Splish Splash (FF)

FF - Flash Fiction

copyright - C.E. Ayr

Last Sunday I went up to New York to visit my cousin Kevin, and as always we spent most of the time talking about how to contend with the relentless global warming. Just as we do in Philadelphia, when the heat gets unbearable New Yorkers splash around in any of the multiple bodies of water surrounding the city.

Monday morning it was so hot we joined thousands of New Yorkers and dove into New York Harbor.  The water was blessedly cool and just as I surfaced I saw what looked like a majestic crown also surfacing above the waters.

"Lady Liberty too?"  I asked.

"Ahh shit," bellowed Kevin, "there goes the day and every play on Broadway as well."

"But why?"

"It's Midtown's day to towel dry her."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I'm pleased to present this cautionary tale about climate change.  If we're not careful about the environment, we'll all be required to towel down the iconic statues in every city where we live, and frankly I don't feel like getting that up close and personal with Rocky.

The other Friday Fictioneers have their own takes on the picture prompt above and you can check them out by clicking here.  If you don't do it, you're all wet!

I hate that joke.  I deserve to be drying Lady Liberty's private parts.

Hillary Clinton's Race for the White House Board Game

               Ready, Everyone?  Let's Play!

Just hangin' with Bill one day, giving him shit, and then it occurred to me that ...

I think it might be fun to run a country!

START!

Spin: Announce candidacy with idealistic words "Everyday Americans need a champion. And I want to be that champion."   Advance directly to PAC Plaza and Cash Causeway! 

Spin: Land on Bernie Sanders. Agree that he is a principled, hard working, and caring individual who truly wants the best for America.  Thank God he is un-electable! Spin again. 

Spin:  Land on Rick Perry. Stop to explain his own programs to him.  Lose five turns before giving up.

Spin:  Land on Climate Change. All GOP Candidates think it's false or say "I am not a scientist," including Ben Carson and Bobby Jindal, who are scientists. Proceed directly to White House Vestibule!

                  

                          Enter FOX NEWS FOREST

Spin: Land on Benghazi. "Lies! Treason!  Ignored pleas from consulate for more security including request for a large bald ogre with a club!  Unanswered Questions, many in easy multiple choice format! Told forces to stand down and have a nice lunch! Lies! Treason!

Benghazi!     BENGHAZI!      Benghazi!!!"

(Ah, shut up already, you jerks. Proceed directly to White House Vestibule!)

Spin: Land on Scandal Smorgasbord. "Whitewater, Rose Law Firm, missing files, favoritism, Travelgate, financial  irregularities, unexplained firings, money lost, money made, yada yada, yada" ... Alright, who knows, maybe there is something somewhere. Okay, lose a turn.

Spin: Land on Sean Hannity. If this were a golf course you would now be in the biggest sand trap in history!  Must spin a 7 to get out. Hurry!  And as soon as you are out, don't forget to rake his face!

Depart FOX NEWS FOREST 

Spin: Land on Scott Walker. This guy posed naked and thinks he has the stones to stand up to Putin?! Well, he does have stones anyway.  Lose a turn to ogle him because you probably haven't seen a naked dude in a long time.

Spin:  Land on Rick Santorum.  Stop to explain that Transgender does not refer to train which runs from Europe to Asia as in Transgender Express. Advance 5 
spaces.

Spin: Land on Ted Cruz. Wait a minute! This guy went to Princeton and Harvard?!!  You're incredulous? Go back 3 spaces for being Incredulous!

Spin: Land on Monica Lewinsky.  Lose a turn for Scratching her Eyes Out. 

Spin:  Land on Evolution. All GOP Candidates think it's false or say "I am not a scientist," including Ben Carson and Bobby Jindal, who are scientists. Proceed directly to White House Vestibule!

Spin:  Land on Marco Rubio.  This is the true Watergate!  Spin twice while he's still drinking.

Spin: Land on Bill Clinton.  Advance 25 spaces for standing by him publicly while Scratching his Eyes Out. 

Spin:  Land on Jeb Bush, who makes valiant effort to convince nation he is an only child.  Epic Fail.  Advance 10 Spaces.

Spin: Land on Pantsuit Palace to refuel campaign wardrobe. Ogle yourself but lose two turns. 

                              

Spin:  Land on Mike Huckabee. Carelessly mispronounce his name. Return to Sean Hannity!  (Only kidding ... return to Marco Rubio.) 

Spin: Land on Jeb Bush, this time making ill-conceived effort to attract female voters. History making fail.  Spin three times.

Enter E-MailGate

Spin: Land on Invitations Sent to Play Candy Crush.  Lose two Turns and Go Play the Stupid Game already.

Spin: Land on E-Mails to Unknown Wealthy Nigerian. Deduct 22 million dollars from campaign war chest and get butt back to PAC Plaza and Cash Causeway ASAP!

Spin: Land on E-Mails with Raunchy Jokes to and from Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid.  No penalty provided you share some with us.

Depart E-MailGate

Spin: Land on Rand Paul. Trip over toupee blown off by his own hot air. Treat skinned knee,  return to Pantsuit Palace to buy new pantsuit.

                       

Spin: Land on White House Vestibule, 3 spaces away from White House.  Must spin exact number to enter White House, become President, and win the game.

Spin: Too bad, you spun a 4. Oh, I forgot  to mention if you spin above the correct number, you Return to Start. Well, there's no reason to call me that, Hillary! Gee, you are a bitch!

Spin:  Okay,  okay, you're in, you're in!  Congratulations and ....

Hail to the Chief!

  

Home Sweet Home
Once More.

"Bill!  Bill!  Is that vacuuming and dusting done yet? Did you iron my pantsuit?
And did you hire the new intern?  Yeah, Scott! Who the fuck else?" 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And That's How Evolution Works (FF)

© Douglas M. MacIlroy

"And that's how evolution works, class.  To adapt to the new climate beginning in the mid-21st century, mankind rapidly evolved in a number of ways."

"That's how we used to look, Professor Goldberg?   All covered with - what did you call it - skin, and without razor sharp teeth to ferret out food?"

"Exactly, Mr. Clifford.  And those awkward appendages called legs gave way to fins for better mobility."

"Look how ugly people used to be!  How did we become so facially attractive, Professor?"

“Because, Ms. James, we needed to repopulate the planet. That's why everyone evolved to be so smokin' hot!"

"God Bless Evolution, Professor Goldberg!"

"Class dismissed.  Go to it, hotties!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I sincerely hope this post wasn't too sexually arousing for any of the other Friday Fictioneers.  I toned it down from the original more graphic version but when you have a picture prompt like the above,  toning down the sexual vibe is about as easy as getting climate change on the agenda of the Republican National Convention.

To help your mind evolve to a higher plane, click here for the offerings of the other Friday Fictioneers.  Go to it, hotties!

In the meanwhile, I'm sitting here on the internet. Waiting to evolve.

Save Mount Moosejaw!

Copyright–Douglas M. MacIlroy

Perry and his friend Nanook talked on Skype every month or so. 

"It looks so beautiful by the lake and mountain up there in Alaska, Nanook," said Perry, fully enamored of the exotic friend he had met several years ago on vacation.

"Yes, but climate change is threatening our way of life, my friend," said Nanook.

"OMG!  What's happening?"

"Our environment is shrinking, seals are dying, and even Mount Moosejaw is crumbling!"

"That's terrible, Nanook!   What can I do?"

"There is nothing, my friend.  Farewell for now."

 As the transmission ended, Nanook turned to his brother, Rocky.

"Take down the phony set, Rock, and let's hit the beach!  Next month, we hit him up big  for the Save Mount Moosejaw Fund!"  

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You'll be happy to know I caught on to the ruse and didn't give the Save Mount Moosejaw Fund a single dime!   Of course I had previously funded the Nanook Scholarship Fund, Nanook School for Wayward Seals,  and Nanook Jewish Deli in the Tundra and I was pretty much out of money after that.

Anyway, that's my take on the above picture prompt for the Friday Fictioneers this week, and the many other Fictioneers' interpretations are available by clicking here.  Please check them out.

Just don't let any of them ask you for money for Mount Moosejaw!

Cold Snap!

Lately we've had a cold snap in the Philadelphia area, and yesterday it was so cold I actually saw a guy warming himself next to a Republican's heart.  I asked my son Brandon what had happened to global warming.

"Dad," said Brandon, "climate change doesn't mean it's never gonna be cold." 

"But I was banking on global warming to get me through a few more winters til I can retire someplace warm!"

"Someplace warm, Dad? You don't strike me as the Miami Beach type."

"No, I mean retire to Canada where I can get free health care.  I'm really banking on global warming!' 

Whether your local weatherperson calls it the Arctic Express, a Wintry Blast, or the Deep Freeze, temperatures hitting subterranean digits are Nature's way of telling us what a bunch of pansy asses we are compared to those who came before. Throughout history, people have lived through all kinds of weather in caves, tents, wigwams, igloos, and fecal-filled huts and hovels of every kind and description. 

Today, we nudge the thermostat up to 75 degrees because dang it, "our feet are just so darn tingly!"

Go outside?  Nah, what's the point?  Get the newspaper on the curb?  That's what the news babes on CNN are for!   Run to Super Fresh?  No, I've got a couple slices of kinda stale bread, half a can of Coke, and some peanut butter in the living room somewhere;  I'm good!

Comes the time when you absolutely positively must go outside and it's time to dress in layers. Time to put your long johns, undershirt,  turtleneck, sweater,  second sweater, two pairs of thick socks,  third sweater, additional pair of thick socks, hat and coat, and hat and coat, and woolen gloves your obsessive-compulsive aunt knitted you in the Sixties, and hat and coat.

Once you are finally finished wrapping and preparing yourself, you are at a loss to determine which of all of these layers about you represents your actual body. Why is itchy merino wool encasing my internal organs instead of skin? Why is there a zipper where my penis ought to be?

However, the careful preparation pays off handsomely.  Once outside,  it is so cold you can not only see your breath in front of your face, you can actually see it shivering!   But you, my friend, are toasty warm  during that arduous four and one-half second trot to the car and the turning on of the heat at full-blast.

Then you can begin removing the layers, one by one.

I guess maybe an occasional cold snap isn't such a bad thing.  It puts us in touch with what our forebears once endured and how truly privileged we are.  And maybe it also shows that global warming isn't quite as far along as we thought?

That would be great news for the planet, but not for me.  I was all set for Montreal, but I don't have a single white belt for Miami Beach.  

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So Much the Same

Obama returned for a four year term, Christmas commercials return to television, and I for another week return to the Friday Fictioneers for yet another go at a well prompted histoire.

How's that for a non sequitur?

I'm still a bit off the 100 word guideline this week, filing my little tale at about 153.  I promise if re-elected for another Friday term,  I'll for sure hit the mark.  But as with most political promises, don't hold your breath!  

So Much the Same 

Robert scratched his initials in the frozen glass on the window pane.  Just as he'd done when he was eight. 

So much the same, yet so much had changed.

As a child, his icy initials seemed to signal the promise of wintry excitement, a snowy day, no school, sledding, snowmen, hot chocolate leading to blissful nap. But now at over 40,  his frozen fingertips etched out only resignation, blustery conditions to be braved,  frigidness to be endured, no matter how cold, no matter how deep, for work never stopped. 

So much the same, yet so much had changed. 

Two headlights shone through the frosted window, and Brad was coming in the SUV, coming to pick him up.

"Always fun to work this day," said Brad,  steam rising from his breath as Robert climbed aboard.

"Yeah.  And remember when the Fourth of July used to be hot?"

So much the same, yet so much had changed.  

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Time-It Change

What the ....??!!!

What is happening to Time? 

Instead of marching on,  Time now rolls forward like a tank battalion!

All of us are rightly concerned about Climate Change.  But now we are facing yet another dire and devastating threat to the future of the planet.

Time-It Change! 

Under Time-It Change, entire years pass as quickly as a  Hollywood marriage. Turn around and another month has gone by. Hiccup and you've missed the summer. 

Burp and you've missed menopause.

To me it seems that Christmas comes but five times a year, my birthday is a bi-monthly event, and the entire first decade of the 21st Century hardly lasted longer than the run of HBO's "The Comeback" with Lisa Kudrow.

What ever happened to a "solid" hour? The kind of hour that used to last  four and a half hours in Geometry class three times a week in high school?

An hour anymore is barely time to sharpen your pencils.  

On Friday afternoons people are still bidding each other to "have a nice weekend." How can we possibly? There isn't time!  As soon as Friday dinner is over and the dishes are cleared away, on comes 60 Minutes  (which feels like six minutes), bedtime, and Monday morning.

Time flies? Not anymore. 

Today Time Facebooks!

But why aren't the world's scientists focusing right now on stopping Time-It Change? Why aren't they working day and night (which no longer lasts as long as day) to get Time back into proper gear? 

I'm aging uncontrollably this very split-hour!

Or do you think Time just seems to move faster because we're older?  Like the grown-ups said it would back we were impatiently awaiting our driver's license, senior prom, or 21st birthday?

There's only one thing to do?

Gab hold of each moment and make it last.

Happy 2012, Everybody!    

Ooops, it's gone!

~~~~~~~~~~~