Coca-Cola Cold Turkey, Part II

  This time I mean it. This time I'm not fooling around. This time next time I pause for refreshment my paws are going to be wrapped around something other than the refreshment I have historically paused for. (Whew!)

This time I'm going Coca-Cola Cold Turkey.

I've written before about my love of Coca-Cola and that clean crisp delicious kick to the the throat that only Coke has, and I've written about my prior attempts at canning the Coke, all of which have gone as belly up as my belly has remained full of Coke. 

But this year there's something different, a new motivation impelling me to kick the can and its contents as hard and as far down the road as possible. Sometime during the past year the following infographic hit the Internet which purports to show what a can of coke does to your body. 

To summarize, when you first drink a Coke, ten (10) teaspoons of sugar hit your system, which is enough to turn virtually anyone into Kathie Lee Gifford. This is 100% of your recommended daily intake of sugar, which daily intake recommendation was established by Patches, one of the Keebler elves.  The only reason you don't throw up now is because, disgusting as this all is, it isn't a blind date with a female Steven Tyler.

After 20 minutes, this sugar surfeit turns to fat and many coke drinkers notice their bodies will now make an audible BOINGG! sound should they trip or fall over. Caffeine now suffuses the brain, leading most Coke drinkers to stay up all night to write term papers, usually getting an A.

Next your body ups your dopamine production, stimulating the pleasure centers of the brain in the same way heroin does.  Most Coke drinkers now have fabulous sex with gorgeous partners who just happen to materialize out of thin air the way they often do in Coke commercials. The sex is heightened, passionate, and the best of their lives.

That part isn't so bad, I guess.

I could go on to describe further what Coca-Cola does to the body, but frankly I don't understand the rest of the infographic with all its chemicals and formulas and hazmat warnings.  My brain is too busy trying to scope out what happened to my quota of fabulous sex with gorgeous partners and why I got a C minus on my term paper. 

So how to go Coca-Cola Cold Turkey?

Just drink a lot of water?  Water is the beverage equivalent of Wonderbread. Orange juice then?  Well, OJ may be fine for breakfast, but if you're drinking it morning, noon, and night your esophagus will soon be fit only for sausage casing. 

But I have found the solution.  A drink that is smooth, delicious, non-irritating to the stomach, and even healthful.  And I have former television talk show host Larry King to thank for it.

Now I've always wanted to be exactly like Larry King except in every way possible other than the succession of hot wives. Not long ago I heard Larry on the radio extol the virtues of drinking red grape juice.  Did you know that grape juice is rich in flavonoids and catchin, which are extremely heart healthy substances? And did you know that no one drinking grape juice has ever spontaneously combusted into Kathie Lee Gifford?

So I reacquainted myself with grape juice and I like it just fine.  And the grape juice I prefer is Kedem's, made in strict compliance with rabbinical standards which means I got the Big Boy pulling for me too.  Frankly grape juice has it all --- except that clean crisp delicious kick to the throat that only Coke has.

The time has come. Tomorrow there will be thirst. Tomorrow there will be temptation. Tomorrow there will be Coke v. Kedem, Caffeine v. Catechin,  and yes, Flavonoids v. High Fructose.

I am strong. I am resolute. I am ready!

Wish me luck.

May I have one last kick to the throat, please ....

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Whither Thou Bloggest

Whither Thou Bloggest is a quote I found myself ruminating upon the other day. It's derived from the Old Testament - the Book of Ruth  - and it means literally:

"What am I going to do with
 my suck ass blog?" 

I've been writing this blog almost six years and it continues to be as popular as the slides of your 1964 family vacation to Freedomland USA. I began musing on Facebook that very day as to possible ways to pump up the blog, improve my readership, and get ya to love me!  

Here's a few ideas so far:

1) Add a Frozen sing-a-long to every post.

2) Develop a story arc where I become Professor of Quantum Physics at MIT and do significant research in Vector Analysis. Merriment ensues.

3) More dick jokes.

4) Make the character an insecure Jewish Baby boomer. Oh, wait, that's the shitty premise we're trying to fix.

5) Add special features commentary by director Wes Anderson. 

6) Include Bloopers and Out-takes, especially when I flub use of the pluperfect  subjunctive. LOL!

7) Don't be so Jewish!

8) Instead of a Baby Boomer, I will now be a barefoot freckle-faced boy growin' up along the Mississippi with his best ol' friend Jim (Note: Check copyright availability.)

9) Ladies and gentlemen, Ms. Liza Minnelli!

10) A quick 'n easy dinner recipe in every post.

11) All Flash Fiction will now only be about The Flash.

12) No more fantasizing about hot women. From now on, it's moonlight and Sean Hannity!

11) Adopt warm-hearted "From Our House to Your House" sensibility.

12) Close each post by digging into a large bowl of spaghetti and meatballs. Bon Appetit!  

13) Make the character a blond Nordic gentile with self-confidence. You think that's a stretch?  

14) Somewhere in this blog, boys and girls, I've hidden an afikomen! 

15) I marry a woman with a big brood of children, and we follow their sassy adventures!

16) Bake each new fan a chocolate cake. But I won't have time to ice them.

17) I juggle flaming stuff.

18) More car crashes.

19) Ginger and Mary Ann cat fight over me. 

20) Occasional cameos by Mr. Bill Murray!

21) Always leave 'em with the old soft shoe.

22) Sure, everybody loves 17th Century English drama, but if I read one more Beaumont and Fletcher joke....

23) Dick joke translations into the Greek exclusively by James Franco.

24) Develop line of "Nouveau Old, Formerly Cute" cutlery and and transform blog into 24/7 infomercial featuring Tom Bergeron.  

25) Plumb the depths of human experience and illuminate the angst at the base of the soul. That'll reel in the suckers!

26) Add a catchy jingle. "Here's a story about a man named Perry ..."

27) Larry King? You're here? You'll do anything to stay active, won't you?  

28) I go undercover at Scientology Headquarters and produce a hard-hitting series of posts which prove conclusively and beyond a shadow of a doubt that they ain't bothering nobody.

29)  Add super hot women characters who have just overdosed on female Viagra. Explore endless ways in which they tell Perry "no, we're just not in the mood right now."

30) My secret identity as Batman is at last revealed! True,  my crime fighting career is over, but maybe now you'll pay attention to the dick jokes?

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So, do you have any other thoughts?  All are welcome as I am as desperate for a blog concept as Republican Presidential candidates are for a credible idea.

Oh, and one more thing.  

Any of you know Liza Minnelli?

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Interview with the Vampire

Vlad the Retailer and Barbara Walters circa 1932

Please allow me to introduce myself:  I'm a man of neither wealth nor taste.

That is, my 401 (k) took a beating just like yours recently and I'm going to need mine for a lot longer than you ever will. And as for taste, well, the Children of the Night, the music they make rocks my tuchas! 

Oh, and by the way, I'm not a man either.

I am the Legendary Jewish Vampire, Vlad the Retailer.

Mr. Perry Block, the proprietor of this blog,  has asked me to provide a special Halloween entry and I've been glad to  oblige.  The last time I encountered the redoubtable Mr. Block --- that is everyone who meets him doubts him --- I was attempting to frighten him and his young son during a vampiric onslaught of his native city of Philadelphia last year.

Now I'm used to being able to incite the kind of terror in humans that Bernie Madoff  feels whenever he hears the words "you know, your new cellmate likes you." But last year the vampiric craze was at its height and I was viewed as simply the Vampire of the Month by Mr. Block and thoroughly unable to scare him.

And Perry Block is someone who runs screaming at the sight of Larry King!

How did I  --- a nice Jewish boy voted "Most Likely To Be Drawn & Quartered by Anti-Semites"  in my 1257 high school graduating class at Transylvania's  Ecole Speciale for Blasphemous Vermin --- come to be known as the Legendary Jewish Vampire, Vlad the Retailer? 

I was employed by the firm of Shylock and Sons and my job was to audit the monthly output of fecal matter from the hovels of peasants of the realm. The job was fraught with danger from feral wolves, wild boar, and the toothless haglike spouses of audited peasants who daily lunged at me under the highly mistaken impression that "once you go Jewish, you'll never be bluish."

One night I met a lustrous blonde shiksa who seemed quite interested in learning all about the Kosher custom of never mixing meat with dairy, and believe me, I had no intention of serving her any dairy that eve!

I stole a kiss!  And then she stole my jugular!  And thereafter it was eternal life as one of the Undead,  nightly seeking out the blood of humans for my ages-old sustenance, and a great deal of work with Abbott and Costello in the early 1950's. 

Hey Abbott!!!   I loved that little guy!

I've submitted to one previous personal interview back in 1932 with Barbara Walters.   Although well along in her middle years at the time, Ms. Walters was still a tasty morsel  and I wanted to chow down on her.   Good thing I didn't because I'm really hoping she can get me in to meet Paul McCartney! 

Had a man-crush on him since I was 782!  

The interest in vampires having greatly waned today, I've decided to take a straight job. I'm replacing Daniel Radcliffe in "How to Succeed in Business without Really Trying" on Broadway in  November.  

Say, why don't you come see the show?  I'll get you comped.   Afterwards we could go get something to eat.

Oh, no doesn't have to be a big deal.  

Just a quick bite.

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