Monday, September 12, 2016

Happy Birthday, Dear Avatar

It's a special Birthday today, September 12, 2016.   Let's all sing!
Yep, it is indeed my birthday, but frankly I haven't celebrated birthdays since Haley Joel Osment was cute.  The birthday I'm talking about today is the birthday not of a person, but of a profile. That is, the profile picture I use on my blog, Facebook page, and Twitter site.

I believe that the appropriate term, at least for Twitter, is Avatar.

I was 54 years old when the picture to the right was taken and with my birthday today I am 66. My avatar is thus 12 years old. If it were a person, it would be masturbating by now.

So why do I use a picture which is old enough to have bullied me when I was in seventh grade?

Although male pattern deterioration had already set in for me at age 54, I was still somewhat marketable. Nobody threw up when they saw me coming, attractive women meeting me for the first time could conceivably have thought “if a horrible catastrophe wiped out all of the men on earth, I could probably get drunk enough,” and none of my facial features had as yet been placed on life support.

So I was able to muster a decent enough picture which I later pressed into internet service as my avatar seen here.

If you're wondering why I don't update my profile picture to something more modern, well, take a look at the person depicted to the right and then envision him having survived a nuclear meltdown and thereafter been dropped from the top of the Comcast Tower in Philadelphia.

That would approximate my current appearance on a good hair day in springtime when I've just won the lottery.

C’mon, don’t play so innocent, fellow Boomer!   I'll bet you’re doing the same thing; you can’t tell me you’re not rocking an online picture that's been around so long it might have been cropped from a selfie with Kaiser Wilhelm or one in which you’re wearing enough makeup to have sent it off to accompany your application to clown school.

It's tough to go with an honest avatar when you were born in an era when the most exciting sexual experience we all had was fantasizing about Barbara Eden's navel.

But the 12th birthday of  my avatar also brings to mind one more very important occasion.

Next year, my profile picture will celebrate its Bar Mitzvah!  Let's all sing! 

And you will all be invited. All three of you!

And who knows?  In another 13 years or so we may all be together again celebrating my avatar’s wedding. If I’m still here, better believe he’ll still be here too.

Happy Birthday, Faux Perry!



Russell said...

And all this time I thought that photo was a colorized tin-type that Matthew Brady had taken.

The two photos that I use, the clown nose and the sly, smiling, handsome devil are both 5 to 6 years old, taken when I was 54 as well (something magical about that age).

Now that you're more mature, I'm sure you fantasize about Barbara Walter's navel instead of Ms. Eden's. Be sure and put on a drool bib first. We'd hate to see you stain your favorite ABBA t-shirt.

Perry Block said...

What's that you say? I didn't quite catch it; I was busy going down on Judi Dench. What a wonderful birthday; she gave me a new drool bib. Now there's a gift I can use, pretty much all the time at my age.