You Mean to Tell Me I'm Typecast Forever as the Actor in the Actor Portrayal who has Gout?

Look, Sammy, I know you've been my agent for almost 15 years now, and, yes, you've done an awesome job!  

You got me that series with Paul Reiser and Steve Guttenberg about two Jews running a farm, Hebrew Hoe-Down, and I loved playing the wise-cracking Amish neighbor. And I was truly devastated when the show was cancelled in the middle of the second episode.

But, Sammy, in the last five years all you've gotten me is the actor portrayal of the guy with gout whose life is turned around after he asks his doctor about Jobomin!  All I ever get to say is "With Jobomin, Gout is Gone!"

What do you mean "get used to it?" Why?

You mean to tell me I'm typecast forever as the actor in the actor portrayal who has gout?

But I am an act-or, Sammy! I can act any disease you want including a full range of phobias, especially fear of being an unemployed actor!  

What's that?  Nobody will accept me in any other role ever again? People will lose faith in Jobomin if they see me playing golf with Arnold Palmer or singing “tomorrow, tomorrow, I love ya, tomorrow?” with my last dying gasp to a baby? 

How do you know this? All those actors tried it, you say? Took roles unrelated to their actor portrayals, you say?  Out of the business now, you say? 

Selling siding, you say?  

  

But I played Hamlet in college!  I electrified them with "To be or not to be!" 

Better get used to electrifying them with "If you can handle the vomiting, sexual dysfunction, and high probability of painful hemmorhoids, Jobomin may be right for you?"

Funny, Sammy!

Hey, I heard there's a Jennifer Love Hewitt project that's ... nobody will ever buy me in a love scene with Jennifer Love Hewitt?  Unless she's comforting me about my gout? Well, how about with somebody flat-chested then?  Damn!

A cop show?  Maybe as a corpse, you say? As long as he had gout?

I can't believe this!  Look, Sammy, I'm not asking for Broadway. I'm not asking you to get me into Hamilton! Umm ... could you get me into Hamilton?

Only if they write in a character who has gout and goes to an 18^th century physician and instead of leaches gets Jobomin?  

This is terrible! I can't spend my life only playing guys who have gout. I can't keep saying over and over "Ask your doctor if Jobomin is right for him, let alone you."

Hey, what if they bring back My Mother the Car?

As the radiator, you say?  And no gout necessary?

Well, one can always hope.

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Reaction News at 11:00

Hey, I totally nailed yesterday's forecast!
Can I help it you’re all such poor listeners?  

Reaction News Theme plays.

Off-Screen Announcer: It’s Reaction News at 11:00, the only news program where anchors and reporters react to each other and you as they really and truly feel, not in a ridiculous and easy-to-see-through phony friendly manner like all the others!

Reaction News Theme continues.

Off-Screen Announcer: With always tense and mutually competitive anchorpersons George Greenleaf and Jen Dozier, woefully inept meteorologist Miles Crawford with the exclusive Cross Your Fingers Forecast, inarticulate former hockey utility player Jean-Guy Stickle with Sports, and the entire more or less third-rate Reaction News team!

Reaction News Theme reaches full crescendo.

Off-Screen Announcer: And now anchor persons George Greenleaf and Jen Dozier!

George: Good Evening! President Obama announces that in order to distract Americans from the deteriorating economy he will shortly expose himself  to what's being termed "Obama's Weinergate" and a stunning investigative report reveals that among the nation's Boy Scouts, fully 47 per cent  of them are "Not Prepared!" But the big news is the Jewish man with a shop in his basement! I’m George Greenleaf! 

Jen: And I’m Jen Dozier.

George: Jen, it happened today in the Northeast section of Philadelphia!   That's where  authorities received a call from a distraught individual complaining of a bizarre whirring noise emanating from a neighbor’s home. For more on the story, our Northeast Philly correspondent, Annie Willows.  Annie …

Annie: Thank you, George!     First I’d like to say what a pleasure it is to be reporting from this bore-ass section of town after 12 years as your co-anchor, having been booted out in favor of that unqualified bitch now sitting to your left.

George: C’mon, Annie!  You’re 8 years the wrong side of 30, 30 pounds the wrong side of 110, and Jen’s totally on the right side of everything!

Jen: Annie, this is Jen. I understand the whirling noise which George mentioned was actually the sound of a wood saw, something never before heard in a Jewish neighborhood.   And for the record, bitch, not only am I highly qualified, I’m 24 years old, smokin’ hot, and have substantially bigger tits than you do!

Annie:  If only your brains were half as big!  Now, George and Jen, when authorities arrived at the home of one Joel Mandelbaum, they made the shocking discovery you see behind me:  a fully functioning wood shop, a Jewish man cognizant of the difference between a wrench and a pair of pliers, and a finished, stained, and lacquered chest of drawers which police Captain Fred Crenshaw has described as "competently made and quite sturdy!” 
          No charges are being filed because, believe it or not, there is actually nothing illegal about a Jewish man having a shop in his basement!   Reporting live in the Northeast for Reaction News, and reminding you to watch George's hands under the desk at all times, Jen, I’m Annie Willows.

George:  Thanks, Annie. And Jen, ha-ha, don’t listen to Annie about me. Although your taut young body is provoking a kind of sexual tension that makes it difficult ….

Jen:   ....  for me to keep my lunch down, you pompous strutting nincompoop!!!  George, President Obama announced today that to distract the electorate’s attention from the continuing dismal economy,  he will begin engagement in a messy, entangling, and exceedingly sordid extra-marital affair to involve, in the President's words,  "near non-stop sexual relations with a spot-on Jennifer Love Hewitt look-alike." To facilitate the new 'Distraction Initiative,' First Lady Michelle Obama separately announced that effective COB Monday, June 27, 2011, she will begin withholding sex from the President.   And I’m sure you know lots about that, George!

George:   Me?  About withholding sex?  Hah!   Well, yeah .... I have been married three times. Four, if you count twice to the castrating vegan! And now it’s time for meteorologist Miles Darrow.  Miles, let’s hope you don’t screw up this weekend’s forecast as badly as last weekend’s because, as you may have heard, people have these things called "plans." 

Miles: That’s great coming from you, George, someone who doesn’t know whether to look up or down to see if it's raining!  I'd do a much better job of forecasting if the same idiot that hired you would spring for meteorological equipment a bit more sensitive and up-to-date than the Farmer’s Almanac!   Anyway, your exclusive Reaction News Cross Your Fingers Forecast for tomorrow is: Partly.  It’s got to be partly something or other! 
      
George: Thanks, Miles!  You know, Jen, if it should be partly this weekend ...

Jen: …. I’ll be as far away from you as you are from sobriety, your stated age of 43, and any reasonable and discernible measurement of vertebrate intelligence whatsoever! Now, here is  former marginally adequate hockey player Jean-Guy Stickle, who knows nothing of any other sport but hockey, with that all-important Phillies update and all the Sports News!

Jean-Guy: Hello, sports fans! In Juniors play up in Moose Gonads, Northwest Territories, it was the Frigid Earmuffs 2, the Icicle Kings 1….

Jen: Okay, thanks, Jean-Guy!  One too many slap shots to the head, I guess. George?

George: That’s tonight’s Reaction News. For Jen Dozier, Miles Darrow, and Jean-Guy Stickle, this is George Greenleaf, have a great weekend, everyone!

Jen: Have a great weekend, everyone?  All of them?!

George: Well, Jen, that’s a standard signoff …..

Jen: What about unrepentant Nazis?  How about the jerk who cut you off in traffic today and flipped you the bird?  Shouldn’t Tracy Morgan have lousy a weekend?

George: I guess you’re right ….

Jen: The following people should have a great weekend, please listen carefully for your name: Abercrombie, Ralph Jr.; Alexander, Francis; Applebaum, Maury  but with this qualification ….

George:  And put me down for a great weekend too, Jen, provided after the broadcast you and I ….

Jen: ….. Not a chance, you besotted, bewigged illegitimate offspring of a teleprompter and a poised and ready needle brimming with Botox!  To resume:  Asbert, Clyde;  Atwater, Wendell, great until 2:00 A.M. Saturday, rotten thereafter; Aucoin, Medford ....

George: And for all those of you who --- unlike me --- ever actually have one:   Good Night!

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