Terminator 5, The Final Chapter

FIVE

The Final Chapter

"Sarah?"

"Yes, who is it?"

"Sarah Conner?"

"Oh my God,  you've found me!  You've found me!!!"

"You are Sarah Connor of 1515 Maple Drive, Englewood, California?" 

"Yes ... yes I am.  Are you going to kill me now?" 

"Why would I kill you? 

"Aren't you a Terminator unit sent back in time to destroy me so I won't give birth to a son named John Connor who will lead the Resistance against murderous machines that take over the Earth?"     

"Have you been drinking, Sarah Connor?"

"Well, then who or what the hell are you?!!!

"I'm Governor/Actor/Bodybuilder/Living Legend Arnold Schwarzenegger."  

"Governor Schwarzenegger!  Why are you here?"

"I'm on a promotional tour to talk about my new book, Total Recall. Perhaps you've seen me on 60 Minutes, the Tonight Show,  or Kelli and Michael?"

"No, but I did see you on Antiques Roadshow."

"Then you know all about my honest and frank confessional about the poor choice or two I made while serving as Governor of the largest and most  powerful state in the Union."

"You mean like bean bagging the housekeeper while married to Maria Shriver?" 

"Yes, it was the stupidest thing I've ever done in my long, illustrious, and multi-faceted career! I am very sorry for the pain that I have inflicted on my future political and show business aspirations."  

"Gee, I was kinda worried there for a moment you weren't sorry." 

"Everybody makes mistakes, Sarah Connor.  You yourself had sex with Reese,  some random guy from the future."

"Hello!  Reese was kind of good looking as opposed to having a face that would have best been crushed by the hydraulic press in Terminator 1."

"Here is my book, Sarah Connor.  How many copies would you like?   

"Please leave, Governor Schwarzenegger."

"I'll autograph it for you!  Although that's extra."

"Just please get out of here!"

"All right then, I'll go, Sarah Connor.  But just one thing."

"What?"

"I'll be back."

"In that case, Governor Schwarzenegger, know what?" 

"What, Sarah Connor?" 

"Kill me now!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

He was relentless, I tell you!

Totally Relentless!!!

Deliverin' with Ole Bessie

Is this Ole Bessie?

It's hardly any secret that my humor writing career is not exactly going as well as I had hoped it would. Frankly, I am to blogging what Arnold Schwarzenegger is to fidelity.  
And that's where Mr. Brian Biggy, Headhunter Extraordinaire, fits in.

"Mr. Block, I'll come right to the point," Mr. Biggy told me the other day. "We've given you a comprehensive battery of tests to try to determine your aptitude, skills, and/or talents for gainful employment. 

"I know," I said.  "I haven't had to answer so many questions since JDate tried to prove I wasn't Jewish just to get me off the site."   

"In reviewing the results of these tests, Mr. Block,  please keep in mind that there is no good or bad, there is no right or wrong, there is no pass or fail."

"Well, how did I do?"

"You failed."

"I failed?  How could I fail?"

"Our testing reveals you have no aptitude, skills, and/or talents for gainful employment."

"C'mon, I have talents!  I have skills."

"Do you have a head for figures?"

"Long as they're on women. Especially busty women."

"Are you tech savvy?"

"No, but I have Dell Tech Support on speed dial."

"As a former HR professional, what do you know about FMLA*?"

"I'm not up-to-date on all the radio stations in Philadelphia, but I could brush up."

"How are your leadership skills?"

"I dunno, but I need to go to the bathroom.  Could you take me?" 

"See what I mean, Mr. Block?  You're to employability what Arnold Schwarzenegger is to fidelity!"   

"Well, I know enough to know that joke doesn't get a laugh."

"I'm sorry, Mr. Block.  I'll say 'good-day.'"

"Well, there's one thing you haven't mentioned yet, Mr. Biggy."

"What's that?  What are you pulling out of that bag?  Why, is that ... is that .... a .... "

"Yes it is, sir.  I call her:  Ole Bessie!"

"Any good with Ole Bessie,  Mr. Block?"

"Best there is in the county."  

"Well, we'll see about that.  Meet The Twangmeister!" 

"Well then, shall we?"

"We Shall!"

Perry, you shore can play that thing!

YEE-HAA!!! 

You're one pickin' and a grinnin' fool, Perry! 



YA-HOO!!!

                                                             

Perry's  fingers fairly fly, they do, they do! 

Now, That's  Real Count-r-e-e-e!

 Perry, your artistry transforms you!

Lordy, Lordy

YIPP-EEE!!!

"Wow, Mr. Block,  you are indeed the best I've ever seen!"

"Thank you. Glad you enjoyed."

"Enjoyed?  I haven't had so much fun since I got my zipper caught in a Rolodex 25 years ago!"  

"So what do you say now, Mr. Biggy?  About me. "   

"You're still an unemployable loser."  

"Oh.  Okay. Guess I'll go then."

"Mr. Block?"

"Yes?"

"One more time!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

No question about it:  this is the stupidest post I've ever written!  And of course I don't play the banjo, I'm tone deaf.   No wonder I am to blogging what Arnold Schwarzenegger is to fidelity! 

(I know, I know. That joke still doesn't get a laugh.)

*FMLA --- Family and Medical Leave Act, folks. 

Your “Do-it-Yourself” News

    Ex-Rep. Weiner                                                    Ex-Rep. Craig

Congressman Resigns Following Allegations of Sexual Misconduct  

WASHINGTON D.C. ---Yet another member of the United States House of Representatives has resigned his seat due to political fallout from a sexually-charged scandal.

Late yesterday afternoon,
(a) Representative Anthony Weiner from New York,  
(b) Representative David Wu of Oregon,  
(c) Representative Larry Craig of Idaho, or  
(d) the Representative from your district in your home state

became the
(a) second,  
(b) fourth,  
(c) 137th, or 
(d) we’ve lost count!

Congressional representative to be forced out of office in the last year due to an alleged inappropriate sexual relationship.

Allegations have been  swirling around the Congressman for the past several weeks that he has
(a) made repeated unwelcome advances for,
(b) been having lots and lots of,
(c) been fantasizing about having, or
(d) been schwartzenegging  --- see (e) below

 ... Sexual Relations with
(a) a member of his staff, 
(b) someone he met on the internet,
(c) a very surprised man in the toilet stall next to him at the airport,
(d) himself, or
(e) someone even you and I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole,  did you get a look at this broad?!

The scandal that ultimately unseated the Congressman first came to light as a result of
(a) allegations made directly by the victim of his unwelcome sexual advances,
(b) allegations made by the person he’d been regularly shtupping for quite some time who finally realized what a gigantic loser he is,
(c) the Congressman regularly walking around Capitol Hill with his fly open, or
(d) the Congressman’s Twitter handle, @BigBoner11, which pretty much gave it all away.

In a prepared statement, the Congressman said
(a) "I am truly sorry for having violated the trust of  the fine people I have been privileged to serve while in Congress,"  
(b) "my failings are many and preserving my family that I love so dearly is most important at this time,"
(c) "I am very sorry I got caught," or
(d) "at least I got my rocks off and that’s what really counts.”

The future for the Congressman is unclear at this point but it is believed he will
(a) seek treatment  for sexual addiction at an undisclosed clinic,
(b) undergo involuntary castration by a knife happy mentally crazed mohel,  
(c) spend a great deal of time with his family during which he will be completely shut out by his wife, or 
(d) co-host a talk show on CNN with Eliot Spitzer.

In other news, Lilo is out of control again!

Wait till you see the cool choices we’ve got cooked up for you there!
                                                                                               

                                                                                

  Ex-Rep. Wu                                                                Who's Next?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Idea or I-DUD?

Stephen Hawking & the Hoff (l to r)

  (see No. 3 below)

Like most of us, I am often given to speculating about new ideas for products or services that could make me a bundle.

I’m sure you do the same.

However, unlike the lame-brained impractical ideas you come up with like the Barbie/Arnold Schwarznegger Domestic Help Fun Set, my ideas are pretty damn good.  Every one of them would stand a great chance of making big money if only the mere thought of actually putting down the clicker and implementing one of them didn’t induce in me a whining sound that literally summons dogs from miles around.

Still I’m not getting any younger (Note to Self: Come up with machine that enables me to get younger), so it’s time to get off my duff!  I’ve listed below the outstanding ideas for getting rich that have recently occurred to me, and I’d like you to get off your ass (I decided not to use the goofy word duff again) and pick the ones I ought to be putting into play.

I'm asking you to comment because I've already requested son Brandon review the list and eliminate whatever he thought unlikely of success, although why he crossed the Hillary Clinton Blow-Up Doll off the list is totally beyond me!

So tell me now:  Which of the following is an IDEA and which is an I-DUD?

(And, oh yes:  if the idea or ideas you select involve any technical or mechanical skills or know-how --- which being a Jew I obviously don't possess--- please also recommend a nice Italian man I can hire to implement them.) 

Thank you!
 PS. Don’t steal any of my ideas.
PPS. Once I’m famous, don’t even think about trying to contact me.

1) French Toast Which Insults You As You Eat It. “That’s the best you can pour syrup?”  “You call that masticating?”  “Instead of you, why couldn’t I have been eaten by Dominique Strauss-Kahn, just like all the others?”

2) Underwear that Automatically Washes Itself as Soon as You’re in an Accident.

3) Calculus with the Stars.  Renowned experts in the world of math and science weekly cram the operating principles of the universe down the gullets of the very top of the Hollywood D-List. Most likely Season One Winners: Professor Stephen Hawking and the Hoff!

4) Sell one shoe in tandem with a booklet entitled “The Joys of Hopping on One Foot.”

5) Establish humane meat packing company which provides meat products derived from animals which die only from natural causes, highway accidents, or suicide.

6) Develop and Market line of business cards which say “THIS IS THE FAX NUMBER, STUPID! WANT TO RUPTURE YOUR EARDRUM, GO AHEAD & DIAL IT!  

7) Mean Horn, Nice Horn. Cars will come equipped with two horns, one for when some jerk almost crashes into you and another for when you just want to pleasantly signal the driver ahead of you that the light has changed. A great safety feature to have whenever you accidentally push down too hard when you intend to make the nice horn sound and create the mean horn sound and the driver in front of you turns out to be an irascible member of the National Rifle Association!

8) Establish new restaurant franchise known as “The International Apartment of Pancakes”

9) Edible Pornography. Enjoy yourself, then chow down on the evidence. 

10) Republican Presidential Candidate Bobble Head Dolls.

11) Establish Placement Agency for Deposed Dictators. Provide job-seeking services for discarded despots including much-needed assistance in developing more marketable descriptive adjectives than “blood-thirsty” “rapacious” and “genocidal" for inclusion in resume Personal Summary. 

12) Clone-able Socks. Think this one's a winner, but frankly I’m going to need a really good Italian man to figure out the mechanics of it!

13) Create and market healthful salad that looks and tastes as good as a hot fudge sundae.  N-a-a-a-h-h-h!  Who'd care?

14) Eliminate unnecessary dual use of term “double-decker.” Slather double-decker bus with lettuce, tomato, mayonnaise, turkey, bacon, and ham. Affix wheels and exhaust to double-decker sandwich.

15) Weinergate.  Meet the newest slang word in the English language: whatever else it's used for, shouldn't it also become a synonym for zipper?  Zip up that Weinergate of yours, and spread it around!

Thank you for helping me to answer the question "Idea or I-DUD?"

What's that? 

What do you mean "I-DUNCE?!!!"

~~~~~~~~~~~