Trump at the Speed of Light

Donald Trump is ruining my second act as a humor writer!

How can that be so?  After all, the guy provides more material than a rash of bankruptcies in the Garment District. He's vastly comical in his ignorance, ineptness, stupidity, and even in his potentially ham-handed betrayal of the United States.

But lately his fuck-ups, gaffes, deceptions, lies, and the consequences thereof have been coming at such warp speed that to calculate the proper timing for a Trump parody you'd have to be Neil deGrasse Tyson! 

I'd just completed a hilarious piece about Trump saying that Andrew Jackson would have prevented the War of 1812 if only he wasn't so busy fighting in it, and I was about to send it to McSweeney's Internet Tendency, the holy grail of hip humor, when ....

Oh, shit!  Trump just fired James Comey! That makes the Jackson piece as stale as the jokes in a 90's sitcom!  Now what?  Okay, got a new idea: Trump is going to name Inspector Clouseau as Comey's replacement!  Ha, ha, ha! Gonna send that right over to .... 

Fuck!  Trump just invited the Russians into the Oval Office and gave away highly confidential intel!  The Clouseau piece is now so out-of-date if it were a person it would be wearing bell bottoms. Okay, new idea: Trump brags that "I'm the best traitor! Nobody can sell out America better than me, certainly not the failing Benedict Arnold," and ....

Damn it! And even before I begin writing there’s news a special counsel’s been appointed, Trump called Comey a "nut job," it's a witch hunt, "No politician in history, and I say this with great surety, has been treated worse or more unfairly," and, and, and ...!

There's only one way to deal with Trump at the speed of light. I've got to make my best guess about fuck-ups and falsehoods of the future and write ahead. So if he's in Saudi Arabia right now:

In Israel, Trump tries to bring Israelis and Palestinians together by hosting a pig roast ...When visiting Pope Francis at the Vatican in the heart of St Peter's Square, Trump asks the Pope "so how do you like living in a starter home?"... To complement his prior creation of the term "prime the pump," Trump dazzles world leaders at the G7 by coining the phrases “To be or not to be,” “if at first you don't succeed, try, try again" and "23 skidoo." 

What's that you say?  Trump did what? I didn't write ahead about anything like that!

Donald J. Trump, you are ruining my second act as a humor writer.

And our democracy.

And doing it at the speed of light.

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Trump Taps Clouseau to Lead FBI

Only one day after his surprise firing of James Comey as head of the Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI), President Donald Trump has announced his pick for Mr. Comey's replacement as Director of the nation’s foremost domestic law enforcement agency.

"I am pleased to announce today," said Mr. Trump at a special Rose Garden ceremony, "that I have selected as the new head of the Federal Bureau of Investigation Inspector Jacques Clouseau, formerly of the French Surete. We are indeed fortunate to have secured the services of such a renowned law enforcement officer."

Inspector Clouseau is well known throughout law enforcement circles for his unique brand of ineptitude and incompetence. His Wikipedia entry lists his many achievements as falling down stairs, getting his hand caught in a medieval knight's gauntlet, knocking a witness senseless, destroying a priceless piano, and accidentally shooting another officer.   

"Inspector Clouseau is just the man we need to follow up fully and aggressively on the phony investigation into the non-existent ties between Russia and the Trump campaign, which is a total hoax," commented Mr. Trump, "and take it wherever it goes, namely to the ash heap.” 

Inspector Mr. Clouseau was notably absent for the Rose Garden ceremony which was not unexpected since he is a fictional character.  Unaware of this fact at the time he selected Inspector Clouseau, Mr. Trump has since been fully briefed on the subject by Eric Trump, his dumbest male child. 

"So much the better,” the President was reported to have said, according to the Washington Post.

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