I Called George Foreman's Friends at InventHelp

“Good Morning.  This is InventHelp.”

“Good Morning,” I said to the gentleman on the other end of line in return.  “May I please speak to one of the friends of George Foreman?”

“Excuse me, sir?”

“My name is Perry Block and I have an invention that I’d like to speak to one of George Foreman’s friends at InventHelp about.”

“I’m sorry, sir, but I don’t know a George Foreman.”

What?! For months, George Foreman had been telling me regularly on television that if I should need help with a new product idea or invention I should “Call my friends at InventHelp.” And now I had finally put together a contraption I believed some people might find a bit useful, and it seemed George Foreman’s friends were nowhere to be found.

I called my invention the BlockMaster 1000 Time Machine. I’d given it a dry run back to the Renaissance to meet Leonardo Da Vinci, stopped off in 1889 to spike Baby Hitler’s formula, and though you won’t fully understand this reference, isn’t the second President Clinton doing a heck of a good job?

“George Foreman is a famous boxer and celebrity,” I explained to the gentleman on the phone, “and a very likeable trustworthy guy. He’s sort of like the Tom Hanks of Boxing.”

“Fine, sir. But we have many well-trained specialists here at InventHelp who can also help you.”

“No, thanks. I only want to speak to one of the friends of George Foreman.”

“Well, I don’t think we have any here.”

“Really?  Well, do you have any acquaintances of Mr. Foreman there?”

“Probably not, sir.”

“Anyone there who ever got a selfie with him?”

“I doubt it.”

“An autographed picture then maybe?”

“I don’t know how I could check, sir!”

“An autograph on plain paper then? Even one on heavily coffee stained yellow note pad paper which is already smearing?”

“I don’t know, sir!”

“Ah, heck!  I guess you just can’t believe everything you see on television.”

“I’m sorry sir, but we have many InventHelp specialists here to help you.”

“Thanks, but no thanks. It's not that big a deal anyway.”

“Goodbye then, sir.”

“Who was that on the phone, Roger?”

“It was odd. A guy who only wanted to talk to somebody who was a friend of a boxer named George Foreman.”

“George Foreman! I know you’re new here, Roger, but you should know George Foreman does our commercials telling everyone to ‘Call my friends at InventHelp.’”

“I’m sorry, Fred.”

“Did you get the guy’s name?”

“No, I didn’t and our system is down and didn’t record his phone number either.”

“That’s okay, Roger.”

“How come?”

“Most of these inventions don’t amount to a damn thing anyway.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

  

A Billionth of a Second and Baby Hitler Too

Move over, Stephen!  Baby Hitler is mine!

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen! 

It is indeed an honor to have been chosen – and I’m still not quite sure how - to pilot this first ever flight of the incredible Time Cruncher Machine invented by the great Dr. Heinz Kropotkin! 

And I am thrilled to be personally undertaking the mission to which I have been assigned – and I’m still not quite sure how - that most momentous and cosmic mission of all time: 

The Killing of Baby Hitler!

Now some of us had thought that a mission of more limited nature might be more appropriate for the initial trial flight of the Time Cruncher. Rather than killing Baby Hitler I had proposed we travel back to 1970 and stop the band ABBA from ever forming.

But Professor Kropotkin  - go figure - actually seems to like ABBA, and so I stand before you today ready, willing, and able to begin the quest to turn Baby Hitler into Baby Toast!

Now I will step into the Time Cruncher and spirit myself back to the year 1889,   where I will once and for all put an end to that horrible scourge upon humanity known as Adolf Hitler, while still in his neonatal Nazi diapers. 

“And now, farewell to all of you …What?!!!  A man materializing next to me??!! Who are you??!!!

“I’m you, only handsomer.”

“I think you’re right! You are me, only not as handsome. How can we be in the same place together at the same time?” 

“It seems I’ve failed to return to the exact split second in time in which I --- I mean, you and I ---originally left on the mission to kill Baby Hitler. If you don’t return to that exact split second, there’s another you where you arrive ... who’s apparently not as handsome.”

“Umm, how ahead of schedule are you?”

“Two minutes, three seconds, and two billionth of a second. I should have returned to that billionth of a second in which you leave.”

“Guess I should have practiced a bit more with the billionth of a second time lander!"

“You and me both!”

“So what do you have to tell me?”

“Well, the 1960’s are totally kick-ass!  Don't just go there.  Live there.”

“No, no, no!  Tell me: did we succeed in killing Baby Hitler?”

“Well, you tell me: Do you happen to be familiar with something known as World War II?” 

“World War II? Of course, I … AHH, Shit!”

“Sorry, man. I tried.”

“What happened?”

“First I threw a grenade at Baby Hitler.  But he lifted his right arm stiffly, jerked it high into the air and deflected it!"

"Where did a baby learn a move like that? Then what?"

"I tried to sneak behind him and chloroform him.  But his mustache absorbed the fumes and the sides were burned completely off. I'll bet it'll stay that way for life!"

"Did you try anything else?"

"I set his crib on fire. But he stood up with his toy goose and stomped out the flames!  I never saw such goose stepping!"

“Oh crap, that’s very discouraging! Maybe I shouldn’t even go?”

“No, you must!  I did do something back there that ought to have truly helped the world.”

“Really? What’s that?”

“You know how Hitler didn’t like one particular group of people?”

“Yes?”

“I switched that group to sports fans from North Jersey!” 

“Why, that’s the one thing about Hitler we've always liked!”

“There you go, that’s the two of us in action!”

“OMG, I’m starting to de-materialize right now! It’s time for me to leave.”

“Well, you have a great trip! Watch out for that speed bump around 1952.”

“Bye! Have fun having sex with my wife!”

 “Hey, I will!   And what’s great is, I’ve got a whole extra two minutes, three seconds, and two billionth of a second to do it in too!”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Grover the Electrician (FF)

Copyright - Ted Strutz

"Mrs. Koogel, I'm finished," said Grover the Electrician.  "Turn on some lights and let's check out the work."

"Grover," shouted Mrs. Koogel, "Mr. Koogel turned on the lights in the master bath and got an electric shock!"

"OMG!" exclaimed Grover.  “Try the hall bath."

"Grover," screamed Mrs. Koogel. "Mr. Koogel turned on the lights in the hall bath and got an even bigger electric shock!”

“This can't be!  Tell him to try the bedroom."

“Grover," yelled Mrs. Koogel, "Mr. Koogel turned on the lights in the bedroom and time traveled to the tenth century!”

"Mrs. Koogel, I'm sorry, it looks like I really screwed up!"

"No, you didn’t, Grover."

"But it was supposed to be the master bath and the ninth century!"

"No big deal.  Here, I'll write you a check."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I don't think I would have been quite so easy on Grover the Electrician. In the 9th century I could have met Charlemagne, one of the most intriguing figures in all of history, so I'm afraid we've got a  major time travel fail in my contribution this week to the Friday Fictioneers based on the picture prompt above. 

The other Fictioneers are ready and waiting to transport you to wherever you want to go, be it the ninth, tenth, or 21st centuries. Click here to be shocked and electrified by their offerings.

Look, there's Mr. Koogel and Charlemagne!  So Grover the Electrician pulled it off after all.

The Portal

I don't want to brag,  but I've spent the past week hanging with two very important persons.  

The great Alfred Hitchcock was kind enough to make a special appearance in my blog post There's Always a Hitch, his presence therein affording me with a terrific opportunity nobody else can ever lay claim to:  I  got to direct Hitchcock. And know what?  

As an actor,  Alfred Hitchcock should be treated like cattle!

Next I spent some time helping Pope Benedict get ready for his upcoming Twitter debut in The Pope's Tweets. True, the pontiff never directed a hit movie,  but he's got a bit of clout as well and now thanks to me he can spell "WOOT" in 17 different languages!

My entry in the Friday Fictioneers is below, based on the picture prompt above. Thanks as always to Rochelle Wisoff-Fields, both Director and Pope to this enterprise, who has  never yet treated any of us like cattle no matter how much we might sometimes deserve it.

The Portal

When the announcement was made, he had been the first to volunteer to walk though the paneled hallway and into the glowing portal that would lead to another time and place. 

It would not be just any time and place, however. Irrefutable calculations had proven that  the portal would take him to the most pivotal event in the history of humankind.  It could not possibly do other. 

Knowing there would be no return as well as he knew he had nothing to return for,  he reached the portal and calmly walked through the glowing light that framed it.

He heard a voice.   It could have been of any time or place,  of any language or person,  or of any nation or peoples of the world.   Yet he understood.   

"Congratulations to us all," said the voice. 

"It is a girl ...."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Note:  After reading and responding to the comments below, I made a small change to this piece.

A Short History of Humanity

We have shoving each other, why do we need grunting?

We have grunting, why do we need short bursts of grunting?

We have short bursts of grunting, why do we need small words?

We have small words, why do we need big words?

We have big words, we do we need big and small words together?

We have big and small words together, why do we need many big and small words together?

We have many big and small words together, why do we need talking?

We have talking, why do we need a man talking to one man and then running to other places and talking to another man?

We have a man talking to one man and then running to other places and talking to another man, why do we need a man carrying talking inscribed on dried clay tablets riding in an oxcart to other places to give talking inscribed on dried clay tablets to another man?

We have a man carrying talking inscribed on dried clay tablets riding in an oxcart to other places to give talking inscribed on dried clay tablets to another man, why do we need a man carrying papyrus scrolls riding in a chariot to other places to present papyrus scrolls to another man?

We have a man carrying papyrus scrolls riding in a chariot to other places to present papyrus scrolls to another man, why do we need a man carrying official communiqués of the realm and correspondence to and from the educated elite riding in a carriage drawn by a team of horses to other places to provide official communiqués of the realm and correspondence to and from the educated elite to another man?

We have a man carrying official communiqués of the realm and correspondence to and from the educated elite riding in a carriage drawn by a team of horses to other places to provide official communiqués of the realm and correspondence to and from the educated elite to another man, why do we need a man or woman carrying the U.S. Mail riding in a stagecoach or steam locomotive to other places to deliver the U.S. Mail to other men or women?

We have a man or woman carrying the U.S. Mail riding in a stagecoach or steam locomotive to other places to deliver the U.S. Mail to other men or women, why do we need the telegraph?

We have the telegraph, why do we need the telephone?

We have the telephone, why do we need faxing?

We have faxing, why do we need e-mailing?

We have e-mailing, why do we need e-mailing to lap-tops, blackberries, and other portable devices?

We have e-mailing to lap-tops, blackberries, and other portable devices, why do we need texting?

We have texting, why do we need I-Phones, myriad apps, Twitter, and Facebook?

We have I-Phones, myriad apps, Twitter, and Facebook, why do we need teleporting?

We have teleporting, why do we need teleporting to distant planets and other dimensions?

We have teleporting to distant planets and other dimensions, why do we need time traveling?

We have time traveling, why do we need gerwaffling?

We have gerwaffling, why do we need krelmaning?

We have krelmaning, why do we need Badidi Badidi Badidi Roy_ying?

We have Badidi Badidi Badidi Roy_ying, why do we need shoving each other?

The End.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~