And Now a Brief Word from Uncle Sam on the Eve of His Retirement

       

           To: All of You Across this Great Land of Ours

From : Your Uncle Sam

Date: July 3, 2026

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Today I must make the bittersweet announcement that I - your Uncle Sam - after serving for 250 years as the national symbol for the United States of America - am retiring effective July 5, 2026 at 12:05 AM Pacific Time.

This date and time has been carefully selected to fall after the last July 4 fireworks are over but probably not before your dog is finished hiding under the bed.

Oh, it’s been a great ride!

I’ve been through a lot with you over these 250 years: the War of 1812, the Civil War, Two World Wars, the McCarthy Hearings, and Chevy Chase getting his own talk show.

As your Uncle Sam, I have marched in small town parades in all 50 states, hung with the Inflatable Tube Man at endless Used Car Lot openings (BTW, he is one good hang!) and sung “This Land is Your Land, This Land is My Land” with Elmo.

Great stuff, but I’m pooped.

Yet with it all, it has been an incredible privilege to represent all of you throughout the generations, now Gen Z and Gen Alpha all the way back to Gen William Henry Harrison, which was kind of a short one.

You know, being the symbol of a great nation has had its challenges, as most of the other symbols have also discovered.

Betsy, aka “Old Glory,” really took it hard after Trump hugged her in 2019 and again in 2020. I tried my best to cheer her up but it took six months of professional counseling - and fumigation - to put Betsy back up on her flagpole where she belongs.

And in Philly the Liberty Bell went through a similar rough patch when Gritty insisted on a series of punishing selfies with him. I’m surprised that didn’t cause him to crack even further.

As for me, you may recall that some years ago I was in a well-publicized relationship, sort of like Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce, with Lady Liberty. And, well … okay, okay … she did dump me.

What are you gonna do? French chicks! Am I right?

But I have loved being your Uncle Sam. And I will miss you all!

What’s next for me?

Hitting a beach in the Bahamas with a pina colona in one hand, trashy beach novel in the other, and a David Letterman style beard growing upwards of both.

And golf. Lots and lots of golf!

Last time I played was with General Eisenhower in 1957.

Looking forward to hitting the links with Elmo next Tuesday.

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