The Greatest Hits of Mitt Romney

For almost two years, he was a part of our lives.
Now he's gone...

Don't forget him the way he's forgotten you! 

Especially if you're one of the 47%.

Now, for the first time 
from 

BOOKS
comes

The Nouveau Old, Formerly Cute

Greatest Hits of Mitt Romney

  You get these great Mitt classics:

Whatever It Is, I'm Against It 
With Groucho Marx' classic song playing throughout, Mitt explains
how he manages to be against everything and for nothing ... with hilarious results!

You're No Ronald Reagan 
Co-starring Newt Gingrich, two feisty GOP candidates scramble all over each other to prove who's more like Ronald Reagan until the Great Communicator himself has to intervene from the Great Beyond to settle the score!

Super Mitt, Olympics Savior!
Mitt dons his red cape to save the Olympics and bend steel in his bare hands --- a hapless steel company Bain Investments buys and dismantles, that is!

Plus the Crowd-Pleasing Favorite

The Openly Gray/Bi-Positional Candidate
Mitt comes out of the closet as openly gray and bi-positional, always taking both sides of every issue. But even though he's openly gray, he's hardly the first ever bi-positional candidate!

And there's even more!
You get absolutely free these 
GOP Based Classics: 

The Impossible Dream 
Dick Cheney has long harbored an Impossible Dream; 
 now at long last he's going to become the true Dick he's always longed to be!

Fat Chance
He may be the rising star of the Republican Party but it's his rising moon that's the problem.  Here's the skinny on Governor Christie! 

An Open Letter to the Non-Millionaires of America
The GOP begins its outreach to a class of voters it's never reached out to before.
 No argyle sweater?  We'll wait while you buy one!


You couldn't find these posts individually
 without subjecting yourself for minutes at a time 
to Perry's lame website, but now 
Time-Life Books has compiled them all for you! 

The Nouveau Old, Formerly Cute

Greatest Hits of Mitt Romney
is

only $39.95! 

But wait!
If you call in the next ten minutes,
 Paul Ryan will
  slash the price to 
only $29.95! 

And there's even more!
Act in the next ten minutes and you also get this
 Barack Obama Classic
 absolutely free!

That President!
Though conservative pundits may call him "this President," the rest of the world loves the cute, spunky, totally adorable head of state known as "That President!" 

This offer is not available in any store.
And if it were, it would be in a bin in the back
 for about a quarter or something.

 New 
from

BOOKS

Remember when we used to be considered prestigious?

Call 1 800 BYE MITT.  Operators are standing by.  Visa and MasterCard accepted. Void where prohibited by law which ought to be everywhere.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

For The Math Challenged Only

Finally, math I like!

There's an old joke that goes:

There are three kinds of people in the world.  Those who are good at math and those who are not.   And the third group --- the one into which I fall  --- is those who are so bad at math they don't understand the joke!"

I've been math challenged since the very early age of 3, or 4, or 57, I'm not sure which. It began when I was learning to count.

Count to 10?  Okay, maybe.  

Count to 100?  If God had meant me to count to 100, he would have had me born on a planet where people have a whole hell of a lot more than ten fingers and ten toes!

Through the years in school, I was mauled by math, addled by algebra, and when it came to geometry,  just plain Lost in Space.  Although words were my friends, numbers were my enemies --- even the cute ones like 2 and 16.  I took comfort in one thing:  once I got out of school, I would never have to use math again! Hah! Hah! Haaahhh!   Just like Latin or Chemistry or Gym. 

Never ........  ever ........   EVER .......  AGAIN!!!     

But I was wrong. Math is all around us.  All the time.  Kind of like Ben Stiller.

You have to balance your checkbook.  I can't balance my checkbook without a member of the Wallenda family on either side of it.

You have to make change.  Over the years I've lost enough money through faulty change-making to get the U.S. out of hock to China. Or at least enough to pay off the mortgage on the Grand Coulee Dam.

You have to figure out how much you owe Harry the Slip before he sends a guy with a broken nose named Louie to break all 4 bones in your body! 

Even more upsetting, Einstein, Hawking, and countless others (whom I am wholly unable to count) have taught us that the entire universe is governed according to the principles of mathematics. No wonder my life is screwed up;  I'm living in a reality based on a subject in which I rarely got better than a "C!"

So what are we math malcontents supposed to do?  How do we survive in a universe where they've given us a number and taken away our name? 

1) Rent a Math Guy.  Consider renting your own personal Math Guy; maybe check Craig's List.  A good Math Guy will ensure you always split the dinner check correctly, decipher your Verizon bill, and determine exactly the correct amount for you to wager to become the next Jeopardy Champion should you make it to Final Jeopardy and come up with the correct question. 

2) Reject a Universe Based on Mathematics in Favor of One Based on Folksy Colloquialisms, and Hope It Catches On.

"The distances between objects in our universe are indeed vast.  Assume a spaceship leaves Earth travelling at the speed of 'Whee! This is such fun.' 

Between the time it departs Earth until the time it arrives at the nearest star system, a period equivalent to 'I thought we put the turkey in sufficiently early but it's still not done and Uncle John wants to leave' will have elapsed. 

This equals a staggering distance of 'Durn it, Madge, if you were to walk it, by the time you got there your feet would be the size of two overripe casauba mellons!'"

3) Become Proficient at Math. 

Next. 

4) Reject a Universe Based on Mathematics  in Favor of One Based On Presidential Administrations, and Hope it Catches On.

"So how old are you, Perry?"

"Truman Administration."  

"Wow, you look great for Truman Administration!" 

"Thank you." 

"That your girlfriend?  How old is she?"

"Mid-Reagan Epoch." 

 "Whoa!  How'd you do it?!   Umm, how's the sex?"

 "Clinton times a week!" 

"OMG!  And Clinton times a night?!" 

 "No, dude.  Kennedy times a night!!!" 

5) Fake It. 

Talk in percentages.  Say things like "what's the bottom line?"Learn the conceptual difference between a million and a billion and why you'd rather have either than 25 bucks.  

And for God's sake, go on Wheel, not Jeopardy!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Turner Classic Geezers

In Remembrance of the Great Robert Osborne 

Indeed I do love me my Turner Classic Movies (TCM)!

The great and even not-so-great films of the 30's, 40's, and early 50's speak to me in a language I can understand better than that of current film, especially since it's a language in which the actors' mouths are generally more full of bon mots than the genitalia and pubic hairs they are today.

And AHHHH!, the great actors of the period!  Harry Davenport, Edward Everett Horton,  Henry Stephenson, Guy Kibbee,  Jonathan Hale,  Henry O' Neill,  and so many, many more.   You know the names.

Nah, probably you don't!

I'm talking, of course, about the character actors, the folks you see all the time but usually see right through whenever you see them. These are the performers who typically played bosses, judges, doctors, politicians, and even passersby who give a lift to a hitch-hiking Bogart, help a fainting Ann Sheridan off the sidewalk and onto her feet,  or tell Ronald Reagan to get the hell out of the way, who does he think he is, the President of the United States?!!! 

We'll call these folk Turner Classic Geezers.

Funny thing about the movies of the 30's, 40's, and early 50's; any role for a character conceived of as sophisticated, accomplished, or even in minor authority had to be filled by an actor who was: 

1) white
2) male, and 
3) gray haired or balding, wearing a felt hat and often a double-breasted suit, and over 50 years old,  if not 60!  

Sure, the stars of these films are young.  But just look around at everyone else.  It's as if some cataclysmic disaster has destroyed everyone on earth under the age of 30 except Ray Milland and Ida Lupino! 

It was quite a different society back then.  Not only wasn't it a felony to be over 50,  it was thought that while younger people had all the fun, it was the oldsters who did all the heavy lifting. Other than the male character who's the love interest, even the most devoted film fan would be hard-pressed to find the professor, bank president, or Ambassador from the Court of St. James who wasn't a Turner Classic Geezer.

Imagine Clark Gable and Myrna Loy as two reporters in a 1930's movie going to visit the world's most renowned expert on economic development in South America.   Think that role is going to be played by Jean Harlow?

Nope, expect a Turner Classic Geezer. 

Now let's flick on HBO and catch the remake of the above movie starring Jake Gyllenhaal and Anne Hathaway and have a bit of fun.  In place of the young actor actually playing the South American expert, let's drop in a Turner Classic Geezer, someone like Henry Stephenson,  and ....  3, 2, 1, ACTION: 

Gyllenhaal: It's a pleasure to meet you, Professor.... What!!!?? There must be some mistake!  You don't have big boobs!

Hathaway: Why, Jake, even my smallish but well-exposed tits are larger!

Stephenson: Well you see, my young friends, I'm a man.   A man who's studied economic growth in this part of the world for over 40 years.

Gyllenhaal: But that would make you as old as my dad!  And my dad's too old to be in home movies!

 Of course much I as like these great older actors,  stereotypes of the time had their ill effects. Not only did they keep a diversity of character actors who were younger, female, of color, or Asian or other non-white nationality from finding work unless the role being cast called for a stereotype, they also played a role in helping to impede progress toward equality in society at large.

However,  those multiple limitations of the past have now given way to one great big fat limitation of the present.  These days an actor can be any flavor of the rainbow and still be readily hired as long as he or she ain't wearing a felt hat, a double-breasted suit, or a wrinkle or two below the eyes. 

So, it's with a fondness that's only slightly guilty that I flick on the good old geezers of days gone by.  Thank you for bringing 'em back, TCM.

"And for Turner Classic Geezers, I'm Robert Osborne!"  (RIP)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Top to Bottom above ---  Got 'em all?  They're  Harry Davenport,  Edward Everett Horton,  Jean Harlow,  Henry Stephenson,  and Guy Kibbee.   If you didn't even get Jean Harlow, you don't deserve Turner Classic Movies!

You're No Ronald Reagan!

And how many times can you use the words "Ronald Reagan"  in a sentence?

Wolf Blitzer:  Good Evening.   This is the 75th --- excuse me, 76th --- debate between the candidates for the Republican nomination for President of the United States.  I'm Wolf Blitzer of CNN, and with me is is Brooke Baldwin, also of CNN.

Brooke Baldwin: Good Evening, Wolf. Good Evening, high cheekbones.

Blitzer:  Tonight there are only two candidates debating, former Governor Mitt Romney of Massachusetts and former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich. Good evening, gentlemen. 

Mitt Romney:  Hello, Wolf.  G00d to see you, Brooke.  Nice cheekbones.

Newt Gingrich:  Hi-ya, Brooke! I've...umm ... admired your cheekbones for years!

Blitzer:  Governor Romney, first question.  As we all know, the revered patron saint of the Republican Party is former President Ronald Reagan.

Romney & Gingrich:   Hallowed be His Name ...

Blitzer:  Now, Governor, the Speaker has asserted that although you purport to be a 100% devoted  Ronald Reagan conservative, you're in truth a Massachusetts moderate.  Your response?

Romney:  Wolf,  that's plain ridiculous!  I proudly espouse all the values, beliefs, and goals of Ronald Reagan's America!  Ronald Reagan is and always has been my personal hero. That's why I am,  in fact,  the one true heir to Ronald Reagan!

Blitzer: Speaker Gingrich, the Governor has asserted that you claim to be a Washington outsider even though you've been in Congress for almost 30 years.

Gingrich:  Wolf, that's plain ridiculous! I proudly espouse all the values, beliefs, and goals of Ronald Reagan's America!  Ronald Reagan is and always has been my personal hero. That's why I am,  in fact,  the one true heir to Ronald Reagan!

Baldwin: Well, you can both be the one true heir.  Each of you please explain why you are.

Gingrich:  Brooke,  Governor Romney wouldn't know Ronald Reagan  if he fell over him on his way to a pro-abortion rally!  I am the one true heir to Ronald Reagan,  who incidentally is  the greatest actor in the history of American cinema and especially brilliant in my favorite Ronald Reagan movie, Knute Rockne, All American, starring Ronald Reagan!  

Baldwin:  Governor Romney?

Romney: Brooke, Speaker Gingrich wouldn't know Ronald Reagan if he fell over him while bending over to pick up an exorbitant check from Freddie Mac!    I am the one true heir to Ronald Reagan, who incidentally is the greatest actor in the history of American cinema and especially brilliant in my favorite Ronald Reagan movie,  Bedtime for Bonzo, starring Ronald Reagan!  

Baldwin:   Speaker Gingrich,  how can you demonstrate that you are the most like Ronald Reagan? 

Newt Gingrich:   Brooke, if it's always been your desire to sleep with Ronald Reagan,  remember that as a 100% devoted Ronald Reagan conservative, I am the next best thing to Ronald Reagan!  Ready?

Baldwin: Governor Romney?

Romney: Brooke, if it's always been your desire to sleep with Ronald Reagan,  remember that as a 100% devoted Ronald Reagan conservative, I am the next best thing to Ronald Reagan!  So, now? 

Blitzer:  Gentleman,  Brooke and her cheekbones will give those generous offers due consideration. One more question: Each of you is kind of goofy looking --- you, Governor Romney, with your excessively greased and dyed hair and you, Speaker Gingrich, with all that hanging flab directly under your neck.  Looking like you guys do, why should either one of you be President?

Romney:  Wolf, yes, I regularly grease and dye my hair. Just like Ronald Reagan!   

Gingrich: Wolf, yes, I do have huge pendulous gobs of unsightly hanging flab under my neck. Just like Ronald Reagan!  

Romney:  You're no Ronald Reagan, sir!

Gingrich:  And you're no Ronald Reagan, sir!

Ronald Reagan (from on high) : I-N-C-R-E-D-I-B-L-E!  Hey, you two:

 Neither one of you is Ronald Reagan!    

And BTW,  they have no jelly beans up here.   Either of you two Ronald Reagan geniuses got any?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Love me, love my gobs!