Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Interview with the Vampire

Vlad the Retailer and Barbara Walters circa 1932

Please allow me to introduce myself:  I'm a man of neither wealth nor taste.

That is, my 401 (k) took a beating just like yours recently and I'm going to need mine for a lot longer than you ever will, and as for taste, well, the Children of the Night, the music they make rocks my tuchas

Oh, and by the way, I'm not a man either.

I am the Legendary Jewish Vampire, Vlad the Retailer.

Mr. Perry Block, the proprietor of this blog,  has asked me to provide a special Halloween entry and I've been glad to  oblige.  The last time I encountered the redoubtable Mr. Block --- that is everyone who meets him doubts him --- I was attempting to frighten him and his young son during a vampiric onslaught of his native city of Philadelphia last year.

Now I'm used to being able to incite the kind of terror in humans that Bernie Madoff  feels whenever he hears the words "you know, your new cellmate likes you." But last year the vampiric craze was at its height and I was viewed as simply the Vampire of the Month, as thoroughly unable to scare Mr. Block as Adam Sandler is to make a movie that doesn't --- you'll pardon the expression --- suck.   

And Perry Block is someone who runs screaming at the sight of Larry King!

How did I  --- a nice Jewish boy voted "Most LikelyTo Be Drawn & Quartered by Anti-Semites"  in my 1257 high school graduating class at Transylvania's  Ecole Speciale for Blasphemous Vermin --- come to be known as the Legendary Jewish Vampire, Vlad the Retailer? I hope you don't mind if I crack open a "bloodski" while I relate my lurid tale of groteque deception, vampirism,  and medieval accountancy.  

I was employed by the firm of Shylock and Sons and my job was to audit the monthly output of fecal matter from the hovels of peasants under the protection of Lord Aleepin of Kluzteyu. The job was fraught with danger from feral wolves, wild boar, and the toothless haglike spouses of audited peasants who daily lunged at me under the highly mistaken impression that "once you go Jewish, you'll never be bluish."

Keep in mind these weathered crones couldn't read or write, let alone not screw up memes!

To relax I attended one of the few singles bars of the realm that allowed a mixed clientele. There one night I met a lustrous blonde shiksa who seemed quite interested in learning all about the Kosher custom of never mixing meat with dairy, and believe me, I had no intention of serving her any dairy that eve!

I stole a kiss!  And then she stole my jugular!  And thereafter it was eternal life as one of the Undead,  nightly seeking out the blood of humans for my ages-old sustenance, and a great deal of work with Abbott and Costello in the early 1950's. 

Hey Abbott!!!   I loved that little guy!

I've submitted to one previous personal interview back in 1932 with Barbara Walters.   Although well along in her middle years at the time, Ms. Walters was still a tasty morsel  and I wanted to chow down on her.   Good thing I didn't because I'm really hoping she can get me in to meet Paul McCartney!  Had a mancrush on him since I was 782!  

In the interview, Ms. Walters asked me what I enjoy most  about being a Jewish vampire.   Of course, the answer is whenever I have the occasion to nourish myself by biting an Asian person in the neck! You know how Jews are about Chinese food.

However, the interest in vampires having greatly waned today, I've decided to take a straight job. I'm replacing Daniel Radcliffe in "How to Succeed in Business without Really Trying" on Broadway in  November.  Many people say it's  ironic that I'm going to be  doing a show in New York at the same time former Vice-President Dick Cheney is opening in "Paint Your Wagon."

But I don't see why.  That guy's a monster!

Say, why don't you come see the show?  I'll get you comped.   Afterwards we could go get something to eat.

Oh, no doesn't have to be a big deal.  Just a quick bite.

It'll be on me.

Not a Member of the Tribe?
    shiksa - a gentile girl, often in the sense of  "young, blonde, hot and probably unobtainable."  But you knew that, didn't you?


SJ said...

Hahaha.... this was fun!

Thanks for the giggles. Happy Halloween, handsome!


Perry Block said...

Sammy Jo,
I assume by "Handsome," you mean Vlad the Retailer ...

Merilyn Jackson said...

Really wonderful. I was just going to graze through, but then I ate the whole enchilada!

Perry Block said...

Thank you, Merilyn!

And "grazing through" and/or "eating the whole enchilada" are and will always remain absolutely free here at "Nouveau Old, Formerly Cute!"

Donations, however, are graciously accepted ...