Historical Personages: President Jeffrey Lurie,
Major General Nick Sirianni
General Jalen Hurts
General Saquon Barcley
Retired General Jason Kelce
Jimmy Fallon, talk show host
Corporal Highsmith (a fictitious character)
PRESIDENT JEFFREY LURIE
In the waning months of 2024 a great
controversy arose in America. Our forces from Pennsylvania - the Eagles, of
which I am honored to be President - believed in liberation. The forces from
Missouri - the Chiefs - sought the opposite.
GENERAL NICK SIRIANNI
It was known as The War for the Tush Push.
GENERAL JALEN HURTS
We
the Eagles sought to free the Tush Push for all time. The Chiefs sought to
enslave it.
Major GENERAL NICK SIRIANNI
I am
Major General Nick Sirianni. I was privileged in the War for the Tush Push to
serve under President Jeffrey Lurie alongside two great generals, General Jalen
Hurts and General Saquon Barkley.
GENERAL JALEN
HURTS
It
was a war that separated state from state, city from city, even brother from
brother.
RETIRED GENERAL JASON KELCE
Yep,
separated me from my brother, Travis. The separation made somewhat less harsh
by the 100 million dollars we were paid for our podcast.
Major GeNERAL NICK SIRIANNI
In
early 2025 the forces massed on each side. The men in our camp realized what
horrors the next morning might bring...
CoRPORAL HIGHSMITH
Oh,
Sarah, dearest! I wish you could be with me tonight. But alas, you cannot be
... because I forgot to pay for your plane ticket.
Major GENERAL NICK SIRIANNI
On a
crisp afternoon in February the conflict came to a head.
GENERAL JALEN HURTS
Forward,
men! The War for the Tush Push is joined!
General saquon barkley
Remember,
should we win, it's on to The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon!
PRESIDENT
JEFFREY LURIE
As the afternoon wore on, the battle swung back and forth. My generals were brilliant in the fray, my Aide-de-Camp Bradley Cooper cheering them on, constantly at my side.
GENERAL
JALEN HURTS
All
around me bodies were hurtling into space, smashing against one another, men
falling to the ground, crying out: Hike! Hike! Hike! Then I saw one of the most
frightening things I've ever seen ...
Major GENERAL NICK SIRIANNI
It
was Barkley! He'd flunked hard to the ground. It looked like ... he wasn't
going to get up!
PRESIDENT
JEFFREY LURIE
Get
up, Saquon, for the love of God, please get up ...
GENERAL SAQUON
BARKLEY
I
too thought I was down for the count. But I couldn't let the Tush Push down. We
needed one more charge, so I rallied!
GENERAL JALEN HURTS
One
more charge to victory. All our men together, pushing tushing hard, once more, into the
breach!
Major geNERAL NICK SIRIANNI
We broke through their lines! The Tush
Push had been liberated.
PRESIDENT
JEFFREY LURIE
Victory at last! For the Eagles and
the Tush Push! Bradley Cooper and I hugged each other for joy!
RETIRED GENERAL
JASON KELCE
And I hated to say it but take that, Travis! Of course later he became engaged to Taylor Swift, not too shabby, but my wife Kylie's podcast ain't too shabby either!
CORPORAL
HIGHSMITH
Oh,
Sarah, we have been victorious! I am well and will see you soon! In a few days
after I sober up from being shit-faced from the celebration.
Major GENERAL NICK SIRIANNI
And then it happened ...
JIMMY FALLON
And
with us tonight are the two heroes who turned the tide of battle in The War for
the Tush Push, Welcome to the Tonight Show: Jalen Hurts and Saquon Barkley!
Thank you, Jimmy.
GENERAL JALEN HURTS
Thank you, Jimmy.
GENERAL SAQUoN BARkleY
Great to be here.
JIMMY FALLON
You
know I’ve been wondering something about you guys since your stirring victory.
GENERAL JALEN HURTS
Yes?
JIMMY FALLON
You two ever think about playing football?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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