Top Ten Hillary Clinton E-mail Excuses

For these suggested excuses, Hillary: 

 No Charge!

It's no surprise to many that Hillary Clinton has a bit of a reputation for mendacity. It's also no surprise that I am trying to obscure this fact by using a word like "mendacity" that I hope you don't understand.

Clinton's occasional lack of candor is concerning but is rendered somewhat less so since she is running for President against a walking turd who hasn't told the truth since he filled out the application for Hair Club for Men.  Still, one wishes Hilarity would play it a bit more down the straight and narrow;  sadly she was just awarded Four Pinocchios by the Washington Post for recent statements to Chris Wallace regarding her e-mail controversy.  

Hillary, you can do better!  Here are some suggested excuses you may use right away to slam E-mail Gate shut once and for all:

Top Ten Hillary Clinton E-mail Excuses

10) Dog ate her e-mails.

9) Distracted by constant amorous advances from Bill. 

8) According to top writing experts, all adjectives are best removed from the sentence "Extremely careless in the handing of very sensitive, highly classified information."  Revised sentence "careless in the handling of information" plays a bit better.

7) "Must have left those e-mails in my other pants suit!"

6) "I relied on and had every reason to rely on the judgments of the 300 professionals with whom I exchanged e-mails, each of whom I could incinerate instantly with my heat vision."  

5) I had a "short-circuit" so strong when I was talking about the e-mails it curled Debbie Wasserman Schultz' hair!" 

4) "Server problems?  Absolutely. His name was Bruce and the quail he served me was decidedly under cooked!"

3) Too many evenings spent strummin' the ol' banjo and regaling staff with patter and song.

2) "All that happened during my drinking days."

1) "Frankly, Bill and I can do whatever the fuck we want!"

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The Top Ten Signs You Need To Cool It On Twitter

Once it seemed like you were made for each other, you and Twitter.

Yes, Twitter brought you your own little window on the world in 140 characters or less. Suddenly obscure little you became a major league player in the worlds of politics, world affairs, entertainment, and looking at mangy cats. You mixed and mingled with interesting and exotic people from around the world who, were they to have met you in person, would never have deigned to mix and mingle with obscure little you at all.  

But gradually there have come to be issues. Every time you receive an RT you do a victory lap around the room and high five your stuffed bear. You send birthday presents to everyone you are following on Twitter including @KimJongUnDude. Lately as you spend even more and more time on Twitter, you need to be regularly re-introduced to those two diminutive people who live in your house named Kristin and Timmy.

It is close to the breaking point.  Here are:

The Top Ten Signs You Need To Cool It On Twitter 

10) That huge emoji overhead when you go outside?  That's the sun, asshole!

9) You follow everyone that Twitter recommends you follow even if their profiles include the words "Proud Craigslist Stalker," "Conspiracy Theorist Who Believes You Killed John F. Kennedy,"or "Republican."

8) You named your first born son "Woot!"

7) You are convinced that Kim Kardashian is tweeting just for you!

6) You frequently use the hashtag #HELPMEOMGPLEASEHELPME!

5) Can't get enough dick jokes even if they're just about a guy named Dick.

4) You follow that idiot @PerryBlock.

3) You are fuming that you flunked the tryouts for Team Follow Back.

2)You type LOL after every one of your tweets, even if they're about economic infrastructure and agrarian land reform.

And the Number One Sign You Need To Cool It On Twitter,

1) You're so busy with Twitter that when someone mentions pornography you say "Porn?  Is that on the web too?"

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Top Ten Reasons We'll Miss David Letterman

10) When will we ever get the chance to see Tom Hanks again?

9) If I want to have any fun anymore, I'm going to have to throw a bowling ball off the top of the Ed Sullivan Theater.

8) Aging Baby Boomers no longer able to reassure themselves with "Gee at least I'm holding up lots better than Dave."

7) Even as lame as they've been in recent years, Letterman Top Ten Lists way funnier than crap like this.

6) Hate to think of impeccably tailored Letterman sitting around the house in his pajamas playing Candy Crush.

5) Unless Lauren Hutton makes surprise comeback, that's it for gap-toothed celebrities.

4) Nagging fear that as soon as show is over, Paul Shaffer will write vicious tell-all book. 

3) Dave's Mom won't be coming to our house with pie anymore.

2) Without daily dose of Dave, Ryan Seacrest will seem hip.

And the No. 1 Reason we'll miss David Letterman, 

1) Jimmy Fallon.


And thank you, Dave, for 31 years of hip quirky late night entertainment with its own unique perspective and attitude.

We'll miss you. 

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The Top Ten Reasons It Was Time For David Letterman To Go

The announcement that David Letterman is to resign in 2015 took by surprise only the most out-of-touch brain dead individuals, that is, Republican members of the House of Representatives. 

Once the hippest thing on television since the advent of Saturday Night Live, Dave's brand of "so silly it's funny" humor has become about as fresh and vibrant as sex with your wife following an anniversary dinner at Olive Garden. Therefore we herewith present the top ten reasons it's time for Dave to ride off into the sunset, as follows: 

 The Top Ten Reasons It Was Time
 For David Letterman To Go

10) Wanted to spend more time with his son while he could still throw a ball and, more importantly, remember what one is. 

9) Top Ten lists have become so unfunny lately numbers 3 and 7 have been known to storm off the set.

8) Rupert G. constantly jacking up prices for corned beef whenever he sees Dave coming.

7) Late Night writers jumping at the chance to leave the show for Duck Dynasty.

6) Paul Shaffer and the CBS Orchestra making way too much money playing central Jersey Bar Mitzvahs to stick with this dead end gig.

5) Dave's gap tooth appears to be closing, wreaking havoc on his entire charisma. 

4) Remember when Connie Chung and Dave had a special relationship and she used to be on the show all the time?  Who the hell is Connie Chung?  Exactly my point!

3) Abe Vigoda constantly asking everyone he sees "I don't look anywhere near as lousy as Dave, do I?"

2) Dave been mailing it in lately? CBS asks studio audience if they want material sent registered or certified before Dave even comes on stage.

And the Number One Reason 1 It Was Time For David Letterman To Go

1) Because Baby Boomers aren't already depressed enough about our icons biting the dust.

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Despite this good-natured jab,  David Letterman is an American original and true comedy legend.  I hope he'll be around in other contexts for years to come. We will miss him.