and as I've slightly massaged it."

Donald J. Trump‏Verified account @realDonaldTrump 9 hours ago

There is no Fake News Media.Though I have issues with the news media, I honor the Ladies and Gentlemen of the Press in their efforts to ensure America hears the real story.

"No! I would never tweet anything like that! For me to put something like that out on Twitter, I'd need Vladimir Putin's approval!"
"Mr. Trump, who do you think sent me?"
"Putin?"
"Of course. Even he's trying to humanize you, Mr. Trump!"
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The Top Ten Signs You Need To Cool It On Twitter

Once it seemed like you were made for each other, you and Twitter.

Yes, Twitter brought you your own little window on the world in 140 characters or less. Suddenly obscure little you became a major league player in the worlds of politics, world affairs, entertainment, and looking at mangy cats. You mixed and mingled with interesting and exotic people from around the world who, were they to have met you in person, would never have deigned to mix and mingle with obscure little you at all.  

But gradually there have come to be issues. Every time you receive an RT you do a victory lap around the room and high five your stuffed bear. You send birthday presents to everyone you are following on Twitter including @KimJongUnDude. Lately as you spend even more and more time on Twitter, you need to be regularly re-introduced to those two diminutive people who live in your house named Kristin and Timmy.

It is close to the breaking point.  Here are:

The Top Ten Signs You Need To Cool It On Twitter 

10) That huge emoji overhead when you go outside?  That's the sun, asshole!

9) You follow everyone that Twitter recommends you follow even if their profiles include the words "Proud Craigslist Stalker," "Conspiracy Theorist Who Believes You Killed John F. Kennedy,"or "Republican."

8) You named your first born son "Woot!"

7) You are convinced that Kim Kardashian is tweeting just for you!

6) You frequently use the hashtag #HELPMEOMGPLEASEHELPME!

5) Can't get enough dick jokes even if they're just about a guy named Dick.

4) You follow that idiot @PerryBlock.

3) You are fuming that you flunked the tryouts for Team Follow Back.

2)You type LOL after every one of your tweets, even if they're about economic infrastructure and agrarian land reform.

And the Number One Sign You Need To Cool It On Twitter,

1) You're so busy with Twitter that when someone mentions pornography you say "Porn?  Is that on the web too?"

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Fare Thee Well, We Tweet

It's true. Whenever a celebrity or dignitary wishes to express his condolences, grief, or appreciation regarding a colleague or friend who has passed away anymore, he or she does it via Twitter.

Many of us, however, remember a time when people had to come forward and appear in public to express their feelings upon the death of someone who mattered to them. In those days you actually saw and felt true emotion and the impact of loss.

It's kind of not the same when bereaved individuals can tweet how upset they are while sitting on the crapper. And frankly, the rather childish word “tweet” doesn't have sufficient gravity to convey emotions as serious and important as grief and sorrow.  If you can tweet your grief, shouldn't you also be able to twinkle your condolences or bebop your angst?  

Apparently in the very near future, you can.

Former Secretary of State
 Harry Truckman Dies
Obituary - March 23, 2018

It was announced today that Former Secretary of State Harry S. Truckman, who served three United States Presidents and is credited with being the first Secretary of State to successfully locate Burkina Faso on the map, has died.

"I am greatly saddened by the death of my dear friend Harry Truckman," President Donald Trump merrymounted today on the social network Merrymount. "All of us owe Harry Truckman a great debt for his stellar service to the nation," President Trump additionally tweeted as well as flamboozled on Flamboozle. 

Praise for Harry Truckman was tweeted, merrymounted, and flamboozled from round the world.   "Michelle, Malia, Sasha, and I are truly distraught over the passing of our friend Harry," flamboozled former President Barack Obama, with whom Mr. Truckman also served.

"He was a man of faith and principle,” deedled Pope Francis on the official Vatican social network Deedledop, and Queen Elizabeth flamboozled, merrymounted, tweeted, and deedled her condolences as well.

It was Mr. Truckman's widow, Mrs. Mary Truckman, however, who best summed up the feelings of the nation Harry Truckman loved:

"There will never come another like him this way again," Mrs. Truckman gigglefarted on Gigglefart. 

Truer words were never gigglefarted.

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This post is a re-working of an earlier version of Fare Thee Well, We Tweet to remove some relatively stale social references.  The subject manner, however, remains as fresh as the day it was written!

As does its lack of popularity with readers.