I've Rigged the Vote for Hillary!

Don't worry, folks, I took care of it.  All ballots say "HILLARY!"

You'll be pleased to know, folks, that I have now pretty much fully rigged the voting for President on Tuesday in Pennsylvania. Whenever anyone in Pennsylvania tries to vote Trump or Johnson, the voting machine will register Hillary Clinton.

You're welcome very much!

I couldn't manage to figure out how to rig things in a similar manner with respect to Stein, but that's only 3 or 4 votes. So, let the Green Party honcho have a thrill or two!

I'm honored the Democratic Party chose me to be the one to rig things for Hillary in Pennsylvania. To think that right here in the Birthplace of American Democracy I've been specially selected to undermine democracy brings a tear to my eye, a warm feeling to my chest, and many wads of illicit cash to my bank account in the Cayman Islands.

Why was I selected? I believe it was because I am someone who flies under the radar. The last significant act I did to distinguish myself in the realm of politics was to scream at Wolf Blitzer "Goddamit, ask a decent follow-up question already!" and "Wolf, dye the beard. It's aging."

I have to laugh at that idiot Trump. He blathers on about how the vote in Pennsylvania is going to rigged even though he knows the vote in Pennsylvania is not going to be rigged except it really is going to be rigged. By me. Sex with Putin this weekend is going to be really strange for both of them.

Now, folks, this is crucial: we have to keep this information strictly confidential!

So don't send it to Hillary.

And, by the way, get set for a Philadelphia Phillies World Series. Now that I've got the hang of rigging stuff, you ain't seen nothing yet!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dystopia 1950's!

A Tale of the Future Told Through

 Advertising Slogans of the Past 

John stumbled through the wreckage that was his basement and pushed aside the shattered door to the outside.  All around him was devastation and rubble. Where were the colors of nature, the green, the red, the yellow? 

He wondered where the yellow went.

John found a package of cigarettes in the dirt and lit up. The cigarette tasted good like a cigarette should. Down the road he saw a young woman approaching.

"Please, sir, I beg you," said the young woman. "May I have a cigarette?"

John extended the pack toward her. "You've got your own cigarette now, baby. You've come a long long way."

"I have come a long way indeed," she replied. "I feel like I've seen the whole USA on foot! Frankly I'd rather see the USA in my Chevrolet." 

"What has happened?" John asked.

"It was that maniac President Trump," the girl shouted. “He let his fingers do the walking on the nuclear button!"

"Oh, no!  And Snap, Crackle, Pop, everything was gone?"

"Yes, but I did my part. I voted for Hillary."

"Me too," said John.  "The Obama Administration was a pleasure. If only Hillary had won we could have doubled our pleasure, doubled our fun!"

"May I travel with you?" asked the girl. "I'm Allison." 

"Yes, Allison," said John, "but I have no means of transport either.  In fact I'd walk a mile for a camel."

"A camel?" Allison laughed. “I’d be willing to take a greyhound, and I'd drive it too."

"That way we could Go Greyhound and leave the driving to us."

John and Allison set out on an arduous journey in search of any others who may have survived. Suddenly a storm kicked up!  

"Allison, let's find cover.  When it rains, it pours!”

"If only we'd brought umbrellas, John," Allison cried.

"You're right.  From now on don't leave home without them!"

"So much water everywhere, Allison!"

"You know, you're soaking in it!"

"Look, it's finally slowing down!"

"Oh, that's good! Good to the last drop.”

As the storm ended, the two continued on their way.

"Did you know, John, before the cataclysm there was a train used to regularly travel through here?"

"Yes, I do. Once upon a time there was an engineer. Choo Choo Charlie was his name, we hear."

"He had an engine and he sure had fun. He used GOOD & PLENTY candy to make his train run."

"Talk about alternative energy!" said John.

Allison and John continued their journey through the barren landscape.

The longer they were together, John began to wonder "Does she or doesn't she?"  

Although he was embarrassed about his frankly small size, one night he could take it no longer and made his move.

"Where's the beef?" asked Allison.

"Trust me," said John. “A little dab'll do ya.  

"M’mm! M’mm! Good!” Allison moaned.

“Melts in your mouth,” said John, “not in your hand!”

“How did you get to be so wonderful at sex, John?” cooed Allison.

"We try harder."

"Finger lickin' good!"

The next day the two set off again.  After they’d walked a number of miles, John turned to Allison and said “I’ve a feeling we’re going to come to a village full of very nice people.”

“Do you promise me?” she said.

“Yes, I promise, but I don’t yet know the name of the village.”

A few miles later they saw a sign that said “Arpege.”

“I promised you anything, but I gave you Arpege,” said John.

As they approached the village a tall friendly man came to greet them.

“My name is Marlboro," he said. "Welcome to Arpege, also known as Marlboro Country."

“How have you and your people survived, Mr. Marlboro?” asked John.

"Only those morons that voted for Trump were destroyed. When Trump pushed the nuclear button, there was a loud  'plopping noise' and every person who was stupid enough to vote for him dissolved!  And all of us rejoiced!"

"I see," said John. "So it was Plop, plop, fizz, fizz, oh what a relief it is!" 

“Now we can rebuild civilization," Marlboro continued. "Our motto is LSMFT.”  

“Lucky Strike Means Fine Tobacco?”

“No. Let’s Start Making a Future Together.”

"May we help you?" asked Allison."

"Yes, of course.  What do you two think of our plans for a bright future without Trump?" 

John and Allison looked at one another and raised their voices as one:

“They’re GRRRRREAT!!!"

The End

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

List of Slogans

Most of the commercial slogans in the story above are from the Fifties with a smattering from the 60's, 70's, and 80's.   In order, they are:

1) You'll wonder where the yellow went, when your brush your teeth with Pepsodent. 

2) Winston Tastes Good Like a Cigarette Should.

3) You've got your own cigarette now, baby. You've come a long long way.  Virginia Slims Cigarettes.

4) See the USA in your Chevrolet. 

5) Let your fingers do the walking through the Yellow Pages.

6) Snap, Crackle, Pop, Rice Krispies

7) Double your pleasure, double your fun. Double Mint Gum. 

8) I'd walk a mile for a Camel.  Camel Cigarettes.

9) Go Greyhound and Leave the Driving to Us. Greyhound Buses.

10) When it rains, it pours. Morton's Salt.

11) Don't leave home without them. American Express

12) You're soaking in it. Palmolive Liquid with Madge the manicurist.

13) Good to the last drop. Maxwell House Coffee

14) Once upon a time there was an engineer. Choo Choo Charlie was his name, we hear. He had an engine and he sure had fun. He used GOOD & PLENTY candy to make his train run. Good and Plenty

15) Does she or doesn't she? Clairol

16) Where's the Beef?  Wendy's

17) A little dab'll do ya. Brylcreem

18) M’mm! M’mm! Good!  Campbell's Soup

19) Melts in your mouth, not in your hand! M&M's

20) We try harder. Avis Rent-a-Car

21) Finger Lickin' Good. Kentucky Fried Chicken

22) Promise her anything but give her Arpege. Arpege Perfume.

23) Come to Marlboro Country. Marlboro Cigarettes

24) Plop, plop, fizz, fizz, oh what a relief it is.  Alka-Seltzer  

25) LSMFT.  Lucky Strike means fine tobacco. 

26) “They’re GRRRREAT!”  Tony the Tiger.  Kellogg's Frosted Flakes.

Here I Go A 'Canvassing, A 'Canvassing for Clinton

Hint:  That's not me.

A couple of Saturdays ago, I went out a 'canvassing, a 'canvassing, a'canvassing for Clinton!  

I wanted to do my part to make sure the depraved douche bag doesn't win, of course, and I thought perhaps I'd also be paired up with an attractive older (hint: but not as old as me!) politically active woman.

I think things may have worked out a little bit better with the first goal than the second.

I was dispatched out by party headquarters all by my lonesome to wrestle with the local body politic. We raw recruits were charged to visit those houses in which Democrats resided and inquire of them the degree to which they supported Clinton on a scale of 1-5, with 5 being "We would sleep with her" and 1 being "I'd count the silverware when she leaves the house." 

There were a couple of other down ballot questions about candidates I'd never heard of which I generally dispensed with since I couldn't myself say whether I would sleep with some guy named Josh.

The two most important things I learned from my experience a'canvassing, a' canvassing, a'canvassing for Clinton were:

1) Many Democrats have huge loud menacing dogs.  Some Republicans do as well.

2) Huge loud menacing dogs are intimidating even when nobody's home and the huge loud menacing dogs thrust themselves ferociously against the inside of the front door of the house till it vibrates.

As I set out with my clipboard, I soon realized that the houses I was to call on never seemed to be close to each other. Some were blocks away from others. Did I draw the worst Democratic territory outside of Mar-a-lago? 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Hi," I chirped to the person opening the door at the first house.  "I'm a volunteer with the Democratic Party, I'd like to ask ...."

"I’ll give you an 8!" exclaimed the woman at the door excitedly. "And I’ll even sleep with Josh too!"

Well, I was off to a flying start. She probably would have even slept with me too, but I wasn't going to push it at 8:00 A.M. Saturday morning with Trump breathing down our necks.

So onward to the next house, three or four blocks away.

~~~~~~~~~~

"WOOF, WOOF, WOOF!!!"

Not exactly promising as I approached the front door of the next house. 

"Hi, I'm a volunteer with the Democratic Party, I'd like to ...."

"I'm for Trump!"    SLAM!     

Guess the list was a bit mistaken here.  No big deal, though, since that slam prevented a canine so big it looked like two guys in a suit from breaching the door and eating one hapless Jewish Democratic liberal.

Time to move on another two or three blocks.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Hi, I'm a volunteer with the Democratic Party, I'd like to ask you where on this scale ...." 

"I'll give you a 3."

"Oh, you mean 'She's a reprehensible crook, but what other fucking choice do I have?'"

"That's the one."

"Can't you do a little bit better?"

"I can make it a 2."

"I'll take the 3!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And so my morning passed.  Lots of walking, some folks real positive, some less so, many not home, a Republican here and there, and did I mention lots of walking?

Did I do any good a'canvassing, a'canvassing, a'canvassing for Clinton?  I hope so. I believe I got some people thinking a little more proactively about the importance of the election, maybe encouraged one or two of them to get more actively involved, and certainly helped provide some cooped up dogs with much needed leg and jaw exercise.

And wound up hobbling about with more than a few blisters. 

You're welcome, Hillary.

And as for you, Mr. Trump, here's a list of houses you ought to visit.  After we slather you in meat smell.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Presidential Pen Pal

Guess what?  

Hillary Clinton's been writing to me!  That's right, she's sending personal e-mails directly to me. With any luck they'll be on WikiLeaks before you know it and I'll be as famous as Ken Bone, but actually a little cuter even at this age.  

"Perry," the Democratic candidate for President of the United States wrote to me, "I'm so proud you're on our team!" 

She's proud of me!  Do you believe that?  Hillary Clinton is proud of me! Frankly I've never even met Secretary Clinton or been so fortunate as to ever go through a scandal with her.

Perhaps it was my vote for George McGovern in 1972?  Or that I voted for Michael Dukakis in 1988 except that was only because I got him confused with Olympia Dukakis?  Or maybe it was the letter of appreciation I wrote to President Clinton for doing it with a Jewish chick in the 90’s? 

I guess probably not that one.

And believe it or not, it isn’t just Secretary Clinton who’s been firing up the private server to shoot questionably appropriate e-mails my way. I'm getting personal e-mails from Tim Kaine, Elizabeth Warren, Robby Mook, Robert Reich, and more!  I guess my old pal Hillary must have clued them in to me because all of their e-mails close with a warm personal message that I can tell was written expressly for me:

"Because we know what a strong advocate you are for Hillary and the future of our country, Perry, we’ve been thinking of you. Therefore I’m asking you to chip in $1 or more to protect our country’s future right now."

Yep, they all really do know me.  Except or the "or more" part.

Oh, I almost forget.  Al Franken, the SNL comic turned Senator from Minnesota actually prepared a video about the upcoming race just for me! I'm certainly honored. Take a look by clicking here, but don’t share it.  I’ll need Al’s approval for that first.

You know, all this attention from Hillary Clinton and the others is just wonderful and I’m sorry I’m way behind in writing back to each one, although I did send Al a few jokes; maybe I can get his old job. One thing, however, does bother me. 

Shouldn’t Hillary be out campaigning instead of writing to me?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hillary Clinton set to Debate Complete Idiot

 This coming Monday evening, September 26, Democratic Presidential Candidate Hillary Clinton is scheduled to debate a complete idiot at 9:00 PM at Hofstra University Hempstead, New York.The debate is considered to be an extremely rare event in the history of American politics as never before has a candidate for president from one of the major two political parties gone one on one with a complete idiot.

The complete idiot in question knows nothing about world and domestic affairs, has no experience in government, and is so ignorant he thinks Merrick Garland is decoration for a Christmas tree.  Not only is he a complete idiot, he is a liar, a megalomaniac, and a fucking asshole.

Initially Clinton was scheduled to debate Republican Presidential Candidate Donald Trump but it has been decided that any complete idiot will do. The name of the complete idiot has not been released but viewers from coast to coast are not expected to notice any difference. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What Clinton Doesn't Know About Cyber Stuff

It's just after Labor Day 2016 and the latest political polls don't look so good for Hillary Clinton. 

Because of her sometimes casual acquaintance with the truth regarding her e-mails, a megalomaniac who lies more frequently than he draws breath even when he's hyperventilating is leading in the polls, even though the only polls he should be leading in are the ones he uses to regularly vault over the truth.

Why has Clinton stumbled so badly with respect to her e-mails? 

Hillary Clinton is a Boomer, just like you and me.  When we were growing up the only mail we got was delivered by a middle aged man named Clifford who picked his teeth with our parents' telephone bill. Sure, we work our PCs and our cell phones today, but our understanding of their ins and outs equals our understanding of Justin Bieber's appeal. 

Unless America wakes up and gets this, we'll soon wind up with a man in the Oval Office whose most intelligent executive act will be to spin around in his desk chair, shout "WHEEEE!," and declare war on Pennsylvania. 

What Clinton Doesn't Know About 

Cyber Stuff

1) Thinks "C" marking on documents means "Crap." 

2) Believes "Bill Gates" is the name for proposed barrier to be built around her husband, and Monica Lewinsky will pay for it.

3) Constantly losing to Putin at Madden 2017.

4) Asked Russians to hack her e-mails so she can confirm date she unsubscribed to "Friends of NAFTA Weekly."

5) Has directed staff to remove suggestive "Insert" key from Bill's PC.

6) Not sure if "Spell Check" will determine accuracy of Hermione's and Ron's 's spells as well as Harry's.

7) Believes purpose of "Shift" key is to provide political wiggle room.

8) Has directed staff to remove suggestive "Enter" key from Bill's PC.

9) Still using dial-up. 

10) Thinks reboot means a change in footwear to go with latest pantsuit.

11) "Let's see, point and click, point and click, click and point .... Damn, I'll never get this right!"

12) Preparing critical outreach to emoji community.

13) Believes cloud computing is counting the clouds overhead to see how many look like pussycats.

14) Thinks Instagram is a website for drug dealers in a hurry.

15) "Delete" key, she understands.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Scientists Hail Discovery of "Trump is an Asshole" Gene

A dramatic announcement was issued this morning by a team of researchers at the University of Pennsylvania Applied Science Department that they have isolated the human gene known familiarly as the "Donald Trump is an Asshole Gene." The discovery is being hailed as the greatest advancement in science since the discovery of virtually everything else.

The gene creates the normal despising of Donald Trump that is innate in all rational human beings. Researchers believe it developed in early man over 600,000 years ago in response to the existence of a creature known as the orange-crested douchebagius, which humankind came to learn was combative, stupid, and known to cover its mostly hairless head with profusions of orange leaves. 

It is believed further that  in some unfortunate modern humans the gene malfunctions causing the afflicted individual to - while realizing that Donald Trump is indeed an asshole -  believe he is a charming asshole. This aberration occurs in a small but vociferous percentage of the population today, estimated to be roughly in the range of "too many."

The race is now on to develop a method to reverse the impact of the mutant gene and restore those suffering from its malicious impact to normalcy. It is important that great care be taken that any treatment developed not impact the functioning of a nearby chromosome which houses the "Hillary Does Lie, But Let's Face It She is Running Against an Asshole Gene."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Top Ten Hillary Clinton E-mail Excuses

For these suggested excuses, Hillary: 

 No Charge!

It's no surprise to many that Hillary Clinton has a bit of a reputation for mendacity. It's also no surprise that I am trying to obscure this fact by using a word like "mendacity" that I hope you don't understand.

Clinton's occasional lack of candor is concerning but is rendered somewhat less so since she is running for President against a walking turd who hasn't told the truth since he filled out the application for Hair Club for Men.  Still, one wishes Hilarity would play it a bit more down the straight and narrow;  sadly she was just awarded Four Pinocchios by the Washington Post for recent statements to Chris Wallace regarding her e-mail controversy.  

Hillary, you can do better!  Here are some suggested excuses you may use right away to slam E-mail Gate shut once and for all:

Top Ten Hillary Clinton E-mail Excuses

10) Dog ate her e-mails.

9) Distracted by constant amorous advances from Bill. 

8) According to top writing experts, all adjectives are best removed from the sentence "Extremely careless in the handing of very sensitive, highly classified information."  Revised sentence "careless in the handling of information" plays a bit better.

7) "Must have left those e-mails in my other pants suit!"

6) "I relied on and had every reason to rely on the judgments of the 300 professionals with whom I exchanged e-mails, each of whom I could incinerate instantly with my heat vision."  

5) I had a "short-circuit" so strong when I was talking about the e-mails it curled Debbie Wasserman Schultz' hair!" 

4) "Server problems?  Absolutely. His name was Bruce and the quail he served me was decidedly under cooked!"

3) Too many evenings spent strummin' the ol' banjo and regaling staff with patter and song.

2) "All that happened during my drinking days."

1) "Frankly, Bill and I can do whatever the fuck we want!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Most Disliked Nominees in History

It's been said that Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton are the most disliked party nominees for President ever in the history of the United States. However, that's not true. There were two other even more disliked nominees running back in 1920. 

That year Vlad the Impaler ran for President against Satan.

Vlad the Impaler's slogan was "I smoked, but I did not impale." Satan's followers countered with "A human in every pot."  Vlad lobbied hard for unrestricted access to impalement stakes under a frequently misinterpreted law known as the Second Dismemberment. Satan ran into trouble when a number of torture-related letters were found in the wrong server, the one in his dining room and not in his office. 

These two were VERY disliked.  Satan's followers frequently rioted at his rallies against him. Vlad was incessantly booed and spat upon by his Vice-Presidential Running Mate, Godzilla.

At the last moment a third party challenge was mounted and Warren G. Harding was elected President. He was no picnic either.

Reached today, Satan commented that "yes, we were disliked, it's true, but that Trump guy really scares me!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Release the Bar Mitzvah Pictures!

In the style of the Onion.

(I didn't say as good as the Onion.)

Claiming that "alleged progressive" candidate for President U.S. Senator Bernie Sanders may well be a fraud, a charlatan, or even worse, a businessman!, former Secretary of State and Presidential candidate Hillary Rodham Clinton has challenged Senator Sanders to release the pictures from his niece Shelly's son Joel's Bar Mitzvah, celebrated on March 14, 2016. 

"Senator Sanders tries to pose as an authentic progressive by wearing shabby wrinkled suits and leaving his thin gray hairs uncombed," Clinton charged, "but the truth is that at his nephew Joel's Bar Mitzvah, Senator Sanders was well-groomed!" 

“He combed and sprayed his hair!  He had a well-pressed Brooks Brothers suit on! He wore wingtips which were immaculately shined!"

Secretary Clinton's vehement demand that Sanders release the Bar Mitzvah pictures is seen as a powerful counter punch to Sanders' demand that Clinton release transcripts of speeches she has given to Wall Street bigwigs. A clearly flustered Senator Sanders yesterday dodged the issue by asserting that Joel's Bar Mitzvah pictures are not yet back from the photographer. 

"What can I do?" Sanders shrugged " For all I know Shelly hasn't even picked out the proofs yet!"

But even some of his supporters aren’t buying this.  Bernie supporter actress Susan Sarandon has announced that if Joel's Bar Mitzvah pictures show Sanders dancing the hora with his hair unmussed, she may hora over to John Kasich.

Additionally Secretary Clinton has released the pictures to every Bar Mitzvah she has ever attended.  "I have nothing to hide," exulted Clinton," I always wear my characteristically frumpy pants suit and I plan to do the same at my granddaughter Charlotte's Bas Mitzvah ten years from now."

"When,  of course, I'll still be president," she added.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If you liked this post you might also like Trump Stung by Mosquito, Lashes Out at Bug Chicks, Self-Deprecating Man May Really Be As Incompetent As He Says, and The Great Youth Serum Scam. 

If you hated this post, I hope Hillary Clinton forces you to release the pictures from your Bar Mitzvah and it turns out your fly is down in every damn one of them!

Trump for Santa Claus 2016

"Good Evening. I'm David Muir and this is my hair. Tonight on 20/20 I'm pleased to be interviewing the Republican Party front runner in the race for Santa Claus 2016, Mr. Donald Trump.

"Ho, ho, ho, David, that is some nice haircut!  Joy to the World, and let's get right down to praising the shit out of me!"

"Certainly, Mr. Trump.  Now as you and our viewers know, we've been electing Santa Clauses for the past 27 years ever since the original Santa died in a tragic accident trying to save grandma from getting run over by a reindeer."

"Yes, very tragic, but I prefer Santas who don't get run over."

"Mr. Trump, why do you want to run for Santa Claus?"

"Because we have the worst Santa Claus we've ever had in office in the North Pole! Talk about leading from behind, he hitches the reindeer behind the sleigh and goes backwards!"

"That's not true, Mr. Trump. Santa always manages to get all the toys delivered on time and on Christmas Eve.""

"Sure, David, but how is he on lumps of coal delivery? We're way over budget on lumps of coal and his management of The Naughty and Nice List has people who don't like me listed as "Nice!" 

"Okay, Mr. Trump. Now one of your controversial proposals is that if you are elected Santa Claus you will build a wall to keep all undocumented elves out of the North Pole. What will this accomplish?"

"The illegal elves that come to the North Pole are not the best. They are pimps, drug dealers, chewers of gum that four out of five dentists recommend they don't chew.  But, David, the wall that I build will include a great big beautiful door." 

"And elves who become legal go right through that door?"

"No, I go through that door. That what makes it beautiful!"

"Mr. Trump, it's been pointed out that you have no experience at being Santa Claus, unlike some of the other candidates who have at least dressed up as Santa Claus at parties and for children."

"You mean Governor Christie?  I heard he says to children 'What do you want for Christmas, little boy? Cake? I'll get it for you,' and he never comes back."

"How do you rate the other candidates for Santa Claus?"

"Rick Santorum - Good Guy!  Ted Cruz - Good Guy!  Vladimir Putin - Best Guy! If he's elected Santa Claus he's promised to give me the Ukraine for Christmas next year."  

"What about Ben Carson?"

"Ben Carson?   Go ahead and elect him Santa Claus if you want to turn every child under the age of 8 in America Jewish!"

"Mr. Trump, you've made some strong statements about your Democratic opponents. You criticized Hillary Clinton for going to the bathroom during a debate, calling it disgusting. Mr. Trump, is going to the bathroom disgusting?"

"It is if you're going over the side of the sleigh above Indiana."

"You've also been highly critical of Bernie Sanders."

"This bleeding heart curmudgeon wants to give everything to everybody.  Free healthcare, free education, free tickets to Judy Collins Look-a-Like Contests. There's no end to what he wants to give to people."

"So you don't think Mr. Sanders is qualified for this job?"

"Of course not.  Who does he think he is --- Santa Claus?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~