March Madness!

According to the weather forecast this weekend, the old adage "March comes in like a lion" is about to be proven true. A big snowstorm is predicted for the Northeast on March 2.

But after that, everything's changed.  Forecasters have advised that instead of "going out like a lamb," March this year is set to go out "like a  badly scuffed pair of brown wingtips which need repair but are not yet ready to be disposed of." 

Why?  It's the impact of climate change.   Many predictors think that next year March will come in "like comedian and actor Tracy Morgan" and go out "like somebody talented." Others believe March will come in "like a plate of cold lasagna" and go out "like sex with Renee Zellweger," which may not represent that much change.

"It's anybody's guess what happens," says Jim Cantore of the Weather Channel. "All the computer models differ based on the flow of  the Gulf Stream, the dew points on the Equator, and the number of Baby Boomers who think Channing Tatum is a girl.  It's my personal belief that we're due for a succession of years in which 'March comes in like a set of Louis Vuitton Luggage and goes out like my cousin Milt Vanderberg, who hasn't held a steady job in years.'"

And what has happened to the Lion and Lamb? 

"Looks like the Lion and the Lamb have laid down together,"  says Cantore. "And next year it's quite possible 'March will come in like a wholly new breed of half lion/half lamb and go out like the Lamb's attorney chasing the Lion as fast as he damn well can!'"

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Laughter, the Best Medicine

As has oft been said and is often quite true,  Laughter is the Best Medicine.

Laughter is not for everyone.

In some people, Laughter may cause the formation of small globules of saliva on the lips and sides of the mouth that may fling into the air and strike persons within close personal proximity thereby engendering  humiliation and social ostracism,  especially when such occurrence takes place at a business meeting, clandestine sexual encounter, or other social occasion. 

The drinking of water or other beverage immediately before Laughter may result in a gushing  projection of water or other beverage directly into the faces of persons in such similar close proximity, such occurrence often referred to as  a "spit take" originally made popular on network television in the 1950's on the television program The Danny Thomas Show.

Discontinue Laughter immediately if use should occur in conjunction with  (1)  a motion picture directed by the Farrelly Brothers, (2)  a motion picture or  television program starring and/or featuring actor Kevin James,  or (3) a  stand-up comedy performance by "image-changing in a moronic fashion" actor/comedian Bob Saget,  and immediately contact a physician or other health care professional.  

NEVER USE  Laughter one hour before,  after,  or during a stand-up comedy performance by Tracy Morgan, an "actor" and "comedian" fortunate to have a recurrent role on the television program 30 Rock because the program's creator Tina Fey for some unfathomable reason likes him. 

If use of Laughter should occur during any one of  such instances, IMMEDIATELY flush mouth, diaphragm, and brain and call for an ambulance to the nearest medical facility as such condition left untreated  may be fatal. 

Approximately 24% of all persons will upon the use or administration of Laughter simultaneously emit an unpleasant high pitched wheezing sound or staccato guttural barking sound which will result in unceremonious dumping by one's usually relatively new boyfriend or girlfriend within the next four to 24 hours.

Alcohol may intensify the effect of Laughter. Use of Laughter in conjunction with alcohol is therefore HIGHLY RECOMMENDED WHENEVER POSSIBLE.

Ask your doctor if Laughter is right for you.  

And if permitted by your doctor or other  health care professional, always chose the Generic Laughter over Brand name versions.  

It is much cheaper.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

The Little Emoticon

תי:

The Little Emoticon had a smile
that could cheer up just about anybody
 .... except you! 

Another Modern Children's Classic
By Perry Block

One upon a time, there was a very nice and kindly man named Gil Petto who lived in a pleasant little town named Collodiville, somewhere far, far away. 

When he was young, Gil had tried to find success as an actor, but he was continually cast in subpar theatrical productions such as The Smell of Music, Rent with an Option to Buy, and Spiderman: Turn Off the Reviews. He retired from show business to become an accountant only to discover he was allergic to the number "8."  Finally he found a career for himself selling used dental floss.

Gil had been unlucky in love as well. For most of his life, he had dreamed of a wife and family. He especially wanted to have a son, but he would have been content with a butch daughter as well.

Marital bliss, however, was not to be. Gil married an attractive but pretentious woman who, knowing Gil was a failed actor and accountant who sold used dental floss, naturally planned for their home in the Hamptons to be constructed in a sort of Beaux Arts style as contrasted with the retro decor of the mansion in Majorca.

After a few years and about the time that Gil's wife was beginning to realize that "biggie sizing" was to be a twice yearly "hell to the winds" frivolity, she  assuaged her frustration by taking a series of lovers. Although Gil was by nature a patient man, the discovery that fading male model Fabio now ran a home remodeling business and had signed on for a year-long renovation of his wife's panties did cause some concern.

The final straw came the day that Gil arrived home early only to find the Kansas City Chiefs and the Norman Luboff Choir arguing over who had dibs to the upstairs hall bathroom.

Crestfallen, Gil retired to a solitary life, spending virtually all his time on Twitter. But though he was lonely  --- as one tends to be when your best friends are @aplusk, @andersoncooper, and @crudface99 --- Gil did come to enjoy fashioning and implementing emoticons, those cute little smiley faces composed of keyboard keystrokes that function as the virtual laugh track of the social networking world.

(Note#1:  I may copyright that phrase. Hands off!)

One evening shortly before bed, Gil wrote a tweet he hoped would be entertaining but which frankly made Tracy Morgan's standup seem like The Daily Show with Jon Stewart. Gil knew that he would need a very special emoticon indeed to accompany such a tweet to con people into actually thinking it was funny.

Though not himself Jewish, Gil wanted to use the letters for the expression chai which represents L'Chaim or "to life."  Those letters are actually a het and a yud,  but Gil knew little of the Hebrew alphabet so he mistakenly typed the similar-to-het-looking letter tav.

(Note #2: So I tweaked things a bit. Whaddya going to do, call my rabbi?!!)

Gil tenderly accessed the two Hebrew letters from MS Word Symbols and gently added a simple English language colon.  And when he had completed all the keystrokes needed to create the special emoticon, like Dr. Frankenstein but without the crazed look and wild hair, he gazed upon his creation.

"My Little Emoticon!" he cried aloud. "You are beautiful!   Well, maybe not exactly Justin Bieber but ....."  

And this is what he saw:

תי:

The Little Emoticon had the happiest most cheerful smile ever, a smile which couldn't help but make even the most miserable, curmudgeonly, and misanthropic among us feel happy and cheerful too! 

Well, maybe not you.  

Gil applied The Little Emoticon to his pathetically unfunny tweet, and sure enough it became as funny as the movie Role Models starring Paul Rudd and Seann Michael Scott, also starring Jane Lynch.

And Gil was thrilled that The Little Emoticon was half Jewish as well.

"However, I do hope, My Little Emoticon,"  said Gil, "that you turn out to be Jewish only above the waist, not below!"

When Gil got into bed, he said aloud:

"If only The Little Emoticon could be real boy! Or a butch female, but all things being equal, I'd prefer a boy."

Nighttime passed and a blue shadow spread itself softly across Gil's PC, accompanied by the faint fluttering of wings. It was 7:00 A.M. when Gil, not quite awake, heard a voice.

"Dad?  Dad?  Is that you?" said the voice.

Through the early morning haze, Gil saw a figure. It was five feet tall, composed entirely of keyboard keystrokes, and half Jewish!   Though at this early stage of development, no telling which half was Jewish.

"Emo!  Emo! Is it really you? Or is it Memorex?"  cried Gil, overjoyed at what had taken place but also clearly showing his age as well as the reason his tweets sucked so badly and were so unfunny.

Gil Petto's impossible dream had come true ....

At first everything was wonderful.  The Little Emoticon was as gentle, sweet, and kind as his happy, cheerful smile would suggest.  He always did everything Gil asked him, ate all his vegetables including arugula, and graciously appeared in all Gil's tweets, no matter how totally and pathetically lame and unfunny they were.

However, when he went to school The Little Emoticon, being made up of keyboard keystrokes rather than flesh and blood, was made fun of by the other children. They called him mean nicknames like "Num Lock," and  told him that he would never be man enough to  "Enter," Insert," and "Page Up, Page Down," --- whatever all that meant. 

The other children's taunting made the poor Little Emoticon weep many bitter apostrophe tears which looked like this  ,,,,,,,,,,   ,,,,,,,,, from his two little colon eyes.

Gradually the other children badgered him to appear in tweets where he had no earthly reason to be:

• He appeared in a tweet for Rupert Murdoch, his joyful smile rendering hacking of private phone accounts a hilarious thing.

• He appeared in a tweet on behalf of Presidential candidate Herman Cain in which laughs a plenty were garnered by the sight of a cigarette dangling from his tav. 

• He appeared in a tweet for the NRA extolling how truly funny it is to be gunned down by an assault rifle.

Finally came the last straw, not to be confused with the final straw earlier in our story.  Gil received a call from the police that The Little Emoticon had been found wandering around stoned-out-of-his-tav in a tweet written by comedian Bob Saget! 

Whatever was a smiley face emoticon doing in a place like that?!!! 

"Emo, my son," said a heavy-hearted Gil Petto, "I'm afraid it's all my fault for asking you to appear in my pathetically unfunny tweets."

"Dad," said The Little Emoticon, "it is not your fault.  Deep down I'm rotten, just like Eve Harrington in All About Eve, Veda in either of the two versions of Mildred Pierce,    :-(  from Perry Block's idiotic posts, or even    from Gmail itself!"

"No, No!" said Gil, " I don't believe that! Perhaps you are ill!"  Gil suddenly noticed that The Little Emoticon did look a bit green around the yud. 

Gil felt The Little Emoticon's forehead --- that is, the space right above his colon (Of course I realize how ridiculous that sounds!) --- and yes, Emo was burning up as hot as a Johnny Depp movie, excluding The Tourist, of course. 

"My God, Emo, you have a virus!" shouted Gil.

Gil gently lifted up The Little Emoticon and carried him over to the PC where he ran Norton 360 Premier Edition (by Symantic).

"NORTON! NORTON!"  bellowed Gil, now really showing his age.  "Scan my boy Emo for viruses right away .... BANG ZOOM!"

As it turned out, Norton found and fixed over 37 serious risks in The Little Emoticon including several cookies, which believe it or not even in 2011 I still don't know what they are but I'm sure they were delicious.

"Dad!" cried The Little Emoticon. "I may still be partially a colon, but I'm no longer an asshole!"

At once there came a blue shadow against the window and a sound of fluttering, and a young woman with two white feathery wings and a golden wand in her hand flew directly through the window into Gil's house! 

Not much of a security system Gil had; he ought to look into it.

"Hello, Gil," the woman said. "I'm The Blue Fairy.  I brought The Little Emoticon to life to comfort you in your loneliness.  Also frankly I had the weekend free; I don't know many single guys in this town."

"Thank you so much for the gift of life, Blue Fairy!"  exclaimed Gil.  "I'm sure my Dad will slip you a couple of bucks."

"That's not why I'm here, Emo," said The Blue Fairy.  I have one more very important thing to do now that you have proven your heart is good and pure --- with the help of Norton by Symantic. And don't get me started about McAfee!" 

"You're going to make my Dad's tweets funny?" asked Emo.

"No, Emo," said The Blue Fairy, "some things are beyond even my powers. Just remember from now on:  Stay True to Yourself!  Don't Appear in Lame Tweets! And Most Importantly, You Don't Have to Eat Arugula, Whatever the Hell It Is!"

With that, The Blue Fairy waved her wand over the head of The Little Emoticon.  he Little Emoticon began to feel strange.

"Dad, what's happening?!!" he called out in fright. "Is this puberty?"

The Little Emoticon was literally transforming before Gil's startled eyes! 

"Emo!" shouted Gil with joy.  "You're becoming a real boy! 

Emo's tav and yud gave way to a nose and a happy cheerful smile and an entire human body!  Emo's colon transformed itself into bright and inquisitive blue eyes and, of course, a colon.  (And that makes three colon jokes, so that's the last one, folks!)

"This is fantastic!" cried Gil as he embraced his new flesh and blood son."It's incredible what you can do with that wand."

"Thank you, Gil," said the Blue Fairy. "Maybe a little bit later you and I can get together and discuss what you can do with your wand!"

And so Emo --- The Little Emoticon no longer --- lived happily ever after with his parents Gil and Blue Fairy Petto in a pleasant little town named Collodiville, somewhere far, far away.  

As Emo grew into a young man, as Fate would have it, he did indeed prove to be Jewish only above the waist, not below! As for the other half --- well, as Fate would also have it --- Collodiville was in Italy and Gil Petto was Italian!

Now how's that for a happy ending?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Note: Positively no emoticons were harmed in the making of this blog post.

Why Do I Do It?

Are these why I  do it?

I’ve been writing this blog now for a little over 1 ½ years and just recently polished off my 90th post.

Why do I do it …. besides the desire to bring a smile to the lips and a song to the heart of my fellow men and women?

Well, there’d better be another reason I do it because frankly I don’t give a crap about a smile to the lips and a song to the heart of my fellow men and women unless that smile to the lips of my fellow man is accompanied by huge handfuls of cash and that song to the heart of my fellow woman means my fellow woman's heart is beating one hell of a lot faster than it was just a few seconds ago without the both of us jogging.

Why do I do it?

Maybe mulling over a few things about myself might help me figure it out:

• I like to write in the nude. 

• However, I prefer to write fully dressed.  I only like to write in the nude when all my clothes are in the wash. And by “like to write it in the nude,” I mean “whaddya gonna do?”

• I believe that I have lived before. But it couldn’t have been that exciting; I don’t remember a thing! 

• I just can’t make up my mind whether it’s possible to Petition the Lord with Prayer.

• All you folks on Twitter:  Please follow @cubbysobe. For my money, the best tweets anywhere on Fractal Geometry and its Ultimate Reconciliation with the Euclidean Paradigm!

• The secret of my humor writing?  The juice of two whole lemons.

• If you ask me, I will come to your house and read some of my humor pieces to you in person. But NO funny business!

•  I'm frequently mistaken for Jewish. 

• To me, the Beatles were the predominant force in music, culture, and all human self-expression of the second half of the 20th Century. They influenced the way we look, act, think, and feel.  Even though I hate Paul McCartney, I would still die for him!

• And Ringo Starr as a former Beatle is to me royalty on the order of William and Kate. Had he not been one of the Beatles I would still readily give him the time of day, but if he wanted it to be accurate, I would charge him something for it.

• Petition the Lord with Prayer ..… Petition the Lord with Prayer….. Petition the ... hmmm…. 

• I’ve often wondered if it will go something like this when they break it to Alex Trebek that it’s time for him to hang it up as host of Jeopardy:

“Uh, Alex, we’re testing a clue for the show here, mind trying it out? It’s TV Hosts for a thousand, and the clue is “He’s boring, over the hill, and outta here.” Oh, there’s the buzzer, you didn’t get it! The answer is “Who is …..”

• Things I Find Highly Overrated: Raindrops on roses, whiskers on kittens, the twitter feed @ShitMyDadSays, bright copper kettles, Tracy Morgan, and warm woolen mittens.

• Wanna slip out and meet me for a drink? Oh, you’re terrible!

• I make a darn good friend.  I'm always there for you when it's not much trouble, and I make it a definite point to pay back relatively promptly any money I’ve managed to guilt you into letting me borrow.

•  I will never in my writing employ cutesy phrases like Best. Movie. Ever. Why? Because they’re Lame. Annoying. And. Douche. Bagging.

• You cannot Petition the Lord with Prayer!  (Nailed it!)  

• I am a big fan of the long-running television program Dr. Who,  but I just don’t understand why they keep changing lead actors? Okay, I get it when you’re forced to make a strategic change once as in switching Darrens on Bewitched.  But 11 friggin’ times!!!?

• I have from time to time voted for principled and ethical Republicans in elections where I felt an individual Republican was the best available choice for the office in question. But I have always thrown up afterwards.

• I brake for animals. But I’d speed up for you.

I hope you found these things about me interesting and provocative --- although I can’t imagine why you would!

I guess it goes to show you  that someone can be both annoyingly self-deprecating and disgustingly self-absorbed at the same time.

Hey, how about that? There you go ….

That's why I do it!

TV Hosts for a thousand,  Alex, and the clue is “Your replacement, loser.”  Oh, there’s the buzzer, you didn’t get it!  The answer is “Who is ….."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Reaction News at 11:00

Hey, I totally nailed yesterday's forecast!
Can I help it you’re all such poor listeners?  

Reaction News Theme plays.

Off-Screen Announcer: It’s Reaction News at 11:00, the only news program where anchors and reporters react to each other and you as they really and truly feel, not in a ridiculous and easy-to-see-through phony friendly manner like all the others!

Reaction News Theme continues.

Off-Screen Announcer: With always tense and mutually competitive anchorpersons George Greenleaf and Jen Dozier, woefully inept meteorologist Miles Crawford with the exclusive Cross Your Fingers Forecast, inarticulate former hockey utility player Jean-Guy Stickle with Sports, and the entire more or less third-rate Reaction News team!

Reaction News Theme reaches full crescendo.

Off-Screen Announcer: And now anchor persons George Greenleaf and Jen Dozier!

George: Good Evening! President Obama announces that in order to distract Americans from the deteriorating economy he will shortly expose himself  to what's being termed "Obama's Weinergate" and a stunning investigative report reveals that among the nation's Boy Scouts, fully 47 per cent  of them are "Not Prepared!" But the big news is the Jewish man with a shop in his basement! I’m George Greenleaf! 

Jen: And I’m Jen Dozier.

George: Jen, it happened today in the Northeast section of Philadelphia!   That's where  authorities received a call from a distraught individual complaining of a bizarre whirring noise emanating from a neighbor’s home. For more on the story, our Northeast Philly correspondent, Annie Willows.  Annie …

Annie: Thank you, George!     First I’d like to say what a pleasure it is to be reporting from this bore-ass section of town after 12 years as your co-anchor, having been booted out in favor of that unqualified bitch now sitting to your left.

George: C’mon, Annie!  You’re 8 years the wrong side of 30, 30 pounds the wrong side of 110, and Jen’s totally on the right side of everything!

Jen: Annie, this is Jen. I understand the whirling noise which George mentioned was actually the sound of a wood saw, something never before heard in a Jewish neighborhood.   And for the record, bitch, not only am I highly qualified, I’m 24 years old, smokin’ hot, and have substantially bigger tits than you do!

Annie:  If only your brains were half as big!  Now, George and Jen, when authorities arrived at the home of one Joel Mandelbaum, they made the shocking discovery you see behind me:  a fully functioning wood shop, a Jewish man cognizant of the difference between a wrench and a pair of pliers, and a finished, stained, and lacquered chest of drawers which police Captain Fred Crenshaw has described as "competently made and quite sturdy!” 
          No charges are being filed because, believe it or not, there is actually nothing illegal about a Jewish man having a shop in his basement!   Reporting live in the Northeast for Reaction News, and reminding you to watch George's hands under the desk at all times, Jen, I’m Annie Willows.

George:  Thanks, Annie. And Jen, ha-ha, don’t listen to Annie about me. Although your taut young body is provoking a kind of sexual tension that makes it difficult ….

Jen:   ....  for me to keep my lunch down, you pompous strutting nincompoop!!!  George, President Obama announced today that to distract the electorate’s attention from the continuing dismal economy,  he will begin engagement in a messy, entangling, and exceedingly sordid extra-marital affair to involve, in the President's words,  "near non-stop sexual relations with a spot-on Jennifer Love Hewitt look-alike." To facilitate the new 'Distraction Initiative,' First Lady Michelle Obama separately announced that effective COB Monday, June 27, 2011, she will begin withholding sex from the President.   And I’m sure you know lots about that, George!

George:   Me?  About withholding sex?  Hah!   Well, yeah .... I have been married three times. Four, if you count twice to the castrating vegan! And now it’s time for meteorologist Miles Darrow.  Miles, let’s hope you don’t screw up this weekend’s forecast as badly as last weekend’s because, as you may have heard, people have these things called "plans." 

Miles: That’s great coming from you, George, someone who doesn’t know whether to look up or down to see if it's raining!  I'd do a much better job of forecasting if the same idiot that hired you would spring for meteorological equipment a bit more sensitive and up-to-date than the Farmer’s Almanac!   Anyway, your exclusive Reaction News Cross Your Fingers Forecast for tomorrow is: Partly.  It’s got to be partly something or other! 
      
George: Thanks, Miles!  You know, Jen, if it should be partly this weekend ...

Jen: …. I’ll be as far away from you as you are from sobriety, your stated age of 43, and any reasonable and discernible measurement of vertebrate intelligence whatsoever! Now, here is  former marginally adequate hockey player Jean-Guy Stickle, who knows nothing of any other sport but hockey, with that all-important Phillies update and all the Sports News!

Jean-Guy: Hello, sports fans! In Juniors play up in Moose Gonads, Northwest Territories, it was the Frigid Earmuffs 2, the Icicle Kings 1….

Jen: Okay, thanks, Jean-Guy!  One too many slap shots to the head, I guess. George?

George: That’s tonight’s Reaction News. For Jen Dozier, Miles Darrow, and Jean-Guy Stickle, this is George Greenleaf, have a great weekend, everyone!

Jen: Have a great weekend, everyone?  All of them?!

George: Well, Jen, that’s a standard signoff …..

Jen: What about unrepentant Nazis?  How about the jerk who cut you off in traffic today and flipped you the bird?  Shouldn’t Tracy Morgan have lousy a weekend?

George: I guess you’re right ….

Jen: The following people should have a great weekend, please listen carefully for your name: Abercrombie, Ralph Jr.; Alexander, Francis; Applebaum, Maury  but with this qualification ….

George:  And put me down for a great weekend too, Jen, provided after the broadcast you and I ….

Jen: ….. Not a chance, you besotted, bewigged illegitimate offspring of a teleprompter and a poised and ready needle brimming with Botox!  To resume:  Asbert, Clyde;  Atwater, Wendell, great until 2:00 A.M. Saturday, rotten thereafter; Aucoin, Medford ....

George: And for all those of you who --- unlike me --- ever actually have one:   Good Night!

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