The Course Guide to Trump University of Fake History

Trump University of

 Fake History
Course Guide

Why study fake history?

Anybody can study actual history if they want to spend time reading!  But what’s the point of  staring at all those dizzying words if the best you can do for yourself is wind up some loser who knows that the dude buried in Grant's tomb has an unpronounceable first name starting with "U?"

I’m rich, folks!  I’m really rich!  And I think the dude buried in Grant’s Tomb is Cary! So what have you got to lose?  

All the professors at Trump University of Fake History are hand-picked by me. Some female professors are also hand-pulled by me.  

Our course offerings for fall 2017 are as follows:

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Russia: Terrific Country, Terrific Bunch of People

Instructors: Dr. Carter Page and Dr. Sergey Kislyak. 

Take a tremendous tour of a nation that's twice as large as the USA and filled from sea to landlocked land mass with a great bunch of people, amazing people! Give a huge hello to Boris Godunov, named for a character from the old Rocky and Bullwinkle Show, saddle up with Catherine the Great, and meet Czars and Czarinas who couldn't be keener. Serf's up, folks, this course puts the Putin in Rasputin! 

A History of the Jews

Instructor: Jared Kushner (taught in mime)

A sweeping history of this remarkable people from their founding by Abraham to their liberation by Moses to the discovery of money by all the rest of them. Prominent Jewish leaders are studied including Carl Icahn, Gary Cohn, Rod Rosenstein, Mr. Goldman, Mr. Sachs, and the smoking hot Jewess Ivanka Trump.

The First Crusade
Instructor: General Michael Flynn

The original and the still the greatest.  When Pope Urban called upon Christians to retake the Holy Land for purposes of Urban Renewal, Crusaders converged upon Jerusalem and applied for visas. But the Muslims' vetting process was a joke - a total disaster - and Crusaders poured into the country and  moved the Israeli embassy from Tel Aviv to Jerusalem. 

The American Civil Rights Movement

Instructor: Alexander T. Wentworth III

For almost 100 years since the founding of the United States it was legal in the nation for one man to own another man. Thanks to former President Andrew Jackson who lived to be 94 years old, it still is. Could there be an American Civil Rights movement in our future? Guest lecturers include Dr. Ben Carson, a number of very worried white guys, and Frederick Douglass, who is now 199 years old. 

Legacy of the American Revolution

Instructor: Eric "Doris Kearns Goodwin" Trump

You know the names:  Jefferson, Hamilton, Franklin, and Adams --- traitors all!  Thank God they were each hanged and proper autocratic rule restored by King George the … the ... some Roman numeral or other! And it’s a good thing Nathan Hale only had one life to lose for his country because 9 or 10 of them could have fucked up everything. 

The Wonderful World of Shakespeare

Instructor: Hamlet Queeg

“Ahh, but the strawberries that's where I had them. They laughed at me and made jokes but I proved beyond the shadow of a doubt and with geometric logic that a duplicate key to the wardroom icebox did exist and …”

Not certain that’s Shakespeare, but it sounds like somebody I know. 

Pinup Strongmen of World War II

Instructor: V. Putin

Aside from the Holocaust and the brutal starvation and deaths of countless millions throughout the world, WW II wasn’t all bad. Wartime featured an amazing array of powerful strutting strong men who ruled with an iron fist and took no shit. Imagine them all joining me on the veranda at Mar-a-Lago, each  of us topless, tanned, and oiled up from head to toe! Winning! 

Foundations of Western Civilization

Instructor: Donald Trump

An in depth analysis of the scope of European history focusing on events and ideas that have shaped modern notions of western civilization from the birth of democracy in ancient Greece to the rise and fall of the Roman Empire and ensuing Christianization of Europe to the Medieval World and the cultural and spiritual rebirths of the Renaissance and Reformation.
  

What? You thought I was a dumbass at everything?

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President Andy Says Goodbye

My fellow Americans, as I reach the end of my second term of office as the Seventh President of the United States, it is time now that I - Andrew Jackson - take my leave of all of you.

You are a great group of people!  Really terrific people!  So important.

I have to tell you, though, that I'm really angry because I see what is happening in our great country. And if I were to have been here a little later, 24 years later to be exact, you wouldn't have had --- Spoiler Alert --- the Civil War!

There would have been no reason for it.  I have a secret plan which would have stopped the Civil War and stopped it fast! It would have stopped it so fast your head would have spun!  You would have gotten sick of your head spinning.

Trust me, I know more about the Civil War than the slaveholders.  I know more about the Civil War than the abolitionists.  I know more about the Civil War than Ken Burns, whoever he is!

Friends, saying goodbye is very emotional for me.  I’m a tough person but I have a big heart. If I get started crying, it may turn into a trail of tears. Bad!

And now before I take my leave I’d like to share with all of you terrific people this delicious chocolate cake that was made at the Hermitage, the Southern White House, by my over 150 slaves. Even if you live to be 257, this will be the most beautiful piece of chocolate cake you've ever seen!

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Trump's Actual Dumbass Quote - May 1, 2017

"I mean, had Andrew Jackson been a little later, you wouldn't have had the Civil War. He was a very tough person, but he had a big heart. And he was really angry that -- he saw what was happening with regard to the Civil War. He said, “There's no reason for this.” People don't realize, you know, the Civil War — if you think about it, why? People don't ask that question, but why was there the Civil War? Why could that one not have been worked out?"  

Easier Trumped Than Done

  

“This is more work than in my previous life,” said Trump in an interview yesterday. “I thought it would be easier.”

Really?

Thought it would be easier to be President of the United States and leader of the Free World than running a reality show? That’s like expecting it to be easier to lead your team to consecutive Super Bowl victories than to purchase Madden 18 and successfully install it before your 2:30 PM nap.

Oddly enough, however, Trump is not the first President to make similar comments about the unexpected difficulties of the job of being President of the United States....

“This is more work than in my previous life,” said George Washington in an interview yesterday. “I thought it would be easier.  I’ve been so busy of late I haven’t had a moment’s time for proper dental care!”

“This is more work than in my previous life,” said Thomas Jefferson in an interview yesterday. “I thought it would be easier.  If only someone would make The Declaration of Independence into a musical, I could make some dough and get out of here! How do you like Well, I Declare! as a title?"  

“This is more work than in my previous life,” said Andrew Jackson in an interview yesterday. “I thought it would be easier. At least that idiot President two centuries from now appreciates me!”

“This is more work than in my previous life,” said Abraham Lincoln in an interview yesterday. “I thought it would be easier.  I thought all I’d have to do is grow some whiskers, bind up the nation’s wounds, and then take in some really great off Broadway theater!”

“This is more work than in my previous life,” said Theodore Roosevelt in an interview yesterday. “I thought it would be easier. Lemme see now: Speak Bigly and Carry a Soft Stick.’ Ahh, shit, I’ll never get that right!”  

“This is more work than in my previous life,” said Barack Obama in an interview yesterday. “I thought it would be easier. One day as President of the United States is like two as a Community Organizer! Maybe three, if the community is in Texas.”

And …

“This is more work than in my previous life,” said the Lord God in an interview yesterday. “I thought it would be easier. Here it’s been 100 days already and I haven’t yet been able to remove that lame ass Trump from being President!”

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On the whole, guys, it's a hell of a lot

 easier to be here than President!