Dracula 2015 - An Epistolary Novel

Yes, it will be my pleasure to poke you!

An epistolary novel is a novel written as a series of documents such as letters, diary entries, and newspaper clippings.  Printed in 1897, Dracula by Bram Stoker is one of most well-known epistolary novels, compiled entirely of letters, diary entries, newspaper clippings, telegrams, doctor's notes, ship's logs, and the like.

But what if Dracula were written today?

Jonathan Harker's Twitter

                  
Jonathan Harker @HarkMan
WOOT!  Transylvania will be awesome! Dude named Dracula texted me &      I'm off!  Luv u, @Mina_HotChick! ♥ ♥ ♥!!!!  

Jonathan Harker @HarkMan
On train thru Carpathian Mts.  Peasant women here look pretty except when u get near them, they all look like actor Jonah Hill in a babushka! 


 Jonathan Harker @HarkMan
 Frightened old lady in hotel heard me talk of Dracula and put crucifix  around my  neck!    WTF?  #DontTellRabbiMishkin


 Jonathan Harker @HarkMan
 On coach to Borgo Pass.  Odd; other passengers outdoing one another  pointing at me, clutching throats, & making gagging sounds!    Woohoo!


 Jonathan Harker @HarkMan
 Have arrived at crumbling old Castle Dracula. Place could use work.    Nothing that a coat of paint & 6 wrecking balls couldn't  cure! #WhataDump  

Jonathan Harker @HarkMan
Starting to think visiting Dracula may turn out to be as much fun as attending same-sex wedding w/ Justice Scalia!  :-(    :-(    :-(   

Dracula's Twitter

Dracula@Fangsalot46
I am @Fangsalot46.   I tweet you welcome, @HarkMan! #SpidertotheFly


Dracula@Fangsalot46
Woohoo, I luv Twitter!  I have over 17,000 followers. Of course, most of them follow me with torches, pitchforks, and pickaxes!  LOL!!!  :-)



Dracula@Fangsalot46
How about giving me a retweet on that one, @HarkMan?  I get more RTs than Kim Kardashian's bare ass ever did!  #AskTheNearestZombie


Dracula@Fangsalot46
WOOT! The Childen of the Night; What music they make!  Wait,  I'm sensing a boy band here ....  https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Backstreet_Boys

Dracula@Fangsalot46
Make yourself at home,@HarkMan! Tomorrow there will be breakfast, and since this is Twitter, with bacon & copious amounts of coffee!    

             

Dracula@Fangsalot46
No, I never drink .... coffee.  Just sayin' .   

            
Dracula@Fangsalot46
I bid you good night, @HarkMan.  Sleep tight, don't let the bedbugs bite. That's my job!  LMFAO!  #WannaNeck?   

Jonathan Harker's Facebook

Jonathan Harker

Dearest Mina.  I must now communicate via Facebook because the Count is a Tweethead! What's worse, he LOLs his own jokes and insists I give him RTs! Dracula is a bizarre diseased creature who recoils at the sight of a crucifix, casts no reflection in a mirror, and roots for the Phillies!  Oh, Mina, please comfort me by posting a picture of Pedals, our adorable kitten! 

 Mina Murray's Facebook

Mina Murray

Of course, dearest Jonathan! Here is  our sweet Pedals, all dressed up like a vampire from last Halloween!

  

Jonathan Harker's Facebook

Jonathan Harker
Mina, remind me when I get back we have to talk about our relationship!

Dracula's  Facebook

 Dracula

So you are on Facebook too, my dear young sir?  Please friend me, then I will poke you.  Believe me, I will poke you!!!  (And Go, Phils!) 

Jonathan Harker's LinkedIn

 Jonathan Harker

Current Position:Solicitor (Living) 

Next Position: Solicitor (?)

Mina, the count is an ardent Facebooker too! I must now communicate through LinkedIn.  Nobody but nobody uses LinkedIn, especially people who want to get a job.

Dracula's LinkedIn

Dracula
Previous Position: Sucking the Blood of Crusaders
Current Position: Free Lance Blood Sucker (No, not an attorney)

Good Evening, Mr. Harker! Note that I have already endorsed you for European travel, real estate development, and Deliciousness! I am afraid you are out of luck now with social networks, unless you want to use JDate!

Jonathan Harker's Twitter   

               

   Jonathan Harker @HarkMan
 @Mina_HotChick! Had a tete a tete w/ the Count & all is fine. You will be a bite ... I mean, sight ... for sore eyes!  Luv u!  ♥ ♥ ♥!!!! #WannaNeck?

End.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I Was Just Seventeen ...

by Perry Block 

 Yet another in that never-ending series of movies in which a parent and child switch bodies. This one, however, will cost you nothing and is mercifully brief!

As presented in three acts on the New York Stage

 at the Helen Hayes Theatre.
(No truth to the rumor that Helen Hayes actually got up and walked out.) 

Cast of Characters

Perry Block, 61 years old 
Brandon Block, 17 years old

Leona Bushman,  the Hottest Girl in All the Eleventh Grade
Benji
First Teen
Second Teen

ACT I 

It's  morning about 7:30 at Perry Block's residence.   Perry sits in the kitchen at the PC with the television  on.  His 17 year old son Brandon enters the room to grab something to eat and head to school.

Brandon:  Hi, Dad.   Say, you don't usually watch The Today Show in the morning. 

Perry:  No,  I just wanted to get my last minute fix of  Ann Curry before they axe her for not being as smart or attractive as Al Roker.

Brandon:  I see. Anything interesting in the news? 

Perry: There was a bizarre story about some guy addicted to LinkedIn.  Pathetic! 

Brandon: What are they doing for him?

Perry: The doctors are gradually weaning him off LinkedIn and getting him addicted to Facebook and Twitter, like normal people.

Brandon: Hope it helps.  (pause)  Hey, Dad, have you seen this?

Brandon produces from his pocket as jagged oblong stone several inches long.

Perry: That looks oddly like Sara Jessica Parker's profile, only less equine.  Where did you find it?

Brandon: Out back last night.  It was glowing in the darkness.

Perry:  Oh my God!  That could be a cosmic relic left over from the original Big Bang, some 15 billion years ago!  

Brandon:  Really? 

Perry:  Or it might have dropped out of some kid's Happy Meal. 

Brandon:  I picked it up because it  looks like the kind of object that could do magical things. Like cause people to change identities in those movies where parents and kids change places. 

Perry: (laughs)  If only that could be!  Even for a day. 

Brandon:  As they say, careful what you wish for ....

Perry: How many of those stupid movies did they make anyway?

Perry approaches the stone with a growing fascination. 

Brandon: Well, let's see: There's Freaky Friday, Vice Versa, Like Father Like Son, 18 Again, 17 Again, two remakes of Freaky Friday, the similarly themed  Big ... there must be thousands!  

Perry:  What if there were just one more?  (begins singing, if you could call it that)  I was just 17.   You know what I mean.   And the way I looked was way beyond compair-aire!  

As Perry sings (if you could call it that), the stone begins to glow a bright green.  Both Perry and Brandon begin to squirm, make goofy faces, and act weird.  Nothing new for Perry.

Brandon:  Dad, what's happening? I'm feeling faint ... feeling strange ...

Perry: I warned you about the sushi at Miguel's Little Touch of Tijuana!

The lights flicker on and off several times.  When they remain on at last, we witness Brandon with a smirk on his face and Perry looking like someone dropped the world's largest goldfish down his pants.     

Perry is now in Brandon's body (the audience sees Brandon).  Brandon is now in Perry's body (the audience sees Perry.)  I know what you're thinking --- what audience?

Brandon (as Perry):  I feel awful.  I feel neurotic and insecure.  I need therapy.  I need a blankie!   Dad, how do you feel?

Perry (as Brandon):  Ready to rock and roll!  

ACT II

Perry (as Brandon)  walks through the hallways at the high school  looking  giddy as a schoolgirl!  Although he is actually a schoolboy --- that's just an expression.  We're not going to pull a gender swap on you too!

Perry (as Brandon):  Wow!  Look at all these young people!  And I'm  one of them!

First Teen:  Hi-ya, Brandon!  How are ya?

Second Teen:  Bran, my man!  What's  goin' down?

Third Teen (Benji) :  Bran, over here!  Got somethin' to talk to you about!

Perry (as Brandon): Ah, to be popular again!  (pauses)  What am I saying?  I was never popular.   I was voted "Most Likely to Be Voted Least Likely."

Everywhere, from all sides, Perry (as Brandon) is eating up the attention and acceptance. 

Perry (aside) OMG, look at that one!  Why, she must be The Hottest Girl in All the Eleventh Grade!   And ... and ...  she's coming this way!

Leona: (flirty)  Hi, Brandon ....

Perry (as Brandon):  (clumsily trying to be flirty back)  Hullo!  No, no ....  I mean Helll-OOO!   No, no .... I mean  Hey There, Hi There, Ho There!  (idiotically going into the Mickey Mouse Club Theme Song from the 50's TV show.)

Leona:  Somthing wrong, Brandon? 

Perry (as Brandon):  No, just clearing my throat ...

Leona: Brandon, I wanted to say that being together yesterday was great!  I can't believe we did EVERYTHING!

Perry (as Brandon):  (clueless) Yes, it certainly was great!   Doing EVERYTHING is always so ... (pause)  wait a minute ... what?  

Leona:  I can't believe we did EVERYTHING! 

Perry (as Brandon):  That's right, of course.  We did EVERYTHING.   Umm ... what did we do?

Leona: (giggles) Silly!  You know.  EVERYTHING!  

Perry: (high-pitched) You mean, EVERYTHING  as in EVERYTHING  EVERYTHING???!!!  

Leona: (playful) I was really hoping this afternoon we could ... you know, do some more! 

Perry (as Brandon)  More EVERYTHING?!!  No, no, Brandon can't ... I mean, I can't do any more EVERYTHING today!  Or any day!  I ... umm ... have to be in the synagogue!  

Leona: The synagogue?

Perry (as Brandon): Yes, yes, I'm becoming Orthodox!  Actually, an Orthodox rabbi!  I won't be available for the next six months ...  I mean, six years! 

Leona:  Brandon, are you feeling well?

Perry (as Brandon):  Just swell!  Gotta go!  Coming, Yahweh!

As Perry breaks away from Leona, he stumbles into Benji.

Benji:  Brandon, comin' over to my house later?  We've got another batch of that Great Shit we had last weekend. 

Perry (as Brandon):  (intrigued) Great Shit?

Benji:  Yeah,  remember?  Last week we had to scrape you off the ceiling it was so awesome!

Perry (as Brandon): (flustered) Oh .... that Great Shit!  That awesome! Well, thanks so much, but I've got to cut down on my scraping!  Doctor's orders!

Breaking away from Benji, Perry is buffeted about by the other students in the hallway, finding himself face to face with two kids sitting at a desk in front of a poster that reads "FUTURE TEA BAGGERS OF AMERICA."

Perry (as Brandon):  And you two .... Don't even think about it!

Perry (as Brandon) races out of the school.  

ACT III

Perry (as Brandon) bursts into house.  Finds Brandon (as Perry)  dressed in ill-fitting workout clothing attempting unsuccessfully to touch his toes.

Perry (as Brandon):   Brandon, we've got to switch back!

Brandon (as Perry): I'll say.   Being in this body makes a night in the Bates Motel seem like a weekend at the Four Seasons.

Perry (as Brandon): Well, you shouldn't expect to be able to touch my toes right away.

Brandon (as Perry): Touch your toes?  I can't even wave to your knees!

Perry (as Brandon): (changing tone) You've got some things to answer for, mister! 

Brandon (as Perry):  (surprised) Like what? 

Perry (as Brandon):  Like doing EVERYTHING yesterday afternoon with Leona Bushman, the Hottest Girl in All the Eleventh Grade!

Brandon (as Perry): Doing everything yesterday afternoon with Leona Bushman, the Hottest Girl in All the Eleventh Grade?

Perry (as Brandon):  I didn't do EVERYTHING with ANYBODY until I was twenty-fou ... umm,  umm .... I mean, a little bit older than you,  and it was a considerably worse looking ANYBODY that I did EVERYTHING with and probably a considerably worse EVERYTHING with ANYBODY that I did! 

Brandon (as  Perry):  (calmly)  Dad, we did EVERYTHING on the book report we've been working on together in the library this week. We were going to do more today for extra credit.

Perry (as Brandon): (deflated) Oh.  (picking up intensity again)  But stay away from that kid with the Great Shit so awesome they have to scrape you off the ceiling!

Brandon (as Perry): You mean, Benji?  His mom's dynamite chocolate chip cookies?  Why?

Perry (as Brandon): (deflated) Oh.  (picking up intensity again)  But stay away from ...

Brandon (as Perry):  .... of course I have no intention of signing up for the Future Tea Baggers of America.  

Perry (as Brandon):  Oh. (mildly) Glad we had this little chat. 

Brandon (as Perry):  I've got an idea.  (approaches the stone and begins singing, if you can call it that)  I was just seventeen, you know what I mean ...

The stone begins to glow and in a instance the two are returned to their proper bodies. Each breathes a sigh of relief.

Brandon:  So, glad that's over!  Being 61 was about as much fun as looking 61.   

 Perry: Yeah, well ... hey! (shoots him a look)  Y'know, I didn't like being 17 either.

Brandon: You didn't?

Perry: I didn't particularly enjoy passing up on things I would have enjoyed because I don't want you to enjoy them.  At least, not yet.

Brandon: That didn't make any sense.

Perry:  It did to me.

Brandon:  Know what, Dad?  We ought to get rid of that stone.  Like Harry does with  Voldemort's wand at the end of Harry Potter. 

Perry: Well, let's not be so hasty!  Maybe we could ... umm ... try it again, but instead of with you maybe with one of your friends who's kind of riff raffy?

Brandon:  Nah, I'm going to take it and throw it in the trash dump, Dad.  And then I'm off to the library.

Perry:  Sure.  (a bit sadly)  Say hi to the Hottest Girl in All the Eleventh Grade.

Brandon leaves. Perry gives a peculiar look, gets out the telephone book, and dials.

Perry:  Hi, is this Benji's dad?  Hello, this is Perry, Brandon Block's dad.  Y'know, Brandon's been bragging  about the chocolate chip cookies your wife makes,  and I wondered ...   Oh! She does bake cookies.  Happy to send me some? Scrape me off the ceiling, you say?  Thank you so much.

Perry hangs up. 

Perry:  DAMN!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Its Name is Placebook

Everyone just loves the new Placebook!

In the wake of Weinergate, the newest social network hit the World Wide Web late last night!

Its name is Placebook.  

Placebook provides a forum for participants to exchange candid pictures of very special places they hope other participants will have a strong hankering to visit. Having a keen interest in social media, I decided to take a good hard look at Placebook and see what it's whipped out so far to participants.  I googled Placebook, and with burgeoning excitement I climbed aboard the site and entered it!

Placebook is a bit different from most of the other social media networks you're probably familiar with. On Twitter, you follow other participants.  In Facebook, you friend them. When you're on Placebook, you end them. Some of the folks on Placebook have already ended dozens of other people! 

After some time I was successful in ending three people, all nice fellas who appear to be incarcerated. My new Placebook buddies are already sending me pictures of a few places I can't say I'd ever want to visit, but which at least give me perspective as to why Jewish guys have such a hard time getting chicks. As in Facebook, Placebook has a "poke" feature. Unlike as in Facebook,  in Placebook the concept of having a "poke" feature actually makes sense.

I know what you're thinking.  "I'm already on Twitter, Facebook, and LinkedIn.  Why do I need Placebook?" 

Because, my friend, social media literally defines our times.  You don't want to be caught short, dicking around, or labeled a putz.  And ironically those are the names of the three other special features Placebook offers along with poke to those who choose to thrust themselves firmly through its portals.

And I used to think Twitter sounded dirty!

~~~~~~~~~~

What Can Be Done, WILL be Done

With all new Tweet Waiting!

If there’s one thing the WikiLeaks controversy has proven, it’s that a joke with a punch line about Depends is never further away than just 'round the corner.

It has also proven that in today’s technological world, What can be done, WILL be done, usually by a person of enterprising mind and jerky personality. This holds true whether the accomplishment cures dreaded disease, provides needed sustenance for millions, or threatens the future of the free world so that we may all learn that Kim Jong-un is thought of by State Department officials as “kinda pudgy.”

Recently the PC-age magazine Where the Nerds Are reported on several fascinating new features being deployed right now to render the world’s three major social networks more fun, dynamic, and time wasting than ever before!

 

TWEET WAITING

Now never miss an incoming tweet simply because you’re currently enmeshed in one received earlier which fascinatingly informs you the tweeter is waiting for a bus in Wichita KS. Tweet Waiting provides you with immediate notice of an incoming 140 character or less missive, enabling you to cause the first tweet to freeze faster than you do every time you try to put the moves on a member of the opposite sex.

Flip over to the incoming tweet and see if it’s more interesting or sage than the first one and/or more adroitly employs the word "fuck" such that you think it’s funny even though there’s actually no semblance of a joke there whatsoever!

No? It’s from @Crudface99 with an avatar that looks like a close-up of the love child of comedian Andy Dick and conservative pundit Ben Stein? Well, then click back to that first tweet to see at what street corner in Wichita the first tweeter's waiting for that bus, offending for life @Crudface99, who turns out to be your new boss!

FANTASY LINKEDIN

Imagine the fun amongst you and your pals after you stoke up this new standard LinkedIn feature, draft all the human capital for your corporate teams, and PLAY Fantasy L-i-n-k-e-d-I-n!!

”You’re nuts, man! Your Finance and Accounting Department is pure crap! Sure, Accounting Director Myra Kirschbaum had a decent last fiscal year, but she has serious gaps in her GAAP and you desperately need a solid month-end closer!”

“Yeah, dude, but I just drafted a great Director of HR, Lemuel Gustaffson, who went 12-4 last year against the league leading sexual harassment complainants!”

Let the corporate games begin!

FACEBOOK WARTS 'N ALL SURROUND

No matter who you friend or how you friend, the result’s the same: you’re only getting the tip of the iceberg. You experience the apparent wit, intelligence, and cool of your Facebook companion, but not the depth and richness of the flesh and blood human being just an electronic impulse away.

With Warts 'n All Surround, special censors provide you with every negative, disgusting, and/or abhorrent trait or habit lurking within your Facebook friend --- from his rancid breath to her latent anti-Semitism --- giving you the full interpersonal experience that Facebook has until now so sorely lacked.

And just wait until your Facebook friend gets dumped by his girlfriend and the special Complaint Control feature automatically shuts down! As the hours pass, you’ll find yourself with three sensitive clickable responses:

*** Yes, I’m here for you, buddy! Though it would be nice if I could briefly get off line for my son’s Bar Mitzvah. As a point of reference, he’s now 7…

*** Okay, I got it, I got it!  She's one goddamn, no good C-word bitch!!! Can we move on .... please?

*** No question about it, you were just too good for her all along! Uhh, mind if I ask her out?

Yep, all these exciting new social networking features are coming to you courtesy of the overarching technological principle that What can be done, WILL be done.

Now if you don’t mind, I’ve got Fantasy LinkedIn draft in a couple of minutes.

And guess what? I’m drafting Julian Assange!

After all, if it can be done, he WILL do it!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~