"This is Jim Gardner of Channel 6, Action News. Tonight Action News has learned that vampires indeed exist! This evening they’ve been spotted throughout the City of Philadelphia, and they’re sinking their teeth into more than just cheese steaks!”
“Oh, great!” I said to son Brandon. “All I want to do is put on Wheel of Fortune and watch Vanna White age.”
“But Dad!” shrieked Brandon. “Vampires are attacking the city! All along, we thought they were mythical beings, urban legends!”
“Brandon, the last few years we’ve been hearing almost as much about vampires as about Betty White herself. Who cares any more?"
With that, the large window in the den shattered and a dark caped figure catapulted into the room! Then it crashed into the server, the end tables, the flat-screen TV, and finally came to rest splayed full out at the entry to the kitchen floor.
“Hey!” I shouted. “You’re going to pay for all this, dude!”
“You don’t understand,” said our strange uninvited visitor, rising to full five foot, four inch height. “I am not a dude. And I am not a man.”
"Who are you?” called out a trembling Brandon.
“I am the Legendary Jewish Vampire, Vlad the Retailer!”
“Oh, I see,” said I. “So what it is that you can’t tolerate, Nose-feratu? The Sign of the Cross? The Star of David? The knowledge that some of your victims might shop wholesale?"
(By the way, gentile friends: DO NOT ATTEMPT THE “NOSE-FERATU” JOKE AT HOME!)
“Foolish human,” snarled Vlad the Retailer. “Don't you realize I am over 800 years old?”
“Then why aren’t you living in a Plus 755 Community in Transylvania?” I asked. “Want some Manischewitz?”
“I never drink …. wine!" Vlad the Retailer and I said in unison.
“You derivative bastard!” I laughed. “Get the hell out of here!”
Over the next several days, the Armies of the Undead continued their horrific invasion of Philadelphia, and I went to bed earlier and earlier. I suppose it was all for the best because it was never crowded at the bowling alley, and I had the opportunity to begin an exciting new hobby --- whittling.
About a week later I was in the kitchen when the window above the sink shattered, and a dark figure leaped into the room and directly onto all four lit burners on the stove.
“YEEOOHHH, that’s HOT!!!” screamed the Legendary Jewish Vampire, Vlad the Retailer.
“So we meet again, Count Dreck-ula,” I said. “You know you’ve caused me a five minute delay in my Kung Po Chicken dinner!”
“I don’t understand!” said the creature. “Why don’t you fear me?”
“Fear you? I’m sick to death of you!”
“Yes, you're right," groaned Vlad the Retailer. "We are returning to Transylvania; nobody here’s all that frightened by us. I might make a quick stop by Miami Beach first and see my Aunt Tessie."
“Let me give you a piece of advice, Mr. Legendary Jewish Vampire, Vlad the Retailer,” I said. "Whenever you fellas have a hankering to hit Philly again, check the prevailing cultural trends first.”
“And don’t dare come back until you hear the hottest things going are Chevy Chase, probing first novels by Bristol Palin, or reruns of Bonanza!”