The Library at Emmetsville (FF)

The Library at Emmetsville had been the center of this small New England town since the 18th Century.  Folks from far and wide congregated there to read, learn, and discuss ideas.

But in the early 21st Century most people stayed home, glued to the Internet. And after a number of cutbacks, it was decided the library would close.

Then a massive virus struck the Internet, wiping out half of all the books ever written, over 80% of existing cat videos, and dinner reservations at Olive Gardens nationwide.

Confidence in the Internet extinguished, people turned back to books and the Library once more became the center of Emmetsville.  And the Internet, well, there would always need to be a home for cat videos.

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So a computer virus saves the books of the world. Great!  But most importantly, if you have a reservation at Olive Garden anywhere in the United States, it also saves you!

That's the story today according to my Friday Fictioneers response to the prompt above.  The responses of the many other Fictioneers are available by clicking here, so please click away and then how about we meet over at the Library at Emmetsville to discuss them? 

AND NO, I DON'T WANT TO SEE YOUR CAT VIDEOS! 

Twenty More Things to Stop Saying at Work

It's getting harder and harder 

to get a good afternoon's sleep here!

Came across an article on the internet recently called Ten Things to Stop Saying at Work which dispensed ten verbal utterances which if spoken at work could kill a business career faster than taking social media lessons from Anthony Weiner.

It was kind of a helpful article and all the phrases illustrated indeed seemed right on point: "I can't do that," "I'm so bored here," and "who the fuck do you think I am? James Franco?" all display a major lack of motivation that is sure to one day get you motivated right out the door. 

But there was much missing from the article.  As someone who has spent a number of marginally successful years in the business world, I have compiled a list of a number of additional things that you should immediately stop saying at work, primarily through having said them all.

So, folks, if you aspire to climb the corporate ladder, assuming you don't have fear of heights like I do, here then are Twenty More Things to Stop Saying at Work:

Twenty More Things to Stop Saying at Work

1)  It's getting harder and harder to get a good afternoon's sleep in this place.

2)  The company Smoke Free Policy doesn't also include weed, does it? 

3)  You know, I think we could use a union around here.

4)  Deodorant? I can't believe anybody wastes money on deodorant.

5)  Best part of my day?  Spitting in the office coffee pot every morning.

6)  Doesn't the boss look like an idiot with that stupid toupee?  It's not?!!

7)  My resume? Ha, it ought to win the Pulitzer Prize for Fiction!

8)  So I went into the men's room, thrust my foot into the next stall, and nothing happened!

9)  Y'know, I could look at cats on Facebook all day long.

10) Going out to lunch, see you tomorrow!

11) Of course "alot" is a word!  What kind of moron would break it into two words?

12) Let's get together sometime and compare criminal records.
  
13) I never could resist patting women in the office on the tushie.

14) I won't be in tomorrow, boss, got a big meeting with our competitors.

15) ISIS: they just make good sense. 

16) Sorry I didn't get the project done, once you get started watching that Scandinavian pornography .... 

17) I never realized our company had so many Jews.

18) Want some bourbon? 

19) Gotta get home, don't want to miss that Jerry Springer!

20) I'm the NRA.

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The Purr-fect Storm

"Boy, it was one terrible storm last night where we live!"

"I heard!  It was all over the news.  Power lines down,  roads impassible, some people had to abandon their homes!"

"You should have seen the storm clouds!  Looked like the end of the world. No wonder the sky burst forth!"

"So what happened to you guys?   Did you have a flooded out basement?"

"Worse.  Way worse."

"What did you get?!!"

"Three German Shepherds, two Siamese, and one very ornery Schnauzer." 

"God, I hate it when it rains cats and dogs."

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And I hate it when I'm this late to the punch with my Friday Fictioneers entry for the week, but at least I brought this one in at a very respectable 91 words, thank you very much.

I was pleased to be featured yesterday on the prestigious humor site McSweeney's Internet Tendency, which printed my piece "The Fountain of Middle Age."   You see, the fabulous fabled Fountain of Middle Age is the best fountain a Boomer can hope for; I plan to inject the waters intravenously.  Watch me drop way down in age all the way to 57!

You can check out the work of the other far more youthful Fictioneers by clicking here. Hey, everybody out of the Fountain of Middle Age!

Facebook for Cats

for cats

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Tabby Tabbers     

Just look at my human Clarence Weinblatt sleeping so peacefully and beautifully. Couldn't you just eat him up? Humans fill our lives with joy, don't they?

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528  kitty kats like this

   
Purrfect Prudence  So cute!
   

Fluffmeister  Simply adorable!  
          

Crystabelle I'd love me a human just like Clarence Weinblatt!


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Purrfect Prudence

I just adopted a new human, Selena Sensual, and she loves to cuddle!  Looks like I've got me a new BFF! LOL!

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971 kitty kats like this.

 Crystabelle  So cute!

Fluffmeister  Simply adorable! 
                     

Tabby Tabbers  I'd love me a human just like Selena Sensual!

Perry Block  So cute! Simply adorable!  I'd love me a human just like Selena Sensual! (And Selena, I love to cuddle too!)


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Fluffmeister 

My humans Herbie and Caspar Stillwater enjoying high spirited hijinks!  Did you two guys get into my catnip earlier?  LOL! LOL! LOL!  What crazy capers!

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9,495 kitty kats like this.

Crystabelle   So cute!

 

Purrfect Prudence  Simply adorable!                    

 Tabby Tabbers  Herbie!     Caspar     I HEART YOU BOTH!!!  .... and so on and so forth!

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Mr. Gee Whilikers

Look, Facebookers, I know you all love your humans. I know they're all adorable.  But where is the substance?  CONTENT, KITTY KATS, CONTENT!

No likes, no comments

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Note:  Perry Block was forcibly expelled from Facebook for Cats immediately following his incredibly inappropriate post above.   

I Love Me Some Cats

I love me some cats. I love big cats, little cats, black cats, white cats, spotted cats, mottled cats,  guys named Katz, and the cat formerly known as Cat Stevens.  Get it, fellow users of the Internet?  

I love the little furry fuckers!  I love cats just like all of you out there love cats.  And I love cats just like all of you out there to whom I'm willing to pander shamelessly for blog readers love cats! 

My very own precious darling is named Tinkerbell, and  here he is!  Say hello, Mr. Tink!

What are you up to, you wacky crazy cat?  Ha-ha-ha!

Oh, no!  Who can get any work done when Mr. Tink is grabbing some "zzzzs"---  as well as "bbbbs" and "hhhhs" and "control-alt-deletes!" and so on and so forth on the old QWERTY keyboard?  Ha-ha-ha!  

Oh!  You're wondering why Tinkerbell looks a bit different in every picture?  That's because he's ... umm .... a Master of Disguise!   Yep, that' s it.  That works. That's why.  No, I didn't Google random cat pictures, how could you?

Hey, Tink, you little minx!  How'd you do that?   

The Rockettes sure have nothin' on you, Mister Tinker! Ha-ha-ha!

Here's Tinkerbell doing his uncanny impression of actor Wilford Brimley. Tink's been getting free diabetes meds for years and he's not even a diabetic!  Ha-ha-ha!

(Note: The one on the left is Tinkerbell; for comparison purposes, actor Wilford Brimley is on the right.)

Hey, Tinkerbell, leave our President alone! 

Not that the Chief Executive of the USA minds a bit with a funny feline like you in his famous face! Ha-ha-ha!  That is indeed Mr. Obama on the right and Tinkerbell on the left, smartly sporting the tie I gave him for his Bar Mitzvah.  Ha-ha-ha-ha-haaaaaaaaa!!!!!!

Y''know,  Internet friends,  in addition to cats,  I also love me:  

• dip recipes,
• striking beach views, 
• you can do it!" motivationals,
• "Here's the twins immersed in chocolate syrup - how cute!,"
•  sharing the wit and wisdom of George Takei, 
• sarcastic little old lady cartoons, 
• "Look at my messy office!," 
• "Marriage equality rocks!," 
• Aunt Clara and Uncle Theodore married 57 years, aren't they adorable?! (Not that I don't have nightmares about being half that old!)
• "Love that Downton Abbey: Season 2!," 
• "The marriage equality symbol used as my avatar rocks!"
• your new profile picture (no, it's not goofy a bit!), 
• and cats, cats, and more cats! 

Convinced I love cats, folks?  Ready to follow my blog now?

Wait! What are you up to now, Mr. Tinkerbell?  No, no, not Kim Jong Un!!!  

No, no, Tinkerbell, stop, he's nutso!!! ... What are you doing, you out of control little ball of fluff??!!!

Darn it!  Just when I almost had you conned into believing I really do love me some cats.  Oh,well.

I love me some paramecium ...

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