If the Lone Ranger had a Jewish Faithful Friend, or Hi-Ho Hyman Silvers!

Like every child of the fifties, I returned to those thrilling days of yesterday whenever I heard:

“A fiery horse at the speed of light, a cloud of dust, and a hearty Hi-ho Silver! The Lone Ranger!”

But things have not gone so well for the Lone Ranger since then.

A few years ago, the Ranger's long-time Faithful Friend Tonto walked out on him - claiming he wanted to do a "single" - and began dating Cher. The Masked Man hastily started interviewing for a new Faithful Friend.

Then the bombshell that rocked the nation:  

 The Ranger was refusing to interview anyone who wasn’t wearing feathers! 

The Equal Employment Opportunity Commission (EEOC) swiftly intervened and the Masked Man agreed to embrace diversity and reach out to white guys.  

And now, we children of the fifties may once again return to those thrilling days of yesteryear whenever we hear:

"A fiery horse at the speed of light, a cloud of dust, and a hearty Hi-ho Hyman Silvers! The Lone Ranger!"  

 The Ranger hired 57-year-old Hyman Silvers, an accountant from Queens NY, as the new Faithful Friend. Mr. Silvers had done well in the personal interview, making the Ranger laugh when he answered the question "Where do you see yourself in five years?" with “Buried deep within the arms of a young shikseh, Mr. Ranger."

 At first there were problems along the trail.

“This is where we go to the bath room, CHHemosabe?” asked Hyman. “A cactus?”

“Just don’t lean into it," said the Lone Ranger. “And that’s kemosabe, not CHHemosabe!”

 “Hyman,” said the Lone Ranger, “help me make camp.”

 "I can't really help you make camp, Lone, but I'll be glad to help you make reservations."

 Ambushed by the Butch Cavendish Gang, the Ranger had to make a run for it, calling out “Faithful Friend, cover me!” 

 “Here’s 15 bucks, Lone,” said Hyman. “Does that cover you?”

 Gradually Hyman Silvers developed into a worthy Faithful Friend, trusted and appreciated by the Lone Ranger himself.

“Hyman has introduced me to some delicious grub called herring,” beamed the Ranger, “and he knows so many great jokes about guys in the garment district named Ginsberg!”

“Plus he came up with idea of my ditching this idiotic mask! I don’t have a secret identity and this mask does nothing but get people shooting at me thinking I’m an outlaw!”

 “That mask is totally farcacta, Lone!” added Hyman Silvers.

“That’s right, Faithful Friend,” agreed the Lone Ranger. 

“Now get the hell out of here and make camp, you schlemiel!"  

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Trivago Way to Go II!

I guess it was inevitable that the smooth"as his beard hair is not" Trivago Guy would eventually be joined by a Trivago Girl.

And in introducing her to the American public the folks at the Trivago Company have not only outdone themselves, they have also outdone almost anybody else who’s ever outdone themselves in the entire art of outdoing.

Why is that?

She’s gorgeous.

She has a unique and affecting Australian accent all her own.

Did you ever hear anyone say “remembah” like she does?

She looks great in a dress and great in a casual top and jeans and great dressed like a lumberjack, as above, and great in a burlap sack should she ever appear in such. She looks great with her hair up and great with her hair down and she’d probably look great with no hair at all.

Yeah. No hair at all. 

Many of us did a double take when we first saw the Trivago Girl on the air.

Does that mean they’ve dumped the Trivago Guy, we wondered?  Watching him eating pancakes and stealing soap of late seemed to indicate that he was on the verge of “jumping the shark,” the term originating from when a water-skiing Fonzie actually jumped a shark on Happy Days indicating the show was fresh out of fresh ideas and about to sink beneath the waves.  

But the Trivago Guy did indeed return and the Trivago Girl and Trivago Guy became a tag team made in commercial heaven. Not only did she charm and entice we men out there in the dark but she also re-energized the Trivago Guy because now we saw him less but in well-coordinated sync with her.

The Trivago people also hit the bullseye when they decided to implement a distaff version of the original Trivago personage who actually possesses a staff. The two of them never appear in the same commercial, so that men and women are able to fantasize freely about sex with each one of them as appropriate without slamming smack dab into the boner killing (and the female version thereof) prospect that the two of them might be into each other rather than us, god forbid!

Meanwhile I have never used Trivago and probably never will.  I don’t go anywhere. But it doesn’t really matter.

Long live the Trivago Girl!

And the Trivago Guy?

We’ll let him stick around a bit longer too.

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I Called George Foreman's Friends at InventHelp

“Good Morning.  This is InventHelp.”

“Good Morning,” I said to the gentleman on the other end of line in return.  “May I please speak to one of the friends of George Foreman?”

“Excuse me, sir?”

“My name is Perry Block and I have an invention that I’d like to speak to one of George Foreman’s friends at InventHelp about.”

“I’m sorry, sir, but I don’t know a George Foreman.”

What?! For months, George Foreman had been telling me regularly on television that if I should need help with a new product idea or invention I should “Call my friends at InventHelp.” And now I had finally put together a contraption I believed some people might find a bit useful, and it seemed George Foreman’s friends were nowhere to be found.

I called my invention the BlockMaster 1000 Time Machine. I’d given it a dry run back to the Renaissance to meet Leonardo Da Vinci, stopped off in 1889 to spike Baby Hitler’s formula, and though you won’t fully understand this reference, isn’t the second President Clinton doing a heck of a good job?

“George Foreman is a famous boxer and celebrity,” I explained to the gentleman on the phone, “and a very likeable trustworthy guy. He’s sort of like the Tom Hanks of Boxing.”

“Fine, sir. But we have many well-trained specialists here at InventHelp who can also help you.”

“No, thanks. I only want to speak to one of the friends of George Foreman.”

“Well, I don’t think we have any here.”

“Really?  Well, do you have any acquaintances of Mr. Foreman there?”

“Probably not, sir.”

“Anyone there who ever got a selfie with him?”

“I doubt it.”

“An autographed picture then maybe?”

“I don’t know how I could check, sir!”

“An autograph on plain paper then? Even one on heavily coffee stained yellow note pad paper which is already smearing?”

“I don’t know, sir!”

“Ah, heck!  I guess you just can’t believe everything you see on television.”

“I’m sorry sir, but we have many InventHelp specialists here to help you.”

“Thanks, but no thanks. It's not that big a deal anyway.”

“Goodbye then, sir.”

“Who was that on the phone, Roger?”

“It was odd. A guy who only wanted to talk to somebody who was a friend of a boxer named George Foreman.”

“George Foreman! I know you’re new here, Roger, but you should know George Foreman does our commercials telling everyone to ‘Call my friends at InventHelp.’”

“I’m sorry, Fred.”

“Did you get the guy’s name?”

“No, I didn’t and our system is down and didn’t record his phone number either.”

“That’s okay, Roger.”

“How come?”

“Most of these inventions don’t amount to a damn thing anyway.”

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Idiot Buys Stupid Gadget That Lets Him Watch TV Channels He Already Receives*

A local area stupid idiot has recently purchased that idiotic gadget they sell on television that enables you to watch the same broadcast television channels that you have always been able to watch for free.  It's difficult to believe anyone could be such a douchebag as to fall for this ludicrous scam.

The television commercial puts forth the ridiculous proposition that there's no need for anyone to purchase cable television because the moronic contraption, which costs twenty hard earned dollars, enables you to enjoy clear crisp reception of the very same broadcast television channels that you already receive in a clear crisp manner unless you are on a spaceship bound for one of those recently discovered seven planets 40 light years away.

"Why pay hundreds of dollars for cable and satellite channels you may never even watch?" says the sleazy pitchman on the television commercial that appeals only to persons of the lowest measurable intelligence quotient (IQ).

"You know he makes a lot of sense," marveled the mental midget just before ordering 6 or 7 of the totally worthless doo-hickeys. "I really miss HBO, Cinemax, Showtime, Starz, and all the other cable channels I used to love," commented the dumb shit, "but like the man on television says I was paying hundreds of dollars for cable and satellite channels I may never even watch, like the Spanish language ones. Now I can watch The Bachelor every week and get crisp clear reception!"

At the time of this posting, the cretin was sitting at home watching Two Broke Girls with a vaguely unsatisfied look on his dumbass face.

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*In the style of The Onion.  No, I didn't say as funny as The Onion, just in the style of!

Trump Furious that Circle Got the Square

"I'll take Jake Tapper to block, Peter." 

For once President Donald Trump was pleased with cable news channel CNN.

"I was delighted that CNN is adopting a Hollywood Squares format," said Trump "even though the CNN panels look different those on the original show with the great Peter Marshall."

But then Trump picked Paul Begala in the Center Square to win.

"When Paul Begala was asked true or false 'The decision on Trump's immigration ban was the worst legal decision in history' and he answered 'False' and host Anderson Cooper agreed, I knew the answers were coming straight from the failing New York Times!"

"I should have gotten my circle in the square to win the game. Terrible!  Dumb!" 

“Then I picked Gloria Borger to block," added Trump "and she was asked true or false 'there were millions of fraudulent and illegal votes against Donald Trump in the last election' and she said 'False' and Anderson Cooper agreed.

The real Hollywood Squares never lied to the American people like that!

"Where are Charley Weaver and Paul Lynde when you need them?" 

~~~~~~~~~~ 

Trump Jam!

Note:  This is a very silly post.
  Not recommended for those who are not Bugs Bunny fans.
 Or for the most part, anyone else.)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The long awaited pairing of two great American icons!
Donald Trump        Bugs Bunny
   in

TRUMP JAM!

The fun-filled story of a Presidential campaign pitting a free-spirited bunny against a mean-spirited bully!

Debate One:  You're the Puppet 
(Based on this classic Bugs/Daffy bit) 

Trump: You're the puppet!

Bugs: No, you're the puppet!

Trump: No, you're the puppet!

Bugs: No, you're the puppet!

Trump: No, you're the puppet!

Bugs:  No, I'm the puppet!

Trump: No, I'm the puppet!

  

Bugs:  No, I'm the puppet!

Trump:  No, I'm the puppet!

Bugs: No, I'm the puppet!

Trump:  No, I'm the puppet!  I'm absolutely positively the puppet! 

Bugs: Okay, Doc, have it your way.  You're the puppet.

Trump:  Well, thank you, Bugs.  I am the puppet for sure, because I don't know shit and  ..... wait a minute OOOOOOOOOHHHHHHH!!!

SMOOOOOOOOCH!!!!

Bugs: Of course you know this means war! 

Debate Two: His Darling Daughter

Trump: I'm building a wall and the Mexicans are going to pay for it.

Bugs: You won't even get Salma Hayek to chip in for it.

Trump:  I'm bringing back jobs to America!  

Bugs: The only jobs you're bringing back to America are the kind that leave tooth marks on  your pecker.  I wonder, Doc, do you at all know the difference between truth and lies? 

Trump:  All truth is relative. And while we're talking about relatives, have you seen my daughter?  She's really hot!

Bugs:  I know, Doc. Your daughter's pussy's been grabbed more times than a shortstop's crotch!

Trump: OOOOOOOOOHHHHHHH, YOU WASCALLY WABBIT!!! 

Bugs:  What a maroon! 

Debate Three: Keep America Safe

Trump: I know more about ISIS than the Generals!  

Bugs: Yeah, that's a set of General Tires.

Trump: Did you know I have all the best words because I went to Wharton?

Bugs: What does "cat" mean?

Trump:  I'll Google it later. I'm busy keeping America safe.

Bugs: What was that, Doc?

Trump: Keeping America safe! 

Bugs:  I didn't hear that. What are you gonna keep America?

Trump: Safe! Safe! I said Safe!!! 

Bugs: That's what I thought you said!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Acme Safe Company

!!!!SMASH!!!!!  

**cuckoo**   **cuckoo**

**cuckoo****cuckoo**

Bugs:  Ain't I a stinker?

Election Night

Wolf Blitzer: That's it, folks, Bugs Bunny has swept the electoral vote, the popular vote, and the Chachi/Duck Dynasty vote.  The next President of the United States is Bugs Bunny!

Bugs: Gosh, thanks, Doc.  Any carrots come with that?

Trump:  So unfair!  The whole thing is rigged. The election's been fixed!

Bugs: Did you say fixed, Doc?

Trump:  Right!  I said FIXED!

Bugs:  Fixed I can take care of right now.  Too bad they didn't do it to your father 71 years ago.

SNIP!!!

Trump: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!HHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! 

Bugs:  What an ignor-a-mus!


Well, that's our picture, folks.  Make sure and come visit me at the White House if ever you're in town. We can discuss infrastructure development and border security and I'll have my man Trump whip you up a nice souffle. 

Hey, Trump, where are you?  Do I have to lock you up? Where is that Loony Tune anyway?   

That's all Folks!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`

If you liked this post you might also like like  Scientists Hail Discovery of "Trump is an Asshole" Gene, Donald J. Trump's Guide to Sexual Harassment, and The Most Disliked Nominees in History. If you hated this post, I hope your daughter marries Rudy Giuliani and they have a daughter who looks just like him who lives in your basement until she's 40! 

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(Sorry for the lame special effects, especially the dropping of the safe, but that's the best I can do. And once again, that's all, folks!)

You Mean to Tell Me I'm Typecast Forever as the Actor in the Actor Portrayal who has Gout?

Look, Sammy, I know you've been my agent for almost 15 years now, and, yes, you've done an awesome job!  

You got me that series with Paul Reiser and Steve Guttenberg about two Jews running a farm, Hebrew Hoe-Down, and I loved playing the wise-cracking Amish neighbor. And I was truly devastated when the show was cancelled in the middle of the second episode.

But, Sammy, in the last five years all you've gotten me is the actor portrayal of the guy with gout whose life is turned around after he asks his doctor about Jobomin!  All I ever get to say is "With Jobomin, Gout is Gone!"

What do you mean "get used to it?" Why?

You mean to tell me I'm typecast forever as the actor in the actor portrayal who has gout?

But I am an act-or, Sammy! I can act any disease you want including a full range of phobias, especially fear of being an unemployed actor!  

What's that?  Nobody will accept me in any other role ever again? People will lose faith in Jobomin if they see me playing golf with Arnold Palmer or singing “tomorrow, tomorrow, I love ya, tomorrow?” with my last dying gasp to a baby? 

How do you know this? All those actors tried it, you say? Took roles unrelated to their actor portrayals, you say?  Out of the business now, you say? 

Selling siding, you say?  

  

But I played Hamlet in college!  I electrified them with "To be or not to be!" 

Better get used to electrifying them with "If you can handle the vomiting, sexual dysfunction, and high probability of painful hemmorhoids, Jobomin may be right for you?"

Funny, Sammy!

Hey, I heard there's a Jennifer Love Hewitt project that's ... nobody will ever buy me in a love scene with Jennifer Love Hewitt?  Unless she's comforting me about my gout? Well, how about with somebody flat-chested then?  Damn!

A cop show?  Maybe as a corpse, you say? As long as he had gout?

I can't believe this!  Look, Sammy, I'm not asking for Broadway. I'm not asking you to get me into Hamilton! Umm ... could you get me into Hamilton?

Only if they write in a character who has gout and goes to an 18^th century physician and instead of leaches gets Jobomin?  

This is terrible! I can't spend my life only playing guys who have gout. I can't keep saying over and over "Ask your doctor if Jobomin is right for him, let alone you."

Hey, what if they bring back My Mother the Car?

As the radiator, you say?  And no gout necessary?

Well, one can always hope.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~