The Boy Who Didn't Like Tom Hanks

(Note: This short sketch is adapted from the post of the same name presented herein July 13, 2017.)

Dramatis Personae

Perry – Handsome young leading man type.  Hey who’s writing this, you or me?

Farbman – Perry’s nervous and upset friend

Brandon – Perry’s son

The Scene - Perry and Farbman are sitting at lunch. Farbman looks tense and unhappy, idly moving his fork around his plate.

PERRY
Farbman, I’ve never seen you so upset. You haven’t even touched your second dessert!

FARBMAN

I touched it.  I can’t eat it, but I touched it.

PERRY

I haven’t seen you this upset since it was announced Jimmy Fallon was taking over The Tonight Show.    

FARBMAN
It's my son Bruce. In all my days, I never thought something like this could ever happen!

PERRY
What is it, Farbman? Did he vote for Trump, forsake Judaism, listen to ABBA?

FARBMAN

If only it were one of those things! No, my son Bruce told me ... he told me ... he told me he doesn't like Tom Hanks!

PERRY

Told you what?

FARBMAN

He told me he doesn’t like Tom Hanks!  

Pause.  Farbman begins to weep.

PERRY (Slowly and deliberately)

He … doesn’t …like … Tom Hanks? America's most likeable celebrity? The nicest guy in Hollywood, a welcome presence on screens both large and small?

FARBMAN

(Loud sobbing) Yee-ess!

PERRY

Farbman, how did this all come about?  

FARBMAN

It was last Saturday night. I was watching Cast Away again and Bruce came into the den.

Bruce, I said, Tom and Wilson the Soccer Ball are beginning to bond. It’s so beautiful! Come sit down and we’ll watch together.

Uh, I’d rather not, Dad, he said. 

Why, Bruce? I asked.
 

It's time I told you, he said. I don’t like Tom Hanks!

What are you saying, Bruce?! I shouted.

I’ve never liked Tom Hanks, he said. And I never will!

 (Loud sobbing)

PERRY

He doesn’t like Big?

FARBMAN (through tears)

No.

PERRY

Saving Private Ryan?

FARBMAN

No-oh-oh-oh!

PERRY

Turner and Hooch?

FARBMAN

Not even! (Blubbering)

PERRY (Trying to calm him down)

Farbman, try to understand! Bruce has no choice in the matter. He was born not liking Tom Hanks.

FARBMAN

How could this happen to me?  I who have seen Forrest Gump more times than Sally Field has popped Bonivas!

PERRY

Farbman! This isn’t about you!  People’s attitudes are changing. It’s a more inclusive world now with room for everyone. Straight. Gay. LGBTQ. THD.

FARBMAN

THD?

PERRY

Tom Hanks Dislikers.

FARBMAN (calming down)

Really?

PERRY

Sure. I’ll bet in 10 years or so Tom Hanks Dislikers may even be able to marry each other.

FARBMAN

Perry, what should I do?

PERRY

Just tell Bruce you love him and support him no matter what.

FARBMAN

I think you’re right. I do feel better. Thank you!

PERRY

No problem, Farbman.

They shake hands and Farbman walks off.

PERRY

Poor guy. Poor, Poor guy!

Brandon enters.

BRANDON

Hey, Dad, I’m staying home tonight. Want to watch a movie? `

PERRY

Yeah, sure, Bran. How about something with Tom Hanks? 

BRANDON

Great, Dad! Everybody likes Tom Hanks.

PERRY

Why don't we watch Sully?

BRANDON

Um … I’d rather not, Dad.

PERRY
Why?

BRANDON 

It's time I told you. I don’t like Sully Sullenberger! 

Perry begins crying hysterically.

The End

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But of course. 

The Boy Who Didn't Like Tom Hanks

  

I had never seen Farbman so upset. 

He was so disturbed he didn't even touch his second desert at lunch.

"It's my son Bruce," he said. "In all my days, I never thought something like this could ever happen!"

"What is it, Farbman?" I asked with alarm. "Is it drugs, is he in legal trouble, has he chosen Pepsi over Coke?"

"If only it were one of those things," Farbman wailed.  "No, my son Bruce told me ... he told me ...  he doesn't like Tom Hanks!"

Doesn’t like Tom Hanks?  

This was a shock. Tom Hanks is America's most likeable celebrity. He's charming, funny, and self-effacing.  The nicest guy in Hollywood, and a welcome presence on screens both large and small.

“How did this all come about, Farbman?”  

“It was last Saturday night. I was watching ‘Cast Away’ for the 20th time and Bruce came into the den.

'Bruce,' I said, 'they’re just about to introduce Wilson, the Soccer Ball. Come sit down and we’ll watch together.'

'I’d rather not, Dad,’ he said. 

'Why, Bruce?' I asked.

‘It's time I told you. I don’t like Tom Hanks!’

‘What are you saying, Bruce?!’ I shouted.

‘I’ve never liked Tom Hanks,’ he said. And I never will!'

“I’m telling you, Perry, I broke down sobbing!”

“Try to understand, Farbman. Bruce has no choice in the matter. He was born not liking Tom Hanks.”

“How could this happen to me?  I who have seen ‘Forrest Gump’ more times than Sally Field has popped Bonivas!”

“Farbman, this isn’t about you!  People’s attitudes are changing. It's no longer a disgrace to be THD.”

"THD?"

"A Tom Hanks Disliker."

"Really?"

"Sure. I’ll bet in 10 years or so Tom Hanks Dislikers may even be able to marry each other."

"What should I do?"

“Just tell Bruce you love him and support him no matter what."

"You're right, Perry. I'm glad we had this chat. I do feel better."

Just then I got a phone call from my son Brandon, who wanted to know if I’d like to watch a movie that night.

"How about something with Tom Hanks?" I asked. 

"Great, Dad! Who doesn’t like Tom Hanks?”

"Why don't we watch ‘Sully.’”

"I’d rather not, Dad. 

"Why, Bran?"

"It's time I told you. I don’t like Sully Sullenberger." 

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Lovin' that Liebster!

It is with extreme humility and utmost respect that I today accept this long overdue award presented to me by Marian Allen, author of the terrific blog Fantasies, Mysteries, Comedies, Recipes. To say I have been waiting a while for the Liebster Blog Award is a bit of an understatement; frankly even Susan Lucci calls me a loser and doesn't return my calls.  

What is the Liebster Blog Award?  Beats hell out of me! I thought I was getting a whole main lobster out of the deal,  but it looks like what you mostly get is so many follow-up requirements the last of them are way more likely to get accomplished by the executor of your estate rather than by you personally yourself.

I am, however, indeed proud to say that receipt of the Leibster Blog Award signals my achievement of the Triple Crown of Blogging! Were it the Triple Crown of Horse Racing I'd be a lot more famous but also expected to have sex with four legged creatures, and that's where I draw the line.  No, the Triple Crown of Blogging for me consists of the Liebster Blog Award and my two previous blogging awards, the coveted Versatile Blogger Award and the coveted but only if you're really into coveting Stylish Blogger Award.  Together these three  awards mean that for the first time I now have more awards than readers!  

And for that, I thank thee, Marian Allen. 

*****************

The following are the many requirements and responsibilities attendant on copping the Leibster Blog Award which I shall complete in full but please don't rush me.
  
1) State Eleven Random Facts About Me
2) Answer Eleven Annoying Questions Posed to Me by Marian Allen
3) Nominate Eleven Bloggers for the Award and Stick Them with the Same Onerous Requirements You've Got
4) Ask the Eleven Bloggers Eleven Questions, and No Multiple Choice!

I will nominate the eleven winning bloggers in a upcoming blog post after I have the time to carefully and thoroughly select only the very finest and outstanding bloggers who are willing to pay off and pay big for this Leibster thing.  I'll pose their questions at that time as well; enough payola and I'll make 'em all softballs!

And now, my first two requirements completed in full and wrapped up all pretty-like:

Eleven Random Facts About Me 

1) I am a former professional nose model, specializing in the "after" picture.  I cannot understand why I went bankrupt.

2) In the event of the Zombie Apocalypse, I am a certified last responder.

3) I am actually "the Batman."  And when my career is finally over and I no longer have to worry about you being at risk of reprisals by my enemies, I'm going to sue the crap out of that Bruce Wayne guy!

4) Hello, young lovers, wherever you are .....  nothin', I just always wanted to say that.

5) I am terrified of spiders.  People say that spiders are beneficial because they get rid of other bugs, but I'm rooting for the other bugs!

6)  My breath is kissing sweet.

7) I think "blog" is the ugliest word in the English language. Calling someone a "blogger" sounds to me like an excellent way to insult an English guy. 

8)The best advice I've ever received about writing was given to me by my eleventh grade English teacher Mr. Barton.   It was "don't, you suck."   I've always remembered it.

9) I believe that you and I were married in a past life. What a damn shame all those migraines you used to have! 

10) I've never been able to snap my fingers, something that totally ruined my up-and-coming career as a doo-wop singer in the 1950's.

11)  I brake for animals.  But I'd speed up for you!

Marian's Questions Answered 

 1) How long have you been blogging?    
       About half an hour.  I'm due for a break.

2) Why did you choose the topic(s) for your blog?      

        You mean, the chronicles of an insecure Baby Boomer fraught  with aging angst and unsure of his next  moves in life? Gee, why did I choose that?

3) How do people find your blog?

       Somebody's found it?

4) Do you feel comfortable promoting/advertising your own stuff? 

        Oh yes, very comfortable as long as I'm doing it on a laptop sitting on the crapper.

5)  What’s your happiest earliest childhood memory?

            Same as yours!  Now do you think you could ask some questions with a little bit of taste and propriety?   

6) If you could have any critter, real or imaginary, as a pet, what would it be? 

           A flying monkey. 

7) What would you name it?

        Dorothy.  That would be poetic justice for the little bastard! 

8) Why would a woodchuck chuck wood?

         To get chicks.  If it works, lead me to the nearest woodpile!

9) Vegan, vegetarian, or omnivore?

           You!  C'mere, Ms. Delicious!

10) What are you reading (not these questions, silly! what book?)?

          Book?  No, just these questions.  (See, not so silly after all!)

11) What is your superpower?
          Flying,  of course.  But at all times under the supervision of Captain Sully Sullenberger.

**********************

Impressed?  Of course you are!

After all, I'm a Leibster Blog Award Winner.  And I'm lovin' that Leibster! 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~