A Little Help Please?

From time to time somebody online will notify me that he or she is having difficulty posting comments on my Blogger blog, Perry Block - Nouveau Old, Formerly Cute.  And  I believe this is indeed true because other than my posts for the Friday Fictioneers,  I generally get about as many comments on my blog as there are stars in the sky. 

In the middle of the afternoon. 

In Kuala Lumpur.

In monsoon season. 

You perhaps have experienced this strange situation yourself.  You've tried but been unable to drop me a thank you for brightening your boring tedious day in the middle of your otherwise insubstantial and ultimately meaningless yet all-to-brief sojourn on this two-bit half-baked planet.

Well, you're welcome anyway.

Or you've wondered how there could be so few comments on my hilarious posts.  You've pondered: how could Perry Block's non-stop wit and incredible comedic skills not result in multiple congratulatory  plaudits and kudos on every post?!!

I've pondered too.

One possibility could be that Blogger has an endemic problem conveying comments heavily laden with glowing superlatives.  It may be that whenever a commenter clicks Send immediately after typing the words "comedy genius," "side-splittingly," and/or "I'm an attractive female dying to have sex with you, Perry Block," a glitch in the software causes it to freeze up faster than Windows XP when you had a stringent deadline your job depended upon in 2003.

This could well explain why I have never gotten a single message that includes any of the above terminology but frequently receive comments calling me an "idiot" and a "douchebag." Apparently "idiot," "douchebag," and "unfunny loser" are not words that trigger the apparent freeze.

So, may I solicit your assistance in getting to the bottom of this Blogger blogging problem? After all, I've never asked you for anything before (void with whom inapplicable).  So here's what I'd like you to do:

Try to leave a comment on this post.  Please enter the special code that Blogger has provided based on the degree of difficulty you have in leaving your comment. By tabulating the results, Blogger can determine the specific systemic problem in placing comments and make the necessary adjustments.

1) If you experience no difficulty whatsoever in placing your comment, please type in the code:  PHENOMENAL POST!  This means it was phenomenally easy to post your comment.

2) If you have some difficulty placing your comment but are still readily able to do it, please type:  FUNNY POST! This is Blogger code for "it's funny, but I had some trouble getting this comment to post."

3) If you have great difficulty getting your post to send, please type in: STEAMING HOT POST!  Which is Blogger code for "I got all steamed and hot under the collar trying to post my goddamn comment!"  

Got that, folks?  And since it may take Blogger some time to get to the root of the problem, please keep this up for the next six to eight weeks.  Maybe more. Nothing moves fast these days, you know.

Google, which runs Blogger, will thank you.

And you'll be saving me a ton of money with Dr. Kropotkin!

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Lovin' that Liebster!

It is with extreme humility and utmost respect that I today accept this long overdue award presented to me by Marian Allen, author of the terrific blog Fantasies, Mysteries, Comedies, Recipes. To say I have been waiting a while for the Liebster Blog Award is a bit of an understatement; frankly even Susan Lucci calls me a loser and doesn't return my calls.  

What is the Liebster Blog Award?  Beats hell out of me! I thought I was getting a whole main lobster out of the deal,  but it looks like what you mostly get is so many follow-up requirements the last of them are way more likely to get accomplished by the executor of your estate rather than by you personally yourself.

I am, however, indeed proud to say that receipt of the Leibster Blog Award signals my achievement of the Triple Crown of Blogging! Were it the Triple Crown of Horse Racing I'd be a lot more famous but also expected to have sex with four legged creatures, and that's where I draw the line.  No, the Triple Crown of Blogging for me consists of the Liebster Blog Award and my two previous blogging awards, the coveted Versatile Blogger Award and the coveted but only if you're really into coveting Stylish Blogger Award.  Together these three  awards mean that for the first time I now have more awards than readers!  

And for that, I thank thee, Marian Allen. 

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The following are the many requirements and responsibilities attendant on copping the Leibster Blog Award which I shall complete in full but please don't rush me.
  
1) State Eleven Random Facts About Me
2) Answer Eleven Annoying Questions Posed to Me by Marian Allen
3) Nominate Eleven Bloggers for the Award and Stick Them with the Same Onerous Requirements You've Got
4) Ask the Eleven Bloggers Eleven Questions, and No Multiple Choice!

I will nominate the eleven winning bloggers in a upcoming blog post after I have the time to carefully and thoroughly select only the very finest and outstanding bloggers who are willing to pay off and pay big for this Leibster thing.  I'll pose their questions at that time as well; enough payola and I'll make 'em all softballs!

And now, my first two requirements completed in full and wrapped up all pretty-like:

Eleven Random Facts About Me 

1) I am a former professional nose model, specializing in the "after" picture.  I cannot understand why I went bankrupt.

2) In the event of the Zombie Apocalypse, I am a certified last responder.

3) I am actually "the Batman."  And when my career is finally over and I no longer have to worry about you being at risk of reprisals by my enemies, I'm going to sue the crap out of that Bruce Wayne guy!

4) Hello, young lovers, wherever you are .....  nothin', I just always wanted to say that.

5) I am terrified of spiders.  People say that spiders are beneficial because they get rid of other bugs, but I'm rooting for the other bugs!

6)  My breath is kissing sweet.

7) I think "blog" is the ugliest word in the English language. Calling someone a "blogger" sounds to me like an excellent way to insult an English guy. 

8)The best advice I've ever received about writing was given to me by my eleventh grade English teacher Mr. Barton.   It was "don't, you suck."   I've always remembered it.

9) I believe that you and I were married in a past life. What a damn shame all those migraines you used to have! 

10) I've never been able to snap my fingers, something that totally ruined my up-and-coming career as a doo-wop singer in the 1950's.

11)  I brake for animals.  But I'd speed up for you!

Marian's Questions Answered 

 1) How long have you been blogging?    
       About half an hour.  I'm due for a break.

2) Why did you choose the topic(s) for your blog?      

        You mean, the chronicles of an insecure Baby Boomer fraught  with aging angst and unsure of his next  moves in life? Gee, why did I choose that?

3) How do people find your blog?

       Somebody's found it?

4) Do you feel comfortable promoting/advertising your own stuff? 

        Oh yes, very comfortable as long as I'm doing it on a laptop sitting on the crapper.

5)  What’s your happiest earliest childhood memory?

            Same as yours!  Now do you think you could ask some questions with a little bit of taste and propriety?   

6) If you could have any critter, real or imaginary, as a pet, what would it be? 

           A flying monkey. 

7) What would you name it?

        Dorothy.  That would be poetic justice for the little bastard! 

8) Why would a woodchuck chuck wood?

         To get chicks.  If it works, lead me to the nearest woodpile!

9) Vegan, vegetarian, or omnivore?

           You!  C'mere, Ms. Delicious!

10) What are you reading (not these questions, silly! what book?)?

          Book?  No, just these questions.  (See, not so silly after all!)

11) What is your superpower?
          Flying,  of course.  But at all times under the supervision of Captain Sully Sullenberger.

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Impressed?  Of course you are!

After all, I'm a Leibster Blog Award Winner.  And I'm lovin' that Leibster! 

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Notes on a 300th Post

Who would have ever thought when I began this blog slightly over three years ago with the words "being I have nothing constructive to do and perhaps I can attract the attention of Paris Hilton" I would one day reach the lofty and venerable milestone of 300 posts without ever having written anything lofty or venerable or attracted the attention of Paris Hilton?

You did?  Well then, proud of you, dude!  I've got a damn perceptive reader in you!

This is the glorious celebration of my 300th blog post! Welcome, come on in and make yourself at home.  Take your shoes off and  .... UCCCCHHH!!!, on second thought,  why don't you put your shoes back on and have some punch instead?

Have you met some of my other readers? Let me introduce you to ... well, there's umm ... say, why don't you have some punch?  I'm sure all the other readers will be arriving soon; I understand there's a tie-up on the Expressway,  a big book review over at Goodreads, and the new Pope is in one hell of a Twitter war with the old one!  

While we're waiting,  as is a tradition on my anniversary posts (I did it once),  I'd like to answer a few questions that are often raised regarding my blog, primarily by me: 

How would you describe your humor writing, Perry? 

Unsuccessful.

No, I mean, is it droll commentary on the foibles of humanity, mordant satire on the sorry state of politics, pop culture, and world affairs, or self-deprecating but affectionate takes on the day-to-day travails each of us face in our efforts to negotiate the post-absurdist world in which we live?

Let's go with "Unsuccessful."

Why do you suppose the blog is still so unpopular?

Because people like you don't talk me up to others.

But I'm not a person;  I'm a composite construct created by you to ask a bunch of inane questions. 

And you're an uppity composite construct too!  Now I know how Dr. Frankenstein  felt.

But you made up all the questions!

Yeah, remind me next time to make up ones where I get some laughs.

Do you think maybe your writing is too Jewish?

Too Jewish? How?  I'm a Pentecostalist.

Well then I'd definitely cut back on my watching The Daily Show if I were you. 

Such a funny composite construct you are!   

Even that phrasing was too Jewish!

Maybe I ought to have you write the posts. 

You could do worse ... 

Okay, big shot, here's the keys to the blog, get yourself some punch, I'm outta here!

At last.  

I'll be over at Facebook if you need me. 

I don't expect to. 

 And hey you, our one reader,
 Put your damn shoes back on! 

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Note: Despite what my little composite construct says above, I'd sincerely like to thank all of you who from time to time read this blog, including the guy without shoes guzzling the punch.  I very much appreciate your support,  and I'll try to do a halfway decent job with the next hundred posts so!   Thanks again! 

300

No Frills? No More!

Do you see my true colors shining through?

Is that why (dare I say) you love me?

Ever since I began "Perry Block -  Nouveau Old, Formerly Cute" about two and a half years ago, I have always referred to it as a no-frills blog.  

It was to be laid back in nature.  Nothing showy or ostentatious.  No fancy chandeliers,  ornate tableware, or cascading outdoor fountains to strain your comedy budget.  All profits to go back into humor,  and we pass the savings on to you.

As the blog template for my no frills blog, I chose Bloggers' most basic template. I would reproduce it here for you, but I'm afraid it is so old it is incapable of reproduction.  It is so old that the person who developed it still plays Pong.  If is so old that Gutenberg laughs at it. * 

It was perfect for Nouveau Old, Formerly Cute. 

A no frills blog seemed to totally befit my character and image as the bummed out Baby Boomer who feels the world is passing him by without so much as offering him a lift.  He - that is, I - would never seek out a blog format with bands playing, drum majorettes twirling,  and cymbals crashing when the only crashing he's accustomed is Windows XP whenever he's got a time deadline. 

But today we are no frills no more! Over the last several days, I have added a frill or two. Actually they're more like frillettes. Why?  Because after all this time, I've failed to find favor with the American public.  Oh, why mince words,  I'm about as popular as a cross between eight day old shellfish and Mitt Romney with PETA!  So I went into Blogger determined to make a few changes.  

Change!  After"aging" and "sixty-two (62)," the most hated word in the English language and more hated than sixty-two if we view that  number as referring mostly to the year I first heard of the Beatles and little more. But I will face "change" bravely after a drink or two and a couple of hours of good old-fashioned "I put the PRO in procrastination" procrastination!  

I clicked on Perry Block - Nouveau Old, Formerly Cute, clicked on "Design," took a quick survey of my ill-read posts (Yep, Clint Eastwood's not exactly packing them in, all right!), sighed, and clicked "Template," then "Customize."  Yessiree, I'm ready to rock my bloggin' world!  

NOSIREE, WHAT THE BLOGGIN' HELL IS ALL THIS ABOUT?!!!

Multiple and diverse template designs, an exploding world of vibrant and pulsating colors, almost as much potential Change as Barack Obama says he can't make from the Inside,  and ....  oh, brave new world that has such people in't! 

It didn't take me long to determine that the blog formats labeled as "Awesome," and "Dynamic," and "Way Cooler than You" were not appropriate for Nouveau Old, Formerly Cute.  I chose the one called "Chicken Shit Change" and moved on to the color schemes.

I scanned almost every color for every field from "Bordello Red" to "Insipid Blue" to "Orangy Orange" to "The Scientists are Still Working on this Color."  Finally, I chose what you see before you. Instead of a negative, morose,  and downbeat dark blue and green, I present to you a  positive, cheerful,  and upbeat auburn and red.  I may still be negative, morose,  and downbeat  but I now at least have the decency to lie about my colors.  

Do you see my true colors shining through? Do you see my true colors,  and that's why you love me?  

Or at least tolerate me better?

What's that, Cyndi Lauper?   I still suck, do I?

Off to a great start ....

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*If you want to see a blog that uses the basic template and looks something like the way mine used to look, check out the blog of distinguished and successful TV writer and sportscaster Ken Levine.   My blog actually looked a bit better!  Mr. Levine, however,  is distinguished and successful.  

I'd trade.