Show Biz Satan (FF)

"Perfect, Satan!  Just perfect!" 

"Thank you, Solly."

"That shot worked super due to your outstanding lighting skills! You're the best in the business!"  

"Well, I am the Master of Darkness!  To understand the dark, you also must comprehend the light."

"Luckiest day of my life when you came calling on me. Who knew you were enamored of show business?"

"I was ready to take your soul as the most corrupt producer in Hollywood!  But you offered me a job I couldn't resist."

"And since then we've made show business history!"

"But when will I realize my dream to work with Meryl Streep?  You recall, Sol Berman, after that is when I take you!

"Sorry, but ... umm ... Meryl ... uhh ...  is on location for another six months."

"By the fires of Hades!  Now what?" 

"Satan, say hello to Mark Ruffalo." 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I'm so glad Satan found his metier and may be leaving us all alone for a while.  For that you can thank producer Sol Berman and the Friday Fictioneers, to whom this brief story (alright, 140 words, what's it to ya?) is the weekly offering by yours truly based on the intriguing picture prompt above.  

I don't know why I think Mark Ruffalo is kind of an amusing reference.  He's a good actor, but I find something funny about him.  Then again, judging from my success as a humor writer, what do I know about funny?  The other Fictioneers know funny, and dramatic, and poetic, and much more so it's time to leave me, Sol Berman, Mark Ruffalo, and Satan back in the studio and click here.

Devil with the blue dress on?  No, devil clutching an Oscar.  Next March.

Just a Couple of Presidents Talkin' on President's Day

"Happy President's Day, George!"

"You too, Abe. 

Happy Us Day!" 

"Imagine the two of us sharing a holiday, George!  Me and you, the first and second most important Presidents in U. S. history."

"That's right, I  ... wait a minute!  Who are you calling first and who second?"

"Well, clearly I'm first!  Which one of us had a world class motion picture out this year directed by Mr. Steven Spielberg and starring the incomparable Daniel Day-Lewis, the male gender's answer to Meryl Streep?"

"Well, I've been in movies too. And more filmstrips than Jack Hanna!"

"Terrific.  And by the way, I've also been played by  Henry Fonda, Raymond Massey, Jason Robards, and Academy Award Winner F. Murray Abraham. Who you got --- Jeff Daniels?"

"Well ... he's really good in Newsroom."

"Yeah, with Sorkin writing his lines!  And, George, there wasn't just one but TWO big movies out about me this year!"

"You're counting the stupid vampire movie!?"

"And I suppose you have a project in development with Judd Apatow?"

"I'm Number One! With that beard, you'd be lucky to get a part in a feminine hygiene commercial, if you catch my drift!" 

"With your teeth, you'd be lucky to get PoliGrip!  Bet you'd really gum the scenery too!"

"You couldn't deliver the Gettysburg Address without half a dozen Marco Rubio moments!"

"Then again maybe you could take an acting class, and learn how to act teeth!" 

"HEY, GEORGE & ABE:  You two need to cut this crap out!"

"Why, it's Bill Clinton!  Hey, Bubba!"

"Slick Willie!  Elvis has re-entered the building!"

"You two guys need to work together on this.  Accordin' to my standards ...

"According to your standards, Bill, my life was about as exciting as winter in Valley Forge. You, Abe?"

"Absolutely, George! Four score and seven had nothing to do with the number of babes I got to ..."

"No, no, no, guys! I just have two words to whisper to you both.  And they are ....."

"OMG, you're right, Bill!  Abe, you and I are both Numero Uno!"

"Right you are, Georgie!  Let's go get ourselves a drink and some dinner.

"Good deal, Abe.   And maybe later --- if you can hack it --- we'll take in a show!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Folks, what I whispered to Abe and George were the words:

Hillary Clinton!

I figured they'd rather spend the next four years sharin' first place than arguin' in 2016 who's gonna be second and who's third!

The Next Dark Knight Rising

   
Who will be the next Dark Knight Rising?

As moviegoers flock like winged creatures of the night this weekend to see "The Dark Knight Rises," a question is already rising in the minds of the fans of the Dark Knight himself.  With the Christopher Nolan/Christian Bale trilogy complete, when and where will we see Batman again?  And who will fill the cape and cowl of the Caped Crusader?  

You're in luck.  Casting begins now .....   

Send in the Applicants! 

                                

Wrong Type Entirely.

NEXT!

                       
                    
              Too Short, Too Nuts.

                      NEXT!

Has filled in for another actor before. May have to create new character "Bat-Nurse."   

                         NEXT!

Isn't it enough to fuck up ONE

  superhero movie?

                            NEXT!

         Let me get this straight:

You consider 'Jack and Jill' a 

resume piece for playing

                    Batman?

                          NEXT!

But how can you be both for

   Batman AND the Joker

          at the same time?

                        NEXT!

                         

NEXT!

                
                      Your Highness!

Of course you'd be brilliant!

                            NEXT!

  

Oh, Reg, we've missed you 

                 so much!

                             NEXT!

  Great, we can get Clooney! What? He did what before? 

He did What?!!!         

                     NEXT!

                   
                                  AT LAST!

     The Fresh Face we've

           been looking for!

  Ka-POW!     Ka-BAM!   CRASH!!!

The next Dark Knight has risen! 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Stylish Blogger Award

Mine, mine, all mine!

Marni Mann is a talented author and terrific twitterer (@MarniMann) and blogger (Marni Mann: The Memoir of a Writer)  who happens to be named after a movie made by Alfred Hitchcock.

 Frankly it’s one of the lousier movies made by Alfred Hitchcock.

Marnie, (1964) features a tepid performance by Tippi Hedrin, an odd miscasting of the young Sean Connery, and “a surprise ending” even M. Night Shyamalan would have rejected. However, if you have to be named after an Alfred Hitchcock movie, it beats going through life with everyone calling you Psycho!

Recently Marni was kind enough to bestow upon me the highly coveted Stylish Blogger Award. To be honest, I’m referred to as "stylish" about as often as Anthony Weiner is referred to as "photogenic."  So, such as to properly reflect the image of this outstanding award, I got myself a haircut and bought some nice new clothes.

Do I look okay, Marni? And where would you like me to send these bills?

In accepting the Stylish Blogger Award, I can only say I am truly honored and that I plan to place it on my fireplace mantle right next to the Versatile Blogger Award presented to me last year by none other than Ms. Meryl Streep! (Note: Not only is that complete bullshit, I don’t even have a mantle, let alone a fireplace!)

The Stylish Blogger Award comes with the stipulation that each recipient share seven random facts about himself or herself. Among the hundreds of thousands of fascinating things about me, I have elected to share with you the following:

1) I am terrified of sharp knives. I have spent the better part of the last twenty years attempting to develop food with zippers.

2) This is my favorite joke:

I used to play baseball for Caesar’s baseball team back in the glory days of Rome. One Sunday afternoon we were playing a game dedicated to the revered Gods on Olympus when I was called out on strikes on a third strike pitch I’m sure was low and inside.

I turned to the umpire and said, “You, sir, are neither holy nor Roman nor an umpire!”

If you don’t get that one, I don’t hold out much hope you’ll like my second favorite joke, “St. Thomas Aquinas, Gertrude Stein, and Moses Maimonides walk into a bar….”

3) I have no math sense whatsoever. Keep this is mind if we’re ever in a restaurant together and you ask me to figure out the check!

4) The most famous person I’ve ever had sex with is Jane Goldfarb. Yep, you heard right! Jane Goldfarb!!!

5) I once met Moe Howard of the Three Stooges when I was ten years old. Yes, he did gouge my eyes out. Yes, he did pull me along by my hair. But to my everlasting regret and shame, he did not hit me over the head with a crow bar.

6) I am terrified of heights. My entire life is like the dream sequence in Vertigo in which Jimmy Stewart envisions himself falling in terror from tremendous heights, only not as well directed.           

7) I have personally proposed to Tom Cruise that he make a series of Gay Scientologist movies.

8) Bonus Fact: I am a big fan of the Philadelphia Phillies, although they root against me just about any chance they get!

Now comes the part where I get to play James Franco and Anne Hathaway whose combined ages depressingly equal just one year older than I am, as I pass the Stylish Blogger Award along to three deserving blogging buddies. It’s supposed to be five, but I’m the award winner and I fully reserve my right to be both iconoclastic and ornery! 

 The envelopes please ….

Think book bloggers are boring? Yeah, you probably do, considering you follow me and therefore think great writing comes inside the stale tasteless cookie you crack open each and every Saturday night around 2:05 A.M. following your stoned Chinese take-out and Shelley and Joyce are those two Jewish girls your buddy fixed you up with in college that you both miserably struck out with.

Well, unlettered yokel mine, not this book blogger!

Tim Lowe aka @Book_Dude is an insatiable reader and writer who shares his literary and life perceptions in a lively, informative, and often intensely personal manner. In his blog Bookspin, Tim offers thoughts on books as diverse as Hitch 22: A Memoir by Christopher Hitchens to Inside the World of ESPN while managing to employ words and phrases like “capacious” and “ contradictions that contain their own multitudes” in a manner that makes us actually wish we knew what the hell they mean.

 @Book_Dude gives you everything you’d ever need or want to know about the latest hot-off-the-fiction-or-non-fiction bookshelf regardless of whether you actually want to read what he purveys or, like you, just want to know which books to leave around half-open to impress random babes and other dignitaries who may be stopping by. You should be stopping by Bookspin.

One of the most eclectic blogs I’ve ever read is the work of mystery writer K.B. Owen (@kbowenwriter) who’s also a former college professor with a doctorate in 19th Century literature. With regular features entitled Mystery Mondays, Wise Word Wednesdays, and Fashion Fridays, Dr. Owen offers compelling courses on each of her obviously beloved subjects at K. B. Owen, Mystery Writer.

When it comes to mysteries, Kathy provides a thorough investigation of whichever mystery genre, writer, or hard-boiled detective she has under the microscope at the time, be it Hitchcock, Charlie Chan, or Encylopedia Brown. Fashion Friday shifts gears to provide a comprehensive look at 19th Century fashion, accompanied by a fully-painted portrait of the era replete with original period photos and artwork. And Wise Word Wednesdays represents Kathy’s musings on famous and not so famous words, phrases, and quotations. Hmmm .... maybe Kathy can help us figure out what the devil “capacious” and “contradictions that contain their own multitudes” mean. 

If you’re the kind of person who’s fascinated by the fact that Charlie Chan was played only by white guys and never by an Asian or enjoy discovering a 19th Century rendering of the innards of a woman constricted by the wearing of an  au courant corset of the time, then K. B. Owen, Mystery Writer is the blog for you. It’s certainly one for me.

There almost as much going on in Heaven and Earth as well as in your philosophy, Horatio, in  Fantasies, Mysteries, Comedies, Recipes, as the expansive title of Marian Allen’s (@MarianAllen) blog suggests. For one, there are Hot Flashes, short short SHORT stories that express fully realized events, thoughts and feelings in less time than it takes me to say “Duh, which way did he go, George?”

Here’s but a sampling of two:

First Allison had a cold, then Louise, then Johnny, then Spike and Lady Margaret. Sometimes, multiple personality disorder was no damn fun.

 The days and nights are equal lengths tonight and I’ll start being good. By mid-summer, I’ll be a paragon. Then the nights get longer.

Go ahead, dude, you do one as good, I dare ya!

Marian's blog also contains longer stories, links to other published works, poetry, interviews, reviews, and recipes. Though recipe blogs aren’t my thing, Marian even includes a recipe for latkes, which I make only with a Manischewitz mix. So non-Jewish Marian's versatile blog even manages to prove that she’s a better Jew than I am! 

But you don’t have to be Jewish ---- or anything else --- to enjoy Fantasies, Mysteries, Comedies et al.

Those are the awards, folks; I’ll see all the winners at the after party. Drinks are on me, but since I’m not telling anyone where the after party happens to be and since in fact there really isn’t any after party, I’m not all that concerned that Tim, Kathy, and Marian are going to ring up much of a bill on me.

And once again, Marni Mann, thank you very much for the Stylish Blogger Award!

But picking me?

What are you?

Psycho?

~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks, Big Guy!

Yep! I'm counting these!

This time of year, many of us stop to say thanks for the good things in life and the manifold blessings we enjoy.

It’s a lovely practice, and one I’d appreciate a lot more if so many people did not stop to say thanks for the good things in life and the manifold blessings they enjoy when they’re driving right the hell in front of me on the expressway!

Nevertheless I have a few things to give thanks for myself, and I’d like to share them with you now --- as if you give a crap!

I am thankful:

1. That clothing was invented. Otherwise every novel ever written would include the words “he averted his eyes” five or six times per page.

2. That Life does not feature a large permanent dunk tank. Imagine being submerged in freezing cold water every time you leave the toilet seat up!

3. That the act of shaking hands does not emit a low farting noise. I have enough trouble meeting people as it is.

4. That even though I’m about as old as Sally Field and my health is generally lousy, I apparently have no need for and don’t even know WTF Boniva is!

5. For those happy times building sand castles on the beach with my son, especially on the days when a guy named Bruno from Building Trades Council No.87 doesn’t come by and flatten them because he’s pissed we use non-union labor!

6. That parking lots were invented, because if there were none --- with my parallel parking skills --- I’d be in the car 17-18 hours a day.

7. That when somebody around the dinner table says “hey, let’s all share together what each of us is most thankful for!” my immediate thoughts about what I’d like to have happen to that person are not acted upon by God.

8. For HBO, without which I would never see a naked woman.

9. That spiders have never developed the capability to enrich uranium.

10. That we are so fortunate to live in those precise time and space coordinates in the history of all of creation and of the entire universe when and where there is Meryl Streep.

And so, for all these wonderful blessings, I hereby tender my most tender and juicy thanks!

Here’s hoping you have similar reasons to give thanks during this festive season, and that you don’t royally screw them all up in 2011.

Happy Holidays, Everybody!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Return of The Versatile Blogger Catch-All Category Award

It’s incredible! I still don’t believe it!

I want to pinch myself, but I’m not going to do that because I don’t want to give myself the wrong impression. I don’t even like me, let alone want to come on to me!

Several months back, I had the honor of winning the coveted Versatile Blogger ‘Non-Vampiric/Non-Ain’t our Family Wacky?' Catch-All Category Award presented to me by none other than master thesbian Meryl Streep at Santa Monica's Eggland's Best Eggs Center.*

It was indeed a magical moment when the two of us were together: America’s foremost actress and me, America’s second most foremost actress!

Following the presentation, Ms. Streep took me under her wing and --- except for the disgusting smell emanating from under that 6 foot feathery appendage growing above her left armpit --- I was enraptured and beguiled as we walked back stage hand in hand where she proceeded to beat me about the face and neck and make off with the Versatile Blogger statuette, surrendering it only after being felled by a flying tackle from fellow acting great Robert De Niro!

My trophy secured, I headed straight to the after party where I imbibed so much alcohol that fellow attendee Nucky Thompson of Boardwalk Empire hollered “temperance, man, temperance!” Next thing I knew I awoke in a circus trailer in Kansas City MI in full clown make-up and regalia, having apparently traveled throughout the Midwest for the past three and a half weeks under the name “Squiggles.”

As the scotch and soda haze subsided, however, I realized that I had sadly failed to complete my official duties as winner of this most coveted award and now must make amends. However, being Jewish and not handy, I had to hire an Italian man to make my amends for me.

So herewith I offer those amends --- thank you, Tony! --- and execute in full my remaining Versatile Blogwinning duties:

1. Share seven things about yourself. I fear this may be kind of boring because my life is so mundane my superego regularly falls asleep when it's supposed to be minding my id.  Nonetheless:

1) I have somewhat of an unusual hobby for a Jewish person. Weekends I’m a Catholic Priest.

2) I am deathly afraid of spiders. Whenever I find a spider in my house, I immediately call my realtor and put the house on the market. In the last ten years, I’ve moved 37 times!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Make that 38!

3) Warning: I brake for animists.

4) I have always wanted to be referred to as The Lovely and Talented Perry Block.

5) I believe we have been visited by super intelligent extraterrestrials. But, believe it or not,
they didn’t even bring a bottle of wine, and after five centuries they still haven’t left!

6) I think you’re cute!

7) They threw me out of the University of Heidelberg! They called me mad!

2. Give the award out to other bloggers that you think are fabulous, interesting and deserving. Here's where I ran into a little bit of trouble. I've met many great bloggers that I really enjoy and respect out there on the http://www/, and I didn't want to piss any of them off so they'd unfollow me!

So to everyone else I know and love that I didn’t pick, you are all first runners-up! If any of the winners should be unable to fulfill their official duties over the coming year, you will all be elevated to Miss Versatile Blogger Catch-all Category Award America!
 

And Now The Winners, and Everybody Hold Your Applause Until The End:

1) Out of Order Alice.

Make no mistake, folks, Marisa Birns --- Out of Order Alice herself --- is such a good writer, you won’t even want to get the Cliff’s Notes. Depth of character, rich atmospherics, and endings to make O. Henry smack his forehead that he didn’t think of them – Marisa masters it all and usually in 500 words or less.

Just read one of her stories; it’s like a Lay’s Potato Chip, you can’t read just one. And if I’m dating myself with that reference, you get the point anyway, Nimrod. This chick rocks!

If I had her talent and could write like her, you better believe I wouldn’t even talk to the likes of you. So c’mon and start reading Marisa before she decides not to talk to you either!

2) Peevish Penman. 

Peevish Penman is a compendium of short fiction, commentary, insights about writing, author interviews, and lots of other stuff that’s neat-o and groovy. In the words of site ringmaster Ms. Penman herself (Carrie Bailey), Peevish is an exercise in and about “futility, charming, international league of antiquarian booksellers, kumquat, mature, and octagon.” I couldn’t agree more.

A representative offering from the Pen of Peevish is The Nine Parts of Speech, an invaluable guide on optimal usage of the English language for writing excellence, which will simultaneously impart in you an intense appreciation for the talents of its inventive writer along with an equally intense longing to wash her mouth out with soap.

3) K.D. McCrite, Author.
K.D. McCrite, Author features the words of Kathaleen McCrite (a/k/a kd McCrite), a talented novelist and short story writer who has given birth (well, not literally, you idiot!) to one of the internet’s more intriguing characters in Mae B, the writer who doesn’t write.

That’s not oxymoronic. Mae B is a procrastinator and ditherer who knows she’ll achieve great things if only she could get around to stop procrastinating and dithering.

In other words, she’s just like every one of us, if a bit more colorful and acerbic. One of these days, Mae B. will shock the world and actually take pen in hand. Who knows what will come out? The tripe we expect? Or a masterpiece? Either way she’ll hopefully inspire us to sit down and do the same. Really good stuff, kd!

4) Gonepausal.
Gonepausal, with Gail Maria Forrest as major domo, is not so much a blog site as a full-scale cottage industry tending to the needs of those generations of women (and men) who would like to shave a year or two off their ages. (I need to shave an entire Zach Galifianakis off mine!)

Gail has a deep understanding of the hopes, dreams, and generally thwarted desires of those of us who’ve been coming around the mountain ever since the mountain first formed from volcanic rock. Whether serving up relationship insights for the gray-haired or clueing us in on the sex life of a post Ward-June Cleaver, Gonepausal should be required reading for any one of us who's ever looked in the mirror and wished we hadn’t.

It’s hard to fathom how Gail --- who is only 27 herself --- understands all us Boomers and other post 30-ites so well!

5) Melinda Roos --- Understanding the Human Condition.
Melinda Roos is a writer’s writer. I was going to say she is a writer’s writer’s writer, but you know what? That doesn’t make any sense!

What does make sense, however, is Melinda’s gift for inviting us to join her in reflections on the human condition and the simple yet energizing life experiences most of us seem to miss. Whether she’s writing about the intricacies of modern marriage or contemplating the miracle of riding a horse on a gray country morning, it’s difficult not to be transported into Melinda’s world, if only for a moment.

There’s one other thing you ought to know about Melinda. She loves the “rock group” ABBA! But before you gasp too loudly, maybe it’s just part of her overall love for life. And you don’t have to like ABBA to like and appreciate Understanding the Human Condition.

Congratulations to each and every one of you guys on winning The Versatile Blogger Award!

 Now, think there's any booze left at that after party?  

I hope so, because my superego's sound asleep and my id is in the clear!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

* Not really. The Versatile Blogger Award, as it is in fact named, was actually given to me by author Julie Musil in her blog Writing and Blogging Between Carpools. Thank you again, Julie, for your kindness and your incredible lapse in judgment bordering on temporary insanity.

The Versatile Blogger Catch-All Category Award

Meryl Streep, resplendent in a black strapless evening gown, paused as she ripped the envelope asunder at the 2010 Versatile Blogger Awards Ceremony at Santa Monica's Eggland's Best Eggs Center.

“And the winner of The “Non-Vampiric/Non-Ain’t our Family Wacky?” Catch-all Category Award,” Ms. Streep began  “is ....

"No!  No!  Not THAT loser!!!”

Gasping for breath, Ms. Streep’s eyes met mine! All four of them exchanged cards, discovered they all vastly prefer when it’s better this way rather than better THIS way, and decided to meet for lunch on Thursday, splitting the check four ways.

“That loser?!” I bristled. “She’s got to mean me! But then … then that must mean I’m actually…. a winner!”

I was on the edge of my seat!  That's because I could only afford ¼ of a seat in the posh Eggland's Best Eggs Center, which wouldn’t have so bad had not 350 lb. Bruno Haldecker purchased the remaining ¾ of the seat.

“I hope ya win the stupid award, loser,” he wheezed, “so I can get me a couple a minutes on da damn seat alone!”

But I’ve gotten ahead of myself. Which is not surprising as I remember passing myself a couple of miles back on I-95;  boy, I had a lot of nerve driving so slowly in the left lane!

It all began last November.  My life filled to the brim with meaningful vocational and recreational endeavors and richly satisfying social intercourse with peers, colleagues, and close compadres, I decided the time was ripe to spend 7 - 8 hours a day on Twitter.

Ahh, yes, I well remember my first tweet:

“Twitter is the dirtiest sounding clean word in the English language.”

LMAO!!! If I do LMAO so myself!

I was tweeting my profundities at that time into a vast empty expanse of a Twitterverse ---similar to what I imagine to be the nature of the actual Universe, except the Twitterverse has order and purpose and a deity named Ashton Kutcher.

Before long, my first Twitterpal arrived in the form of a company that prints coupons for laundry detergent. Thrilled to have a follower at last, I began communicating frenetically through a series of warm, sensitive, and caring Direct Messages (also known as DMs, though I can’t for the life of me fathom why.)  Friendship formed, then love.  I pray our scheduled June wedding is still on, but I can’t confirm it because the coupon company has since unfollowed.

More Twitter friends arrived: foreign folk tweeting in a language composed of letters shaped like medieval implements of torture, Twitter sites featuring no tweets, 8,437 followers, and avatars created for the express purpose of eliciting enough male semen to flood a small city, and dudes who think Barak Obama is not only the agent of Satan but that he's screwing Satan by taking way too high a percentage!

In time, however, I began to obtain honest-to-goodness legit followers based on my perfection of the “Guilt Follow,” which proved so immensely successful at inflicting guilt in me that I have since confessed to virtually every felony ever committed in the city of Philadelphia.

Then one day I had an overpowering urge to blog!  After I drank a quart of Mylanta and pulled my head out of the toilet, I had another overpowering urge, this time to create a web page of my own unedited writings --- which curiously enough is referred to by a word that when spoken aloud makes the same disgusting sound as my earlier overpowering urge!

Go figure!

Perry Block - Nouveau Old, Formerly Cute hit the web in January 2010.  Early postings like The Lint in Your Navel: Friend or Foe? and The Short Lousy Life of Harry Truckman failed to connect with readers, but I later scored mightily with:

1)  Actuaries I Have Loved, 

2)  So What Do You Feel Like Doing Tonight, Nostradamus?,  in which I postulated that the entire body of Nostradamus’ prophecy foretells with stunning accuracy events in the life of actor Ernest Borgnine, and my masterpiece

3)  Gherkins! Gherkins!! GHERKINS!!!

And then in a stunning moment,  I was nominated for The 2010 Versatile Blogger “Non-Vampiric/Non-Ain’t our Family Wacky?” Catch-all Category Award. Y’ see, folks, virtually every blog on the internet concerns itself with either vampires or the blogger’s unshakable conviction that nothing's more entertaining to total strangers than tales of how the family's delightful third grader got ptomaine from Salisbury Steak served by Helga, the toothless lunch lady.

Since my blog had at no time employed the expressions “blood spouted from every orifice,” “his severed member,” or “wifey now nuzzling me towards bed (*wink*)” my nomination --- along with that of three other misguidedly themed blogs --- was assuredly assured.

Now let’s return to the Eggland's Best Eggs Center and gracious awards presenter Ms. Meryl Streep.

“And the winner of The “Non-Vampiric/Non-Ain’t our Family Wacky?” Catch-all Category Award,"  Ms. Streep uttered into the microphone " is ... is ... is ..... 

"No!  No!  Not THAT!!!  Loser!  Loser!!  I'M A LOSER???!! 

Stamping her feet like Rumplestiltskin when his secret name was outed (and when he was  later outed that second time as well),  Ms. Streep managed to catch hold of herself. 

"Yeah ... OK ... sure," she announced shakily, "the winner is Perry Block for his misguidedly themed blog, Perry Block - Nouveau Old, Formerly Cute.”

I leapt high in the air (what else was I going to leap high into --- a vat of Hellman’s Mayonnaise?), and as Bruno Haldecker expanded like Jabba the Hut across the whole of Seat 87 ZZ, I bounded to the podium. Prying the tarnished pewter statuette from Ms Streep’s rigid and highly resistant hands, I had a sudden impulse.

I kicked her hard in her left shin.

“What was that for?” she thundered!

“That’s for Mamma Mia, you whore!” I shot back.

Then I proceeded to thank everyone I have ever known in life,  which took a full 17 seconds because I prefaced my thanks with a long and boring anecdote.

Well, guess it’s time I advise you that the award-winning experience I’ve just shared has been lightly fictionalized for dramatic purposes.  Namely none of this ridiculous stuff ever happened.  Did I have ya goin'?

I was actually awarded the Versatile Blogger Award (along with a number of great bloggers) by a very cool  and talented writer, Julie Musil, who’s on Twitter at @JulieMusil.  Her blog is Writing and Blogging between Carpools.  

Thank you very much, Julie!

And as my true presenter, thank you also for having absolutely nothing to do with any version --- stage, screen, or otherwise ---- of Mamma Mia!

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The Versatile Blogger Award comes with a few select and distinguished duties that the recipient must perform.  I will shortly handle them with aplomb and dignity. 

And I promise I won't call anyone else a four letter word name in the doing!