The Great Schism of the Democratic Party of the United States of America

 

Gather around, one and all! This is the retelling of:

The Great Schism of the Democratic Party of the United States of America

which transpired  in the Year of Our Lord 2026 in a manner not dissimilar to one Great Schism of the past.   

It was in that time that Leader Hakim Jeffries held authority over the Democratic Party, which was known throughout the realm for strict adherence to the traditional dogma and traditions of the Party as handed down from time immemorial.

 Or at least from the early 1960’s.

Leader Jeffries was advised in matters of governance by a Council of Elders consisting of Nancy the Wise, Chuck the Bland,  and others of the same manner, outlook, and extreme longevity upon the Earth.

Now there sprung up in that time a rival faction of the Democratic Party led by a charismatic young firebrand named Mamdani, whose radical interpretations of Party scripture sparked a new movement named Democratic Socialism, whoever developed that name lacking a full complement of sense.

Gathered around the young upstart was an inner circle of youthful rabble-rousers including Darializa Avila Chevalier of the Too Long Name, Bradley the Reasonable, and a spitfire as comely as she was crafty, the simply and efficiently named AOC.

Each faction of the Party established separate Democratic  courts with Leader Jeffries holding sway over the now so named Centrist Faction  in Washington and Firebrand Mamdani exerting  the same authority in New York.

Each claimed to be the true successor to Lord Barak the Magnificent  - blessed be he - the patron saint of the Democratic Party, to whom all Democrats offered fealty.

In doctrine, the Centrists adhered closely to the teachings of the Master of Camelot, while the Democratic Socialists also subscribed to those same principles but sought to interpret them through the lens of the controversial prophet Bernard the Overly Loquacious.

Brooking no compromise between them, the Democratic Party appeared  irrevocably torn asunder until verily there appeared a barbarian at the gates in person of the malevolent prince Donald the Dumbass, who had gathered unto himself a mighty host by means of countless untruths.

Latterly the Dumbass had claimed that he could overthrow both Leader Jeffries and Upstart Mamdani within less than one day’s passing and establish a Sovereignty of Stupidity in their place.

A conclave was hastily summoned  at which Nancy the Wise  represented the Centrists and AOC the Democratic Socialists.

“Our central precepts are in accord,” proclaimed Nancy the Wise, “such as access to the Medicinal Arts for all residents of the realm and  the freedom to speak as one desires without flogging.”

I concur,” declared AOC, “and it is my conviction that Donald the Dumbass, for all his uncommon blathering, is at heart a man lacking wisdom, courage, and fortitude. 

With a pact between the two sides forged, both Leader Jeffries and Upstart Mamdani strode forth to meet the Dumbass at his encampment and in that moment pronounced in unison:

“Begone, Donald the Dumbass, thou art indeed a buffoon.”

And Donald the Dumbass hastily withdrew his minions, claiming without merit he had been victorious, and  retreated into the bowels of history, where he fully belonged.

Thus, by uniting to confront a common foe, the Centrists and Democratic Socialists brought an end to the schism and learned once more to labor in concert.

And  the defeat of the evil prince Donald the Dumbass has been inscribed and referenced in the annals of history by a single word:

TACO

Yet none have ever divined what it means.

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