It's the most wonderful time of the year!
Ever since I was the tiniest of tots, I've loved Halloween.
Halloween is Dracula, Frankenstein, Danse Macabre, "the Children of the Night, what music they make," Lon Chaney Jr., bloody fangs, black capes, Bela Lugosi pre-Ed Wood, blazing jack-o-lanterns, headless horsemen,"even a man who is pure at heart and says his prayers by night," Boris Karloff, trick or treat 'til you drop, Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein, zombies, werewolves, a graveyard on your front lawn and a monster in your vestibule, haunted hayrides, and a whole mess of Nestle's Crunch Bars plus the occasional Hershey's Kiss.
Why should only kids get to enjoy this wonderful holiday?
The answer is, they shouldn't!
"Trick or Treat!"
"Why ... hello. Say, aren't you a little old to be trick or treating?"
"No, no, not at all! I'm well below any age cut-off. I'm only 62."
"Oh, I see. Well, tell me, Little Boy, who are you supposed to be?"
"Can't you tell? I'm actor George Clooney!"
"Actor George Clooney?"
"Yes, I am. And I know who you are. You're the smokin' hot .... I... I... mean sexy divorcee .... I... I mean, nice lady who just moved to our neighborhood."
"Well, yes, I'm Rachel Pressman. How did you make yourself look s-o-o-o much like George Clooney, Little Boy?"
"Oh, I just put on a little bit of makeup. Hardly needed any at all."
"Really? Because it looks like you have on a full head mask, padded chest and shoulders, and three inch heels on your shoes."
"Well ... uh ... let's just say I love Halloween."
"Do a lot of the kids your age around here go out on Halloween, Little Boy? Because I've already had Matt Damon, two Brad Pitts, and the lead actor from Big Bang Theory at my door."
"That must have been Larry Blumberg, he's a little slow and..."
"I'm sorry, Little Boy, I don't have any candy for you. Is there anything else nice and sweet I can give you?"
"OMG, I should be dressed like Groucho Marx to handle that line!"
"I have to go now, Little Boy. I've got a Halloween party to attend myself."
"Gee, I ... I could go with you. So you don't have to go alone!"
"Sorry, Little Boy, it's just for grownups. Got to squeeze into my costume now."
"What kind of costume is it?"
"Goodnight, Little Boy."
Damn Stupid Halloween! After all, it really is just for kids!
It took just a little bit of make-up.
I swear it.