Desperately Seeking Larry

My two year absence?  No good?

When last we saw Larry David on Curb Your Enthusiasm several years ago he was wandering the streets of Paris with good friend Leon. Even in another language, Larry's famous social maladroitness was tres magnifique! And then the scene faded out and Larry David faded away.  

And since then, I've been desperately seeking Larry!   

Larry David as depicted in Curb Your Enthusiasm is a Jewish gift to the world. He is a rich, successful guy who screws up worse than we do.  And watching him make a bigger idiot out of himself than we ever could makes us feel lots better about ourselves! 

What about watching some other comedies, you ask?  That would be fine were there Two and a Half Larrys, Saturday Night Larry, or America's Got Larry.  But no such shows exist, leaving me --- you guessed it --- desperately seeking Larry.

So how about you, friend?  Are you too desperately seeking Larry?

Top Ten Signs You Are Desperately Seeking Larry

1) Whenever anyone asks how you're doing, you invariably say "Pret-tay, Pret-tay Good!" even if you are in fact doing "Pret-tay, Pret-tay Lousy!" 

2) Seriously considering naming your next child "Marty Funkhouser" or at the least nicknaming him "The Funk."

3) Just launched a drive to have Larry replace Ben Affleck as Batman.

4) If only you didn't have such a thick bushy head of hair!

5) Hum the theme to Curb so incessantly you are being sued for copyright infringement by HBO. 

6) Own a black cat so you can pretend it's Richard Lewis.

7) Whenever you suspect someone of lying, you stare at them, tilt your head, the insinuating Curb music plays, and before long you know you're the fucking liar!

8) You've retained Jeff Green as your agent even though you're unemployed.

9) You refuse to respond to actress Cheryl Hines' constant begging for hot sex because how dare she dump Larry!?

10) So what did you think of this top ten list? Oh. Even the Seinfeld finale was better?

******

And so, Larry David, here we all are, each of us awaiting your return.  Please hurry back so we need desperately seek you no longer.  

You see, you're our social safety net.

Without you around, whenever we mess up, we mess up alone. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Seder With The Stars

You were expecting maybe Joseph Gordon-Levitt?

Ever wonder what a Seder would be like at the home of your favorite celebrity?  That is, assuming your favorite celebrity is Jewish.

Well, wonder no more.  If you’d like to experience Seder with the Stars, we’ve got a taste of it for you right here.  So enjoy, already!

From Comedy Central's World News Headquarters in New York City, this is  The Daily Show, Special Seder Edition with Jon Stewart

"Shalom!

Over the last several weeks, a video surfacing on the Internet depicting crimes and atrocities committed against thousands of people by a ruthless leader of an African country has gone viral.

It has garnered millions of hits on You-Tube, become a continuously trending topic on Twitter, and most importantly captured the imagination and indignation of both Justin Bieber and Kim Kardashian.

Who is this African leader and why haven't we heard more about him before?

His name is  Pharoah.

There have been many prior efforts to make people aware of Pharoah's heinous crimes. Every year, short political pamphlets known as Haggadahs recounting his actions are regularly circulated.  A delicious multi-course meal has sometimes been offered to entice people to listen to the brutal facts about this evil despot.

Even wine - as many as four intoxicating cups - has at times been provided!

But nothing has ever gotten the message out about Pharoah like the World Wide Web. Unfortunately, however, it's all too late now.   Pharaoh is already history!

Damn you, Al Gore!  If only you had invented the Internet 4,000 years earlier, we'd never have to change a dish!

Here's your Moment of Zen ......"

Larry David in Curb Your Enthusiasm for Charoses

"Now it's time for the youngest child to ask the Four Questions.  The only thing is:  at 64,  I'm the youngest child here. 

 So, what the hell, here goes!

Why is this night different from all other nights?  Aside from the fact we don't have burnt brisket and Susie Green for dinner every night.    

On all other nights we may eat either leavened or unleavened bread, but on this night we eat only unleavened bread.  C'mon, this is easy now ---  You shouldn't have to take notes on this one! 

On all other nights we may eat all kinds of herbs but on this night we eat only bitter herbs. It's only one night, so get over it! 

On all other nights we do not dip even once, but on this night we dip twice.   Frankly, I dip three or four times!   I'm a dipping guy!   

On all other nights, we eat sitting or reclining but on this night we sit reclining, but I can't eat reclining because it gives me heartburn.   Frankly I'm not much of a reclining guy.  I'm more of a dipping guy.

So how about I dip and you recline?" 

Woody Allen Directs Midnight in Miami Beach

The Haggadah speaks of "four sons" --- the Wise Son, the Wicked Son, the Simple Son, and the Son Who Does Not Know Enough to Inquire.

Now how would I cast these parts for my next movie, Annie Leibovitz? 

I would have to play the Wise Son because I am always asking weighty questions like 'What is the meaning of the Universe?' and 'What is the Ultimate Good?' and  'Can I get into Sarah Lawrence if I ask questions like these in the essay on the application?'

Or should I play the Wicked Son?   After all, I've always wanted to drink from Elijah's cup while his back was turned.  If only he weren't invisible, so I could tell when that was.

No, I think I should be the Simple Son.  After all, I did flunk out of Hebrew School over a test on the Ten Plagues.  I knew I shouldn't have counted Adam Sandler movies as six of them.

But the Son who doesn't know a damn thing?  That's easy.  I could cast half of Washington in that role.

Or all of Hollywood." 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Not a Member of the Tribe?

Elijah the Prophet --- Biblical Figure said to attend every Seder everywhere. We leave a glass of wine out for him when he makes his gala but invisible entrance.  And somehow it always seems to get drained!

Four Questions --- youngest child asks these questions at the Seder.  Adults who haven't been to synagogue in over 35 years  fumble for the answers. 

Four Sons ---  If you answered Tim Considine, Don Grady, Barry Livingstone, and Stanley Livingston (or Mike, Robby, Chip, and Ernie), you are clearly a Boomer and just as clearly not Jewish. 

Four Glasses of Wine --- Why did you think this holiday was popular anyway? 

My Tweeting with Larry

P-r-e-t-t-y,  P-r-e-t-t-y  Weird!

I couldn’t believe my eyes!

I was dumbstruck, totally in awe at what I saw on the computer screen!

Or was I awestruck, totally in dumb at what I saw on the computer screen?  Nah, I’ll go with the first one.

"Larry David (@LarryDavidMVY) is following you on Twitter”

 
…. flashed the message on my PC screen, complete with the above grinning avatar/picture of the bald Jewish sixty-ish comedy icon with whom I have absolutely nothing in common except, of course, for the icon part.

I wondered how this actually could be. Frankly I’d be thrilled if @Carrottop were following me!

But Larry David!

The day that Larry David allegedly followed me on Twitter will forever remain etched in my memory.  And if you've never had your memory etched, boy, you've no idea how much it hurts! It was July 19, 2011, and still I need a Motrin now and then.

 When I saw the amazing e-mail notice, I immediately clicked over to the Twitter page of @LarryDavidMVY to check it all out. There atop a handful of tweets was the grinning LD following approximately 70 random twitterers who --- upon closer inspection --- proved for the most part to be a rather motley crew of losers, miscreants, and cretins.

All very much like myself.

Not ten minutes earlier I had tweeted something about Larry David, and apparently Alleged LD  had chosen to follow those tweeters who had recently cared enough to send their very best. Well, that explained the ragtag raft of followers --- me as well as the guy whose Twitter page was dedicated to the proposition that not only is Barack Obama the Anti-Christ, he’s hopelessly incompetent at it as well.

 I quickly typed out:
 

“Got notice that @LarryDavidMVY is following me. Sure! If this is the real Larry David, it'll be the first time I've ever orgasmed over a man ...”

I wasn't lying.  If the Real Larry David were actually following me on Twitter, not only would I have literally orgasmed over a man, it would have doubtless been the paramount sexual experience of my life,  good for me and good for just about anybody else I've ever met --- including you!

On the other hand, if @LarryDavidMVY was a pimple-strewn social deviant alone in a  room overflowing with pictures of himself dressed as Jabba the Hut photoshopped together with George Lukas, well, then sex with you might even have the edge! 

Within a few seconds, Alleged LD tweeted back the following:

@PerryBlock  Funny....over a man funny

OMG!  COULD IT BE?  

... could it be, yes it could … something’s coming something good…

I tweeted back:

"But you couldn't possibly be Larry David. God isn't that kind to the Jews."

And @LarryDavidMVY tweeted: 

@PerryBlock Funny...you are funny

Anybody out there have any idea how to bronze a tweet?

@LarryDavidMVY's tenure's on Twitter didn’t last long, and by August 1 he'd tweeted his last.  So there isn’t any way to know if I was truly tweeting with the Kosher King of Cable Comedy or with Jabba the Hut’s less lithe and lovely cousin.  

But most Twitter imposters try to fool you by staying in your face and  imitating the imposteree in an engaging manner.  @LarryDavidMVY vanished from Twitter like a box of Mallomars left unattended in a sorority house and tweeted like he didn't want to get pinned, let alone engaged.

Most people don't know that Real LD answers "Martha, my dear," if you ask his favorite island, yet Alleged LD put "MVY" in his Twittername  and followed a number of tweeters viable only on the vaunted Vineyard. 

Of Alleged LD's 22 tweets,  two of them for me were p-r-e-t-t-y p-r-e-t-t-y good!  The other 20 were about as interesting as Martha'sVineyard after a monsoon at midnight.
If @LarryDavidMVY was the work of an imposter, this guy was the lousiest imposter since ABBA attempted to pass themselves off as a musical group, or Hayden Christianson as an actor.

Know what, @LarryDavidMVY?

Here's hoping you were the Real Deal.   But whoever you were,  be you genius or goofball,  maven or moron,  icon or idiot .... 

Considering how entertaining you were, lucky for you I didn't unfollow your ass!

And, BTW, I chose Cheryl.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Welcome Summer!

Are you ready for the Summer?

Welcome, Summer, my favorite time of year!

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways …

What I truly love about summer are burnished memories of that school bell ringing on an afternoon in mid-June, spelling liberation from the annual trials and tribulations of reading, writing, and getting beaten up by the fifth grade girls.

“No more classrooms, no more books, no more teacher’s dirty looks” was truly a rallying cry in a time when teacher’s dirty looks meant a disapproving glare because eating your homework had become a regular part of your dog's diet rather than an ardent and soulful “Come hither, Timmy, you do so remind me of Colin Firth!”

And it seemed incredible that even as we grew older and school was displaced by a new type of daily endeavor that didn’t recognize that it ought to come to a full two and a half month hiatus in mid-June every year, the feeling of Summer as a liberation still remained with me for years to come.

Until one year in the 1980’s when it stopped as dead as the career of a moderate in the Republican Party!

And then it seemed incredible that although the feeling of Summer Liberation was gone forever, continuing unto the present day was and is that recurrent nightmare that I'm still in school, facing an enormous final I haven't studied for, and will be sold into life-long bondage to the goofiest six members of the school's Audio-Visual Club if I flunk!

But what I truly love about Summer is the wonderful warm weather!

What can match the joy of knowing you can go outside anytime without a thought to the elements, aside from my usual obsessing about cadmium,  and never have to worry about bundling up? 

Yes, that six second walk from air conditioned house to air conditioned car when it’s 81 degrees out is so incredibly more comfortable than that six second walk from heated house to heated car when it’s 18, don't you agree?

And the great weather brings with it a whole complement of outdoor fun with camping, boating, fishing, and the mountains!

Of course, I get nauseous whenever I climb aboard any type of nautical vessel, camping may involve spiders!, fishing is cruel and heartless …. to the fish, I might point out, as well as to me …. and mountains, well, I have fear of heights whenever I step on a scale in the drug store to check my weight and fortune.

But what I truly love about Summer is hitting that beach!

Though it’s strange how global warming --- violently unleashed all throughout the globe --- has so far failed to make its way to New Jersey, where the ocean water remains so arctic even the jellyfish opt anymore mostly for mini-golf. 

Who the jellyfish are leaving behind to sting folks in the water I don’t know, but I’ll bet they’re pleased with the progress reports they’re getting on days I venture out into the limb numbing, teeth chattering, something-I’m-not-engaged-to-just-grabbed-my-leg foaming surf and brine.

But back relaxing on the beach, feet in the sand, sun overhead, and all’s well! 

That is, until the copperhead flies begin dive bombing me in the same precipitous trajectory as a Ben Affleck movie the week after release, the sun bakes the top of my insufficiently hair-cushioned head such that Poppin' Fresh dinner rolls all but pop out the top of my scalp, and sand granules settle intractably between both of my contact lenses and my adjacent eyeballs until droves of passing young bikini–clad women cannot help but utter:

“Look, that elderly man is crying!  It must be tough to be that goofy looking and that old!”

But what I truly love about Summer is sitting here in my highly air conditioned den, beer in hand, serene in the knowledge that this July the new season of Curb Your Enthusiasm will finally hit HBO!

After that, there’s not much happening on TV until the Fall.

Ahhh, the Fall!

How do I love thee?  Let me count the ways ….

~~~~~~~~~