The Next Dark Knight Rising

   
Who will be the next Dark Knight Rising?

As moviegoers flock like winged creatures of the night this weekend to see "The Dark Knight Rises," a question is already rising in the minds of the fans of the Dark Knight himself.  With the Christopher Nolan/Christian Bale trilogy complete, when and where will we see Batman again?  And who will fill the cape and cowl of the Caped Crusader?  

You're in luck.  Casting begins now .....   

Send in the Applicants! 

                                

Wrong Type Entirely.

NEXT!

                       
                    
              Too Short, Too Nuts.

                      NEXT!

Has filled in for another actor before. May have to create new character "Bat-Nurse."   

                         NEXT!

Isn't it enough to fuck up ONE

  superhero movie?

                            NEXT!

         Let me get this straight:

You consider 'Jack and Jill' a 

resume piece for playing

                    Batman?

                          NEXT!

But how can you be both for

   Batman AND the Joker

          at the same time?

                        NEXT!

                         

NEXT!

                
                      Your Highness!

Of course you'd be brilliant!

                            NEXT!

  

Oh, Reg, we've missed you 

                 so much!

                             NEXT!

  Great, we can get Clooney! What? He did what before? 

He did What?!!!         

                     NEXT!

                   
                                  AT LAST!

     The Fresh Face we've

           been looking for!

  Ka-POW!     Ka-BAM!   CRASH!!!

The next Dark Knight has risen! 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Seder With The Stars

You were expecting maybe Joseph Gordon-Levitt?

Ever wonder what a Seder would be like at the home of your favorite celebrity?  That is, assuming your favorite celebrity is Jewish.

Well, wonder no more.  If you’d like to experience Seder with the Stars, we’ve got a taste of it for you right here.  So enjoy, already!

From Comedy Central's World News Headquarters in New York City, this is  The Daily Show, Special Seder Edition with Jon Stewart

"Shalom!

Over the last several weeks, a video surfacing on the Internet depicting crimes and atrocities committed against thousands of people by a ruthless leader of an African country has gone viral.

It has garnered millions of hits on You-Tube, become a continuously trending topic on Twitter, and most importantly captured the imagination and indignation of both Justin Bieber and Kim Kardashian.

Who is this African leader and why haven't we heard more about him before?

His name is  Pharoah.

There have been many prior efforts to make people aware of Pharoah's heinous crimes. Every year, short political pamphlets known as Haggadahs recounting his actions are regularly circulated.  A delicious multi-course meal has sometimes been offered to entice people to listen to the brutal facts about this evil despot.

Even wine - as many as four intoxicating cups - has at times been provided!

But nothing has ever gotten the message out about Pharoah like the World Wide Web. Unfortunately, however, it's all too late now.   Pharaoh is already history!

Damn you, Al Gore!  If only you had invented the Internet 4,000 years earlier, we'd never have to change a dish!

Here's your Moment of Zen ......"

Larry David in Curb Your Enthusiasm for Charoses

"Now it's time for the youngest child to ask the Four Questions.  The only thing is:  at 64,  I'm the youngest child here. 

 So, what the hell, here goes!

Why is this night different from all other nights?  Aside from the fact we don't have burnt brisket and Susie Green for dinner every night.    

On all other nights we may eat either leavened or unleavened bread, but on this night we eat only unleavened bread.  C'mon, this is easy now ---  You shouldn't have to take notes on this one! 

On all other nights we may eat all kinds of herbs but on this night we eat only bitter herbs. It's only one night, so get over it! 

On all other nights we do not dip even once, but on this night we dip twice.   Frankly, I dip three or four times!   I'm a dipping guy!   

On all other nights, we eat sitting or reclining but on this night we sit reclining, but I can't eat reclining because it gives me heartburn.   Frankly I'm not much of a reclining guy.  I'm more of a dipping guy.

So how about I dip and you recline?" 

Woody Allen Directs Midnight in Miami Beach

The Haggadah speaks of "four sons" --- the Wise Son, the Wicked Son, the Simple Son, and the Son Who Does Not Know Enough to Inquire.

Now how would I cast these parts for my next movie, Annie Leibovitz? 

I would have to play the Wise Son because I am always asking weighty questions like 'What is the meaning of the Universe?' and 'What is the Ultimate Good?' and  'Can I get into Sarah Lawrence if I ask questions like these in the essay on the application?'

Or should I play the Wicked Son?   After all, I've always wanted to drink from Elijah's cup while his back was turned.  If only he weren't invisible, so I could tell when that was.

No, I think I should be the Simple Son.  After all, I did flunk out of Hebrew School over a test on the Ten Plagues.  I knew I shouldn't have counted Adam Sandler movies as six of them.

But the Son who doesn't know a damn thing?  That's easy.  I could cast half of Washington in that role.

Or all of Hollywood." 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Not a Member of the Tribe?

Elijah the Prophet --- Biblical Figure said to attend every Seder everywhere. We leave a glass of wine out for him when he makes his gala but invisible entrance.  And somehow it always seems to get drained!

Four Questions --- youngest child asks these questions at the Seder.  Adults who haven't been to synagogue in over 35 years  fumble for the answers. 

Four Sons ---  If you answered Tim Considine, Don Grady, Barry Livingstone, and Stanley Livingston (or Mike, Robby, Chip, and Ernie), you are clearly a Boomer and just as clearly not Jewish. 

Four Glasses of Wine --- Why did you think this holiday was popular anyway? 

Two Semi-Seasonal Songs

Originally I wasn’t going to put these two slightly out-of-date songs on the Nouveau Old, Formerly Cute blog site, but it’s cold, I’m lazy, and frankly, I’ve got nothing else.

Just think of it this way. I’m going to do a couple of covers for you.
 

The Hanukkah Song
No. 4

Put on your yarmulke, here comes Hanukkah;

It’s so much fun-akkah to celebrate Hanukkah.

Hanukkah is the Festival of Lights;

Instead of one day of presents, we get eight crazy nights!

When you feel like the only kid in town
Without a Christmas tree,
Here’s a FOURTH LIST of people who are Jewish,
Just like you and me:

Shia LaBeouf eats his Hanukkah gelt;
So do Jake and Maggie Gyllenhaal,
Though they’re both perpetually svelte.

We’ve got Judd Apatow,
Who directs Seth Rogen and Paul Rudd;
Sasha Baron Cohen’s Borat was funny,
But Bruno a drek-filled dud.

Scarlett Johansson’s half,
I wish she were a full blood;
But Mila Kunis and Natalie Portman are 100 per cent,
As is the voice of Elmer Fudd (and Bugs Bunny too!)

You don’t need to Deck the Halls
When you got eight nights of bliss;
Cause you can spin the dreidel with Gene Simmons
And the members of Kiss (most Jewish!)

Put on your yarmulke, it’s time for Hanukkah;
Even after all these long years,
Howard Stern can still be too moronicah!

O.J. Simpson --- Still not a Jew!
But Jews do most of the voice-overs
On The Simpsons and Family Guy too!

The Good Wife's Julianna Margulies is now a big TV star.
But Noah Wylie --- another Jew ---
also got his start with her on ER.

Some people think that Jews are somewhat driven
(but they’re not); Guess it comes from watching
Entourage with Jeremy Piven!

So many Jews are in show biz;
Steven Colbert isn’t a Jew,
But every other damn comedian is!

Tell your friend Veronica,
It's time you celebrate Hanukkah!
I hope I get a harmonica (though most Jews can’t play it)
On this lovely, lovely Hanukkah.

So drink your gin-and-tonic-ah,
And smoke your marajuanic-ah,
If you really, really wanna-kah,

Have a Happy, Happy, Happy, Happy Hanukkah!

Sleigh Ride  

Just hear those sleigh bells sounding

And shofers resounding, it’s true.

Come on, it's lovely weather for a sleigh ride

Together with a Jew!

Outside the snow is falling,

And friends are calling "Well, nu?"

Come on, it's lovely weather for a sleigh ride

Together with a Jew!

Giddy up, giddy up, giddy up, let's go!

Let's choose a movie show.

We're riding to a wonderland of General Tzo!

Giddy up, giddy up, giddy up, it's grand!

A Miami Beach tan!

We're gliding along with a song from a simply great Klezmer band!

Our cheeks are nice and rosy,

Picked a movie we’ll mosey to see.

We're snuggled up like big machers*,

Gonna see Little Fochers at half past 3:00.

Let's take that road before us

With Uncle Morris or Cousin Lou.

Come on, it's lovely weather for a sleigh ride

Together with a Jew!

Thank you very much, and have a Very Belated Hanukkah!

~~~~~~~~~

 Not a Member of the Tribe?

    macher - a big shot

    nu -  So?  Whassup? Fill me in.  Ya score last night?  (that kind of thing)   

    drek - pure garbage; something that really sucks