Elf Perry's Magical Christmas Tree Rescue Service

Perry's 



- al Christmas Tree Rescue Service!

Like most of you, I am oft given to spending time trying to think up ideas for making my fortune, ideas which hopefully manage to bypass the careful planning, exhaustive attention to detail, and long years of hard and dedicated work that making one's fortune usually requires.

You know, the stuff you and I don't wanna do.

In this time of year when legions of discarded Christmas trees sadly litter the streets of our cities and towns like so many victims of a latter day Black Plague, I chanced to happen upon the following proposed humble idea for making craploads of cash. 

What do you think, folks?  Idea, or I-DUD?

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"Mommy, I'm so sad.  The Christmas tree's losing its needles and that always means we hafta put it out on the curb!"

"Not this year, Jimmy.  This year, Mommy called someone special!"

DING-DONG!

"I'll bet that's him right now.  Open the door, Jimmy."

"Why, you must be Jimmy!  I'm Elf Perry, of ...

 Elf Perry's 

Magical Christmas Tree Rescue Service!"

"Mommy, there's some old guy here in a ripped red sweatshirt and phony pointy elf ears."

"These aren't  phony elf ears, Jimmy!  They're just whimsical and glued badly!" 

"This is the someone special I was telling you about, Jimmy!  Right, Elf Perry?"

"Right, Jimmy's Mom!  Jimmy, I rescue used Christmas Trees and take 'em direct to Santa who breathes new life into them for next Christmas!"

"How do you get 'em to Santa?"

"My magical sleigh is out front.  Take a look, Jimmy!"

"It says U-Haul."

"That's Yule Haul, Jimmy!"

"Jimmy, please show Elf Perry where our Christmas tree is."  

"That would be wonderful, Jimmy, thank  ....  JESUS CHRIST!!! you didn't tell me you had a .... I mean GOLLY GEE WILLIKERS,  you didn't tell me you had  A California Redwood! for a Christmas tree." 

"You didn't ask, Elf Perry."

"Well, let me just come around back of the tree here and, oh, oh, oh my God!!"

CRASH!!!

"Sure hope you're insured, Elf Perry."

"I'm afraid my business plan isn't quite that far along yet." 

"Know what, Mommy?  I like Elf Perry, he's funny!" 

"Well, Elf Perry, looks like you've made a conquest."

"And how about Jimmy's Mom?  Y' know, you're not half bad and your son likes me, so maybe after I get done, we two could ..."

"Just pick up the damn tree, you pointy eared loser!  And watch out for the 

Chandeli-e-e-e ....

....e-e-e-e-r-r-r-r-r-r-R-R-R-R-R-R!!!!! 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So that's  Elf Perry's Magical Christmas Tree Rescue Service for you, folks.  What do you think?   

Idea, or I-DUD?

What do you mean,  I-DUNCE?!! 

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P.S. So who says you can't do slapstick in a blog post? 

Idea or I-DUD?

Stephen Hawking & the Hoff (l to r)

  (see No. 3 below)

Like most of us, I am often given to speculating about new ideas for products or services that could make me a bundle.

I’m sure you do the same.

However, unlike the lame-brained impractical ideas you come up with like the Barbie/Arnold Schwarznegger Domestic Help Fun Set, my ideas are pretty damn good.  Every one of them would stand a great chance of making big money if only the mere thought of actually putting down the clicker and implementing one of them didn’t induce in me a whining sound that literally summons dogs from miles around.

Still I’m not getting any younger (Note to Self: Come up with machine that enables me to get younger), so it’s time to get off my duff!  I’ve listed below the outstanding ideas for getting rich that have recently occurred to me, and I’d like you to get off your ass (I decided not to use the goofy word duff again) and pick the ones I ought to be putting into play.

I'm asking you to comment because I've already requested son Brandon review the list and eliminate whatever he thought unlikely of success, although why he crossed the Hillary Clinton Blow-Up Doll off the list is totally beyond me!

So tell me now:  Which of the following is an IDEA and which is an I-DUD?

(And, oh yes:  if the idea or ideas you select involve any technical or mechanical skills or know-how --- which being a Jew I obviously don't possess--- please also recommend a nice Italian man I can hire to implement them.) 

Thank you!
 PS. Don’t steal any of my ideas.
PPS. Once I’m famous, don’t even think about trying to contact me.

1) French Toast Which Insults You As You Eat It. “That’s the best you can pour syrup?”  “You call that masticating?”  “Instead of you, why couldn’t I have been eaten by Dominique Strauss-Kahn, just like all the others?”

2) Underwear that Automatically Washes Itself as Soon as You’re in an Accident.

3) Calculus with the Stars.  Renowned experts in the world of math and science weekly cram the operating principles of the universe down the gullets of the very top of the Hollywood D-List. Most likely Season One Winners: Professor Stephen Hawking and the Hoff!

4) Sell one shoe in tandem with a booklet entitled “The Joys of Hopping on One Foot.”

5) Establish humane meat packing company which provides meat products derived from animals which die only from natural causes, highway accidents, or suicide.

6) Develop and Market line of business cards which say “THIS IS THE FAX NUMBER, STUPID! WANT TO RUPTURE YOUR EARDRUM, GO AHEAD & DIAL IT!  

7) Mean Horn, Nice Horn. Cars will come equipped with two horns, one for when some jerk almost crashes into you and another for when you just want to pleasantly signal the driver ahead of you that the light has changed. A great safety feature to have whenever you accidentally push down too hard when you intend to make the nice horn sound and create the mean horn sound and the driver in front of you turns out to be an irascible member of the National Rifle Association!

8) Establish new restaurant franchise known as “The International Apartment of Pancakes”

9) Edible Pornography. Enjoy yourself, then chow down on the evidence. 

10) Republican Presidential Candidate Bobble Head Dolls.

11) Establish Placement Agency for Deposed Dictators. Provide job-seeking services for discarded despots including much-needed assistance in developing more marketable descriptive adjectives than “blood-thirsty” “rapacious” and “genocidal" for inclusion in resume Personal Summary. 

12) Clone-able Socks. Think this one's a winner, but frankly I’m going to need a really good Italian man to figure out the mechanics of it!

13) Create and market healthful salad that looks and tastes as good as a hot fudge sundae.  N-a-a-a-h-h-h!  Who'd care?

14) Eliminate unnecessary dual use of term “double-decker.” Slather double-decker bus with lettuce, tomato, mayonnaise, turkey, bacon, and ham. Affix wheels and exhaust to double-decker sandwich.

15) Weinergate.  Meet the newest slang word in the English language: whatever else it's used for, shouldn't it also become a synonym for zipper?  Zip up that Weinergate of yours, and spread it around!

Thank you for helping me to answer the question "Idea or I-DUD?"

What's that? 

What do you mean "I-DUNCE?!!!"

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