Dracula 2015 - An Epistolary Novel

Yes, it will be my pleasure to poke you!

An epistolary novel is a novel written as a series of documents such as letters, diary entries, and newspaper clippings.  Printed in 1897, Dracula by Bram Stoker is one of most well-known epistolary novels, compiled entirely of letters, diary entries, newspaper clippings, telegrams, doctor's notes, ship's logs, and the like.

But what if Dracula were written today?

Jonathan Harker's Twitter

                  
Jonathan Harker @HarkMan
WOOT!  Transylvania will be awesome! Dude named Dracula texted me &      I'm off!  Luv u, @Mina_HotChick! ♥ ♥ ♥!!!!  

Jonathan Harker @HarkMan
On train thru Carpathian Mts.  Peasant women here look pretty except when u get near them, they all look like actor Jonah Hill in a babushka! 


 Jonathan Harker @HarkMan
 Frightened old lady in hotel heard me talk of Dracula and put crucifix  around my  neck!    WTF?  #DontTellRabbiMishkin


 Jonathan Harker @HarkMan
 On coach to Borgo Pass.  Odd; other passengers outdoing one another  pointing at me, clutching throats, & making gagging sounds!    Woohoo!


 Jonathan Harker @HarkMan
 Have arrived at crumbling old Castle Dracula. Place could use work.    Nothing that a coat of paint & 6 wrecking balls couldn't  cure! #WhataDump  

Jonathan Harker @HarkMan
Starting to think visiting Dracula may turn out to be as much fun as attending same-sex wedding w/ Justice Scalia!  :-(    :-(    :-(   

Dracula's Twitter

Dracula@Fangsalot46
I am @Fangsalot46.   I tweet you welcome, @HarkMan! #SpidertotheFly


Dracula@Fangsalot46
Woohoo, I luv Twitter!  I have over 17,000 followers. Of course, most of them follow me with torches, pitchforks, and pickaxes!  LOL!!!  :-)



Dracula@Fangsalot46
How about giving me a retweet on that one, @HarkMan?  I get more RTs than Kim Kardashian's bare ass ever did!  #AskTheNearestZombie


Dracula@Fangsalot46
WOOT! The Childen of the Night; What music they make!  Wait,  I'm sensing a boy band here ....  https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Backstreet_Boys

Dracula@Fangsalot46
Make yourself at home,@HarkMan! Tomorrow there will be breakfast, and since this is Twitter, with bacon & copious amounts of coffee!    

             

Dracula@Fangsalot46
No, I never drink .... coffee.  Just sayin' .   

            
Dracula@Fangsalot46
I bid you good night, @HarkMan.  Sleep tight, don't let the bedbugs bite. That's my job!  LMFAO!  #WannaNeck?   

Jonathan Harker's Facebook

Jonathan Harker

Dearest Mina.  I must now communicate via Facebook because the Count is a Tweethead! What's worse, he LOLs his own jokes and insists I give him RTs! Dracula is a bizarre diseased creature who recoils at the sight of a crucifix, casts no reflection in a mirror, and roots for the Phillies!  Oh, Mina, please comfort me by posting a picture of Pedals, our adorable kitten! 

 Mina Murray's Facebook

Mina Murray

Of course, dearest Jonathan! Here is  our sweet Pedals, all dressed up like a vampire from last Halloween!

  

Jonathan Harker's Facebook

Jonathan Harker
Mina, remind me when I get back we have to talk about our relationship!

Dracula's  Facebook

 Dracula

So you are on Facebook too, my dear young sir?  Please friend me, then I will poke you.  Believe me, I will poke you!!!  (And Go, Phils!) 

Jonathan Harker's LinkedIn

 Jonathan Harker

Current Position:Solicitor (Living) 

Next Position: Solicitor (?)

Mina, the count is an ardent Facebooker too! I must now communicate through LinkedIn.  Nobody but nobody uses LinkedIn, especially people who want to get a job.

Dracula's LinkedIn

Dracula
Previous Position: Sucking the Blood of Crusaders
Current Position: Free Lance Blood Sucker (No, not an attorney)

Good Evening, Mr. Harker! Note that I have already endorsed you for European travel, real estate development, and Deliciousness! I am afraid you are out of luck now with social networks, unless you want to use JDate!

Jonathan Harker's Twitter   

               

   Jonathan Harker @HarkMan
 @Mina_HotChick! Had a tete a tete w/ the Count & all is fine. You will be a bite ... I mean, sight ... for sore eyes!  Luv u!  ♥ ♥ ♥!!!! #WannaNeck?

End.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How to Tell the Real Monsters at Halloween

Halloween isn't just for kids.

Ghouls, monsters, vampires, and all manner of children of the night enjoy what music they make on Halloween because once a year they may mingle incognito among humans without anyone chasing  them with a stake, a silver bullet, or a boxed set of ABBA's greatest hits.

But how do you tell whether that becloaked or be-bloodied figure at your door on Halloween is hoping to cop a mini-butterfingers or chop off your butterfingers all the way up to your arm pit?

Here's how:

How to Tell the Real Monsters at Halloween

1)  That horrible, cackling, hideous old crone?  Your wife.

2) Are there mindless crazed-looking creatures shrieking "brains, brains, we need brains!" stumbling up the street?  They're not zombies, they're Trump supporters.

3)  If the 6 year old at your door asks if he can have an extra chocolate bar for the Invisible Man who is standing right next to him, you have just met the world's youngest con artist or the world's shyest Invisible Man.

4)  If a 4 foot 3 inch Godzilla in a phony looking costume comes to your door, it is not Godzilla but Herschel Farbman from the next block.

5) Did a little old lady get mutilated late last night?  Yep, Werewolves of London.

6) If a 400 foot Godzilla comes to your door and rips off the front of  your house, breathes fire and incinerates your family, bites you in half with razor sharp six foot long teeth, and ingests every bloody part of  you, it is not Godzilla but Herschel Farbman from the next block in the premium Godzilla costume.

7) If you see a man coming down the street with a blood stained chainsaw, gaping wounds,  and a horrific expression on his face, he is not the maniac from The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, he's a Jewish guy who's  just been trying to do home repair.

8) If a skeleton comes to your door, eats a Milky Way, and you can watch it travel all the way down his alimentary canal and drop out his rear end, that's a real skeleton.  And call me up, I'd love to see that!

9) If  Batman comes to  your house and talks your ear off about how bad it sucks that  Ben  Affleck is  playing him, it's really Batman.

10) If the vampire at the door recoils at the sight of a cross, casts no reflection in a mirror, and looks admiringly at the nape of your neck, forget about being a morning person for a long, long time. 

11) That lumbering, inarticulate, growling hulk?  Your husband.

12)  If the guy dressed all in red with a tale and horns asks if he may take your immortal soul, try to talk him into a box of Goobers instead.

13)  If an 800 foot Godzilla comes to your door and swallows whole all your candy, you got off easy.

14)  If a child comes to your door and says "Trick or Treat for UNICEF" and you're a Trump supporter, run, run, run,  it's The Liberal Fiend from the UN! And don't ever come back, you stupid asshole!

15) Was his hair perfect?   Werewolves of London again?  Nope,  David Muir of ABC News.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Return of the Legendary Jewish Vampire, Vlad the Retailer

Some Vampire Weekend! 
 Why am I the one that always has to do the sucking?

Things had become very disheartening for the Legendary Jewish Vampire, Vlad the Retailer, and normally when you use the words "dis-hearten" and "vampire" in the same sentence, you can expect bad and bloody things to follow.

But that was not to be the case on this particular eve, the eve of All Saint's Day known as Halloween. Vlad looked in the mirror and realized he wasn't getting any younger.  Of course, he wasn't getting any older either. 

"I don't even know what I look like," he thought. "Do I look like the young Mel Gibson in The Road Warrior or the old Mel Gibson in The Beaver?  But Mel Gibson is an anti-Semite.  If I look like the old one, no wonder I don't get more Jewish girls!" 

Above all, Vlad longed for a normal existence."Living eternally is not all it's cracked up to be," thought Vlad, "especially when we get to the point where the sun crashes into the earth 50 billion years from now. That's going to take some getting used to."

Then there was the need to keep up with social references.  Vlad's jokes about Marie de Medici had not been going over well, and nobody seemed to appreciate his spot on impression of  Calvin Coolidge.  Mostly, however, Vlad wished that he could have a human girl friend, someone whose boobs were as enticing to him as her neck.

If only he could be a tit man, not a nape man! 

It seemed to Vlad that undeath was passing him by.

Vlad decided to go see Rabbi Lichtman at Temple Beth Hemoglobin. Rabbi Lichtman was a very wise and learned 1200 year old vampiric scholar who had written the definitive Passover Hagaddah for Vampires, which substituted blood for wine and very skinny dudes for matzoh. 

If anyone would have the answer, it would be Rabbi Lichtman. Well, maybe Alex Trebek, but then it would be in the form of a question.

"Rabbi," said the Legendary Jewish Vampire, Vlad the Retailer,"I am deeply perplexed. Not to mention plexed and multiplexed as well."

"That's the trifecta!" replied Rabbi Lichtman. 

"Oh, Rabbi," said Vlad, "I want to be human!" 

"Human? That's a tough one, Vlad.  By age 450, one's personality is pretty much set."

"But why did Hashem make us vampires?  Couldn't he have made us dentists, with a thriving suburban practice?  Or better yet, lawyers?"

"Then everyone would really hate us."

"Rabbi, there must be something that can be done. I'm sick and tired of going to the beach wearing Coppertone Protection Factor Number INFINITY!"  

"If you're truly serious,Vlad, there is one place you can go that can make you human."

"I'll do anything to be human, Rabbi, including sitting through one of your sermons."  

"You are serious!  The place to go is:  Bosley Restoration Services."

"The hair restoration infomercial people on TV?"

"Yes, they have a special human being restoration service too.  But there is a problem; they do not always succeed."

"I should have known!"

"Oh, they can always change a vampire to a human, they just can't always give you hair."

Eager and hopeful if still a bit multiplexed  .... multiplexed? .... the Legendary Jewish Vampire, Vlad the Retailer bade Rabbi Lichtman goodbye, spread his black cape, and leaped into the air. 

A small dark bat flew through the night headed for the Promised Land, Bosley Restoration Services, a land flowing with milk and honey shampoo, where Vlad hoped he would finally become human.

Or at least wind up with hair like Robert Pattinson.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Boomer's Trick or Treat

It's the most wonderful time of the year!

Ever since I was the tiniest of tots, I've loved Halloween. 

Halloween is Dracula, Frankenstein, Danse Macabre, "the Children of the Night, what music they make," Lon Chaney Jr., bloody fangs,  black capes, Bela Lugosi pre-Ed Wood, blazing jack-o-lanterns, headless horsemen,"even a man who is pure at heart and says his prayers by night," Boris Karloff, trick or treat 'til you drop,  Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein, zombies, werewolves, a graveyard on your front lawn and a monster in your vestibule, haunted hayrides, and a whole mess of Nestle's Crunch Bars plus the occasional Hershey's Kiss.

Why should only kids get to enjoy this wonderful holiday? 

The answer is, they shouldn't!

"Trick or Treat!" 

"Why ... hello.  Say, aren't you a little old to be trick or treating?"

"No, no, not at all!  I'm well below any age cut-off.  I'm only 62."  

"Oh, I see.  Well, tell me, Little Boy, who are you supposed to be?"

"Can't you tell?  I'm actor George Clooney!"

"Actor George Clooney?"

"Yes, I am.  And I know who you are.  You're the smokin' hot .... I... I... mean sexy divorcee .... I... I mean, nice lady who just moved to our neighborhood."   

"Well, yes, I'm Rachel Pressman.  How did you make yourself look s-o-o-o much like George Clooney,  Little Boy?"

"Oh, I just put on a little bit of makeup.  Hardly needed any at all."

"Really?  Because it looks like you have on a full head mask, padded chest and shoulders,  and three inch heels on your shoes."

"Well ... uh ... let's just say I love Halloween."

"Do a lot of the kids your age around here go out on Halloween, Little Boy?  Because I've already had Matt Damon, two Brad Pitts,  and the lead actor from Big Bang Theory at my door."

"That must have been Larry Blumberg,  he's a little slow and..." 

"I'm sorry, Little Boy, I don't have any candy for you.  Is there anything else nice and sweet I can give you?" 

"OMG, I should be dressed like Groucho Marx to handle that line!" 

"I have to go now, Little Boy.  I've got a Halloween party to attend myself."

"Gee, I ... I  could go with you.  So you don't have to go alone!"

"Sorry, Little Boy, it's just for grownups.  Got to squeeze into my costume now."

"What kind of costume is it?"

"Lady Godiva."  

"LADY GODIVA??!!!"

"Goodnight, Little Boy."

Damn Stupid Halloween!  After all,  it really is just for kids! 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It took just a little bit of make-up.

I swear it.

The Good Old 1863

Taking a break from the Legendary Jewish Vampire, Vlad the Retailer to hop on over to Madison Woods Friday Flash Fictioneers.

The Prompt is above, the Story below.  

Vlad sure wouldn't like all that bright sunlight.   Good thing I left him home in his coffin.

The Good Old 1863

It was 8:15 on a Tuesday morning in Jefferson City and already they were lining up eagerly.

Lining up, that is, to climb on board Jefferson Lines Bus No. 1863, departing Jeff City 8:45 A.M. and arriving 9:35 A.M. in neighboring Mt. Bailey.  Most of the folks in line had been taking the Good Old 1863  for several months now, traveling to Mt. Bailey on a Tuesday for the weekly meeting of the Jefferson County Blame Someone Else Society.

There was Big Bob Byron himself right at the head of the line.  Big Bob had founded the Society secure in the conviction than anything bad that had ever happened to him was the fault of his foreman, Drake Beighley.  Big Bob had arranged the meetings be held in Mt. Bailey rather than Jeff City because they had a much bigger town hall which was already proving to be sorely needed.

The weekly meetings of the Jefferson County Blame Someone Else Society usually began with a greeting by Big Bob, who next railed against Drake Beighley for half an hour or so and then opened it up to the floor. Others came forward to rail against those responsible for their own misfortunes --- against the staff member whose fault it was Ralph didn't get a promotion, against the ex-boyfriend who caused Angela to give up on life, against the assistant coach who ruined the morale of Coach Cassidy's team, and so on.

It was now 8:40 A.M.  The bus driver flung open the doors and bade the passengers enter:

"Climb on.  Climb off.  Throw under."

That's the mantra down at the Good Old 1863, leaving Jeff City 8:45 A.M. and arriving Mt. Bailey 9:35 A.M. each and every Tuesday of the month.

All Aboard!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Legendary Jewish Vampire, Vlad The Retailer

So, I like shiksehs ...

The times had not been particularly kind of late for the Legendary Jewish Vampire, Vlad the Retailer.

It was  early November and even the normally joyous holiday of Halloween had failed to cheer Vlad.  Like many in the current American economy, the Legendary Jewish Vampire was in a desperate straits. During the final days of the Vampire Boom several years ago vampires had become as overexposed as "Honey Boo Boo" and Vlad had found himself wholly unable to make a halfway decent Unliving.

This was also an election year in the United States of America.  Vlad had not voted in an American election since 1908 when he cast his ballot for William Howard Taft but less because of any keen analysis of the issues than because for a vampire Mr. Taft was such incredible eye candy.

As of today still one of the Undead undecided,  Vlad had to ask himself the key question: 

"Am I better off now than I was 400 years ago?"

Back in those days, things weren't easy for a Jewish vampire.  Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition,  but Vlad the Retailer expected it every morning about 8:00 and never later than 8:35  even on days the Grand Inquisitor would sleep in. 

In hopes of finding acceptance  in Renaissance society,  Vlad had taken up painting, and his sensitive Abbott & Costello Meet the Virgin and Child  did in fact achieve some modest renown as one of the finer paint-by-numbers canvases of the period.  Yet his art career foundered when a commissioned still life turned out to be way more still than life, and Vlad found himself fleeing from angry mobs decrying him a fiend, a demon,  and a monster, and they didn't like the fact that he was a vampire either.

Vlad chowed down on a Corned Beef Special --- consisting of corned beef, cole slaw, and some random guy from St. Petersburg in the act of pulling up his pants (aka Russian dressing) ---  and thought over the choices in the upcoming election. 

True,  President Barack Obama sometimes failed to come through on promises he had made, but he had never made any promises regarding Vlad's main issue of concern, a sane national policy of Garlic Control. Vlad understood that the National Garlic Association (NGA) was just too strong both in terms of political power and smell.   

Joe Biden seemed like a decent chap, Vlad thought, but he was not fond of Mr. Biden's home state of Delaware where Vlad  had spent 100 years one weekend.

On the other side was Governor Mitt Romney and Congressman Paul Ryan.  But Governor Romney tended to flip flop like a latke on a hot griddle cooked by a nervous vampire at daybreak, and Representative Ryan looked too much like Eddie Munster.   

"I'm not prejudiced," thought Vlad, "but I'm just not ready for a werewolf Vice-President."   

Vlad made his way to the nearby voting place where he found himself deluged by multiple persons pressing political flyers into his hands.

"Vote for Governor Romney," said one. "Here's a list of his positions, updated daily." 

"Here's a rundown of Barack Obama's key positions," said another.  "For starters,  he's not Mitt Romney...""

"That's probably enough,"  said Vlad. 

Entering the polling place, Vlad signed in with the volunteer at the desk before him.

"We're gonna need picture ID," she said.

"I'm afraid that's impossible,"  replied Vlad.  "I don't cast a reflection in a mirror and no camera can photograph my image."

"Sounds like you need to upgrade to a smart phone, sir."

"No, you fool," bellowed  Vlad, "I'm a vampire!"

"Wonderful!"  said the volunteer.  "The photo ID requirement's  supposed to weed out minorities and it's working perfectly!"

"I'm also Jewish."

"Bingo, two for two!"

Following a bit of persuasion followed by a bite of persuasion, Vlad was able to enter the voting booth and exercise his franchise.  As he exited the booth,  he felt proud that he had taken part in a great American process almost as old as he was and proud that at his age he was able to exercise anything, let alone his franchise.  

Vlad lifted his arms and, gently holding the corners of  his cape,  leaped high into the air.  A bat flew off into the night.  A circumcised bat, but a bat nonetheless. 

Vlad thought maybe he'd grab himself a quick bite and then go home and watch the returns with Wolf Blitzer. 

"Good old Wolf Blitzer," thought the Legendary Jewish Vampire, Vlad the Retailer.  

"Nice Jewish boy, but I can't stand that first name!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Legendary Jewish Vampire,  Vlad ...

That's Funny!

Interview with the Vampire

Vlad the Retailer and Barbara Walters circa 1932

Please allow me to introduce myself:  I'm a man of neither wealth nor taste.

That is, my 401 (k) took a beating just like yours recently and I'm going to need mine for a lot longer than you ever will. And as for taste, well, the Children of the Night, the music they make rocks my tuchas! 

Oh, and by the way, I'm not a man either.

I am the Legendary Jewish Vampire, Vlad the Retailer.

Mr. Perry Block, the proprietor of this blog,  has asked me to provide a special Halloween entry and I've been glad to  oblige.  The last time I encountered the redoubtable Mr. Block --- that is everyone who meets him doubts him --- I was attempting to frighten him and his young son during a vampiric onslaught of his native city of Philadelphia last year.

Now I'm used to being able to incite the kind of terror in humans that Bernie Madoff  feels whenever he hears the words "you know, your new cellmate likes you." But last year the vampiric craze was at its height and I was viewed as simply the Vampire of the Month by Mr. Block and thoroughly unable to scare him.

And Perry Block is someone who runs screaming at the sight of Larry King!

How did I  --- a nice Jewish boy voted "Most Likely To Be Drawn & Quartered by Anti-Semites"  in my 1257 high school graduating class at Transylvania's  Ecole Speciale for Blasphemous Vermin --- come to be known as the Legendary Jewish Vampire, Vlad the Retailer? 

I was employed by the firm of Shylock and Sons and my job was to audit the monthly output of fecal matter from the hovels of peasants of the realm. The job was fraught with danger from feral wolves, wild boar, and the toothless haglike spouses of audited peasants who daily lunged at me under the highly mistaken impression that "once you go Jewish, you'll never be bluish."

One night I met a lustrous blonde shiksa who seemed quite interested in learning all about the Kosher custom of never mixing meat with dairy, and believe me, I had no intention of serving her any dairy that eve!

I stole a kiss!  And then she stole my jugular!  And thereafter it was eternal life as one of the Undead,  nightly seeking out the blood of humans for my ages-old sustenance, and a great deal of work with Abbott and Costello in the early 1950's. 

Hey Abbott!!!   I loved that little guy!

I've submitted to one previous personal interview back in 1932 with Barbara Walters.   Although well along in her middle years at the time, Ms. Walters was still a tasty morsel  and I wanted to chow down on her.   Good thing I didn't because I'm really hoping she can get me in to meet Paul McCartney! 

Had a man-crush on him since I was 782!  

The interest in vampires having greatly waned today, I've decided to take a straight job. I'm replacing Daniel Radcliffe in "How to Succeed in Business without Really Trying" on Broadway in  November.  

Say, why don't you come see the show?  I'll get you comped.   Afterwards we could go get something to eat.

Oh, no doesn't have to be a big deal.  

Just a quick bite.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

VAMPYRE!

“Dad, you should hear the news on TV!” shouted my son Brandon.

“What is it, Bran?

“Vampires are attacking Philadelphia. They’re sinking their teeth into more than just cheese steaks!”

With that, the large window in the den shattered and a dark caped figure catapulted into the room. Then it crashed into the flat-screen TV and finally came to rest splayed out on the floor.

“Hey,” I said, “you’re going to pay for all this, dude!”

“I am not a dude,” hissed our uninvited visitor rising to tower over both me and Brandon. “And I am not a man.” 

"Who are you?” asked Brandon.

“I am the Legendary Jewish Vampire, Vlad the Retailer!”

“Oh, I see,” said I. “So Count Drekula, what is it you cannot tolerate?”

“What do you mean?” snarled Vlad the Retailer.

 “A regular vampire recoils at The Sign of the Cross. What makes you recoil? The Star of David? A mezuzah?  Curb Your Enthusiasm?”

“Foolish human,” scowled Vlad. “Don't you realize that I am over 800 years old?”

“Then why aren’t you living in a 550 Plus Community in Transylvania?”

“I do not cast a reflection in a mirror! Does that not terrify you?”

“No, but if you saw yours at 800 years old, it would probably terrify you.”

“Want some Manischewitz?”  Brandon offered.

“I never drink … wine!" Vlad and I said in unison.

“You are one derivative bastard,” I laughed.

 Over the next several days, the Armies of the Undead continued their horrific invasion of Philadelphia, and I went to bed earlier and earlier. I suppose it was all for the best because it was never crowded at the bowling alley, and I had the opportunity to begin an exciting new hobby --- whittling.

About a week later I was in the kitchen with Brandon when the window above the sink shattered, and a dark figure leaped into the room and directly onto all four lit burners on the stove.

“YEEOOHHH, that’s HOT!!!” screamed the Legendary Jewish Vampire, Vlad the Retailer.

"So we meet again, Noseferatu!"

“I give up!” said Vlad. “I’m used to inciting the kind of fear in humans that Bernie Madoff feels whenever he hears the words ‘your new cellmate really likes you.’ Why do you not fear me?”

“Fear you? I’m sick to death of you!”

“What do you mean?”

Because we hear almost as much about vampires anymore as about Betty White herself! 

“That’s right,” Bran agreed, “there was ‘Buffy the Vampire Slayer,’ ‘True Blood,’ ‘Twilight,’ ‘Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter’ …”

“Tell me, dude - I mean, Legendary Jewish Vampire: how did a klutz like you ever become a vampire?”

“One night back in 1247,” related Vlad, “I met a lustrous blonde shiksa who expressed interest in sampling kosher food. In this instance, me. Little did I know she was a vampire! I stole a kiss. She stole my jugular!"

“Do you ever snack on fellow Jews?” Brandon asked

“I prefer Asians.”

“So you like Chinese!” I said. ”Then you’re just like all the rest of us Jews.”

“Sorry I tried to put the bite on you guys,” said Vlad. “Gotta go now; I told my Aunt Tessie in Boca I might stop and see her before I return to Transylvania.”

And then, bat wings fluttering in the night, he was gone.

How can I be friendly with Vlad the Retailer?

Sure, Vlad is one of the Walking Undead, and I wouldn’t want to be too close to him after sundown on Yom Kippur.

But for a blood-sucking creature of the night, turns out he's a mensch.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~