Easier Trumped Than Done

  

“This is more work than in my previous life,” said Trump in an interview yesterday. “I thought it would be easier.”

Really?

Thought it would be easier to be President of the United States and leader of the Free World than running a reality show? That’s like expecting it to be easier to lead your team to consecutive Super Bowl victories than to purchase Madden 18 and successfully install it before your 2:30 PM nap.

Oddly enough, however, Trump is not the first President to make similar comments about the unexpected difficulties of the job of being President of the United States....

“This is more work than in my previous life,” said George Washington in an interview yesterday. “I thought it would be easier.  I’ve been so busy of late I haven’t had a moment’s time for proper dental care!”

“This is more work than in my previous life,” said Thomas Jefferson in an interview yesterday. “I thought it would be easier.  If only someone would make The Declaration of Independence into a musical, I could make some dough and get out of here! How do you like Well, I Declare! as a title?"  

“This is more work than in my previous life,” said Andrew Jackson in an interview yesterday. “I thought it would be easier. At least that idiot President two centuries from now appreciates me!”

“This is more work than in my previous life,” said Abraham Lincoln in an interview yesterday. “I thought it would be easier.  I thought all I’d have to do is grow some whiskers, bind up the nation’s wounds, and then take in some really great off Broadway theater!”

“This is more work than in my previous life,” said Theodore Roosevelt in an interview yesterday. “I thought it would be easier. Lemme see now: Speak Bigly and Carry a Soft Stick.’ Ahh, shit, I’ll never get that right!”  

“This is more work than in my previous life,” said Barack Obama in an interview yesterday. “I thought it would be easier. One day as President of the United States is like two as a Community Organizer! Maybe three, if the community is in Texas.”

And …

“This is more work than in my previous life,” said the Lord God in an interview yesterday. “I thought it would be easier. Here it’s been 100 days already and I haven’t yet been able to remove that lame ass Trump from being President!”

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On the whole, guys, it's a hell of a lot

 easier to be here than President!

No Frills? No More! Part II

Look up in the sky!  It's a bird, it's a plane, its .... 

As will come of no surprise to many of you, there is no such thing as "many of you." That's because my blog Perry Block - Nouveau Old, Formerly Cute (NOFC) continues to have all the popularity of a firmly hooked brassiere during spring break. 

Frankly, if you took all the fans of NOFC and laid them end to end, I'd have just lost those few fans I have because you had to take them and lay them end to end!   So don't do it, schmuck! 

Several months ago I decided to spruce up the appearance of my blog in the hopes that cuter looks would better lure readers to the land of the formerly cute. I began to experiment with the shape, format, and colors of the blog site itself, but the results proved disappointing.  In the all-important demographic of "Those Breathing," NOFC's ratings were recorded at a point/share ratio of 0/.0107, indicating that the only people tuned in were those being subjected to political torture in foreign countries.

Next, I looked at the verbiage in my blog header to see if it could perhaps be punched up a bit:

Perry Block - Nouveau Old, Formerly Cute

Celebrating Infrastructure! Yes, this blog is dedicated to those organizational underpinnings and foundations upon which real estate development may be judiciously analyzed and calibrated. We  HEART! water supply, sewer systems, storm runoff plans, septic tanks, and the myriad zoning regulations, ordinances, and variances that inexorably and forever inhere and appertain thereto!" 

Nope, no problem there.

Turning my attention to the appearance of the header, I wondered if the words alone --- scintillating though they were --- failed to reach full potential without pictures or graphics.  So I experimented further with a variety of visuals.

I tried Art.

Perry Block - Nouveau Old, Formerly Cute

But I simply couldn't get The Scream to stop screaming for hours afterward.

I tried Great Historical Figures. 

Perry Block - Nouveau Old, Formerly Cute

But Dolores Kearns Goodwin nixed this, concerned that the implication that Abraham Lincoln would ever have associated with me would so diminish his reputation they'd re-award credit for ending slavery to the guy standing closest to him in 1863.

I tried a combination of Art and History.

Perry Block - Nouveau Old, Formerly Cute

At first this header proved truly inspirational, but my continuously coming on to Liberty while she was trying to lead the People finally forced the People to hire former Philadelphia Eagles Coach Andy Reid to lead them in her place.

I clearly needed help, so I reached out and found a talented artist and cartoonist in the Philadelphia area named Matt Andrews.  I explained the Baby Boomer concept of the blog to Matt and asked if he could design a cartoon version of me -- a doppelganger, if you will, only this time with black sketch lines outlining my entire body. In real life, of course my body is outlined in purple.

"I'd love to try!" said Matt. "Can you send me a more recent picture of yourself than your avatar?"

"Umm, what makes you think my avatar is not current?"

"The reference to Matthew Brady in the lower left hand corner."

The first few drafts by Matt were not exactly what I had in mind, his comprehension of a Baby Boomer perhaps a wee bit skewed. But over time, he developed the near perfect header for this very imperfect blog.  And in a couple of weeks, the final drawings were completed and officially installed on Perry Block - Nouveau Old, Formerly Cute at a formal stained tie ginger ale reception.     

             

And now please, everyone, Look up in the sky! Or at least to the top of this blog. It's a bird, it's a plane, it's ... 

It's the new Cartoon Me!  I'm in typical pose under attack by the demon calendar trying to drag me into the days of my dotage while I battle tooth (those that I have left) and nail to return to the days of my youth. But no matter how it all comes out, thank you, Matt Andrews!  

That is, for minimizing my nose.

Has Cartoon Me and the new blog header made any difference?  Nah, NOFC still has all the popularity of a firmly-hooked brassiere on Mindy from Scarsdale during the last day of spring break.   But at least things may be looking up for Cartoon Me.

Lately The Scream's been coming on to him. 

Can Liberty Leading the People be far behind?

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Just a Couple of Presidents Talkin' on President's Day

"Happy President's Day, George!"

"You too, Abe. 

Happy Us Day!" 

"Imagine the two of us sharing a holiday, George!  Me and you, the first and second most important Presidents in U. S. history."

"That's right, I  ... wait a minute!  Who are you calling first and who second?"

"Well, clearly I'm first!  Which one of us had a world class motion picture out this year directed by Mr. Steven Spielberg and starring the incomparable Daniel Day-Lewis, the male gender's answer to Meryl Streep?"

"Well, I've been in movies too. And more filmstrips than Jack Hanna!"

"Terrific.  And by the way, I've also been played by  Henry Fonda, Raymond Massey, Jason Robards, and Academy Award Winner F. Murray Abraham. Who you got --- Jeff Daniels?"

"Well ... he's really good in Newsroom."

"Yeah, with Sorkin writing his lines!  And, George, there wasn't just one but TWO big movies out about me this year!"

"You're counting the stupid vampire movie!?"

"And I suppose you have a project in development with Judd Apatow?"

"I'm Number One! With that beard, you'd be lucky to get a part in a feminine hygiene commercial, if you catch my drift!" 

"With your teeth, you'd be lucky to get PoliGrip!  Bet you'd really gum the scenery too!"

"You couldn't deliver the Gettysburg Address without half a dozen Marco Rubio moments!"

"Then again maybe you could take an acting class, and learn how to act teeth!" 

"HEY, GEORGE & ABE:  You two need to cut this crap out!"

"Why, it's Bill Clinton!  Hey, Bubba!"

"Slick Willie!  Elvis has re-entered the building!"

"You two guys need to work together on this.  Accordin' to my standards ...

"According to your standards, Bill, my life was about as exciting as winter in Valley Forge. You, Abe?"

"Absolutely, George! Four score and seven had nothing to do with the number of babes I got to ..."

"No, no, no, guys! I just have two words to whisper to you both.  And they are ....."

"OMG, you're right, Bill!  Abe, you and I are both Numero Uno!"

"Right you are, Georgie!  Let's go get ourselves a drink and some dinner.

"Good deal, Abe.   And maybe later --- if you can hack it --- we'll take in a show!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Folks, what I whispered to Abe and George were the words:

Hillary Clinton!

I figured they'd rather spend the next four years sharin' first place than arguin' in 2016 who's gonna be second and who's third!

Brain Fart!

Ooops!

In a week of truly terrible news,  Governor Rick Perry's brain fart at the Republican Presidential hopefuls' debate last Wednesday night served as a sort of comic relief for the nation. 

So comic in fact that Governor Perry went and did a Letterman Top Ten List on Thursday night in an attempt at damage control for stammering, stumbling, and appearing like a total idiot in front of the national television audience when called upon to state what he supposedly believes in with all his heart and soul.

Brain freeze?  Yes, you or I (especially you!)  could easily forget our own names if called upon to debate governmental policy in front of millions.  But we don't want to be President of the United States!

You do?  Shut up, you're ruining this bit!

What happens when President Perry has a brain fart when his finger is on the button and he forgets what country he's supposed to destroy?  Hopefully he'll have had an earlier brain fart and the only button he'll have his finger on will be on his belly!

Just imagine the impact a badly timed brain fart might have had on great historical events:


Friend, Romans, and Countrymen,  lend me your .... umm ..... uhhh .... lawnmower!  .... no, that's not it .... buck fifty for a cup of coffee .... no, that's not right .... seersucker sports coat, I've got a hot date on Friday! ...... nah, not it .... ooops! 

 Mark Antony,  Julius Caesar, Act III, Scene II 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

I know not what course others may take; but as for me, give me liberty or give me. ... umm .... uhhhh .... a set of Samsonite luggage!  .... no, that's not it ....  a new car!  Yes, Patrick, you'll be the talk of the town behind the wheel of  .... no, that's not right .... sorry, Patrick, but we have some fine parting gifts ..... nah, not it .... ooops!

Patrick Henry, Virginia Convention, March 23, 1775

~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent a new nation, conceived in liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that .... umm .... uhhhh .... girls just wanna have fun, they just wanna, they just wanna! .... no, that's not it ....  I'm lovin it! .... no, that's not right .... why don't we do it in the road? .... nah, not it .... ooops! 

Abraham Lincoln,  The Gettysburg Address, November 19, 1863

~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Brain farts, so you see,  can be kind of risky if you aspire to greatness.

Politicians should best stick to the other type of fart.  

Frankly, with what's coming out of Washington,  we're all used to the smell.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 
 

Lick the Living, from the Postal Service

Honest Abe:

 Dead, So You Can Count on Him!  

In order to combat seas of red ink, the U. S. Postal Service this week announced it will begin issuing stamps featuring likenesses of  people who are still alive, which will hopefully appeal to collectors and thus spark badly needed sales.  Until now it’s been necessary to be stone cold, six feet under, and as far from your “Happy Place” as it’s possible to be in order to have a postage stamp issued adorned with your kisser.

Frankly, I’m not sure this change is such a good idea.  The great benefit in being someone who’s dead is that the book on you is closed!

Abraham Lincoln, for example, is highly unlikely at this point in time to begin tweeting visual images of his ding-dong to the national membership of the Daughters of the American Revolution.  Were he somehow to begin doing so, the cachet of affixing a stamp featuring his profile upon an envelope addressed to the attorney suing your company for sexual harassment would be greatly diminished.

Once the Postal Service institutes Lick the Living, the viability of our entire postal system becomes at the mercy of the latest celebrity melt-down. Were it already in effect ...

Your son or daughter could kiss presents of any consequence goodbye when the only book of stamps available for sending out over 230 Bar or Bat Mitzvah invitations is a Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome Mel Gibson, circa 1985.

Sending a condolence card? Best not to dispatch it with a stamp bearing the likeness of America’s Numero Uno Executioner, Governor Rick Perry of Texas, circa 2010.

And if you send a billing to anyone in 2011 with a Kevin James stamp, why would he or she even bother to open it, let alone pay it? 

Instead of issuing this new series of stamps, I propose the U. S. Postal Service implement a slogan to promote the strengths it already possesses:

For all  your postal and mailing needs, a dead guy gets you there with all godspeed! 

With a slick tag line like that, the Postal Service could be back in the black in no time!

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