Wednesday, July 3, 2013

Where Is Everybody?

Is anybody here?  I'll settle for a Republican!

There is something peculiar about this day. I've felt it since the moment I first awakened.  Something more peculiar than just my pajama drawstring having gotten caught and knotted around my you-know-what which had me talking like the late Truman Capote until I got to the john. 

I think to take a look outside. 

Odd.  There is  no one anywhere.  No men. No women.  No children.  (I think that about covers it.)

Where is Everybody?  Was it something I said?  Did I forget to shower?  Maybe I better start using mouthwash?  

I leave my home and walk for blocks.  Stores shuttered  .... restaurants closed ... no one to be seen. Everywhere I look is like a convention of viewers of the Oprah Winfrey Network! 

"Where is Everybody?!"  I call out now in rising fear.  "Hey, I've got Regis Philbin here,  come out and meet him and get a selfie!"

It was worth a try, but Regis doesn't draw anywhere near like he used to.  How soon they forget, even Regis!

Now I run frantically from building to building like a giant pinball but without the dings, lights, or any half-way decent total of points!

Where is Everybody?! Has the Zombie Apocalypse taken place while I slept?Where are the mindless creatures bent on eating our brains and making us soulless and inhumane just like they are? And aside from Republicans, where are the Zombies? 

Or maybe I've awakened in a world where everyone is invisible. If everyone is invisible, that would make going to a movie hardly worth 12 bucks unless it stars Morgan Freeman's voice. 

Where is Everybody?!! Oh dear God, a lot of people owe me money!!

Am I going mad?! Perhaps I've been abducted by a giant alien who has brought me to his home planet to serve as a play toy for his young daughter!  No, that's unlikely since in space they only have A batteries; I run on re-chargable D's. 

Where is Everybody?!!!   Despair!  Terror! Indigestion! 

I feel alone, solitary, totally isolated from the whole of humanity! I've never had this feeling before other than when I'm having sex with my usual partner.  Now I run in sheer panic through the empty streets shouting: 

"Where is Everybody?!!!! Anybody ... anybody ...   I'll settle for Nicholas Cage!!!  Oh, to hear a song by ABBA or stand-up by Tracy Morgan!!!"

Suddenly emerging from the shadows is a figure of a man.  A big fat man.  A big fat sweaty bald man in plaid shorts with a T-shirt that says "Kiss Me, I'm  the Cook!"

"Thank God!  Hello, hello, my friend, oh thank God!!!"  

"Yeah, dude?"

"You and I are the last people on Earth!!!" 

"Idiot! It's the Fourth of July and everybody's at the shore, pool, or backyard barbecues."

"Oh, yeah,  I forgot.  Well, then why are you here?"

"Ran outta ice." 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If you liked this post, you might also like The Trouble with Mr. Serling, The Eye of the Be-Voter, and And What Are You Doing for the Holiday, Perry?

If you hated this post, I hope you wind up in The Twilight Zone episode To Serve Man smothered in onions on a nine foot tall bald alien's table in the same plate as Paula Deen!

I'd rather eat her than listen to her!

2 comments:

MikeWJ at Too Many Mornings said...

Yeah, I've had mornings like that. Horrible. :D

Perry Block said...

For me, every morning is worse than that. Thanks for writing!