How to Tell the Real Monsters at Halloween

Halloween isn't just for kids.

Ghouls, monsters, vampires, and all manner of children of the night enjoy what music they make on Halloween because once a year they may mingle incognito among humans without anyone chasing  them with a stake, a silver bullet, or a boxed set of ABBA's greatest hits.

But how do you tell whether that becloaked or be-bloodied figure at your door on Halloween is hoping to cop a mini-butterfingers or chop off your butterfingers all the way up to your arm pit?

Here's how:

How to Tell the Real Monsters at Halloween

1)  That horrible, cackling, hideous old crone?  Your wife.

2) Are there mindless crazed-looking creatures shrieking "brains, brains, we need brains!" stumbling up the street?  They're not zombies, they're Trump supporters.

3)  If the 6 year old at your door asks if he can have an extra chocolate bar for the Invisible Man who is standing right next to him, you have just met the world's youngest con artist or the world's shyest Invisible Man.

4)  If a 4 foot 3 inch Godzilla in a phony looking costume comes to your door, it is not Godzilla but Herschel Farbman from the next block.

5) Did a little old lady get mutilated late last night?  Yep, Werewolves of London.

6) If a 400 foot Godzilla comes to your door and rips off the front of  your house, breathes fire and incinerates your family, bites you in half with razor sharp six foot long teeth, and ingests every bloody part of  you, it is not Godzilla but Herschel Farbman from the next block in the premium Godzilla costume.

7) If you see a man coming down the street with a blood stained chainsaw, gaping wounds,  and a horrific expression on his face, he is not the maniac from The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, he's a Jewish guy who's  just been trying to do home repair.

8) If a skeleton comes to your door, eats a Milky Way, and you can watch it travel all the way down his alimentary canal and drop out his rear end, that's a real skeleton.  And call me up, I'd love to see that!

9) If  Batman comes to  your house and talks your ear off about how bad it sucks that  Ben  Affleck is  playing him, it's really Batman.

10) If the vampire at the door recoils at the sight of a cross, casts no reflection in a mirror, and looks admiringly at the nape of your neck, forget about being a morning person for a long, long time. 

11) That lumbering, inarticulate, growling hulk?  Your husband.

12)  If the guy dressed all in red with a tale and horns asks if he may take your immortal soul, try to talk him into a box of Goobers instead.

13)  If an 800 foot Godzilla comes to your door and swallows whole all your candy, you got off easy.

14)  If a child comes to your door and says "Trick or Treat for UNICEF" and you're a Trump supporter, run, run, run,  it's The Liberal Fiend from the UN! And don't ever come back, you stupid asshole!

15) Was his hair perfect?   Werewolves of London again?  Nope,  David Muir of ABC News.

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Blogpost of Horror

BLOGPOST OF

Three Tales of (not so)
Classic Horror!

presenting

The Sliming

 Invasion of the Body Language Snatchers

The Ex-President's Exorcist 

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THE SLIMING

Blog writer Perry Block and his son Brandon are driving to the remote Overlook Hotel.

Brandon: Dad, why have you accepted a job as a caretaker at an old hotel when you're Jewish and you can barely tie your shoelaces, let alone maintain a building?

Perry:  It will be nice and quiet there so I can work on my blog writing.

Brandon: Nice and quiet describes your fan base too!

At the hotel ...

Scatman Crothers: (to Brandon) You have a certain ability which I call SLIMING.

Brandon:  Aren't you getting your movie parodies mixed up, Mr. Crothers?

Scatman Crothers: No, I mean you can see things telepathically that others can't.

Brandon:  Like those two dead girls? I thought they were part of the floor show!

Brandon goes to check on Perry's writing.

Brandon: (incredulous)  Dad, what on earth is this?!!  (reading)

All work and no play makes Perry a dull boy and he was no prize to begin with  .... All work and no play makes Perry a dull boy and he was no prize to begin with ....  All work and no play makes Perry a dull boy and he was no prize to begin with ... All work and no play makes Perry a dull boy and he was no prize to begin with ....

Perry:   It's my latest post.  

Brandon:  Why, it's far and away the best thing you've ever written! The most intelligible too.

Perry:  Thanks!   AHHHH!!!   What's that green goo squirting at us?!

Brandon:  Oh, it's just THE SLIMING from Ghostbusters.  I knew there was a parody mix-up.

Perry:  Let's get cleaned up and get out of here!

Brandon:  Good. Where's the john?

Perry: Right here. To my left a few steps.

Brandon:  Where?  

Perry:  Right in front of you! 

Brandon:  I don't see it!

Perry:        Brandon:

 HERE'S JOHNNY!!!!

Brandon:  Oh.  Got it.       

 (Lame, I know. They'll get better.)

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 Invasion of the Body Language Snatchers

Dr. Miles Block (voiceover): My name is Dr. Miles Block. I am a successful gynecologist (In real life it should only be!) in Santa Mira CA.  One day an old friend came to my office, the recently divorced Becky Driscoll, with whom I would soon become romantically entangled.

Becky: If you're entangled, Miles, you should use a better cream rinse.

Dr. Miles Block:  Sure, Becky.  Who is that with you? 

Becky:  It's my Uncle George.  He's behaving very strangely.  

Uncle George:  WOO HOO.  Meh.  :*)

Becky:  See, Miles, he doesn't talk like a normal person.

Dr. Miles Block:  Yes, it's as if someone has snatched away the body of his language, leaving only silly abbreviated jargon behind.

Becky:  Oooh, Miles! Nice tie-in to the title of this dumb parody! 

Uncle George: WOOT! LOL!  See a pix of my kitty, Mr. Parsnips!  :*)    : @)   : o }

Becky:  Miles, it's horrible!  What is it?!

Dr. Miles Block:  I don't know but we must stop it!  

Dr. Dan Kauffman: (entering the scene) IMHO, u cant stop it, Miles.   STFU! ROFLMAO! 

Dr. Miles Block: What is all this, Dan? And I didn't say anything funny ....

Dr. Kauffman: While u sleep, they snatch the body of u're language, leaving u to talk in inane gibberish & become obsessed w/ former Star Trek actor George Takei!

Dr. Miles Block:  What are they, giant seedpods?

Dr. Kauffman: No, Miles, Giant Facebooks! 

Dr. Miles Block:  And this is a good thing because? 

Dr. Kauffman:   Beats me. Ask Al Gore! YOLO! 

Dr. Miles Block: Run, Becky, Run!

Dr. Kauffman:   U cant run, Miles. WOOT! WOOT!  But do run to purchase George Takei's new book "Oh Myyy!," now available on Amazon, iTunes, and Barnes & Noble! WOOT! WOOT!

Uncle George:  WOO HOO!

Becky:  Help!  Help!! Help!!!

Dr. Miles Block (Voiceover):  Becky and I ran for our linguistic lives! Finally when we'd escaped Dan Kauffman and Uncle George, I left Becky for a moment. You know, I had to go pee pee. (That's a legitimate full word.) When I returned ....

Becky:  I went to sleep, Miles & it happened. I mean: IWTSMAIH!  WOOT!  WOOT!    !!!!!

Dr. Miles Block: Oh, Becky, I should never have left you. There goes the possibility of any stimulating conversations with you  about William Butler Yeats!
   
Becky: HE'S HERE! LOL! LMAO! ROFLMAO! BTW, making soup today!

Dr. Miles Block (Voiceover): I've known fear in my time, but never fear like when I tried to talk to Becky in full demonstrative sentences and she replied with IWTSMAIH. WOOT! WOOT!     !!!!!!, and got 27 likes to boot! I ran to the highway to warn the others.

Dr. Miles Block:  You're next! You're next, You're next!

Motorist 1:  WTF?

Motorist 2: STFU!

Motorist 3: Luv Mr. Parnips! :&)   

Dr. Miles Block:  Umm,  Dan?  

Dr. Kauffman:  Yes, Miles? YOLO! 

Dr. Miles Block: Where's the happy alternative ending? Y'know, where they finally believe me and they call out the FBI? 

Dr. Kauffman: This is the original version of the film, Miles.  NHE. 

Dr. Miles Block:  NHE? 

Dr. Kauffman:  No happy ending. 

Dr. Miles Block: No happy ending?

Dr. Kauffman:  NHE.     

Dr. Miles Block:  OMG! U're next! U're next! OMG! WTF!!! Poke! Like me on Facebook. :*) : @) Impeach Obama!  U're next! U're next! U're next ....

George Takei:  And you're next.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Ex-President's Exorcist

After the above establishing shot, the front door of a house is seen from the inside. A loud knock is heard.

The Mrs:  Who is it?

There is no reply.

The Mrs:  I said, Who is it?

Voice:  (ominously) You sent for me.

The Mrs:  Oh, yes, come in.  Please come in.

The Mrs. cautiously opens the door to reveal ....

Father Perry Block: I am the Ex-President's Exorcist, Father Perry Block. 

The Mrs: But you're not even Catholic!

Father Perry Block: It's all part of an exchange program.  I get to be an exorcist for a month, some Catholic guy gets to be funny. Or think he's funny.

The Mrs: Oh, Father Block, it's been terrible! The things that Reagan has said and done, the spewing bile, the head turning 360 degrees; if only Ed Sullivan were still on, we'd make a fortune!  Is this a case of demonic possession?

Father Perry Block: We'll soon see.  I have to examine your daughter.

The Mrs: My daughter?!  No, it's my husband who's possessed --- Former President Ronald Reagan.

Father Perry Block: No wonder I'm called the Ex-President's Exorcist!  That explains the calls from Hillary Clinton, but I can't exorcise somebody who's alive!

Father Block and the Mrs. ascend to Reagan's bedroom.  As they open the door....

Reagan: Your mother knits socks so well!  

Father Perry Block: (to audience) Got to admit we handled that one deftly, didn't we, folks?

The Mrs:  Ever since the Democrats began praising my husband and talking about how he wouldn't recognize the Republican Party today, they seem to be taking him over! 

Reagan:  You know, Mommy, lately I think government may not be big enough.

The Mrs. screams!

Father Perry Block: Tip O'Neil, is that you?

Reagan sits up and spins his head around 360 degrees. The Mrs. screams again!

The Mrs:  What does it mean, Father Block?

Father Perry Block: It means Reagan is now seeing all dimensions of an issue, not just the one-sided view of the modern Republican Party! 

Reagan opens his mouth and vomits gobs of green disgusting bile.

The Mrs: What on earth is that revolting slop?

Father Perry Block: Oh my God!  He's vomited out the rhetoric of the National Rifle Association!!!  

Reagan: You know, Mommy, there should be some redistribution of wealth for those less fortunate.

The Mrs: Do something, Father Block!  Reagan is turning into a straight Barney Frank!

Father Perry Block:  Come onto me, Evil Spirit!  Take me, not Reagan!  (to audience) Like I would actually do something like this ....

The spirit rises from the body of Reagan, then turns upon Father Block!

Boy, if this doesn't get us readers!

The Spirit enters the body of Father Block.  It can distinctly be seen gritting its teeth and holding its nose beforehand.  Father Block crashes through the window and into the courtyard below, and believe it or not, it's more fun than he ever had as a Jew!

The Mrs. runs down to Father Block.

The Mrs: Father Block!  Father Block!  Reagan is cured; he's arranging tax breaks for millionaires as we speak!

Father Perry Block: Thank goodness.  And ... and ...  this ... this is Hardball on MSNBC, the Place for Politics!

The Mrs:  So!  It was Chris Matthews all along!  

Father Perry Block: Well, things could be worse.  At least I'm not Anthony Weiner!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Blogpost of Horror!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 Written by Perry ChoppingBlock

Produced by Pierce-y Block

Directed by Puree Shlockmeister

The Return of the Legendary Jewish Vampire, Vlad the Retailer

Some Vampire Weekend! 
 Why am I the one that always has to do the sucking?

Things had become very disheartening for the Legendary Jewish Vampire, Vlad the Retailer, and normally when you use the words "dis-hearten" and "vampire" in the same sentence, you can expect bad and bloody things to follow.

But that was not to be the case on this particular eve, the eve of All Saint's Day known as Halloween. Vlad looked in the mirror and realized he wasn't getting any younger.  Of course, he wasn't getting any older either. 

"I don't even know what I look like," he thought. "Do I look like the young Mel Gibson in The Road Warrior or the old Mel Gibson in The Beaver?  But Mel Gibson is an anti-Semite.  If I look like the old one, no wonder I don't get more Jewish girls!" 

Above all, Vlad longed for a normal existence."Living eternally is not all it's cracked up to be," thought Vlad, "especially when we get to the point where the sun crashes into the earth 50 billion years from now. That's going to take some getting used to."

Then there was the need to keep up with social references.  Vlad's jokes about Marie de Medici had not been going over well, and nobody seemed to appreciate his spot on impression of  Calvin Coolidge.  Mostly, however, Vlad wished that he could have a human girl friend, someone whose boobs were as enticing to him as her neck.

If only he could be a tit man, not a nape man! 

It seemed to Vlad that undeath was passing him by.

Vlad decided to go see Rabbi Lichtman at Temple Beth Hemoglobin. Rabbi Lichtman was a very wise and learned 1200 year old vampiric scholar who had written the definitive Passover Hagaddah for Vampires, which substituted blood for wine and very skinny dudes for matzoh. 

If anyone would have the answer, it would be Rabbi Lichtman. Well, maybe Alex Trebek, but then it would be in the form of a question.

"Rabbi," said the Legendary Jewish Vampire, Vlad the Retailer,"I am deeply perplexed. Not to mention plexed and multiplexed as well."

"That's the trifecta!" replied Rabbi Lichtman. 

"Oh, Rabbi," said Vlad, "I want to be human!" 

"Human? That's a tough one, Vlad.  By age 450, one's personality is pretty much set."

"But why did Hashem make us vampires?  Couldn't he have made us dentists, with a thriving suburban practice?  Or better yet, lawyers?"

"Then everyone would really hate us."

"Rabbi, there must be something that can be done. I'm sick and tired of going to the beach wearing Coppertone Protection Factor Number INFINITY!"  

"If you're truly serious,Vlad, there is one place you can go that can make you human."

"I'll do anything to be human, Rabbi, including sitting through one of your sermons."  

"You are serious!  The place to go is:  Bosley Restoration Services."

"The hair restoration infomercial people on TV?"

"Yes, they have a special human being restoration service too.  But there is a problem; they do not always succeed."

"I should have known!"

"Oh, they can always change a vampire to a human, they just can't always give you hair."

Eager and hopeful if still a bit multiplexed  .... multiplexed? .... the Legendary Jewish Vampire, Vlad the Retailer bade Rabbi Lichtman goodbye, spread his black cape, and leaped into the air. 

A small dark bat flew through the night headed for the Promised Land, Bosley Restoration Services, a land flowing with milk and honey shampoo, where Vlad hoped he would finally become human.

Or at least wind up with hair like Robert Pattinson.

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A Boomer's Trick or Treat

It's the most wonderful time of the year!

Ever since I was the tiniest of tots, I've loved Halloween. 

Halloween is Dracula, Frankenstein, Danse Macabre, "the Children of the Night, what music they make," Lon Chaney Jr., bloody fangs,  black capes, Bela Lugosi pre-Ed Wood, blazing jack-o-lanterns, headless horsemen,"even a man who is pure at heart and says his prayers by night," Boris Karloff, trick or treat 'til you drop,  Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein, zombies, werewolves, a graveyard on your front lawn and a monster in your vestibule, haunted hayrides, and a whole mess of Nestle's Crunch Bars plus the occasional Hershey's Kiss.

Why should only kids get to enjoy this wonderful holiday? 

The answer is, they shouldn't!

"Trick or Treat!" 

"Why ... hello.  Say, aren't you a little old to be trick or treating?"

"No, no, not at all!  I'm well below any age cut-off.  I'm only 62."  

"Oh, I see.  Well, tell me, Little Boy, who are you supposed to be?"

"Can't you tell?  I'm actor George Clooney!"

"Actor George Clooney?"

"Yes, I am.  And I know who you are.  You're the smokin' hot .... I... I... mean sexy divorcee .... I... I mean, nice lady who just moved to our neighborhood."   

"Well, yes, I'm Rachel Pressman.  How did you make yourself look s-o-o-o much like George Clooney,  Little Boy?"

"Oh, I just put on a little bit of makeup.  Hardly needed any at all."

"Really?  Because it looks like you have on a full head mask, padded chest and shoulders,  and three inch heels on your shoes."

"Well ... uh ... let's just say I love Halloween."

"Do a lot of the kids your age around here go out on Halloween, Little Boy?  Because I've already had Matt Damon, two Brad Pitts,  and the lead actor from Big Bang Theory at my door."

"That must have been Larry Blumberg,  he's a little slow and..." 

"I'm sorry, Little Boy, I don't have any candy for you.  Is there anything else nice and sweet I can give you?" 

"OMG, I should be dressed like Groucho Marx to handle that line!" 

"I have to go now, Little Boy.  I've got a Halloween party to attend myself."

"Gee, I ... I  could go with you.  So you don't have to go alone!"

"Sorry, Little Boy, it's just for grownups.  Got to squeeze into my costume now."

"What kind of costume is it?"

"Lady Godiva."  

"LADY GODIVA??!!!"

"Goodnight, Little Boy."

Damn Stupid Halloween!  After all,  it really is just for kids! 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It took just a little bit of make-up.

I swear it.