Hillary Clinton's Race for the White House Board Game

               Ready, Everyone?  Let's Play!

Just hangin' with Bill one day, giving him shit, and then it occurred to me that ...

I think it might be fun to run a country!

START!

Spin: Announce candidacy with idealistic words "Everyday Americans need a champion. And I want to be that champion."   Advance directly to PAC Plaza and Cash Causeway! 

Spin: Land on Bernie Sanders. Agree that he is a principled, hard working, and caring individual who truly wants the best for America.  Thank God he is un-electable! Spin again. 

Spin:  Land on Rick Perry. Stop to explain his own programs to him.  Lose five turns before giving up.

Spin:  Land on Climate Change. All GOP Candidates think it's false or say "I am not a scientist," including Ben Carson and Bobby Jindal, who are scientists. Proceed directly to White House Vestibule!

                  

                          Enter FOX NEWS FOREST

Spin: Land on Benghazi. "Lies! Treason!  Ignored pleas from consulate for more security including request for a large bald ogre with a club!  Unanswered Questions, many in easy multiple choice format! Told forces to stand down and have a nice lunch! Lies! Treason!

Benghazi!     BENGHAZI!      Benghazi!!!"

(Ah, shut up already, you jerks. Proceed directly to White House Vestibule!)

Spin: Land on Scandal Smorgasbord. "Whitewater, Rose Law Firm, missing files, favoritism, Travelgate, financial  irregularities, unexplained firings, money lost, money made, yada yada, yada" ... Alright, who knows, maybe there is something somewhere. Okay, lose a turn.

Spin: Land on Sean Hannity. If this were a golf course you would now be in the biggest sand trap in history!  Must spin a 7 to get out. Hurry!  And as soon as you are out, don't forget to rake his face!

Depart FOX NEWS FOREST 

Spin: Land on Scott Walker. This guy posed naked and thinks he has the stones to stand up to Putin?! Well, he does have stones anyway.  Lose a turn to ogle him because you probably haven't seen a naked dude in a long time.

Spin:  Land on Rick Santorum.  Stop to explain that Transgender does not refer to train which runs from Europe to Asia as in Transgender Express. Advance 5 
spaces.

Spin: Land on Ted Cruz. Wait a minute! This guy went to Princeton and Harvard?!!  You're incredulous? Go back 3 spaces for being Incredulous!

Spin: Land on Monica Lewinsky.  Lose a turn for Scratching her Eyes Out. 

Spin:  Land on Evolution. All GOP Candidates think it's false or say "I am not a scientist," including Ben Carson and Bobby Jindal, who are scientists. Proceed directly to White House Vestibule!

Spin:  Land on Marco Rubio.  This is the true Watergate!  Spin twice while he's still drinking.

Spin: Land on Bill Clinton.  Advance 25 spaces for standing by him publicly while Scratching his Eyes Out. 

Spin:  Land on Jeb Bush, who makes valiant effort to convince nation he is an only child.  Epic Fail.  Advance 10 Spaces.

Spin: Land on Pantsuit Palace to refuel campaign wardrobe. Ogle yourself but lose two turns. 

                              

Spin:  Land on Mike Huckabee. Carelessly mispronounce his name. Return to Sean Hannity!  (Only kidding ... return to Marco Rubio.) 

Spin: Land on Jeb Bush, this time making ill-conceived effort to attract female voters. History making fail.  Spin three times.

Enter E-MailGate

Spin: Land on Invitations Sent to Play Candy Crush.  Lose two Turns and Go Play the Stupid Game already.

Spin: Land on E-Mails to Unknown Wealthy Nigerian. Deduct 22 million dollars from campaign war chest and get butt back to PAC Plaza and Cash Causeway ASAP!

Spin: Land on E-Mails with Raunchy Jokes to and from Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid.  No penalty provided you share some with us.

Depart E-MailGate

Spin: Land on Rand Paul. Trip over toupee blown off by his own hot air. Treat skinned knee,  return to Pantsuit Palace to buy new pantsuit.

                       

Spin: Land on White House Vestibule, 3 spaces away from White House.  Must spin exact number to enter White House, become President, and win the game.

Spin: Too bad, you spun a 4. Oh, I forgot  to mention if you spin above the correct number, you Return to Start. Well, there's no reason to call me that, Hillary! Gee, you are a bitch!

Spin:  Okay,  okay, you're in, you're in!  Congratulations and ....

Hail to the Chief!

  

Home Sweet Home
Once More.

"Bill!  Bill!  Is that vacuuming and dusting done yet? Did you iron my pantsuit?
And did you hire the new intern?  Yeah, Scott! Who the fuck else?" 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And That's How Evolution Works (FF)

© Douglas M. MacIlroy

"And that's how evolution works, class.  To adapt to the new climate beginning in the mid-21st century, mankind rapidly evolved in a number of ways."

"That's how we used to look, Professor Goldberg?   All covered with - what did you call it - skin, and without razor sharp teeth to ferret out food?"

"Exactly, Mr. Clifford.  And those awkward appendages called legs gave way to fins for better mobility."

"Look how ugly people used to be!  How did we become so facially attractive, Professor?"

“Because, Ms. James, we needed to repopulate the planet. That's why everyone evolved to be so smokin' hot!"

"God Bless Evolution, Professor Goldberg!"

"Class dismissed.  Go to it, hotties!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I sincerely hope this post wasn't too sexually arousing for any of the other Friday Fictioneers.  I toned it down from the original more graphic version but when you have a picture prompt like the above,  toning down the sexual vibe is about as easy as getting climate change on the agenda of the Republican National Convention.

To help your mind evolve to a higher plane, click here for the offerings of the other Friday Fictioneers.  Go to it, hotties!

In the meanwhile, I'm sitting here on the internet. Waiting to evolve.

A Leprechaun Leap Year

  Unsure and Begorrah! 

May I have ye're attention please? 

(Members of me staff, kindly complete your last jig and take ye're seats ...) 

Top of the Mornin' to Ye!   My name is Mulford O'Munchkin, President and Chief Executive Officer of Imps, Scamps, and Leprechauns International Inc.  We are the spritely folk who visit human beings 'round the world each and every St. Patrick's Day, bringing  mirth, merriment, and just the right dash of silly. 

Tee, hee, hee, hee, hee!

But not this year.

It is me sad duty to inform the people of the USA that we will make no personal appearances in ye're country in 2012,  not even on behalf of Lucky Charms.  And they pay us a damn good buck to hawk that sugary crap that makes ye're kids obese and gives ye diabetes! 

You see, we make our living making silly.  We throw books about when no one's around, to the delight of children.  We pull the cat's tail, to the delight of the dog.   And we yank chairs out from under people's big fat arses, to the delight of the person they're married to!

La, la, la, tee, hee, hee!

But this year, you Americans have outdone us in silly!   

*leaps in the air and clicks heels*

Ye have devised a political process for electing presidents that is so silly it makes tossing books about look like a graduate level course in William Butler Yeats! 
It is so silly it makes pulling chairs out from under people's big fat arses seem like bein' so smart ye can actually locate and understand the dirty parts in James Joyce's "Ulysses!"

What if we came to ye're country and one of ye managed to catch one of us,  and we had to grant ye a wish?  What are ye gonna wish for?  

Dumber candidates?  

Ye've already got a guy running who doesn't believe in Evolution. What would ye like next, some idiot who believes in leprechauns? Then you've got a guy whom nobody likes or trusts, puts his foot in his mouth every time he opens it, and changes his positions faster than I can yank a chair out from under Melissa McCarthy's big fat arse ....  and he's the front-runner! 

That goes beyond silly, me friends!   That's friggin' nuts,  pardon me Gaelic!   

So you see, ye Americans simply wouldn't find our brand of silly all that silly anymore.  

*dances a little jig!* 

Oh, one more thing:  Ye're silly process is a  dire threat to the security of the entire planet.  Should ye fail to thoroughly fix its big fat arse by St. Paddy's Day next, ye'll leave us no choice but to ...

Obliterate every man, woman, and child in ye're country and reduce the United States of America to a smoking burnt-out ruin!!! 

Gort Barada Nikto.  Sure and Begorrah! 

Tee, hee, hee, hee! 

Happy St. Patrick's Day, Everybody!

Now I wanna tickle each and every one of ye!  

*tickles each and every one of us*

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Mystery of Adnan and Evie

WTF?

It falls to me this evening to set down in writing the strange discovery made by my archeological party and me during our dig last month in a region of the Middle East which lies comfortably within the historically defined area known as the Fertile Crescent.  

I sense that what we have discovered may be without precedent. Indeed I have never seen anything like this, and I --- Professor Lance Lewitsky of the for-profit Community College of Burford Montana --- have been studying archeology for over 35 years, ever since I first learned that there was no gym class required.

It was on the fourth day of our expedition that we made the discovery.  As our dig moved near to an unusually large tree of indeterminate fruit, we unearthed a gigantic fossil in the shape of an enormous human-like hand.  The hand was outstretched with its index finger pointing at something … or someone.

It was the biggest hand any one of us had ever seen, and I used to have season tickets to the Lakers. Furthermore the finger nails were finely manicured, the cuticles were unbitten, and the life line extended all the way from the wrist around the palm onto the back of the hand and back to the wrist. Several hundred times. 

Whoever this hand was attached to, he or she may hardly ever die!

We took several photographs of the hand fossil. Each one of them shows all 15 members of our team fitting comfortably within its palm with ample room remaining for the hand to have reached over and grabbed a generous helping of popcorn, probably buttered.  Subsequent carbon dating of the hand fossil has revealed it to be about 6,000 years old, however, slightly before the advent of buttered popcorn.

But the giant hand was just the beginning. Several days later, we made an even more unique discovery.

Approximately 25 feet away from the spot where the index finger of the huge hand had been pointing, we uncovered the fossils of a nude man and woman. Both of them appeared to be staring at the giant hand, each bearing the same incredulous facial expression as if to be saying “What the fuck is this?”

For convenience sake, I have named the two figures "Adnan and Evie," two arbitrary names I picked out of a hat at random for no particular reason whatsoever.

Although Adnan appears to have suffered a small injury to the abdomen and may have even been missing a rib otherwise both Adnan and Evie appear to be in prime physical condition. Frankly Evie, preserved there as she is in the buff, is nothing less than smokin’ hot! 

From my observations I believe these two may have spent much of their lives cavorting joyfully in a secluded magical garden abounding with lush flora, fauna, and all of the glorious flowing wonders of the heavens and the earth.  It is my hypothesis that this idyllic existence continued until some judgmental being of undetermined origin apparently showed up and ruined everything. I surmise that this malignant entity was so unyielding that it would not even permit them to ingest the juicy appearing fruit from the nearby tree.

But let’s get back to the enormous hand. What could be the relationship between the giant hand and Adnan and Evie? One theory posits that the huge hand might have broughtest them forth unto the earth, fashioningest them from the dust, and/or even createsting them out of nothingness altogether.  Or perhaps it was merely tickling them or giving them the largest ever “got your nose” in human history.

It would be helpful if we could undertake further research on these discoveries, but funding is so difficult to come by.  I am constantly surprised by how many funding sources are controlled by politically and religiously conservative Republicans who are anti-science. I won’t even bother approaching them.

I was glad that we were able to return to the United States both on time and on budget at the end of our expedition. Due to a fortunate occurrence, the Atlantic Ocean parted in two so that our party could swiftly get across.

I’m not sure there is precedent for that either.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Short History of Humanity

We have shoving each other, why do we need grunting?

We have grunting, why do we need short bursts of grunting?

We have short bursts of grunting, why do we need small words?

We have small words, why do we need big words?

We have big words, we do we need big and small words together?

We have big and small words together, why do we need many big and small words together?

We have many big and small words together, why do we need talking?

We have talking, why do we need a man talking to one man and then running to other places and talking to another man?

We have a man talking to one man and then running to other places and talking to another man, why do we need a man carrying talking inscribed on dried clay tablets riding in an oxcart to other places to give talking inscribed on dried clay tablets to another man?

We have a man carrying talking inscribed on dried clay tablets riding in an oxcart to other places to give talking inscribed on dried clay tablets to another man, why do we need a man carrying papyrus scrolls riding in a chariot to other places to present papyrus scrolls to another man?

We have a man carrying papyrus scrolls riding in a chariot to other places to present papyrus scrolls to another man, why do we need a man carrying official communiqués of the realm and correspondence to and from the educated elite riding in a carriage drawn by a team of horses to other places to provide official communiqués of the realm and correspondence to and from the educated elite to another man?

We have a man carrying official communiqués of the realm and correspondence to and from the educated elite riding in a carriage drawn by a team of horses to other places to provide official communiqués of the realm and correspondence to and from the educated elite to another man, why do we need a man or woman carrying the U.S. Mail riding in a stagecoach or steam locomotive to other places to deliver the U.S. Mail to other men or women?

We have a man or woman carrying the U.S. Mail riding in a stagecoach or steam locomotive to other places to deliver the U.S. Mail to other men or women, why do we need the telegraph?

We have the telegraph, why do we need the telephone?

We have the telephone, why do we need faxing?

We have faxing, why do we need e-mailing?

We have e-mailing, why do we need e-mailing to lap-tops, blackberries, and other portable devices?

We have e-mailing to lap-tops, blackberries, and other portable devices, why do we need texting?

We have texting, why do we need I-Phones, myriad apps, Twitter, and Facebook?

We have I-Phones, myriad apps, Twitter, and Facebook, why do we need teleporting?

We have teleporting, why do we need teleporting to distant planets and other dimensions?

We have teleporting to distant planets and other dimensions, why do we need time traveling?

We have time traveling, why do we need gerwaffling?

We have gerwaffling, why do we need krelmaning?

We have krelmaning, why do we need Badidi Badidi Badidi Roy_ying?

We have Badidi Badidi Badidi Roy_ying, why do we need shoving each other?

The End.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~