Tuesday, June 9, 2015

Hillary Clinton's Race for the White House Board Game

               Ready, Everyone?  Let's Play!

Just hangin' with Bill one day, giving him shit, and then it occurred to me that ...

I think it might be fun to run a country!

Spin: Announce candidacy with idealistic words "Everyday Americans need a champion. And I want to be that champion."   Advance directly to PAC Plaza and Cash Causeway! 

Spin: Land on Bernie Sanders. Agree that he is a principled, hard working, and caring individual who truly wants the best for America.  Thank God he is un-electable! Spin again. 

Spin:  Land on Rick Perry. Stop to explain his own programs to him.  Lose five turns before giving up.

Spin:  Land on Climate Change. All GOP Candidates think it's false or say "I am not a scientist," including Ben Carson and Bobby Jindal, who are scientists. Proceed directly to White House Vestibule!

                          Enter FOX NEWS FOREST

Spin: Land on Benghazi. "Lies! Treason!  Ignored pleas from consulate for more security including request for a large bald ogre with a club!  Unanswered Questions, many in easy multiple choice format! Told forces to stand down and have a nice lunch! Lies! Treason!
Benghazi!     BENGHAZI!      Benghazi!!!"

(Ah, shut up already, you jerks. Proceed directly to White House Vestibule!)

Spin: Land on Scandal Smorgasbord. "Whitewater, Rose Law Firm, missing files, favoritism, Travelgate, financial  irregularities, unexplained firings, money lost, money made, yada yada, yada" ... Alright, who knows, maybe there is something somewhere. Okay, lose a turn.

Spin: Land on Sean Hannity. If this were a golf course you would now be in the biggest sand trap in history!  Must spin a 7 to get out. Hurry!  And as soon as you are out, don't forget to rake his face!


Spin: Land on Scott Walker. This guy posed naked and thinks he has the stones to stand up to Putin?! Well, he does have stones anyway.  Lose a turn to ogle him because you probably haven't seen a naked dude in a long time.

Spin:  Land on Rick Santorum.  Stop to explain that Transgender does not refer to train which runs from Europe to Asia as in Transgender Express. Advance 5 

Spin: Land on Ted Cruz. Wait a minute! This guy went to Princeton and Harvard?!!  You're incredulous? Go back 3 spaces for being Incredulous!

Spin: Land on Monica Lewinsky.  Lose a turn for Scratching her Eyes Out

Spin:  Land on Evolution. All GOP Candidates think it's false or say "I am not a scientist," including Ben Carson and Bobby Jindal, who are scientists. Proceed directly to White House Vestibule!

Spin:  Land on Marco Rubio.  This is the true Watergate!  Spin twice while he's still drinking.

Spin: Land on Bill Clinton.  Advance 25 spaces for standing by him publicly while Scratching his Eyes Out. 

Spin:  Land on Jeb Bush, who makes valiant effort to convince nation he is an only child.  Epic Fail.  Advance 10 Spaces.

Spin: Land on Pantsuit Palace to refuel campaign wardrobe. Ogle yourself but lose two turns. 
Spin:  Land on Mike Huckabee. Carelessly mispronounce his name. Return to Sean Hannity!  (Only kidding ... return to Marco Rubio.) 

Spin: Land on Jeb Bush, this time making ill-conceived effort to attract female voters. History making fail.  Spin three times.

Enter E-MailGate

Spin: Land on Invitations Sent to Play Candy Crush.  Lose two Turns and Go Play the Stupid Game already.

Spin: Land on E-Mails to Unknown Wealthy Nigerian. Deduct 22 million dollars from campaign war chest and get butt back to PAC Plaza and Cash Causeway ASAP!

Spin: Land on E-Mails with Raunchy Jokes to and from Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid.  No penalty provided you share some with us.

Depart E-MailGate

Spin: Land on Rand Paul. Trip over toupee blown off by his own hot air. Treat skinned knee,  return to Pantsuit Palace to buy new pantsuit.

Spin: Land on White House Vestibule, 3 spaces away from White House.  Must spin exact number to enter White House, become President, and win the game.

Spin: Too bad, you spun a 4. Oh, I forgot  to mention if you spin above the correct number, you Return to Start. Well, there's no reason to call me that, Hillary! Gee, you are a bitch!

Spin:  Okay,  okay, you're in, you're in!  Congratulations and ....

Hail to the Chief!


Home Sweet Home
Once More.

"Bill!  Bill!  Is that vacuuming and dusting done yet? Did you iron my pantsuit?
And did you hire the new intern?  Yeah, Scott! Who the fuck else?" 



Perry Block said...

Whew, I'm worn out! Maybe I'll add me some shortcuts, like in Candyland.'

Russell said...

You think you're exhausted, we've had to put up with them since the 70s. You really should come down for a pilgrimage, Perry. I'll take you to Bill & Hillary's first home in Fayetteville. It is now a mini-museum. It's only a block from sorority row where Bill hand picked and trained all his interns. Then afterwards, we can both confess to not having sexual relations with those women. The only trouble is, people will actually believe us.

Perry Block said...

"I did not have sex with that woman or any woman!" Yes, we know Perry. So what?
Yeah it would be great to come down sometime. I've been to Little Rock a number of times you may recall and actually did meet a few women who had not dated Clinton. Most lived in shame.
Anyway, thanks for playing our game, we have some fine parting gifts for you and a home version of "Hillary Clinton's Race for the White House" Board Game. Now get outta here, you!