Wednesday, July 3, 2013

Where Is Everybody?

Is anybody here?  I'll settle for a Republican!

There is something peculiar about this day. I've felt it since the moment I first awakened.  Something more peculiar than just my pajama drawstring having gotten caught and knotted around my you-know-what

I think to take a look outside. 

Odd.   There is  no one anywhere.  No men. No women.  No children. (Yep, I think that about covers it!)

Where is Everybody?  Was it something I said?  Did I forget to shower? I knew I shouldn't have bought that discount mouthwash!

I leave my home and walk for blocks.  Stores shuttered  .... restaurants closed ... no one to be seen. Everywhere I look is like a convention of viewers of the Oprah Winfrey Network! 

"Where is Everybody?!"  I call out now in rising fear.  "Hey, I've got Regis Philbin here,  come out and meet him!'

It was worth a try, but Regis doesn't draw anywhere near like he used to. 

Now I run frantically from building to building like a giant pinball but without the dings, lights, or any half-way decent total of points!

Where is Everybody?! Has the Zombie Apocalypse taken place while I slept?  If so, where are the mindless creatures bent on eating our brains and making us just like them?  And aside from Republicans, where are the Zombies? Or maybe I've awakened in a world where everyone is invisible. That would make going to a movie hardly worth 12 bucks unless it stars Morgan Freeman's voice. 

Where is Everybody?!! Oh dear God, a lot of people owe me money!!

Am I going mad?! Perhaps I've been abducted by a giant alien who has brought me to his home planet to serve as a play toy for his young daughter!  No, that's unlikely since in space they only have A batteries; I run on re-chargable D's. 

Where is Everybody?!!!   Despair!  Terror!  Indigestion! 

I feel alone, solitary, totally isolated from the whole of humanity! I've never had this feeling before other than while having sex.  Now I run in sheer panic through the empty streets shouting: 

"Where is Everybody?!!!! Anybody ... anybody ...   I'll settle for Nicholas Cage!!!  Oh, to hear a song by ABBA or stand-up by Tracy Morgan!!!"

Suddenly emerging from the shadows is a figure of a man.  A big fat man.  A big fat sweaty bald man in plaid shorts with a T-shirt that says "Kiss Me, I'm  the Cook!"

"Thank God!  Hello, hello, my friend, oh thank God!!!"  

"Yeah, dude?"

"You and I are the last people on Earth!!!" 

"Idiot! It's the Fourth of July and everybody's at the shore, pool, or backyard barbecues."

"Oh, yeah,  I forgot.  Well, then why are you here?"

"Ran outta ice." 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If you liked this post, you might also like The Trouble with Mr. Serling, The Eye of the Be-Voter, and And What Are You Doing for the Holiday, Perry?

If you hated this post, I hope you wind up in The Twilight Zone episode To Serve Man smothered in onions on a nine foot tall bald alien's table in the same plate as Paula Deen!

I'd rather eat her than listen to her!

2 comments:

MikeWJ at Too Many Mornings said...

Yeah, I've had mornings like that. Horrible. :D

Perry Block said...

For me, every morning is worse than that. Thanks for writing!