The 2017 Donald J. Trump Collusion Investigational Invitational!

And there’s the sound of the gavel, and they’re off!

Welcome to the 2017 Donald J. Trump Collusion Investigational Invitational! Yes, it's the three governmental bodies probing collusion between the Baby President and Russia racing to determine who will be the first to smoke out what the Baby-in-Chief is up to!

Breaking into the lead is the House Intelligence Committee, led by Head Coach Devin Nunes.  What’s this?!!  Coach Nunes has broken stride!  Now he’s running off the track, with Assistant Coach Schiff hot in pursuit after him. But now Schiff himself has stopped --- for interviews!

House Intel is falling back! And Team Member Trey Gowdy is putting on the brakes even more, blathering on endlessly about unmasking to the point you’d think the next person to be unmasked was Zorro!

Surging past the House now is the Senate Intelligence Committee!  Led by Richard Burr and Mark Warner --- widely known as the Michael Jordan and Scottie Pippen of Professional Congressional Inquiry --- boy, have these guys come to investigate!

Team Senate Intel is moving briskly into the lead. Oh no, there’s a snag! Marco Rubio is attempting to weigh evidence, and from the looks of it you’d think he were trying to weigh Chris Christie!

Blowing past both Congressional Bodies now is the FBI!  They’re coming off a very bad year with an extremely erratic effort in the 2016 Hillary Rodham Clinton E-Mail Investigational Invitational!

But look at the mercurial but talented Jimmy “Too Tall” Comey go now, answering tough questions, probing evidence, and barreling over every hurdle set for Team FBI by Trump apologists! Not too shabby for an investigational body that used to be run by a man in a dress! 

And now they’re coming around the far turn, it’s the FBI with a lead driving to its conclusions, but here comes House Intel with a burst of speedy justice, and now it’s Senate Intel dashing toward the truth!

And here’s the finish line in this, the 2017 Donald J. Trump Collusion Investigational Invitational!

And the winner is ......

We don’t know yet. But we do know who the loser is.

The American people. 

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Just a Couple of Presidents Talkin' on President's Day

"Happy President's Day, George!"

"You too, Abe. 

Happy Us Day!" 

"Imagine the two of us sharing a holiday, George!  Me and you, the first and second most important Presidents in U. S. history."

"That's right, I  ... wait a minute!  Who are you calling first and who second?"

"Well, clearly I'm first!  Which one of us had a world class motion picture out this year directed by Mr. Steven Spielberg and starring the incomparable Daniel Day-Lewis, the male gender's answer to Meryl Streep?"

"Well, I've been in movies too. And more filmstrips than Jack Hanna!"

"Terrific.  And by the way, I've also been played by  Henry Fonda, Raymond Massey, Jason Robards, and Academy Award Winner F. Murray Abraham. Who you got --- Jeff Daniels?"

"Well ... he's really good in Newsroom."

"Yeah, with Sorkin writing his lines!  And, George, there wasn't just one but TWO big movies out about me this year!"

"You're counting the stupid vampire movie!?"

"And I suppose you have a project in development with Judd Apatow?"

"I'm Number One! With that beard, you'd be lucky to get a part in a feminine hygiene commercial, if you catch my drift!" 

"With your teeth, you'd be lucky to get PoliGrip!  Bet you'd really gum the scenery too!"

"You couldn't deliver the Gettysburg Address without half a dozen Marco Rubio moments!"

"Then again maybe you could take an acting class, and learn how to act teeth!" 

"HEY, GEORGE & ABE:  You two need to cut this crap out!"

"Why, it's Bill Clinton!  Hey, Bubba!"

"Slick Willie!  Elvis has re-entered the building!"

"You two guys need to work together on this.  Accordin' to my standards ...

"According to your standards, Bill, my life was about as exciting as winter in Valley Forge. You, Abe?"

"Absolutely, George! Four score and seven had nothing to do with the number of babes I got to ..."

"No, no, no, guys! I just have two words to whisper to you both.  And they are ....."

"OMG, you're right, Bill!  Abe, you and I are both Numero Uno!"

"Right you are, Georgie!  Let's go get ourselves a drink and some dinner.

"Good deal, Abe.   And maybe later --- if you can hack it --- we'll take in a show!"

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Folks, what I whispered to Abe and George were the words:

Hillary Clinton!

I figured they'd rather spend the next four years sharin' first place than arguin' in 2016 who's gonna be second and who's third!

Watch Out: It's Slugger Mitt!

Watch out, Dems!

 I slightly dented the cover off the ball.

As the Democratic National Convention opened yesterday in Charlotte NC, Republican strategists were crowing about how the listless and passionless DNC fell far short of the heart-stopping thrills-a-poppin' excitement generated by last week's Republican National Convention.

"When it comes to getting the pulse racing," said GOP operative  Mary Matalin," you just can't beat overweight middle-aged white guys from the Bible Belt!"

"After watching Michelle Obama stumble through her incoherent mess of a speech in that wooden style of hers," beamed  Karl Rove, "Democrats must concede they have no one can match the charm and charisma of our powerhouse candidate Governor Mitt Romney!" 

"When he spoke last week,  Mitt really hit it into the park!" crowed Rove.  "He might  have even stretched it to a double if the pitcher had bobbled that smash bunt of his."

GOP adviser Ed Gillespie proudly pointed to the dynamic performance of rising Republican superstar Marco Rubio who movingly and verbosely invoked the spirit of the American Dream, "which is legally owned by Republicans."  

"Senator Rubio's slightly overlong nomination speech --- which is still on-going on and running  simultaneously with the entire Democratic National Convention ---  is sure to drive millions of viewers away from Bill Clinton's DNC address tonight.   Hah, bet Clinton's speech will be about as exciting as an interview with an empty chair!"

"Go ahead, Dems," said all three Republican pundits,  "Make my Day!"

Uh-oh,  my fellow Democrats ...

Here comes Slugger Mitt! 

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Last Night at the DNC