Thursday, October 7, 2010

VAMPYRE!


“We interrupt this program to bring you a special bulletin!”

"This is Jim Gardner of Channel 6, Action News.  Tonight Action News has learned that vampires indeed exist! This evening they’ve been spotted throughout the City of Philadelphia, and they’re sinking their teeth into more than just cheese steaks!”

“Oh, great!” I said to son Brandon. “
All I want to do is put on Wheel of Fortune and watch Vanna White age.”

“But Dad!” shrieked Brandon. “Vampires are attacking the city! All along, we thought they were mythical beings, urban legends!”

“Brandon, the last few years we’ve been hearing almost as much about vampires as about Betty White herself. Who cares any more?"

With that, the large window in the den shattered and a dark caped figure catapulted into the room! Then it crashed into the server, the end tables, the flat-screen TV, and finally came to rest splayed full out at the entry to the kitchen floor.

“Hey!” I shouted. “You’re going to pay for all this, dude!”

“You don’t understand,” said our strange uninvited visitor, rising to full five foot, four inch height. “I am not a dude. And I am not a man.”

"Who are you?” called out a trembling Brandon.

I am the Legendary Jewish Vampire, Vlad the Retailer!”

“Oh, I see,” said I. “So what it is that you can’t tolerate, Nose-feratu? The Sign of the Cross? The Star of David? The knowledge that some of your victims might shop wholesale?"

(By the way, gentile friends: DO NOT ATTEMPT THE “NOSE-FERATU” JOKE AT HOME!)

“Foolish human,” snarled Vlad the Retailer. “Don't you realize I am over 800 years old?”

“Then why aren’t you living in a Plus 755 Community in Transylvania?” I asked. “Want some Manischewitz?”


“I never drink …. wine!" Vlad the Retailer and I said in unison.

“You derivative bastard!” I laughed. “Get the hell out of here!”

Over the next several days, the Armies of the Undead continued their horrific invasion of Philadelphia, and I went to bed earlier and earlier. I suppose it was all for the best because it was never crowded at the bowling alley, and I had the opportunity to begin an exciting new hobby --- whittling.

About a week later I was in the kitchen when the window above the sink shattered, and a dark figure leaped into the room and directly onto all four lit burners on the stove.

“YEEOOHHH, that’s HOT!!!” screamed the Legendary Jewish Vampire, Vlad the Retailer.

“So we meet again, Count Dreck-ula,” I said. “You know you’ve caused me a five minute delay in my Kung Po Chicken dinner!”

“I don’t understand!” said the creature. “Why don’t you fear me?”

“Fear you? I’m sick to death of you!”

“Yes,  you're right," 
groaned Vlad the Retailer. "We are returning to Transylvania; nobody here’s all that frightened by us.  I might make a quick stop by Miami Beach first and see my Aunt Tessie."

“Let me give you a piece of advice, Mr. Legendary Jewish Vampire, Vlad the Retailer,” I said. "Whenever you fellas have a hankering to hit Philly again, check the prevailing cultural trends first.”

And don’t dare come back until you hear the hottest things going are Chevy Chase, probing  first novels by Bristol Palin,  or reruns of Bonanza!”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

11 comments:

Alan W. Davidson said...

He, he, he...very clever, Perry. Vlad the Retailer...

Some killer lines:

"...The knowledge that some of your victims might shop wholesale?"

"...we’ve been hearing almost as much about vampires as about Betty White..."

If Mel Brooks gets wind of this tale he'll be knocking at your door in search of the movie rights. And I shall heed your advise about using the 'Nose-feratu' line.

kdmccrite2 said...

Good grief.

You've got Mae in such a terrified tizzy, she has dragged Jimmy under the bed with her and they have built a fort of dust bunnies, cat fur, and navel lint.

Perry Block said...

Alan,

Glad you enjoyed!

Otherwise, I might have recommended to the Legendary Jewish Vampire, Vlad the Retailer that he pay you at visit at Land's Edge. I doubt vampires can be scary to anybody anywhere these days, but how may Jewish people you got there?

As for the "Nose-feratu" line, I felt guilty about doing that one myself, but I couldn't resist. If there's ever a movie, you and I can both decide if that line goes or stays!

You'd make a good Van Helsing I think.

Perry Block said...

I meant to type "how many Jewish people..."

I guess Vlad does have me a bit rattled!

Perry Block said...

kd,

I'm glad Mae has Jimmy to hang on to when she's in a terrified tizzy.

Who's Jimmy? And who's Tizzy?

washmysocks said...

Reading your blogs makes me wish I had been born Jewish, you have so much fun!

Perry Block said...

And I've always wanted to be Scots ...

Go figure!

CityMom2 said...

Very clever! We're all about vamped out!
Love the Betty White line.
Ellen
Citymom2

Perry Block said...

Thank you, Ellen.

Isn't it interesting that although we've had it up to here (sorry I can't depict where "here" is, maybe you can take a picture of it) with vampires, we never tire of Betty White.

Maybe it's because she's the only person I know who's older than Vlad the Retailer and somehow still hot!

Thanks again!

Marisa Birns said...

Are Jewish vampires circumsized? How can they find someone to bite who's kosher? Does one have to hold up the Star of David and garlic? Though gather they would take the garlic to use on the bialys.

All these questions.

Perry Block said...

Vlad reports that he is still upset that so many writers on Twitter are doing vampires, vampires, and more vampires. He is therefore thinking about going into musical comedy, at least until "True Blood" is off the air.

"Spiderman" might be a good bet for him, because he can actually fly. Although like his creator, Vlad is terrified of spiders!

Vlad the Retailer is Reform, which means he will bite anybody in the neck, anywhere anytime. In fact, he can even almost pass as a gentile until ... yeah, he is circumcised!

Any more questions?