Friday, October 18, 2013

The Return of the Legendary Jewish Vampire, Vlad the Retailer

Some Vampire Weekend! 
 Why am I the one doing the sucking here?

Things had become very disheartening for the Legendary Jewish Vampire, Vlad the Retailer, and normally when you use the words "dis-hearten" and "vampire" in the same sentence, you can expect bad and bloody things to follow.  But that was not to be the case on this particular eve, the eve of All Saint's Day known as Halloween.

Vlad looked in the mirror and realized he wasn't getting any younger.  Of course, he wasn't getting any older either. 

"I don't even know what I look like," he thought. "Do I look like the young Mel Gibson in The Road Warrior or the old Mel Gibson in The Beaver?  But Mel Gibson is an anti-Semite.  If I look like the old one, no wonder I don't get more Jewish girls!" 

Above all, Vlad longed for a normal existence."Living eternally is not all it's cracked up to be," thought Vlad, "especially when we get to the point where the sun crashes into the earth 50 billion years from now. That's going to take some getting used to."

Then there was the need to keep up with social references.  Jokes about Marie de Medici don't go over all that well with the Miley Cyrus twerking crowd, and Vlad was still regularly yucking it up about the Coolidge Administration. Mostly, however, Vlad wished that he could have a human girl friend, someone whose boobs were as enticing to him as her neck. 

"What's all the shouting about those things anyway?" thought Vlad. True, they could be big and round and shapely and push out firmly against a woman's tight sweater and sometimes you could see the imprint of the ....

"Alright, alright, I answered my own question!" Vlad said.  

There was only one thing for Vlad to do:  go see Rabbi Lichtman at Temple Beth Hemoglobin. Rabbi Lichtman was a very wise and learned 1200 year old vampiric scholar who had originally seen to it that the candle lighting at Hanukkah took place after sundown rather than as originally planned during morning rush hour. If anyone would have the answer other than Alex Trebek, it would be Rabbi Lichtman.

"Rabbi," said the Legendary Jewish Vampire, Vlad the Retailer,"I am deeply perplexed. Not to mention plexed and multiplexed as well."

"That's the trifecta!" replied Rabbi Lichtman. "You know,  my son,  of four vampires does the Torah speak ..."

"Oh, Rabbi, I've heard this before at Passover."

"No, this is better.  There was a wise vampire, a simple vampire, a vampire who was too young to inquire, and a wicked vampire, who ripped out the lungs of the other three, and ...."

"No no, that's not what I want to hear, Rabbi!  I want to be human!" 

"Human? That's a tough one, Vlad.  By age 450, one's personality is pretty much set."

"But why did Hashem make us vampires?  Couldn't he have made us dentists, with a thriving suburban practice?  Or better yet, lawyers?"

"Then everyone would really hate us!"

"Rabbi, there must be something that can be done. I'm sick and tired of going to the beach wearing Coppertone Protection Factor Number INFINITY!"  

"Well, it's little known,Vlad, but there is one place you can go that can make you human."

"I'll do anything to be human, Rabbi, including sitting through one of your sermons."  

"Thanks, Mr. Smartyfangs!  If you're truly serious, the place to go is:  Bosley Restoration Services."

"The hair restoration infomercial people on TV?"

"Yes, they have a special human being restoration service too.  But there is a problem; they do not always succeed."

"I should have known!"

"Oh, they can always change a vampire to a human, they just can't always give you hair."

Eager and hopeful if still a bit multiplexed  .... multiplexed? .... the Legendary Jewish Vampire, Vlad the Retailer bade Rabbi Lichtman goodbye, spread his black cape, and leaped into the air. A small dark bat flew through the night headed for the Promised Land, Bosley Restoration Services, a land flowing with milk and honey shampoo, where Vlad hoped he would finally become human.

Or at least wind up with hair like Robert Pattinson.



Marian Allen said...

Holy hoppin' Hannah, you crack me up! LOL

Perry Block said...

I don't know who Holy Hoppin' Hannah is, but it's a safe bet she'll be getting a nice nocturnal visit soon from the Legendary Jewish Vampire, Vlad the Retailer!

Barbara Silkstone said...

Vlad the Retailer! So funny!

Perry Block said...

Thank you, Barbara! Vlad is so pleased he plans to visit you one night before Halloween. My advice: have one hell of a lot of V-8 Juice on hand ....

Russell said...

Well done, Perry. I hope the Bosley thing doesn't interfere with Vlad's thriving business selling toupees to aging Jewish men.

Perry Block said...

I hope not as well. Also hope it doesn't interfere with Vlad's thriving business sucking aging Jewish men (in the non-sexual way, of course!)