Sunday, October 26, 2014

How to Tell the Real Monsters at Halloween

Halloween isn't just for kids.

Ghouls, monsters, vampires, and all manner of children of the night enjoy what music they make on Halloween because once a year they may mingle incognito among humans without anyone chasing  them with a stake, a silver bullet, or a boxed set of ABBA's greatest hits.

But how do you tell whether that becloaked or be-bloodied figure at your door on Halloween is hoping to cop a mini-butterfingers or chop off your butterfingers all the way up to your arm pit?

Here's how:

How to Tell the Real Monsters at Halloween

1)  That horrible, cackling, hideous old crone?  Your wife.

2) Are there mindless crazed-looking creatures shrieking "brains, brains, we need brains!" stumbling up the street?  They're not zombies, they're Trump supporters.

3)  If the 6 year old at your door asks if he can have an extra chocolate bar for the Invisible Man who is standing right next to him, you have just met the world's youngest con artist or the world's shyest Invisible Man.

4)  If a 4 foot 3 inch Godzilla in a phony looking costume comes to your door, it is not Godzilla but Herschel Farbman from the next block.

5) Did a little old lady get mutilated late last night?  Yep, Werewolves of London.

6) If a 400 foot Godzilla comes to your door and rips off the front of  your house, breathes fire and incinerates your family, bites you in half with razor sharp six foot long teeth, and ingests every bloody part of  you, it is not Godzilla but Herschel Farbman from the next block in the premium Godzilla costume.

7) If you see a man coming down the street with a blood stained chainsaw, gaping wounds,  and a horrific expression on his face, he is not the maniac from The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, he's a Jewish guy who's  just been trying to do home repair.

8) If a skeleton comes to your door, eats a Milky Way, and you can watch it travel all the way down his alimentary canal and drop out his rear end, that's a real skeleton.  And call me up, I'd love to see that!

9) If  Batman comes to  your house and talks your ear off about how bad it sucks that  Ben  Affleck is  playing him, it's really Batman.

10) If the vampire at the door recoils at the sight of a cross, casts no reflection in a mirror, and looks admiringly at the nape of your neck, forget about being a morning person for a long, long time. 

11) That lumbering, inarticulate, growling hulk?  Your husband.

12)  If the guy dressed all in red with a tale and horns asks if he may take your immortal soul, try to talk him into a box of Goobers instead.

13)  If an 800 foot Godzilla comes to your door and swallows whole all your candy, you got off easy.

14)  If a child comes to your door and says "Trick or Treat for UNICEF" and you're a Trump supporter, run, run, run,  it's The Liberal Fiend from the UN! And don't ever come back, you stupid asshole!

15) Was his hair perfect?   Werewolves of London again?  Nope,  David Muir of ABC News.


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