Where Is Everybody?

Is anybody here?  I'll settle for a Republican!

There is something peculiar about this day. 

I've felt it since the moment I first awakened.  Something more peculiar than just my pajama drawstring having gotten caught and knotted around you-know-what which had me talking like the late Truman Capote until I got to the john. 

I think to take a look outside. 

Odd.  There is  no one anywhere.  No men. No women.  No children.  (I think that about covers it.)

Where is Everybody?  

I leave my home and walk for blocks.  Stores shuttered  .... restaurants closed ... no one to be seen. Everywhere I look is like a convention of viewers of the Oprah Winfrey Network. 

Where is Everybody? 

I call out now in rising fear.  "Hey, I've got Regis Philbin here,  come out and meet him and get a selfie!"

But Regis doesn't draw like he used to.  How soon they forget, even Regis.

Now I run frantically from building to building like a giant pinball but without the dings, lights, or any half-way decent total of points!

Where is Everybody?! 

Has the Zombie Apocalypse taken place while I slept? Where are the mindless creatures bent on eating our brains and making us soulless and inhumane just like they are? And aside from Republicans, where are the Zombies? 

Or maybe I've awakened in a world where everyone is invisible. 

If everyone is invisible, that would make going to a movie hardly worth 12 bucks unless it stars Morgan Freeman's voice. 

Where is Everybody?!!  

Oh dear God, a lot of people owe me money!!

Am I going mad?! Perhaps I've been abducted by a giant alien who has brought me to his home planet to serve as a play toy for his young daughter!  No, that's unlikely since in space they only have A batteries and I run on re-chargable D's. 

Where is Everybody?!!!  

Despair!  Terror!  Indigestion! 

I feel alone, solitary, totally isolated from the whole of humanity! I've never had this feeling before other than when I'm having sex with my usual partner. 

"Where is Everybody?!!!! 

Anybody ... anybody ...   I'll settle for Nicholas Cage!!!  Oh, to hear a song by ABBA or stand-up by Tracy Morgan!!!"

Suddenly emerging from the shadows is a figure of a man.  A big fat man.  A big fat sweaty bald man in plaid shorts with a T-shirt that says "Kiss Me, I'm  the Cook!"

"Thank God!  Hello, hello, my friend, oh thank God!!!"  

"Yeah, dude?" 

"You and I are the last people on Earth!!!" 

"Idiot! It's the Fourth of July and everybody's at the shore, pool, or backyard barbecues."

"Oh, yeah,  I forgot.  Well, then why are you here?"

"Ran outta ice." 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If you liked this post, you might also like The Trouble with Mr. Serling, The Eye of the Be-Voter, and And What Are You Doing for the Holiday, Perry?

If you hated this post, I hope you wind up in The Twilight Zone episode To Serve Man smothered in onions on a nine foot tall bald alien's table in the same plate as Paula Deen!

I'd rather eat her than listen to her!

The Next Dark Knight Rising

   
Who will be the next Dark Knight Rising?

As moviegoers flock like winged creatures of the night this weekend to see "The Dark Knight Rises," a question is already rising in the minds of the fans of the Dark Knight himself.  With the Christopher Nolan/Christian Bale trilogy complete, when and where will we see Batman again?  And who will fill the cape and cowl of the Caped Crusader?  

You're in luck.  Casting begins now .....   

Send in the Applicants! 

                                

Wrong Type Entirely.

NEXT!

                       
                    
              Too Short, Too Nuts.

                      NEXT!

Has filled in for another actor before. May have to create new character "Bat-Nurse."   

                         NEXT!

Isn't it enough to fuck up ONE

  superhero movie?

                            NEXT!

         Let me get this straight:

You consider 'Jack and Jill' a 

resume piece for playing

                    Batman?

                          NEXT!

But how can you be both for

   Batman AND the Joker

          at the same time?

                        NEXT!

                         

NEXT!

                
                      Your Highness!

Of course you'd be brilliant!

                            NEXT!

  

Oh, Reg, we've missed you 

                 so much!

                             NEXT!

  Great, we can get Clooney! What? He did what before? 

He did What?!!!         

                     NEXT!

                   
                                  AT LAST!

     The Fresh Face we've

           been looking for!

  Ka-POW!     Ka-BAM!   CRASH!!!

The next Dark Knight has risen! 

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Thanks, Big Guy! II

                                   Yep! I'm counting these!

                                            Again!

                                                

It’s that time of year once again that many of us stop to consider how much we have to give thanks for.

And I’m no exception.

And considering how miserable I am, I also stop to give thanks as to how much incredibly more miserable I would have been without how much I have to give thanks for.

I am thankful:

 1.   That the comic strip Blondie is still running  in the Philadelphia Inquirer, because Blondie is the only comic strip character I had  masturbation fantasies about when I was eight and still do at 61.   

 2.   That  All the World's a Stage.  Although why did I get such a crummy bit part?

    3.   That although I am of an age when I can no longer be cute,  I believe I will be able to pull together at least a couple of good years of impish.

 4.   For the Gift of Laughter. Although most of the time when I get it anymore I think I've been regifted.

 5.   That I do not have a chin cleft like Kirk Douglas or Tom Brady because fetching though they are,  how the hell do you ever clean them out?!

 6.  That surprisingly enough, I have already pretty much gotten over Regis Philbin. 

 7. For the Jewish people, without whom I would be Swiss.

8. For each and every one of my Twitter Tweeps, because they're far less annoying to deal with than real people.

 9.  That Spiders never joined the Axis Powers.

10.  That the mirror in my attic which is getting old instead of me has never asked me if it could have "work" done.

 11.  For the Philadelphia Phillies, who enable me to experience that disappointment so sorely lacking in all other areas of my life. 

 12.  That they made that  second "happy" ending to The Invasion of the Body Snatchers because I have enough personality problems as is without turning into a giant seed pod.

 13. That I am not Robin, the Boy Wonder because imagine all that time and effort and keeping in tremendous shape and sucking up to Batman and  trying to do homework while the Joker is attempting to kill you and still  --- not a lick of college credit?!!

14.That I am not one of Santa's elves,  because those ears and this nose would be a bit much!   

15.That as much a disaster as my life is or ever has been,  I have never once walked into a room and seen Ernest Borgnine standing there. 

16.For Newt Gingrich, without whom people would think that I  have a goofy looking head and body.

17.That women about whom I fantasize whom I actually know personally do not possess ESP and  powerful weapons.  

 18.That my cup runneth over.  I've got to remember to turneth off my cup whenever I leaveth the apartment!

 19.For schadenfreude, wherever and whenever I can squeeze what little of it I can.  

  20. That I am not being stalked by a robot assassin from the future.   Though frankly I'd be kind of proud that my kid is going to lead the rebellion to save humanity!

 21.  For the sun in the morning and the moon at night because were it any other which way, I'd probably be in Antarctica and freezing my ass off!   

and

22. For my own very  special private  place where no one else ever goes!   My blog.

 

       And so, for all these wonderful blessings, I hereby tender

My most tender and juicy

Thanks,
Big Guy!

Here’s hoping you have similar reasons to give thanks during this festive season, and that you don’t

royally screw them all up in 2012.

Happy Holidays, Everybody!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~  

Regis for President!

 

Hail to the Chief!

If you've been anywhere near a television this entire week, you know one thing:

The next President of the United States should be
 Regis Philbin! 

And I am today announcing that I am the volunteer head of the newly-formed  "Committee to  Draft Regis Philbin For President of the United States - 2012!" 

Here's why Regis is the most qualified person in the nation to be your next President:

1) America loves him!  You've seen it all:  Regis is a combination Joe DiMaggio, Harrison Ford, Astronaut John Glenn, George Clooney, Beatles, Elvis, Lady Gaga, Batman, Scarlett Johansson, {insert whoever you think is really cool here but it's probably Regis anyway so don't bother},  and of course,  Justin (Beiber and Timberlake!).  He is all things to all people.  

Regis is chocolate if chocolate were a person!

2) Would that face lie to you?  

3) You can't help but like him.   Think Ahmadinejad could resist the Regis charm?

"Gelman!  Gelman!  Pull up a chair for my friend Mahmoud!   Mahmoud, we don't want to go out of control!  You don't want nuclear weapons,  Mahmoud,  what you really want is a night on the town in New York City with Kelly Ripa!" 

Missile crisis defused. 

4) He knows how to work with vice-presidential types.  And if he could work with Kathie Lee Gifford,  he could easily handle Dick Cheney.

5) Gridlock?  What Gridlock?  Regis could bring Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher back together by 9:07 including a commercial break.  Don't be surprised if  Congressman Barney Frank and Newt Gingrich aren't next!

6) His wife Joy would  make a lovely First Lady.  As she's demonstrated from her countless televison appearances, Joy Philbin is poised, intelligent, and at 70 still even  a bit hot.  And if anything should happen to her, Kathie Lee would lose no time leaping in to fill the void! 

7) He appears to still have pretty good hair.  America will never elect a bald president other than one that was more or less responsible for winning World War II.  Regis' hair looks darn good for somebody his age, and if it isn't all his, who the hell cares? 

8) He is a friend to the Jews.  Gelman and Joey Bishop, to name just two.

9) He's worked with many beautiful women over the years.  Who knows?  Maybe Regis could help us older guys get chicks! 

10) He needs a job.

Just a minute, folks, I think I hear Regis calling me!

Nah, he was just calling for Gelman.

Which is a good thing!  Because, folks, I have an awful lot of work to do and ...

 I'm out of control!

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~