Thursday, October 18, 2012

The Legendary Jewish Vampire, Vlad The Retailer


So, I like shiksehs ...

The times had not been particularly kind of late for the Legendary Jewish Vampire, Vlad the Retailer.

It was  early November and even the normally joyous holiday of Halloween had failed to cheer Vlad.  Like many in the current American economy, the Legendary Jewish Vampire was in a desperate straits. During the final days of the Vampire Boom several years ago vampires had become as overexposed as the expression "Honey Boo Boo" has for the past month, and Vlad had found himself wholly unable to make a halfway decent Unliving.

This was also an election year in the United States of America.  Vlad had not voted in an American election since 1908 when he cast his ballot for William Howard Taft but less because of any keen analysis of the issues than because for a vampire Mr. Taft was such incredible eye candy.

As of today still one of the Undead undecided,  Vlad had to ask himself the key question: 

"Am I better off now than I was 400 years ago?"

Back in those days, things weren't easy for a Jewish vampire.  Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition,  but Vlad the Retailer expected it every morning about 8:00 and never later than 8:35  even on days the Grand Inquisitor would sleep in. 

In hopes of finding acceptance  in Renaissance society,  Vlad had taken up painting, and his sensitive Abbott & Costello Meet the Virgin and Child  did in fact achieve some modest renown as one of the finer paint-by-numbers canvases of the period.  Yet his art career foundered when a commissioned still life turned out to be way more still than life, and Vlad found himself fleeing from angry mobs decrying him a fiend, a demon,  and a monster, and they didn't like the fact that he was a vampire either.

Vlad chowed down on a Corned Beef Special --- consisting of corned beef, cole slaw, and some random guy from St. Petersburg in the act of pulling up his pants ---  and thought over the choices in the upcoming election. 

True,  President Barack Obama sometimes failed to come through on promises he had made, but he had never made any promises regarding Vlad's main issue of concern, a sane national policy of Garlic Control. Vlad understood that the National Garlic Association (NGA) was just too strong both in terms of political power and smell.   

Joe Biden seemed like a decent chap, Vlad thought, but he was not fond of Mr. Biden's home state of Delaware where Vlad  had once spent 100 years one weekend.

On the other side was Governor Mitt Romney and Congressman Paul Ryan.  But Governor Romney tended to flip flop like a latke on a hot griddle cooked by a nervous vampire at daybreak, and Representative Ryan looked too much like Eddie Munster.   

"I'm not prejudiced," thought Vlad, "but I'm just not ready for a werewolf Vice-President."   

Vlad made his way to the nearby voting place where he found himself deluged by multiple persons pressing political flyers into his hands.

"Vote for Governor Romney," said one. "Here's a list of his positions, updated daily.  Sometimes hourly."

"Here's a rundown of Barack Obama's key promises for America," said another.  "For starters,  your check is in the mail, he was just about to call you, and he won't ...."

"I get it, I get it!"  said Vlad. 

Entering the polling place, Vlad signed in with the volunteer at the desk before him.

"We're gonna need picture ID," she said.

"I'm afraid that's impossible,"  replied Vlad.

"Sir, we need driver's license, other government issued photo ID card, blood bank donor card ... which from the looks of you, I kinda doubt you got!"

"Madam," said Vlad, "I don't cast a reflection in a mirror and no camera can photograph my image."

"Sounds like you need to upgrade to a smart phone, sir."

"No, you fool," bellowed  Vlad, "I'm a vampire!"

"Wonderful!"  said the volunteer.  "The photo ID requirement's  supposed to weed out minorities and it's working perfectly!"

"I'm also Jewish."

"Bingo, two for two!"

Following a bit of persuasion followed by a bite of persuasion, Vlad was able to enter the voting booth and exercise his franchise.  As he exited the booth,  he felt proud that he had taken part in a great American process almost as old as he was and proud that at his age he was able to exercise anything, let alone his franchise.  

Vlad lifted his arms and, gently holding the corners of  his cape,  leaped high into the air.  A bat flew off into the night.  A circumcised bat, but a bat nonetheless. 

Vlad thought maybe he'd grab himself a quick bite and then go home and watch the returns with Wolf Blitzer

"Good old Wolf Blitzer," thought the Legendary Jewish Vampire, Vlad the Retailer.  

"Nice Jewish boy, but I can't stand that first name!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Legendary Jewish Vampire,  Vlad ...
That's Funny!

5 comments:

Lexi said...

When is this election thing going to be over?

You all seem quite excited about it.

Perry Block said...

It will be over in a few weeks, Lexi.

I promise.

Then they start gearing up for the next one four years from now.

Perry Block said...

Author's Note: I love this piece.

It features a continuing character I've developed, neatly combines the Jewish and vampire concepts, and I think the name "Vlad the Retailer" is pretty funny, if I do say so myself.

I also like the way that Vlad has developed from the bumbling schlemiel he was in this first post to a more competent self-assured creature of the night who speculates on his existence as he throws out the one liners.

I also like the political story here which combines the vampire/Jewish themes with the upcoming election and lampoons the candidates in a more even-handed manner than I usually do.

Again no comments to speak of, but I got faith in you, Vlad. Happy Halloween, Happy Hannukah!

Carrie Bailey said...

Is there a post on Vlad's diet? Is he kosher? I'm sensing some conflicts here...

Perry Block said...

No, Carrie, he's not kosher. He'll suck the blood of anyone who comes along, but his favorite blood?

Chinese, of course. Preferably that of one General Tso.

He's a Jew first and a vampire second.