Tuesday, June 30, 2015

Dracula 2015 - An Epistolary Novel

Yes, it will be my pleasure to poke you!

An epistolary novel is a novel written as a series of documents such as letters, diary entries, and newspaper clippings.  Printed in 1897Dracula by Bram Stoker is one of most well-known epistolary novels, compiled entirely of letters, diary entries, newspaper clippings, telegrams, doctor's notes, ship's logs, and the like.

But what if Dracula were written today?


Jonathan Harker's Twitter
                  
Jonathan Harker @HarkMan
WOOT!  Transylvania will be awesome! Dude named Dracula texted me &      I'm off!  Luv u, @Mina_HotChick! ♥ ♥ ♥!!!!  

Jonathan Harker @HarkMan
On train thru Carpathian Mts.  Peasant women here look pretty except when u get near them, they all look like actor Jonah Hill in a babushka! 


 Jonathan Harker @HarkMan
 Frightened old lady in hotel heard me talk of Dracula and put crucifix  around my  neck!    WTF?  #DontTellRabbiMishkin


 Jonathan Harker @HarkMan
 On coach to Borgo Pass.  Odd; other passengers outdoing one another  pointing at me, clutching throats, & making gagging sounds!    Woohoo!


 Jonathan Harker @HarkMan
 Have arrived at crumbling old Castle Dracula. Place could use work.    Nothing that a coat of paint & 6 wrecking balls couldn't  cure! #WhataDump  

Jonathan Harker @HarkMan
Starting to think visiting Dracula may turn out to be as much fun as attending same-sex wedding w/ Justice Scalia!  :-(    :-(    :-(   


Dracula's Twitter


Dracula@Fangsalot46
I am @Fangsalot46.   I tweet you welcome, @HarkMan! #SpidertotheFly


Dracula@Fangsalot46
Woohoo, I luv Twitter!  I have over 17,000 followers. Of course, most of them follow me with torches, pitchforks, and pickaxes!  LOL!!!  :-)



Dracula@Fangsalot46
How about giving me a retweet on that one, @HarkMan?  I get more RTs than Kim Kardashian's bare ass ever did!  #AskTheNearestZombie


Dracula@Fangsalot46
WOOT! The Childen of the Night; What music they make!  Wait,  I'm sensing a boy band here ....  https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Backstreet_Boys


Dracula@Fangsalot46
Make yourself at home,@HarkMan! Tomorrow there will be breakfast, and since this is Twitter, with bacon & copious amounts of coffee!    
             

Dracula@Fangsalot46
No, I never drink .... coffee.  Just sayin' .   

            
Dracula@Fangsalot46
I bid you good night, @HarkMan.  Sleep tight, don't let the bedbugs bite. That's my job!  LMFAO!  #WannaNeck?   


Jonathan Harker's Facebook


Jonathan Harker

Dearest Mina.  I must now communicate via Facebook because the Count is a Tweethead! What's worse, he LOLs his own jokes and insists I give him RTs! Dracula is a bizarre diseased creature who recoils at the sight of a crucifix, casts no reflection in a mirror, and roots for the Phillies!  Oh, Mina, please comfort me by posting a picture of Pedals, our adorable kitten! 



 Mina Murray's Facebook

Mina Murray

Of course, dearest Jonathan! Here is  our sweet Pedals, all dressed up like a vampire from last Halloween!


  


Jonathan Harker's Facebook


Jonathan Harker
Mina, remind me when I get back we have to talk about our relationship!


Dracula's  Facebook
 Dracula

So you are on Facebook too, my dear young sir?  Please friend me, then I will poke you.  Believe me, I will poke you!!!  (And Go, Phils!) 


Jonathan Harker's LinkedIn

 Jonathan Harker
Current Position:Solicitor (Living) 
Next Position: Solicitor (?)

Mina, the count is an ardent Facebooker too! I must now communicate through LinkedIn.  Nobody but nobody uses LinkedIn, especially people who want to get a job.



Dracula's LinkedIn
Dracula
Previous Position: Sucking the Blood of Crusaders
Current Position: Free Lance Blood Sucker (No, not an attorney)

Good Evening, Mr. Harker! Note that I have already endorsed you for European travel, real estate development, and Deliciousness! I am afraid you are out of luck now with social networks, unless you want to use JDate!




Jonathan Harker's Twitter   
               
   Jonathan Harker @HarkMan
 @Mina_HotChick! Had a tete a tete w/ the Count & all is fine. You will be a bite ... I mean, sight ... for sore eyes!  Luv u!  ♥ ♥ ♥!!!! #WannaNeck?

End.
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6 comments:

  1. This is brilliant, Perry! ROTFL!

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    1. Fangsalot46, Anne! Gee, I forgot to use ROTFL. Gonna go back and put it in.

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  2. What's that on Harker's face, mold? I'm not sure it's safe to take a bite out of him. Dracula might get something that wouldn't wash off with soap and water.
    That Mina Murray does look like quite a dish. She should have had the leading role instead of that moldy Harker.

    I have found LinkedIn to be pretty worthless too. I joined one of their writers group and now my inbox is bombarded with worthless emails.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. LinkedIn is perhaps the biggest horror of all in Dracula 2015. All those meaningless endorsements keep coming and coming and they don't stop and you are giving them too because they are expected and yet they are meaningless and you get more and give more and ... AHHHHH! Knew I'd find a little geniune horror here.

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  3. Dear Perry, I am shocked that you delve in Dracula's shenanigans! You should know, he is untrustworthy. He doesn't call when he's supposed to and his last box of chocolates tasted like they were 50 years old - well - maybe they were. Stay away from him Perry! Nan

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    Replies
    1. I'm always looking to delve into shenanigans, Dracula's or anyone else's. And I think his chocolate is more like 500 years old, but I never pay attention to "Better if used before" dates anyway. Thanks, Nan!

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