Resolutions Late But Great

I'm a little late to the party in putting together my list of resolutions for 2016, but it's little wonder because I wasn't even invited to the party.

Nonetheless I have compiled a list of behaviors of mine which could use a bit of improvement and condensed the resulting 375 items down to a concise list of ten, each of which I will fail to achieve but will come close enough to so that I can act like I made the effort. 

Here then are my Top Ten Resolutions Late But Great for 2016:  

1) I will stop and smell the roses. Then I will bust my ass to make up the time wasted. 

2) I will do something that greatly benefits and enhances the stature of the Jewish people.  I will convert to another religion.

3) I will work on improving my memory.  I will work on improving my memory.

4) I will stop whining about being older.  I will whine about everything.

5) I will learn how to definitively say "no" when someone asks me to do something I truly don't want to do, especially when it involves someone asking me to get out of bed.

6) I will be more genuine, sincere, and real with others around me.  That way I'll be better able to con them when I need to exploit them for something. 

7) I will volunteer to work for sane and reasonable gun control because that damn NRA gets me so mad I could just shoot every one of those fuckers!

8) I will be less self-deprecating because even a schmuck like me doesn't always screw up.

9) At long last I will find deep, true, and abiding love.  Then I'll turn off the Hallmark Channel and have a snack. 

10) I will always remember to be in the moment, that moment being 4:36 P.M. June 1, 1973. 


And this moment being January 2, 2016, I wish you a .....

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Now let's get out there and start breaking the shit out of our respective resolutions!

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How to Tell the Real Monsters at Halloween

Halloween isn't just for kids.

Ghouls, monsters, vampires, and all manner of children of the night enjoy what music they make on Halloween because once a year they may mingle incognito among humans without anyone chasing  them with a stake, a silver bullet, or a boxed set of ABBA's greatest hits.

But how do you tell whether that becloaked or be-bloodied figure at your door on Halloween is hoping to cop a mini-butterfingers or chop off your butterfingers all the way up to your arm pit?

Here's how:

How to Tell the Real Monsters at Halloween

1)  That horrible, cackling, hideous old crone?  Your wife.

2) Are there mindless crazed-looking creatures shrieking "brains, brains, we need brains!" stumbling up the street?  They're not zombies, they're Trump supporters.

3)  If the 6 year old at your door asks if he can have an extra chocolate bar for the Invisible Man who is standing right next to him, you have just met the world's youngest con artist or the world's shyest Invisible Man.

4)  If a 4 foot 3 inch Godzilla in a phony looking costume comes to your door, it is not Godzilla but Herschel Farbman from the next block.

5) Did a little old lady get mutilated late last night?  Yep, Werewolves of London.

6) If a 400 foot Godzilla comes to your door and rips off the front of  your house, breathes fire and incinerates your family, bites you in half with razor sharp six foot long teeth, and ingests every bloody part of  you, it is not Godzilla but Herschel Farbman from the next block in the premium Godzilla costume.

7) If you see a man coming down the street with a blood stained chainsaw, gaping wounds,  and a horrific expression on his face, he is not the maniac from The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, he's a Jewish guy who's  just been trying to do home repair.

8) If a skeleton comes to your door, eats a Milky Way, and you can watch it travel all the way down his alimentary canal and drop out his rear end, that's a real skeleton.  And call me up, I'd love to see that!

9) If  Batman comes to  your house and talks your ear off about how bad it sucks that  Ben  Affleck is  playing him, it's really Batman.

10) If the vampire at the door recoils at the sight of a cross, casts no reflection in a mirror, and looks admiringly at the nape of your neck, forget about being a morning person for a long, long time. 

11) That lumbering, inarticulate, growling hulk?  Your husband.

12)  If the guy dressed all in red with a tale and horns asks if he may take your immortal soul, try to talk him into a box of Goobers instead.

13)  If an 800 foot Godzilla comes to your door and swallows whole all your candy, you got off easy.

14)  If a child comes to your door and says "Trick or Treat for UNICEF" and you're a Trump supporter, run, run, run,  it's The Liberal Fiend from the UN! And don't ever come back, you stupid asshole!

15) Was his hair perfect?   Werewolves of London again?  Nope,  David Muir of ABC News.

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Where Is Everybody?

Is anybody here?  I'll settle for a Republican!

There is something peculiar about this day. 

I've felt it since the moment I first awakened.  Something more peculiar than just my pajama drawstring having gotten caught and knotted around you-know-what which had me talking like the late Truman Capote until I got to the john. 

I think to take a look outside. 

Odd.  There is  no one anywhere.  No men. No women.  No children.  (I think that about covers it.)

Where is Everybody?  

I leave my home and walk for blocks.  Stores shuttered  .... restaurants closed ... no one to be seen. Everywhere I look is like a convention of viewers of the Oprah Winfrey Network. 

Where is Everybody? 

I call out now in rising fear.  "Hey, I've got Regis Philbin here,  come out and meet him and get a selfie!"

But Regis doesn't draw like he used to.  How soon they forget, even Regis.

Now I run frantically from building to building like a giant pinball but without the dings, lights, or any half-way decent total of points!

Where is Everybody?! 

Has the Zombie Apocalypse taken place while I slept? Where are the mindless creatures bent on eating our brains and making us soulless and inhumane just like they are? And aside from Republicans, where are the Zombies? 

Or maybe I've awakened in a world where everyone is invisible. 

If everyone is invisible, that would make going to a movie hardly worth 12 bucks unless it stars Morgan Freeman's voice. 

Where is Everybody?!!  

Oh dear God, a lot of people owe me money!!

Am I going mad?! Perhaps I've been abducted by a giant alien who has brought me to his home planet to serve as a play toy for his young daughter!  No, that's unlikely since in space they only have A batteries and I run on re-chargable D's. 

Where is Everybody?!!!  

Despair!  Terror!  Indigestion! 

I feel alone, solitary, totally isolated from the whole of humanity! I've never had this feeling before other than when I'm having sex with my usual partner. 

"Where is Everybody?!!!! 

Anybody ... anybody ...   I'll settle for Nicholas Cage!!!  Oh, to hear a song by ABBA or stand-up by Tracy Morgan!!!"

Suddenly emerging from the shadows is a figure of a man.  A big fat man.  A big fat sweaty bald man in plaid shorts with a T-shirt that says "Kiss Me, I'm  the Cook!"

"Thank God!  Hello, hello, my friend, oh thank God!!!"  

"Yeah, dude?" 

"You and I are the last people on Earth!!!" 

"Idiot! It's the Fourth of July and everybody's at the shore, pool, or backyard barbecues."

"Oh, yeah,  I forgot.  Well, then why are you here?"

"Ran outta ice." 

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If you liked this post, you might also like The Trouble with Mr. Serling, The Eye of the Be-Voter, and And What Are You Doing for the Holiday, Perry?

If you hated this post, I hope you wind up in The Twilight Zone episode To Serve Man smothered in onions on a nine foot tall bald alien's table in the same plate as Paula Deen!

I'd rather eat her than listen to her!